Don’t Ever Let Them Put You In A Box

, , , | Working | August 16, 2017

(I made a Boxtroll costume for Halloween the year the movie came out. I cobbled two boxes together into a large box with a hole on top for my head to come through, tall enough to rest on my shoulders, and altered a skeleton mask to look like the characters that sits on top of my head. I also print out a Candy Brand label and stick it to the box, deciding that was my Boxtroll name. I have the day off, but I decide to drop in at the store to show it off. I sneak into the office, hear two of my managers talking in one room, and set my box in front of the room, blocking the narrow hallway. I duck inside the box, waiting for them to notice me before I show them my mask. They come out of the room, still talking… and inch their way around the edges of my box, going into another room, without a break in their conversation. I wait, a little dumbfounded, and a minute later one of them comes out of the room, carefully moving around the gigantic box in her way, again without a word. I pop my head up through the top, and she’s across the office with her back to me. I shuffle over to her.)

Me: “…Hello?”

Manager #1: *jumps and spins around* “[My Name]! Where did you come from?”

Me: “I was the giant box in the middle of the hallway…”

Manager #1: “Wait, what?”

Me: “How did you not think that was strange?!”

Manager #1: “Well, there are boxes in here all the time…”

Me: *nearly crying with laughter* “It says ‘[Candy Brand]’ on the box! We don’t even sell [Candy Brand]!”

Manager #2: *comes out of the room* “[My Name]! Where did you come from?”

(Clearly I am a very successful Boxtroll. I also have never, ever let those two forget that time they thought I was a box.)

Their Security Procedure Needs A Shot In The Arm

, , , , , | Working | August 16, 2017

(I’m waiting for my pneumonia shot. A woman comes in with a hypodermic.)

Woman: “I can never get these computers to work!” *types, mutters* “So hard to log in — there! Now… okay, there we are. Now let’s get your shot!”

Me: “Um, you’re not wearing any sort of ID.”

Woman: “Oh, I guess I’m not. Another nurse needed to borrow it.” *moves towards me to give shot*

Me: “I don’t think so. You’re a total stranger with no identification; we’re not doing this!” *and I’m thinking, she’s foolish enough to admit she gave someone else her ID?!*

Woman: “You’re exactly right. I’ll go get it.”

(She leaves, comes back, and waves an ID at me. I grab the ID and carefully check that the photo matches the face, which it does.)

Woman: “Let’s get this over with, because I have to get my ID back to the other nurse. She still needs it.”

Me: “No, thank you.”

(I filed a formal complaint against her at the front desk. I’ll get my shot some other time!)

Thanking You Hard

, , , , | Working | August 16, 2017

(I am very nervous about going to the dentist, and I go to a new practice to get a cavity filled. The dentist is very friendly and supportive through the whole procedure.)

Dentist: “You’re doing great!”

(I make a noise that sounds like ‘thank you’ because, of course, she’s working on filling the cavity and I can’t talk.)

Dentist: “You’re welcome! I understand what people mean when they make that noise… or maybe they’re actually saying ‘F*** you’ and I’ll never know!”

(It’s hard to laugh with a dentist drill in your mouth but I did!)

To BLT, Or Not To BLT

, , , | Working | August 16, 2017

(My father goes into a regional chain takeout restaurant that just opened in our area. Overall the food is wonderful there, but several staff members seem to think cheese goes on everything, regardless of how some things are traditionally made.)

Worker: “What can I get for you, sir?”

Father: “I’d like a BLT, please.”

(The overhead menu clearly states they offer a classic BLT, with no added flourishes.)

Worker: “Certainly, with what kind of cheese?”

Father: “Okay, let’s look at the letters, shall we? The B is for bacon, the L is for lettuce and the T is for tomato. There’s no C for cheese, is there?”

Worker: “So, no cheese?”

Father: “No, thank you.”

(The place lasted less than a year, most likely due to being in a difficult location to drive into, though we did hear of other orders getting mixed up quite often, cheese related or not.)

How Not To Be Stern

, , , | Working | August 16, 2017

(The morning show host at my radio station has seen that Howard Stern movie one too many times, and as such, believes the key to being a great radio announcer is being hated. He goes out of his way to be as unlikable as possible, antagonizing anyone he can: listeners, coworkers, the boss. One day, I come into work to see that he’s cleaned out his office.)

Me: “Hey, [Morning Guy], why is your office cleaned out?”

Morning Guy: “I just got a job at [Other Radio Station]. When the boss comes in today, I’m going to give my one month’s notice. I have no doubt that they’re going to turn around and fire me as soon as I give it in.”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

Morning Guy: “Because they did it to [Former Coworker].”

Me: “Dude, that was different. [Former Coworker] was a jerk, and he turned into a total a**-hole after he turned in his notice. But you… the boss loves you, for some reason.”

Morning Guy: “Nope. I’m a much bigger a**-hole than [Former Coworker] ever was. Just you wait and see. As soon as I give my notice, they’ll have security escorting me to the door.”

(Later that day, the boss comes in, and the morning guy goes in to deliver the news. The boss closes the door, they have a long meeting, and the morning guy eventually comes out, just stunned.)

Me: “So, are you fired?”

Morning Guy: “No…”

Me: “Then what happened?”

Morning Guy: “They offered me a raise to stay.”

(He went back to his empty office, just flabbergasted, muttering about Howard Stern and how the boss is supposed to hate him. Never have I seen a man work so hard to be unlikable, and fail!)

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