A woman approaches the counter carrying a jacket.

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “That’s fine as long as you have the receipt and it was purchased within the last fifteen days.”

Customer: “I don’t have the receipt.”

Me: “Okay. When did you buy it?”

Customer: “A little over two months ago.”

Me: “Unfortunately, without the receipt and outside our fifteen-day return period, I can’t accept it.”

Customer: “But it doesn’t fit me anymore.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that doesn’t change the return policy.”

Customer: “So you’re refusing to take it back just because I gained weight?”

Me: “I’m refusing the return because it was purchased more than two months ago, you don’t have the receipt, and our return period is fifteen days.”

She becomes angry and demands a manager, so I call mine over and explain everything.

Manager: “Just honor the return.”

Me: “I can’t. Without a receipt, I need to find the original transaction, and the system only lets me search back thirty days.”

Manager: “Use my PIN. It’ll let you search back more than three months.”

Me: “You’re authorizing me to override the policy and refund it?”

Manager: “Yes. Just take care of it.”

I use his PIN, locate the purchase, and issue the refund. Two days later, the owner of the company calls me.

Owner: “Why did you refund a jacket that was purchased two months ago?”

Me: “[Manager] instructed me to. I told him it was outside the return period and that I couldn’t access the transaction. He gave me his PIN so I could override the system.”

Owner: “You should have known that the return violated company policy.”

Me: “I did know. That’s why I refused it until [Manager] ordered me to process it.”

I received a formal write-up. The manager who ordered the refund, authorized the override, and supplied the PIN receives no punishment at all, but there were consequences:

I told all my coworkers what happened, and now every time a refund was requested (which was often), we all called the manager over to do it, even if it was out of the refund period.

Manager: “Just do it. Use my PIN.”

Me/Coworker: “And risk getting written up? Not happening. Please come down and deal with the customer directly.”

Funnily enough, the out-of-scope refunds dropped dramatically after that…

An older woman approaches the returns counter carrying an enormous garbage bag stuffed with artificial flowers. She also has a thick folder full of receipts.

Customer: “Before you say anything, this is my garbage bag. Your bags are terrible quality.”

Me: “Okay. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I’m returning all of these.”

She drops the bag onto the counter and hands me the folder. The receipts are in no particular order and date back as far as six months.

Me: “Do you know which flowers are listed on which receipts?”

Customer: “No. That’s why I brought you the receipts.”

Me: “All right, but this is going to take some time. I’ll need to go through the receipts and match each item to the flowers in the bag.”

Customer: “Why? Just scan the receipts and be done with it.”

Me: “Scanning a receipt will show me what you bought during that transaction. It won’t tell me which of these loose flowers came from that purchase.”

Customer: “That’s a stupid process. How long is this going to take?”

Me: “There are several months’ worth of receipts here and a lot of flowers, so I can’t give you an exact time.”

Customer: “Well, I have clients with me. Can I leave all this here and come back another day?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We can’t keep an unprocessed return and a folder containing your receipts behind the counter.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I spend millions at this store. I should receive preferential treatment!”

Me: “Well, considering we make about a million in sales each year, thank you for being our sole and only customer and keeping the lights on. That being said, I am both the returns department and the complaints department, but I cannot be both at the same time. Will you allow me to continue processing the eighty-or-so receipts you’ve got here, or are you going to continue to complain?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “I take that as the complaint being over, so I shall continue with the returns.”

She started murmuring a few more times, and each time she did, I stopped processing the returns and mimicked taking off my “returns department” hat and putting on my “complaints department” hat. When she realized what I was doing (standing there, smiling, processing her words but not her refund), she gave up, and I made a show of changing my hats again.

After enduring this show and dance three more times, she finally shut up, and I was able to process all of her returns. She stormed out without a thank you.

I work at a pizza place. On Super Bowl Sunday, a woman calls and orders around eight dozen buffalo wings for a party. She pays for the entire order in advance.

Fifteen minutes later, when the wings are approximately three seconds away from being finished, she calls back.

Customer: “Did you remember to make them vegetarian?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The chicken wings. Did you make them vegetarian?”

Me: “Vegetarian chicken wings aren’t a thing.”

Customer: “Sure they are! I want vegetarian wings!”

Me: “Short of some leap forward in Frankensteinian chicken technology, they’re a logical impossibility.”

Customer: “Then I want my money back! You misled me!”

She did get her money back, but that means the crew had plenty of wings to munch on while we took and made orders and listened to the game.

A customer places a carton of pre-mixed sangria.

Customer: “I want to return this; it didn’t taste so good.”

Me: “I’m afraid we can’t accept returns on alcohol. It’s state law.”

Customer: “Alcohol?!”

Me: “Yes. This is sangria.”

Customer: “That’s considered alcohol?”

Me: “Yes, it has alcohol in it.”

Customer: “Oh… I thought it was like a fancy juice! It’s in a carton and everything!”

Me: “Some wine does come in cartons, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well… that explains why the kids fell asleep early at movie night…”

A woman called the store:

Caller: “My husband purchased a clear tote from you guys with the lid that latches on. Well, he got home, and we realized that the clasp that makes it latch is broken. Can we exchange it?”

Keep in mind that the latches are attached to the sides of the tote.

Me: “Sure, bring the tote back, and we can get you one that’s not broken.”

There was a pause, and she said:

Caller: “He has to bring the whole tote back?”

Me: “…yes. You can exchange it for one that’s not broken.”

Caller: “Well, I thought you guys may have another latch he could just pick up?”

Me: “That would involve us breaking another tote so you can have the latch.”

Caller: “Yeah, can you do that?”

Me: “Then we’d have two broken totes.”

Caller: *Tuts.* “Fine, we’ll bring the whole tote in, but that’s really inconvenient, you know!”

The couple came back to the store and made a big scene out of having to carry in the broken tote, which, y’all, wasn’t even big enough to hold my book. I get that coming back because of a broken item is a pain, but why make it out to be the biggest inconvenience in the history of man?