About To Have A Coronary

, , , , , , | Working | December 13, 2017

(I walk into the break room one morning to fill my coffee cup. Coworker is preparing a fresh pot of coffee. She empties a bag of regular coffee grounds into the basket, then puts an orange decaf pot under it. The regular pot is sitting a foot further away. Coworker just grabbed the closest one.)

Me: “Hey, that’s regular coffee. You need to use a regular black pot.”

Coworker: *laughing* “Oh, it doesn’t matter! Do those wimpy decaf drinkers good to wake ’em up a little!”

Me: *swapping in the correct pot, then dumping and washing out the decaf pot* “How do you know that none of our coworkers has coronary issues and isn’t allowed to have caffeine? Or whether it could trigger a migraine for someone? Would you like to be responsible for someone ending up in the hospital or dead from drinking that?”

Coworker: *alternating between shocked and huffy* “What? Well, but… but… nobody told me!”

Me: “Nobody should have to, because other people’s health issues are no one else’s business. The orange isn’t a fashion statement; it’s a warning. Messing with people’s food and drink isn’t a joke.”

(I finished getting my (caffeinated) coffee and went back to my desk, while Coworker kept repeating “Nobody told me!” Note that I’m not in HR, nor do I have food allergies. I just really have a problem with people risking someone else’s health and well-being because they’re lazy or because they think it’s funny.)


, , , , , | Working | December 13, 2017

(I am driving home from the grocery shopping when I realize I forgot to buy salsa. I stop at a well-known 24-hour convenience store to grab some.)

Employee: “Can I help you find something today?”

Me: “Yeah, I was looking for salsa but I wasn’t able to find any.”

Employee: *blank look*

Me: “I was looking for salsa but I couldn’t find it on the shelves. What section would that be in?”

Employee: “Pasta sauce? Over this way.”

Me: “No, sorry, I saw the pasta sauce, but I was looking for salsa.”

Employee: *blank look, then brings me over to the pasta sauce*

Me: “Um, sorry, I saw this but I wasn’t looking for pasta sauce I was looking for salsa.”

Employee: “Oh, like chipzend?”

Me: “Huh?”


Me: *realizing she is saying “chips and salsa” but thinks it’s one word* “Yeah.”

Employee: “Oh, we don’t have any chipzendzaza here.”

Me: “Okay, thanks.”

(I grabbed some salsa at another store on my way home.)

Time To Hippity Hoppity Out Of There

, , | Working | December 13, 2017

(After tiredly slumping into a booth in the employee lunchroom, I end up accidentally eavesdropping on a group of exhausted workers in the booth behind me. One of them has decided to cheer himself up with the first thing he can think of, rhyming random phrases.)

Employee: “Bippity Boppity, women are property!” *his eyes bulge as he realizes what he has just said*

Female Coworker: *trying to hold back her laughter* “Generally, I say the opposite when trying to cheer myself up!”

Like Baby, Baby, Baby, NOOOOOOO!

, , , , | Working | December 12, 2017

(I am working a 4:00 pm to 1:00 am shift at a very large grocery store chain. We have assistant managers for each department, and one of them plays a prank on the entire store. The store is open 24/7 and third shift comes in at 10:00 pm, with assistant managers taking over for each other a little earlier, but there’s a bit of an overlap with my shift. We have a room that controls security cameras but also has controls for the music that plays on speakers throughout the store. For some reason, third shift managers cannot get into this room. Around 9:00 pm, our department notices something out of the ordinary.)

Me: “Hey, hasn’t this song played before?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I think you’re right. Maybe it’s just a really short loop through the playlist.”

(A couple minutes later.)

Me: “No, this is definitely on its own loop. Somebody put it on repeat. Can we see if a manager can get in there and fix it?” *finding a third shift manager* “Can you get in the control room to change this music?”

Manager: *visibly annoyed* “None of us on third shift have access to the control room. We’re seeing if a manager from another shift can come in to let us in. If not, we’re just going to have to suck it up until morning.”

(No one came in to change the music. From 9:00 pm until 7:00 am, when new managers came in, Justin Bieber’s “Baby” played on repeat. Third had to work their entire shift listening to that song over and over again. Customers also had to endure it all night. Thankfully, we got off at 1:00 am, but it was still really annoying. I’m not sure if the manager who pulled it off was disciplined at all, but it’s by far the most epic prank I’ve experienced in the workplace. Years later, I still know every word to that song.)

Was Only Half-Joking

, , , , , | Working | December 12, 2017

(My dad and I are the strange customers in this story. I’ve driven him to sign for, pay for, and pick up his new truck, since his old one is completely undrivable. The process goes very smoothly, a few amicable jokes passed back and forth, until the dealer slides the umpteenth form across the desk.)

Dealer: “And this one just means that if the car breaks in half, you still own both halves.”

Dad and Me: *in slightly panicked unison* “Don’t joke about that!”

Dealer: *surprised, pulls back and looks at us like we’re crazy* “Excuse me?”

Me: *while my dad pulls out his phone to show we’re not joking* “We’re only here because his current truck rusted in half.”

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