There… Were… Four… Rings!

, , , | Right | March 19, 2018

(I work at a small coffee shop that opens at five am. As the head baker on staff, I come in at three am to bake and decorate all the pastries and food my assistants prep the night before. There are no baristas in the building until at least four-thirty. At around four am, the phone starts to ring while I’m dipping donuts in chocolate, so I have to take a moment to wash my hands off before picking up the phone.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *literally screeching into the phone* “IT TOOK FOUR EFFING RINGS FOR YOU TO PICK UP THE PHONE!”

Me: *slightly taken aback, I don’t do much work with customers so this hasn’t happened to me before* “Well, I’m sorry, but—”


Me: “Is there something I can help you with, sir?”


(I am getting frustrated and want to bash my face against a wall.)

Me: “Sir, if you can’t tell me what you want, then I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to wish you a good morning and end this conversation.”


Me: “Yes.” *hangs up, knowing I’m about to say something super rude, otherwise*

(Not even a minute went by and I heard banging on the front door, so I peeked out the little pass-through window to the front, knowing it was too early for it to be a barista. Pounding on the glass and yelling with a very familiar voice was the man from the phone. He stood there screaming that I needed to let in paying customers, that he knew people were there, and that he demanded to be let in. I texted the store owner, who got there with the police fifteen minutes later and banned him from the property.)

Milking It For All It’s Worth

, , , , | Right | March 13, 2018

Customer: “I’d like a medium latte.”

Me: “Do you have a milk preference for that?”

Customer: “One-percent milk.”

Me: “We only have two-percent and skim.”

Customer: “Can you mix them together?”

A Three-Rubel Bill

, , , , | Right | March 13, 2018

(My coworker and I are working a Saturday morning shift and are the only two people on duty. During a slow time, a customer we both recognize and dread walks in. He has been in here before and is known for bizarre and rude behavior. He also frequently rides the local bus system and harasses other passengers. Needless to say, we are not happy to see him. As he barks out an order for coffee, he makes small talk that gets more wild as it goes on. Note: my coworker is still in high school, and is taking AP Spanish.)

Coworker: “That’ll be two dollars for the coffee.”

Customer: “You take two-dollar bills?”

Coworker: “Yep, we do.”

Customer: *taking two one-dollar bills from his wallet* “You take three-dollar bills?”

Coworker: “I don’t think so, no.”

Me: “I don’t think there is such a thing as a three-dollar bill.”

Customer: “Well, there is. I used to work for the Philadelphia Mint. I know all about all kinds of money.”

Coworker: “Really? That’s interesting.”

Customer: “Yeah. I worked for the CIA, too. And at the Hague. And in Russia. I can speak all kinds of languages.”

Coworker: “You don’t say.”

Customer: “I speak Russian.” *fires off a rapid sequence of words that sounds vaguely Slavic* “You speak Russian?”

Coworker: “I don’t, no.”

Customer: *narrows eyes and speaks fiercely* “That’s because your parents didn’t paddle you when you were a child!”

(He takes his coffee and leaves abruptly, while my coworker and I are left amazed.)

Me: “Uh. Did you get paddled as a child?”

Coworker: “Nope, not really. I got punished in other ways.”

Me: “Well, that must be why you speak Spanish.”

(We still laugh about this weird guy and his startling method of learning Russian!)

He Who Call Not Be Decaffeinated

, , , | Right | March 5, 2018

(I am in a coffee shop.)

Barista: “Coffee for Lord Voldemort!”

(This guy walks up to the counter dressed in a cloak and holding a fake wand. He takes the wand and points it at the barista.)

Guy: “You dare speak my name, mudblood?! Avada Kedavra!”

(He then grabbed his coffee and ran out of the coffee shop, laughing like a maniac.)

Their Complaints Are Volumetric

, , , , | Right | February 23, 2018

(I manage a local coffee shop. Recently my boss bought a second location, and I have been managing the transition. We hired a bunch of new staff members. None of us know the regulars.)

Employee: “[My Name], can you help me with this customer? I can’t seem to get her double-cream coffee right.”

Me: “Oh, boy.” *I go up front and greet the customer* “Hey, how are you?”

Customer: *flapping her arms, fists clenched* “This is outrageous!”

Me: “What is?”

Customer: “The music! It’s too loud!”

(Here I’m thinking it’s a problem with her coffee. I turned on the music in the morning and, considering that we have 90% elderly customers in the morning hours, I left the music on a decent volume with a genre catered for their age group. I can barely hear it.)

Customer: “You are going to drive your customers away. You don’t even hire your staff properly; she can’t get my coffee straight.”

Me: “I personally put the music on the morning and did my walk around to ensure the volume was fine. As for my staff, it’s [Employee]’s second day on the job.”

Customer: “I’m going to make sure I write to the home office, and tomorrow I’ll bring my son in to talk to you.”

Me: “Sure, that’s fine; I’d love to meet him.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t say that’s fine! That’s not a manager thing to say!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m trying to help you.”

Customer: “Have you put the volume down yet?!”

Me: “No, I’m still here talking to you!”

(She left, stating she’d never be back, but she is still in, making my life Hell, every morning.)

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