Going To Need Some Shots After This Screenshot

, , , , , | Working | July 16, 2018

(I provide IT support for a real estate company that covers a large part of the southeast of England. One day I am providing support for a colleague when the following happens.)

Me: “Can you let me know the error message you’re getting on the screen?”

(My colleague is unable to describe the error message.)

Me: “Okay, if you can send me a screenshot of the error, I think I know the problem.”

(My colleague sent me a screenshot that consisted of the following: a print screen of the error, pasted into Word so it was shrunk portrait, printed out, scanned, and saved as a .tif file. The file was then attached to an email and sent to me. The colleague is a lovely person but really struggles when it comes to common sense.)

On A Check Trek

, , , , , | Working | July 16, 2018

(I am at the pharmacy picking up my prescriptions, when the pharmacy technician gestures to the bag of syringes that come with.)

Pharmacy Technician: “Are you wanting these, too?”

Me: “They are part of the order, so yes, please.”

Pharmacy Technician: “I’ll have to check on the price.”

Me: “Okay.” *waits for her to go, she stands there*

Pharmacy Technician: “Do you want me to check the price?”

Me: “Um… Yes?”

Pharmacy Technician: “Okay.” *goes to check price and comes back holding the bag* “$1.49!”

Me: “For all of them?”

Pharmacy Technician: “No, only for one.”

Me: “What’s the price on them all?”

Pharmacy Technician: “I’ll have to check that.”

Me: “Okay.” *waits as she stands there*

Pharmacy Technician: “Do you want me to check that?”

Me: “Um… Yes.”

Pharmacy Technician: “Okay.” *grabs calculator* “$17.88.”

Me: “Total price?”

Pharmacy Technician: “Excluding taxes.”

Me: *really don’t want to ask this* “What is the total, please?”

Pharmacy Technician: “I’ll have to check that.”

Me: *wanting to cry, bang head, scream* “Of course you do.” *waits as she stands there*

Pharmacy Technician: “Do you want me to check that?”

Me: *thinks* “NO, I WANT YOU TO DANCE FOR ME! ENTERTAIN ME! ON YOUR HEAD!” *saying* “Yes, please.”

Most Jobs Are Just Smoke And Mirrors

, , , , | Working | July 16, 2018

Me: “Know what else I hate?”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “People who vape, and then look down on people who smoke.”

Coworker: “I was hoping you’d stop after the first half of that sentence.”

Me: “Well, maybe I’m speaking from a position of ignorance here, as somebody who does neither one, but they seem pretty much the same to me. You’re still putting something d**k-shaped in your mouth and blowing gas through it.”

Coworker: “I think the difference is that with smoking, you’re paying a rich, fat, old, white man to suffocate you slowly over 40 years.”

Me: “So it’s the same thing as having a job?”

(Pause.)

Coworker: “Dude. High five.”

Not Quite Excelling At Her Job

, , , , , , | Working | July 16, 2018

(We have a new person in the office who claimed to be an Excel expert when she applied. While her role doesn’t require using the software, one manager decided to take advantage of her skills and have her redesign an allocation sheet for one of his divisions. She agrees to help and spends an entire day working on it instead of doing her actual duties. I go up to her, asking if she wants a cup of tea. However, she looks quite stressed.)

Me: “Is everything all right?”

Colleague: “Yes. It’s just this allocation sheet. It’s very complicated and demanding. I think someone is going to have to pick up my work until I’ve finished.”

Me: “You should only be doing that once you’ve finished the work you are required to do. I think [Manager] would understand.”

Colleague: “Clearly you don’t understand anything. This requires a lot of concentration! I can’t just do an odd hour here or there.”

Me: “What are you trying to do? I’m quite good at Excel myself. Maybe I can help.”

Colleague: “No, it’ll be way above your head.”

Me: “Try me.”

Colleague: *sighs* “In this column here, I’m making all the boxes write in bold.”

Me: “Okay.”

Colleague: “And that’s very time-consuming.”

Me: “You’ve spent a day making all the cells in that column bold?”

Colleague: “Yes.”

Me: “And how have you been doing it?”

(She then selects a single cell, right-clicks it, clicks on “Format Cells,” then the “Font” tab, and then “Bold,” before clicking “Okay.”)

Colleague: “Understand why it’s taking so long?”

Me: “And you’ve been doing that one cell at a time? Why don’t you just select a group of cells at a time, or better yet, just an entire column?”

Colleague: *confused* “What?”

Me: *pointing at the column head* “Click there.”

(She does and her eyes practically bulge when the entire column changes colour. I then navigate her to the “Home” tab and tell her to click the “B.”)

Me: “Everything in that column will be in bold now.”

Colleague: “I… I need a break.”

(She gets up and turns. The manager she was making the sheet for has been stood behind us long enough to understand what’s just happened. He says he won’t be needing her help anymore, and she leaves for the kitchen.)

Manager: *whispering to me* “Even I know how to bold a f****** column.”

(This revelation spread like wildfire in the office, and while no one is outright bullying her, no one trusts her with a PC, resulting in her no longer being needed.)

Acting Like A Call Of Duty Douche

, , , , , , | Working | July 16, 2018

(I work in video game publishing as a producer. One day we get pitched a game that we decide after a lot of discussion just isn’t a fit for us — for a lot of reasons, ranging from tone to cost vs. scope — but might work for another publishing company we’re friendly with. Up to this point, I have spoken with the lead programmer once before on the phone to ask questions, and he was friendly and polite. I call him back to tell him our decision, as well as to ask if he’d like us to send his information along to someone who might be a better fit.)

Me: “So, while we appreciate you reaching out to us about [Game], and we see enormous potential with it, we don’t feel we’re a fit for it. However, we do have a good relationship with another publisher who we think is more in line with your vision. If you like, we can send—”

Programmer: “You know what? F*** you, you dumb b****! What the f*** do you even know about games, anyway? Did you f*** your way into that job? Because you don’t sound like you’re qualified for more decision-making than which d**k to suck today! Dumb f****** b****!”

Me: *baffled silence* “Uh…”

Programmer: *sharp intake of breath* “Oh! I… I thought you had hung up already! B-but, uh, what were you saying about, um, another publisher?”

Me: “I was literally in the middle of talking. But I am hanging up now.”

(I was mostly just surprised at the complete flip in personality, and considered that we had dodged a bullet working with this guy. He tried emailing me, saying he had just been kidding, and asking me to connect him with the other publisher. Then, when I ignored him, he tried emailing my coworkers and telling THEM to tell me he had just been “goofing.” Trust me, the complete fury and sheer volume of his voice meant he hadn’t been joking. The game never did get off the ground. from what I saw. Even if you’re upset about getting your project rejected, being unable to handle that and instead blowing up in a completely unprofessional manner just shows you don’t have the temperament or interpersonal skills to handle working with other people. I’m just glad he showed his true colors before I connected him with another company; those professional relationships are important no matter what industry you’re in, and, “Hey, why did you recommend us this guy who was, in reality, an actual lunatic?” isn’t a great look.)


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