Customer: “Hi, can I have a Frappuccino?”
Me: “Sure, what flavour do you want?”
Customer: “Umm, what’s the vanilla?”
Me: “…It’s a Frappuccino with vanilla flavour.”
Customer: “Yeah, but like, what is vanilla? Is it like caramel?”
Me: “It’s a creamy flavor that comes from the pods of an orchid.”
Customer: “Orchid? Like a flower? Eww. I don’t eat plants. Can I just get the chocolate mint?”
Related:
Who’s Gonna Tell Them?
Customer: “A mocha latte.”
Me: “Is that a latte with mocha syrup and no whipped cream?”
Customer: “No, I want the whipped cream.”
Me: “That is a mocha.”
Customer: “No! I want a mocha latte!”
There’s no difference if you include the word latte or not, but I am not paid enough to care, so I make them their mocha. They look at the receipt:
Customer: “Are you stupid?! You charged me for a mocha! I wanted a mocha latte!”
Related:
Making A Mocha-ry Of Yourself, Part 6
Making A Mocha-ry Of Yourself, Part 5
Making A Mocha-ry Of Yourself, Part 4
Making A Mocha-ry Of Yourself, Part 3
Making A Mocha-ry Of Yourself, Part 2
I’m relatively new at a coffee shop.
Manager: “See that customer who just came in?”
Me: “The guy with the cap?”
Manager: “Yeah. Watch this. He’s going to ask for a regular-sized coffee but want it in an extra-large cup.”
Customer: “Get me a regular coffee but put it in an extra-large cup.”
Wow, almost word for word. The cashier obliges, and my manager makes the drink. As he hands it over to the customer:
Customer: “Hey! Why is—”
Manager: “—Why is there so much room at the top of the cup? Because you ordered a regular-sized drink and asked for it to be served in an extra-large cup, like you do every week.”
Customer: “You guys are—”
Manager: “—ripping you off? No, sir, we’re not. You paid for a regular, we got you a regular, just like you order every week.”
Customer: “What am I supposed—”
Manager: “—supposed to do with all that extra cup space? Fill it with milk? We have self-serve milk and creamers to the side there, just like I point out to you every week.”
Customer: “Ugh! Will you stop!?”
Manager: “Will you?”
The customer angrily walks over to the self-service section and tops up his cup with milk before storming out.
Me: “Are you telepathic?”
Manager: “Nah, he just does the same thing every week. Literally every week, so I know exactly what he’s going to say. He never deviates. I’m pretty sure it’s a performance piece at this point.”
I’m with some friends in a coffee shop I work in after closing. They’re waiting for me to clean up before we all leave together. A lot of our pastries and bread products that are unsold are there for the taking, so I offer some around. One of our friends is a vegan.
Vegan Friend: “Oh, no thanks. I’ve stopped eating bread.”
Me: “Oh, why?”
Vegan Friend: “It’s got yeast in it, and yeast is a living organism. I don’t eat things that are alive.”
Other Friend: “Uh, yeast is a fungus, like mushrooms.”
Vegan Friend: “It’s alive, that’s all that matters. I don’t eat anything considered alive!”
Other Friend: “So, you don’t swallow your saliva then?”
Vegan Friend: “What?”
Other Friend: “Your saliva contains millions of microorganisms, all of them alive. Every time you swallow saliva, you’re consuming millions of living things.”
Vegan Friend: “Well… that’s… that’s different.”
Me: “I feel sorry for all your intestinal bacteria. You’ve enslaved them!”
Vegan Friend: “You guys think you’re being funny but you’re not.”
Other Friend: *To me.* “[My Name], when you bake the bread, can you hear the yeast screaming?”
Me: “I used to, but now I just play the music louder to drown them out.”
Other Friend: “Those poor yeasts.”
We laughed and moved on to a different topic. As I finished cleaning up and we’re heading out to the bar:
Vegan Friend: “Finally! I could murder a beer.” *Pause.* “Why are you all looking at me like that?”
Customer: “Why are you putting milk in my chai latte?”
Me: “Because you ordered a latte.”
Customer: “Latte means coffee.”
Me: “No, latte means milk. Latte is Italian for milk.”
Customer: “I just wanted a chai coffee.”
Me: “Then you ordered the wrong thing twice because chai isn’t coffee, either.”
The customer walked out, a mixture of upset and confused.
Related:
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 11
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 10
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 9
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 8
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 7
