The Killing Joke

, , , , | | Working | May 17, 2019

(My wife and I and two other couples go to a casual restaurant together one evening that we go to often. All six of us are sitting in a corner booth.)

Waitress: *sitting down in the booth next to my wife* “Hi! Before I take your orders, I have a joke to tell you.” *tells the joke, which isn’t funny to any of us* “Oh, I guess it wasn’t that funny. What can I get all of you to drink?”

(She takes our drink orders — at this place the waitress makes the drinks — and then drops them off at our table.)

Waitress: “I’ll be right back.”

(She then goes to another table, sits down, tells the same joke, and then takes their drink order and wanders off. We wait for a long time for her to come back to take our order, and we see her return to other tables and take their orders, but for some reason she never returns to us. We finally flag her down.)

Me: “Excuse me, you never took our order. Can we please order sometime soon?”

Waitress: “I did take your order. See, you have drinks. Let me go check the kitchen to find out why your food isn’t ready.”

Me: “We never told you our food order.”

Waitress: “Yes, you did. I’ll be right back.”

(She returns a couple minutes later.)

Waitress: “I’m really sorry, but it looks like the kitchen lost your order. I need to take it again.”

(We all kind of look at her weird but just place our orders with her. She then wanders off. At this point, all of our drinks need refills, but she never does that. We wait for a long time, to the point where other tables have had their food, eaten, and left, and we still have no food. We don’t see our waitress anywhere, so I go up to the counter. Our waitress sees me.)

Waitress: “Hi. Do you need something?”

Me: “Our food.”

Waitress: “You need to order more food?”

Me: “No, we need the food we ordered. We never got it.”

Waitress: “I brought you your food.”

Me: “No, you didn’t. Can you please find out where our order is?”

Waitress: “Let me go check.”

(I go back to my seat and wait a couple minutes. The waitress comes by.)

Waitress: “I checked the kitchen, and your food is not being made right now. I know I delivered your food.”

Me: “If you gave us our food, why are there no plates here, and why is all the silverware still clean and on the napkins just like they were when we sat down?”

Waitress: *funny look* “Let me see.”

(The waitress leaves and doesn’t come back. After about five minutes, I go up and find a man in a shirt and tie and ask him if he’s the manager. He says no, but he’ll get the manager to come to my table. He comes, and we explain that we’ve only had drinks, that the waitress had to take our order twice, and that we still don’t have food. The manager comes back after a couple minutes.)

Manager: “I’m really sorry. I checked the waitress’s ordering book and found your order; she had never given it to the kitchen. I’m not sure why. I don’t know why she’s arguing with you, either. I see you guys in here all the time, so I’m going to give you your meals and a dessert for free.”

(We finally ended up with our food after about two hours. We did go back there again, but never saw that waitress again.)

In A Bad (Inter)State

, , , | | Working | May 16, 2019

(I, unfortunately, find myself unable to pay my credit card bill. I am driving on the interstate in heavy traffic while it’s raining. My phone rings. Normally, I would let it go to voicemail, but as I’m stopped at that second I take a moment to answer. I realize it’s someone from my credit card company, calling for their missed payment. After running through her little script, she asks me something about discussing payment options. Politely, I respond to her.)

Me: “Well, I’m sorry to say this, but I actually can’t — and shouldn’t — be talking right now. I’m driving in heavy traffic on the interstate and it’s raining. I can call back later; is that okay?”

(There’s a moment of silence before she replies with this gem:)

Agent: “Oh, well… Is there any way you could pull over and we could discuss this?”

(I am momentarily stunned, but when I get my voice I respond.)

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, I just told you I was driving in heavy traffic, in the rain, on the interstate. To be honest with you, I only answered because I’m stopped in traffic. Furthermore, I am not going to traverse through two lanes of traffic to pull over, on the interstate, to discuss a missed payment. I wouldn’t pull over even if I weren’t stuck in traffic. Sorry to sound rude, but that is a ridiculous request. Now, I have to focus on driving. I’m sorry, but I will be calling back later.”

(I hung up because I was trying to get into the rightmost lane so I could get ready to get off at my exit. I felt bad for saying all that, and for hanging up on her, but in my opinion, asking someone to pull over on the interstate to talk maybe ten minutes about payment options is ridiculous, when I could just do that when I arrived home, safe.)

The Boss Is A Big B(r)other

, , , , , | | Working | May 16, 2019

I work at a coffee shop in a mall. My boss is a little strange, and I have had a few odd instances with her. Once, she got angry with me for not attending a coffee shop employee barbecue get-together, because I was busy attending an activity that would further my career. Another time, she told people they could not quit at a certain time, because she was heading on a long vacation and wouldn’t be able to go if someone quit, as she would have to hire someone else and train them.

One evening, about 45 minutes before closing, my coworker and I have started to do closing duties. I rearrange a couple of the coffee pots to the spots they will need to be in the following morning, which doesn’t affect us being able to pour coffee or the customers being able to see it or anything.

No sooner than I’d done that, the phone rang. It was my boss — who, mind you, was at home at this point — asking me why I moved the coffee pots, and saying that I shouldn’t move them until we were officially closed for the night! Not only was the request a little nitpicky, but the worst part was that she was watching us on the mall security cameras!

Making A Meal Out Of Payment

, , , , , , | | Working | May 16, 2019

(I am a shift manager for a popular fast food restaurant. I am in the drive-thru taking cash, and I have an assistant with me. Our store has recently been fitted with “tap to pay” card readers.)

Customer: *pulls up to the window*

Me: “Hi! Did you have the [meal]?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(He hands me his card and I notice that it is a PayPal card with a “tap to pay” symbol on it; it’s the first one I have seen since the card readers were upgraded. On a whim, I tap the card against the reader, assuming nothing will happen. Imagine my surprise when the payment goes through and my assistant and I are excited and amazed.)

Me: “Holy s***! It actually worked!”

Assistant: “Whoa, that’s cool.”

(I return the card after finishing the transaction and we finish the order, still talking about it with the customer.)

Me: *after the customer leaves* “We are just a bunch of nerds.”

We Know “Lotioning” Isn’t A Word But It Should Be

, , , , | | Working | May 15, 2019

(My department at work consists of mostly females, and that means I and the few guys working there are definitely the minority. I have been complaining to my wife over email that my skin is incredibly dry and I am getting itchy. She says when I get home she will get me some lotion to help. As I sit typing, I look down at my arm and realize I can’t wait that long; I have “crocodile skin.” One of the women I work with jokingly told me one time if I ever needed lotion to let her know because she has some at her desk. So, I decide to do just that. I approach her desk with my index fingers together like you see little kids do when they want something.)

Female Coworker #1: “Uh-oh, what did I do?”

Me: *laughs* “Absolutely nothing. Um… One time you and a few of the others jokingly said if I ever needed some lotion I could borrow some… May I?”

Female Coworker #1: “YES! I have… uh… this one which is [scent], this one which is [type], this one…”

Me: “I don’t care what it smells like; I have crocodile skin and it’s really bothering me!”

(She hands me one and I crack it open, putting some on my skin.)

Me: “Oh! I like this!”

Male Coworker #1: *popping up like a prairie dog from his desk* “Huh?! What? Lotion?”

Me: “Yeah, my skin was so dry!” *rubbing both hands up my arm coating myself in the “smell good” lotion*

Male Coworker #1: “Oh! Um… Can I have some?”

Female Coworker #2: “I have some! Want to try it?” *grabs a bottle and starts walking over*

Male Coworker #1: “That’s not the cinnamon stuff that makes everyone here sneeze, is it?”

Female Coworker #2: “No, it’s…” *smelling it* “Okay, it might be…”

Me: “Well, it’s peppermint from what I can tell.”

Male Coworker #1: “Okay… fine… I’ll take it!”

Male Coworker #2: “What are you guys doing?”

Me: “Lotioning.”

Male Coworker #1: “Yeah, figured since he’s going to moisten his skin, I would.”

Male Coworker #2: “Uh… What kind of lotion is it? I mean, you guys are smelling like lotion.”

([Male Coworker #2] is then given lotion by a third female coworker and starts applying it. All of this is going on directly outside the department director’s door. He pops out and sees the three of us guys and the three girls rubbing our skin with lotion and stares at us for a second.)

Department Director: “Dry skin?”

Me: “Yeah, it was bad.”

Department Director: “Carry on. Smells good in here!”

(The department director walked away and we all started laughing. It became known as the “Moistening” by everyone in our department, and they learned at least three guys in the office are secure enough to wear scented lotions for the sake of comfort.)

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