Does Your Pen Say “ACME” On The Side?

, , , , , | Working | March 19, 2019

(I work for a nonprofit agency that runs professional licensing examinations. We still use paper applications, and among our rules is that the applications are signed or we will reject them. Although the instructions state they have to be in black or blue ink only, we are willing to accept any color ink, or pencil, or even crayon, as long as they are signed. One Friday afternoon, a young lady calls. I’ve had a long week but am feeling silly and mischievous when I pick up the phone.)

Caller: *speaking timidly* “What happens if you sign the application in red ink?”

Me: *falling victim to a wicked urge* “The application explodes.”

Caller: “Uh… uh… It blows up? Really?”

Me: “Try it and see!”

(She was dead silent for a few moments, and just as I started thinking that I went too far and started to apologize, she exploded in shrieks of laughter. Once she regained her composure, I apologized, as I really shouldn’t have done that, but she dismissed it, and thanked me as she had been stressing out over little things and needed a good laugh. She asked my name and extension so she could reach me again if needed, and she did call back a few times, always with intelligent questions and always sounding glad to hear my voice. The day before her exam she called me again, and I could tell she was feeling nervous, so I cracked some more jokes, gave her a pep talk and what advice I could give, and told her she would be fine. She passed with flying colors and called me to thank me for helping put her at ease. I told her it was all her own doing, and she said that while I really shouldn’t have cracked that joke when she first called, she was so glad I did. I don’t work there anymore, but that remains my favorite memory from that job.)

Boss Of Nothing

, , | Working | March 19, 2019

Customer: “Good morning. I was wondering if [Boss] was in today.”

Me: “No, I don’t believe he is today. Sorry.”

Customer: “You have no idea who I’m talking about, do you?”

Me: “I know who you’re talking about.”

Customer: “You know, [Boss]. He’s the boss of the store.”

Me: “Yes, I know. He’s not here today. Sorry.”

Customer: “He’s a big guy, grey hair. No?”

Me: “I know who you’re describing. He’s not here.”

Customer: “Forget about it. I’ll go find someone who knows who I’m talking about. Thanks anyway.”

It’s Good For The Boss That You Have Internal Filters

, , , | Working | March 18, 2019

(I work as an intern in the lab. One of my jobs is filtrate mud to separate clear water from solid particles. This batch’s mud is exceptionally thick and the filter paper tears easily, so I use two layers of paper per filtration, as my supervisor recommended. It means a filtration that usually takes half an hour now takes two to three hours, but it is the only way to get it done properly. The boss of the lab pops up and see me preparing the layers. He is not a great listener and thinks he is always right.)

Boss: “Why are you doing it this way? It’s going to take forever! You only need one filter paper.”

Me: “I need to use two this time or it doesn’t filter properly. [Supervisor] told me—“

Boss: “Don’t be ridiculous. Here, let me show you.”

(I internally cringe, as him doing experiments always results in me and my supervisor spending hours cleaning after him, and I just know this time is not going to be any different. But he is my boss, so I let him to it and go work on other tasks. I keep an eye on him for twenty minutes and see him struggle and keep tearing the filter paper, mud going through instead of clear water. He finally “has something urgent to do in his office,” which is my cue to clean up the huge mess. I try my best to scoop mud from the flasks and everything the boss used as quickly and efficiently as possible, so we can still analyze the sample before it dries up. Seeing the disaster, my supervisor gives up what he is doing and helps me. As we are finishing up, the boss comes back from his urgent matter. He looks at us cleaning for a little while and tell us patronizingly:)

Boss: “Yes, you see, for this batch, you should use two layers of filter or it goes everywhere! Remember it for next time.”

(He promptly exited and let us bask in his wisdom.)

As Long As The Coffee Survived

, , , , | Working | March 18, 2019

(A coworker and I are walking back from our break, and he’s carrying a tray of take-out coffee for everyone. He is carrying the tray with one hand, looking at his phone in the other as he walks.)

Me: “[Coworker], be careful.”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Me: “Watch out where you’re walking.”

Coworker: *clucks his tongue at me affectionately* “See, you’re like the big sister I never had, worrying over nothing.”

Me: “You have like five cups of hot coffee in one hand, and it’s all uneven here. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

(He scoffs at me so I let it drop. A few paces later, however, as he’s looking at his phone, he comes up on a ledge that has a central set of steps, misses the steps, and his foot comes down on open air. It’s only about a foot drop or so, but he pitches forward and his phone goes flying as he reflexively grabs for the coffee tray, jerking it up over his head like he’s offering it skyward — amazingly not spilling a drop — as he lands hard on both knees.)

Me: “Oh, my God! Are you okay?!”

Coworker: *gritting his teeth in pain* “Yes, thanks. And a preemptive thanks for not saying, ‘I told you so.’”

(At least he saved the coffee, and luckily, his phone was okay, too!)

Online On The 24th Of July Only

, , , , | Working | March 18, 2019

(I want to “chat” with someone at my major cell phone carrier, so I go to their “contact” page. There is no live link for chat; it is grayed out. Quoting the page:)

Message: “Chat — We are online 24/7. If we aren’t available, please check back later.”

(Okay, so… when am supposed to check back? Maybe the 25th hour of the 8th day of the week?)

Page 5/2,018First...34567...Last