(I work at a well-known fast food joint which specializes in fried chicken. We sell potato and gravy as a side to go with our popular bucket meals. On this particular day I arrive half-an-hour early for my shift, so I go and sit down and wait until it’s time to clock in. While I’m waiting I notice a customer, leaving the store with his young daughter, drop a tub of potato and gravy on the ground. The girl’s father panics and immediately goes and summons my manager.)

Customer: “I’m so sorry! My daughter has spilt potato and gravy everywhere.”

Manager: *cheerful and smiling* “That’s okay; don’t worry about it. It’s not a problem, really.”

Customer: “Thank you so much. Once again, I’m really sorry.”

(The customer then proceeds to exit the store with his young daughter. I then notice my manager making his way back to the office without even bothering to clean up the mess left behind by the customer’s daughter. As soon as I clock in, I go to clean up the mess, which has since been walked on by multiple customers over the half-an-hour period it had been left sitting there, getting smeared everywhere.)

Me: *sighs*

(We usually serve jugs of tap water with ice and a slice of lemon. I notice that the manager has put a slice of cucumber in one for a table. I go over to get it.)

Me: “Why did you put cucumber in it?”

Manager: “Why not?”

Me: “What if they’re allergic?”

Manager: “Who’s allergic to cucumber?! They’re more likely to be allergic to citrus.”

(I take the jug over to the table.)

Customer: “Can we get one without the cucumber? I’m allergic. The lemon’s fine, though!”

(A little bit of backstory: I receive a phone from my parents for Christmas one year. As part of the gift, they agree to pay the contract for the first two years (the length of the contract), at which point it will be transferred to me. However, I go away to university in this time, so we set up with the company that I have the authorisation to speak on behalf of my father in case there are any issues while I am away from home.)

Me: “Hi, I’m having a problem with my account. It’s under [Father], but I should be on your system as having authorisation to speak on his behalf? My name is [My Name].”

Customer Service Rep: “Okay, yes, I see, ma’am. That is absolutely fine. We will require the answer to the account holder’s security question in order to continue, though.”

(I know the answers that my father would give to most standard security questions; however, since the account was set up in my absence, I don’t know which question he set.)

Me: “Okay, that should be fine. Can you tell me what the question is?”

Customer Service Rep: “No.”

Me: “…why not?”

Customer Service Rep: “You are not the account holder.”

Me: “But I have the authority to speak in his stead. You’ve already said that your system acknowledges that.”

Customer Service Rep: “I cannot divulge that information.”

Me: “But… look, it’s not as if I’m asking for a hint, or for you to tell me the answer. I’m asking for the question. That information is useless without the answer.”

Customer Service Rep: “I can’t tell you.”

Me: *giving up* “I’ll get in touch with my father and call you back.”

(He couldn’t remember which question he’d used either. Luckily, my mother could.)

(For several months, my wife and I have been fighting with a well-known cable TV provider over our bill. They have been attempting to raise our prices every month and every month my wife will call in to dispute it, and every month, they apply just enough credit to not make switching worth the effort. The last increase is almost a $30 jump and needless to say, we’re both pretty fed up. Then this happens when she calls in:)

Wife: “Look, this is the fifth time I’ve called about our monthly cost. Our bill has just jumped from $90 to $120 for no reason. Nothing has changed in the programming, equipment, nothing. There has to be something you can do about this. It’s ridiculous!”

Rep: “Okay. Let’s see what we can do. If I apply [Credit #1] and [Credit #2] and [Deal] and [Promo], I can get your price down to $130 a month.”

Wife: “What? Did you say $130?”

Rep: “I’m sorry. That’s the best I can do right now.”

Wife: “That’s $10 more than the bill I’m calling to complain about!”

Rep: “Well, another price increase just went into effect since the last bill, and I don’t have any other promotions I can apply to your account.”

Wife: “So what you’re telling me is that my bill is going to increase again next month regardless of what you do now.”

Rep: “Yes. Have I provided you with excellent service today?”

Wife: “No!”

(Needless to say, later that day we called a competitor, scheduled installation with them, and cancelled our account with the existing provider.)

(My boss, colleague, and I are at a client’s office for a meeting. While waiting at the reception for the customer to escort us in, another man comes up to say hi. Note: My boss has a terrible memory for names and faces.)

Man: “Hi, [Boss]! Here for meeting, eh?”

Boss: “Hi. Hey, you look familiar. Do I know from somewhere?”

Man: *laughs* “Yes.”

(The man walks away, still laughing.)

Colleague: “Uh, [Boss], that guy is the Head of Department. [Client]’s boss.”

Boss: “Oh, is it? Oops.”

(A few minutes later, our client arrives. We are led to a meeting room. A couple of attendees from the client’s company are also there. One of them is Man.)

Man: *to my boss* “Now do you recognise me?”

(My boss never fails to entertain me with his embarrassing gaffes.)