Another Case Of Wifitis

, , , , , , | Working | August 13, 2017

(We’re due to have a new member of staff; they passed the interviews all fine and we’re just making sure that their workspace will be set up a-ok. Keep in mind we’re an Internet software company. As part of this we ask if the employee has any special needs for their workplace; for instance I’m disabled due to arthritis so I require a special chair and keyboard set up. I got a phone call from the new employee about a day before she was due to start:)

New Starter: “Hey, yeah, just calling about my workplace set up. I do have a few requirements.”

Me: “Okay, no worries; do you want to go through them now or send them via email or post?”

New Starter: “Nah, phone is fine. I need an ergonomic keyboard and mouse because I have RSI.”

Me: “No problems at all; I’ve got a setup like that myself so we’ll get those installed for you.”

New Starter: “Right, and I’m deathly allergic to WiFi, so you’ll need to shut off anything wireless in the office.”

Me: “…pardon?”

New Starter: “Yes, I’ll die if I’m near a wifi signal. You need to shut down anything that works wireless.”

Me: *noticing at this point she’s calling me from a MOBILE PHONE* “Erm, that may pose a real problem as a lot of our systems and phones work on wireless.”

New Starter: “Tough. Disable it. Rewire it or whatever you have to do. I’ll die if I’m near anything wireless.”

Me: “Can I ask a question?”

New Starter: “Yes.”

Me: “How did you protect yourself against the signals when you came in for your interviews then? That meeting room actually houses two of the main wireless points for the office.”

New Starter: “I’m going to sue.” *hangs up*

(She DID in fact call a lawyer to claim we were refusing ‘disability accommodations’ who then called our corporate office to complain. We’d already sent the notes from my phone call up so they knew about her ‘issue.’ We never heard anything further aside from a single note from HR saying we’d withdrawn the job offer ‘on agreement with the interviewee.’)

Has You Under Surveillance

, , , | Working | August 13, 2017

(Someone knocks on my door.)

Person #1: “Hello, we are here to complete the survey as explained in the letter.”

Me: “What letter? What are you talking about?”

Person #1: “We sent a letter explaining that we would be around to ask you questions about your household.”

Me: “I received no such letter and I’m not interested.”

Person #1: “We sent the letter. We need to ask you these questions.”

Me: “Who are you?”

Person #1: “We are with [Government Agency that is NOT the census].”

Me: “Interesting. No.”

(I close the door. The person rings the doorbell several times but I go back to watching Judge Judy or whatever. The next day I do, in fact, find the letter. It is from this government agency and it explains they are collecting information on demographics in my area. It also says quite plainly that my participation is optional. The next week, I get a knock on the door.)

Person #2: “Hello, we are here to complete the survey as explained in the letter.”

Me: “No.”

Person #2: “It is very important that we collect this information.”

Me: “No.”

Person #2: “We sent a letter explaining why we need this information.”

Me: “Yes, I found the letter. It said my participation is optional. I opt not to assist you.”

Person #2: “But we really—”

(Door closed. A few days later I get a letter, registered mail, explaining the need for me to participate in this survey. However, the last paragraph again says it is optional. Even if it wasn’t, I will NOT cooperate. The next week the doorbell rings.)

Person #3: “Hello, we are here to—”

Me: “Stop. I have explained twice before that I have no interest in participating. The letter clearly stated this is optional. Do you understand the definition of optional? Get off my porch.”

Person #3: “We just need to know how many kids live in the household.”

Me: “You are absolutely out of your mind if you think THAT is the one question I would answer. Do not return. Do not send someone else. Do not waste government money on registered mail. The answer is no. No. No. N. O.”

(Tax dollars at work.)

Nevertheless You’re Still Getting The Write Up

, , , , | Working | August 12, 2017

(I am called into the office and issued a write-up. I read it. I seriously think it is a joke.)

Me: “Excuse me, could you please explain this? It states that I’m being written up for using ‘nevertheless’ in a conversation with a customer.”

Boss: “Yes, she complained that you used a word she didn’t know and made her feel stupid.”

Me: “How is it my fault that she’s stupid for not knowing what ‘nevertheless’ means? She’s an affluent forty-year-old and is a native English speaker. There’s no reason for her not to know the meaning of the word.”

Boss: “Well, I didn’t know what it meant, either.”

Me: “Once again, how’s that my fault? It’s a perfectly common word. I’d expect a third grader to be able to infer what it meant, even if they didn’t know the meaning. I refuse to dumb down my vocabulary for idiots.”

Boss: *deer in headlights look* “You may go now.”

(No, I wasn’t fired. My boss pretty much ignored me after that incident. I heard from another coworker that I stumped the boss with my use of “affluent.” I quit shortly after.)

Pranking You From The Basement To The Attic

, , , , , | Working | August 12, 2017

(I work for an ice cream parlor with a 1920’s style. It is a fun place to work, but we have our share of pranking. I am leaning on the counter of the main soda fountain.)

Jerk: “Hey, [My Name], don’t lean on the counter! It warps the marble.”

Me: “Oh, BS. No, it doesn’t.”

Jerk: “Sure it does. Look at the surface!”

(He gets his eyes level with the marble counter top so I mimic his behavior to look for myself, but unknown to me he’s armed with a whip-cream can almost on empty so it’s capable of spewing foam like a squirt gun. I got a face full of whipped cream from across the counter. Oh, and “Jerk” is the job title for a soda jerk. Come to think of it, he was just a jerk. Other times we would get a new hire to go hunting in the back room for blueberry topping. Plausible, I suppose, but there was no such thing. One time the rookie managed to get two others helping him look. Sometimes we would send a new guy looking for something in the basement. The restaurant was built on a slab and it was obvious (I certainly didn’t bite when it was tried on me). Eventually the new guy would discover that a basement was impossible. But to complete this prank, you needed a manager’s help. It went a bit like this:)

Employee: “Hey, the manager says to get a box of straw hats from the attic.”

New Hire: “Yeah, right. Pull the other one. I already got taken by the basement gag.”

Employee: “No, seriously, the manager said to get them from the attic.”

New Hire: “Go away!”

Employee: “Suit yourself”

(Shortly after that the manager storms up to the new hire.)

Manager: “You were supposed get hats from the attic.”

New Hire: *stammering* “But there’s no attic!”

Manager: “Come here!”

(The manager leads the employee to a conspicuous chain by the break room and tugs down the ladder. The employee turns red, but never actually gets in trouble. On one of my last days there, late in the year, one other employee (also about to quit) tells me he’s put liquid detergent in the gas tank of the lawnmower. That sucker was never going start. I pitied the poor employee who got the task of trying to start that thing in the spring. The last I checked, lawnmowers don’t run on soap suds.)

Awesome Bosses Are Hard To Ignore

, , , , , | Working | August 11, 2017

(The store I work at is a punk/gag retail store. Our customers generally range from the usual teenagers, to the occasional adult. We’re required to greet every guest as they enter the store and provide them with a promotion. It’s not uncommon for guests to completely ignore us. This happens to be one of those times.)

Me: “Hey, Welcome to [Store]. How are you?”

Customer: *ignores me*

(Once the customer is out of earshot, I turn to my store manager who has been standing beside me given the rather slow day.)

Manager: “I’m great; how are you?”

Me: “I’m good! Can I help you find anything?”

Manager: “No, just browsing.”

Me: “All right! Well, jewelry is buy one, get one half off! Feel free to ask if you have any questions.”

Manager: “Thank you!”

(We then parted ways and went about our business as if nothing ever happened.)

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