Say Bye Bi To This Coworker

, , , , , , | | Working | May 25, 2018

(I am a male. I work in a smallish admin team for a large engineering company. I am also bi, and while I don’t make an issue of it, I don’t hide it when referring to the gender of the person I am seeing. None of my colleagues have ever had an issue with this. until one day when I happen to mention that I am going on a date with a female friend of mine.)

Coworker: “I thought you were gay?”

Me: “No, bi.”

Coworker: “But you used to date [Male Ex]; you brought him to the Christmas party.”

Me: “Yeah, I did, but I am bi, not gay. [Male Ex] and I broke up a few months back, and I thought it was time to get back to dating again.”

Coworker: *confused stare* “So, you are still gay, but you are dating a girl, as well; is she one of those [slur]s?”

Me: *really?!* “No, she isn’t transgender; she is a woman.” *not going to attempt to explain trans/cisgender at this point* “I am bi; I date men and women. I find them both attractive.”

Coworker: *seems to be mulling this over* “Are your parents pressuring you? I think it’s wrong that some people are homophobic. Is that why you are ‘dating’ this girl?”

Me: “No… I am dating her because I find her attractive and I’ve known her for years.”

Coworker: “And she doesn’t mind that you are gay?”

Me: “Some people are gay, some people are straight, and other people are bi. I am bi. I like men and women. Oh, look! My lunch time is over.” *dashes from staff room*

(Apparently the idea is too much to understand, as she continues to refer to me as gay.)

Coworker: “Do you watch that Ru Paul’s Drag Race?”

Me: “No, I don’t really like drag.”

Coworker: ” I thought all gays liked drag?”


Coworker: “Gays have such good style. [My Name], will you take me shopping?”


Coworker: “Are you on that Grinderer thing? Someone said all the gays use it.”

Me: “Again, I am not gay, and I don’t think my girlfriend would like me using it.”

(At my last work’s night out, I had to explain to my girlfriend why one of my coworkers might try and check her for a penis.)

A Signature Check Problem

, , , | | Working | May 25, 2018

(A family member with whom I have a joint bank account had a stroke a couple years back, affecting her handwriting. She received a check in the mail for $1.40, and instead of wasting time and gas going to the bank to cash it, she “deposited” it via her bank’s mobile app. It worked, so we thought nothing of it. A couple days later, we receive a letter in the mail from the bank stating that the deposit did not go through because “the signature did not match the one on file.” She’s confined to a wheelchair now and can’t just pop over to the bank to fix it, and I’m sure this bank knows this. The stroke also affected her speech, so I call the bank. At this point, we’re laughing because they’ve already spent 47 cents on a stamp and time and effort to tell us they couldn’t deposit a $1.40 check.)

Me: “Hello? I’m [My Name], calling on behalf of [Family Member] about a check we deposited that didn’t go through.”

Bank Person #1: “Okay. Let me get you through to the checking department.”

Me: *to checking department* “Hello? I’m [My Name] calling on behalf of [Family Member] about a check we deposited that didn’t go through. We used the mobile app on her phone, and the notice says the signature didn’t match the file.”

Checking Department: “Oh, if you had a problem with the mobile app, I’ll have to transfer you to our IT guy.”

(I’m transferred.)

Me: “Hello. I’m [My Name], calling on behalf of [Family Member] regarding a check we deposited via mobile app. We got a notice in the mail that the signatures didn’t match, and—”

IT Guy: “Oh, was that the one for $1.40?! I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention, and the notice went through before I realized how little it was for.”

(He went on and on regarding how embarrassed he was, and how he tried to contact us, but couldn’t contact us. THEN, we got into a whole other conversation about how the phone number in their system was close to my cell phone number, but not exact. I told him the real number, but of course, he couldn’t just input it into the system. There was a form to fill out, and he could email it to me or fax it to me or. Finally, we decided that he could just mail it to me, and I’d mail it back. Then, we got back to the check. He said if we mobile-deposited it again, that day, he’d be sure to send it right through! I did redeposit it, but I’m still shaking my head at the amount of time, effort, and money it took to deposit a $1.40 check. Even if I did drive to the next town to deposit it, it would have cost me more in gasoline.)

Double Deceit

, , , , | | Working | May 25, 2018

(I have been working at [Skater Clothing Outlet] for a few months. As a newer sales kid, I have yet to lose my wide-eyed wonder of the job. I have therefore been always eager to help everybody; I sometimes get in a little trouble for my over-enthusiastic lack of a filter. I have never had a customer complain about me, nor have customers ever mentioned me directly to my manager, until one day. We are having a meeting like any other; it’s a week before black Friday, so we are prepping for our big sale. Everything is normal until the end of the employee meeting.)

Manager: *in a serious, you’re-in-trouble voice* “[My Name], I need to speak with you in private.”

(All eyes turn to me, I can hear murmurs from the crew gossiping amongst themselves as I follow my manager.)

Manager: “I had a woman come in today, and she had a few serious words with me about you.”

Me: *scared stiff* “O-oh… What about?”

Manager: “She said that–” *her face suddenly lightens up* ”–you were fantastic. She brought her daughter in, and whatever you did you made that girl smile for the first time in years.”

Me: *suddenly very relieved* “Oh, thank God. Why did you make it seem like I was in trouble?”

(She grins.)

Manager: “Because that’s what she did to me! She walked in all mean-looking and angry. She went all–” *she puffs up like an angry soccer mom* “–‘Are you the Manager?!’ I thought you murdered her dog or something before she lightened up.”

Don’t Have A Laughing Cow, Man

, , , , , , | | Working | May 25, 2018

(For one summer, I work at a grocery store. This store has a department where customers from small, isolated communities send us their food requests and we pick the food, bill it on a credit card, box it, and deliver it to an airline to be flown to that community. A coworker approaches me with a customer’s food list request.)

Coworker: “Hey, can you read French?”

Me: “A little bit, why?”

Coworker: “One item on this list is written in French, and the only word I understand is ‘fromage.’”

(The item in question reads, “Le fromage de la vache qui rit.”)

Me: “Hmm… the cheese… of the cow… who laughs? What?”

Coworker: “Oh! Laughing Cow Cheese!

Me: “There you go! Why on Earth was that in French?”

Coworker: “I have no idea.”

Sawing Through Excuses

, , , , , | | Working | May 25, 2018

(At our store, we’ve had a string of returns for “defective” lawn equipment, with many customers reporting that the product they purchased “stopped working.” The reality is, most of these returns are the result of a very common user error, and my manager is very fed up.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this chainsaw. It stopped working.”

Me: *taking one quick look* “Okay, sir, I’ll call my manager over to authorize the return.” *paging* “[Manager] to cash, please.”

(I see my manager walking over to my register. As soon as he sees what is sitting on my counter, I can see his blood vessels starting to swell up.)

Manager: “Okay, and what seems to be the problem here?”

Customer: “This chainsaw no longer works.”

Manager: “Well, let me guess: You forgot to mix the gasoline with oil, didn’t you?!”

(This is the very common user error I was talking about. However, I know for a fact that this isn’t the case for this particular return.)

Me: “[Manager], calm down. This is an electric chainsaw.”

Manager: *much more cheerful* “Oh, um, then I guess it’s legit. Okay, let’s process this return!”

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