While I’m staying with my uncle and his family for a few days, the house phone rings and he asks me to answer it because I’m closest.

Telemarketer: “Hello, can I please speak to Mr. [Last Name]?”

Me: “Which one?”

Telemarketer: “Mr. [Last Name].”

Me: “You said that — which one? The son or the father?”

Telemarketer: “I don’t have time for this. The adult Mr. [Last Name].”

Me: “Which one?”

Telemarketer: “Mr. [Last Name]! The owner of this address.”

Me: “Yeah, but they’re married; they’re both Mr. [Last Name].”

Telemarketer: “Just give me the homeowner!”

Me: “Oh, in that case, no one; we’re renting.”

Telemarketer: *Click*

Cousin: “Wait, Dad didn’t take Pop’s last name.”

Me: “Huh, you’re right. I guess Uncle Glenn is the only Mr. [Last Name] here after all.”

I was recently shopping at one of the big box office supply store branches in town. One of the items I was looking for was a small headset with a microphone for use with my tablet or phone for calls, etc.

I found a suitable one on sale for $30, so I took it to the checkout with my other purchase.

Cashier: “Hi, how are you today? Find everything you need?”

Me: “Yes, fine, thank you.”

Cashier: *Picking up the headphones* “I have to inform you that these headphones are non-returnable once the package is open.”

Me: “Ooookay… I guess that makes sense if people have already worn them and decide to return them. But they are returnable if they are defective, correct?”

Cashier: “No, unless you purchase a protection plan for $7.95.”

Me: “What?”

Cashier: “They are non-returnable — period — unless you purchase the plan. Then you can return them for exchange or refund if there is a problem.”

Me: “So, if I open the box and they are defective, the store won’t do anything unless I buy the plan which is almost a third of the cost of the item to begin with?”

Cashier: “Correct. It’s policy, and we’ve been instructed to clearly inform every purchaser to avoid confusion.”

Me: “Look, I understand having a policy that bars people from returning used headphones simply because they change their minds, but a defective product is returnable, and the only way to tell is to open the box!”

Cashier: “No, sorry.”

I slid the headphones back to the cashier.

Me: “Then I’m not purchasing these here. If you are collecting feedback, then please inform management that this retailer needs to change policy.”

I paid for and took my other purchase. The receipt clearly stated, “Any opened headphones, earphones, and earbuds cannot be returned at any time.” I understand the rationale of the policy, but unless you have an exception for defective merchandise, forget it.

The kicker to the story? My other purchase was a new budget-priced unlocked phone to replace my wife’s seven-year-old one. It had a return policy of thirty days unopened or fourteen days open box as long as all original contents are in the box. The sales guy assured me we could set the phone up completely and try it out, and if my wife didn’t like it, we could return it for a full refund within the fourteen-day window. And the phone cost six times the price of the headset I wanted.

My sister’s car needed new brakes as they were making that “crunching in snow” sound when applied. It just so happens that the local tire store had a coupon for a brake job. [Sister] called me for advice as they said she needed her rotors turned. I agreed. [Sister] paid the bill and retrieved her car.

Within a few weeks, the brakes were making the same noise. Obviously, the rotors were never turned and tore up the new pads quickly.

I went down to the tire store.

Me: “I want you to give my sister her money back for the brake job.”

Clerk: “I can’t do that because we did the service she was billed for.”

Me: “I’m an accountant. The mechanic shop across the street is my client. That shop is the only one in town that has the equipment to turn rotors. The office manager records the make and model of every car that they turn rotors on. I checked, and she has no record of my sister’s car coming into their shop, ever. Now, send her the money she paid you for the job you never did and charged her for.”

My sister got a check a few days later. I found out at a local coffee shop that they had done that to several people. Needless to say, they were out of business not too long after.

While a full-time student in college, I was a full-time employee at a beef packing company. I worked the second shift, one of over 400 employees per shift.

At the time of this story, I was running a rib and plate saw that was at the beginning of the conveyor. The meat was processed and then vacuum packed, put in labeled boxes, and palletized at the back of the plant. From there, pallets were either forklifted to coolers or loaded into reefers. Palletizing was always getting backlogged, with boxed beef stacked on rollers waiting to be put on the pallets.

We were paid for eight hours, but we saw boys usually finished in six. Because we were the first to finish, we were always sent back to help catch palletizing up. Because I wasn’t getting paid extra for the time spent back there and I had to get home and to bed for my 7:30 class, it was getting really irritating. I eventually came up with what I thought was a workable plan that would keep palletizing from getting behind and keep me from being sent back there.

Me: *To my foreman* “How about sending half of palletizing to supper thirty minutes ahead of the rest of the plant? Then, when we go to supper, they will have that amount of time to catch up since the chain is shut down and nothing is coming their way.”

Foreman: “I will take that to the plant superintendent.”

A couple of days later:

Foreman: “The super said that was like putting a bandaid on cancer; it won’t solve the problem.”

Me: “Well, it would at least help until someone finds a solution, but okay.”

The next week’s half of palletizing was sent to supper thirty minutes ahead of the plant. And I found out that my foreman got a bonus for HIS bright idea.

All I could think was, foreman, you are stuck here until you retire. After I graduate from college, I’m leaving. At least I didn’t have to go back there anymore.

I had a low-value item being delivered for a party from a company in Europe. It was sold through [Major Online Retailer], and I didn’t notice that it wasn’t from within the UK when I ordered, but they had a quick turnaround because it was customised and sent out within a week.

As soon as [Delivery Company That Recently Changed Its Name And Has A Terrible Reputation] got their claws on it, they immediately sent it back to the seller. When I queried them and the manufacturer, [Delivery Company] never replied, of course.

The manufacturer answered:

Manufacturer: “There’s a postal strike in Britain, but as soon as we get it back, we’ll send it back out.”

I replied:

Me: “1. Please don’t send it back; it’ll be too late by the time it arrives. 2. The strike is a couple of instances, lasting around one or two days at a time, about a week apart, so they could’ve just kept it overnight. 3. The postal strike has nothing to do with [Delivery Company]; they’re a private company and the strike is for the national postal workers. 4. I doubt this will affect who you use as a delivery service, but they have a terrible reputation.”

The company refunded my money immediately, and about four days later, the parcel appeared at my door.