Thought He Was Screwing You Over

| Toronto, ON, USA | Friendly | October 10, 2016

(As I live in a busy city, albeit in a nice area, I am a little protective of my bike. I bring it into my apartment at night and never leave it tied up outside for long. As a joke my dad recently attached a particularly ugly children’s cartoon horn to the bike and finding it amusing I haven’t bothered taking it off. One day I park my bike in bad spot at the mall and come out to see a man bent over it. Obviously, I assume he is trying to damage it or steal it so I walk around to stand in front of him.)

Me: “Excuse me. Can my bike and I help you?”

(He looks up at me horrified and I realize he has a screwdriver in his hand with the horn dangling from a screw.)

Me: “Are you seriously stealing my bike horn?”

(He then drops the screwdriver and runs away.)

Me: “Wait, it’s ugly; you can have it! Oh, well, too late. Hey, free screwdriver!”

(Needless to say, I am even more cautious about my bike in the city now. I dropped the horn in a donation bin a few days later, though. It was nice of him to take it off. And I still have his screwdriver.)

Wait Until You Hear What He Has To Say!

| Finland | Working | October 10, 2016

(I’m walking through a small-ish mall to get to my bus, as I’m going to work. A mall vendor tries to stop me.)

Vendor: *begins his spiel*

Me: “Sorry, I’ve got to catch the bus to work!”

Vendor: “Work can wait!”

(All I could think of was if he was willing to tell my boss, our team of 7, and the client that his pre-ordered move was going to be late because he wanted to sell me a new Internet plan… or if he was willing to pay me the financial damages of losing my job, which could very well have happened.)

Wearing The Bracelets Of Persecution

| AB, Canada | Right | September 21, 2016

(Two women come in and pick out several hundred dollars worth of things. This is something that we watch for because it is an excellent tactic for shoplifting. Eventually they approach the counter.)

Girl #1: “Why are they watching us?”

Girl #2: “It’s because we’re Native, isn’t it?”

Me: “No, we have employees stationed at various point through the store at all times to create the optimal experience for customers to be able to locate an employee without much issue.”

(I watch the girl slip a bracelet into her pocket.)

Me: “So with the bracelet in your pocket, your total will be [Total]. And in fact they are one for [Price] or two for [Better Price].

Girl #1: “There is no bracelet in my pocket.”

Me: “That’s because your friend grabbed it while you were trying to cause an issue about your race. I watched you.”

Girl #2: “I’d like to speak with a manager.”

(My manager has been watching on the cameras in the back room. We have video of the girl blatantly taking the bracelet. The manager comes out.)

Manager #1: “Girls, security has been alerted. You have two options here. You can hand over the bracelet and pay for ALL of the items, or face prosecution.”

Girl #2: “You have no proof.”

Manager #1: *points at the camera* “We do.”

(They hand over the bracelet and a gift card.)

Me: “This gift card will not be sufficient to cover the costs of these items.”

(At this point security shows up and escorts them out of the store and asks if we’d like to pursue charges. Thinking they learnt their lesson, we chose not to go forward with charges but did place a ban on them from returning. On my next shift:)

Manager #2: “So, what happened the other day?”

(I explain what happened.)

Manager #2: “That’s not what [District Manager] said. She heard from the girls’ mother. Apparently they called her to lodge a formal complaint after the girls said you called them [derogatory term for Native women].”

Me: “Um, no, I called out the one girl for attempting to steal an item. Then security escorted them out.”

(They launched a full investigation into the incident and finally the girls broke down and explained that they were angry that I had caught them and lied to get me fired.)

Candy Man Cosmetics

| USA | Working | September 20, 2016

(My brother and I live far enough apart that we don’t see each other all the time, but close enough that we will occasionally get together on a whim. Since it’s Memorial Day and neither of us has plans, we decide, day of, to meet up at a mall near his apartment. On my way there, I realize that I left my phone at home, but I am too far to turn around. So, I’m wandering around the mall, trying to run into him, as we hadn’t picked a place inside the mall to meet. While I’m doing this, a clerk of a cosmetic store stopped me in my path.)

Clerk: “Do you want to come and try our new cream?”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Clerk: “You know you want to.”

Me: “I’m fine.”

Clerk: “Come on. Just try it.”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m actually looking for my brother right now.”

Clerk: “Oh, he’s inside!”

Me: “I doubt that.”

Clerk: “Come on, he’s in here!”

Me: “I don’t really see my brother doing that. But you’re doing a really good impression of the creepy candy guy in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

Clerk: “No, he was lost and scared, looking for his sister, so we let him in here.”

Me: “He’s 22 and lives alone.”

(The clerk finally stopped after that.)

The Terrible Star Trek Twos

| Logan, UT, USA | Romantic | September 20, 2016

(We have a toddler whose middle name is Tiberius.)

Husband: “If we ever have another boy, we should name him James. Leonard James.”

Me: “That’s actually not too bad. I like the name.”

Husband: “And then if we have ANOTHER boy, we can name him Kirk.”

Me: “I don’t really like the name Kirk.”

Husband: “No, you don’t understand. We have to name him Kirk.”

Me: “Wait…”

Husband: “So then we could have James Tiberius Kirk! And then if I become an officer and get to the rank of captain in the army, we could be Captain James Tiberius Kirk!”

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