Yet Another Outdated Measuring System

, , , , , , | Related | April 23, 2019

My father-in-law has a saying regarding breast size: “More than a mouthful is a waste.”

My sister-in-law had just told me about it. Curious, I asked my husband to open his mouth as big as he could. He was puzzled but complied.

Shrugging, I turned to my sister-in-law and said, “So I’m wasteful.”

Knowing about his father’s saying, my husband doubled over in laughter.

Not That Nuts About You Lying To Me

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2019

(Our chocolate crepes are made with an organic version of Nutella, and are labelled as a “hazelnut spread.”)

Customer: “I want a hazelnut crepe, but don’t put the caramelized pecans on it; I’m allergic to nuts!”

Me: “I’m not making you a crepe with hazelnut spread, which contains nuts, if you just told me you’re allergic to nuts.”

Customer: “Oh, it’ll be fine. I’m not that allergic.”

Me: “Nope. The spread contains pecans. You’re allergic to pecans. It’s not happening.”

Customer: “Fine. I just don’t like pecans. Now can you make me my crepe?”

(Never works. No one’s going to the hospital while I’m the chef there.)

I Shall Diminish, And Go To The East(er)

, , , , , | Working | April 21, 2019

(It is the Saturday before Easter. I work in a flooring store at the front desk reception. After a busy day, we are closing the showroom and the president of the company is leaving. As he is walking out the door, he is waving goodbye.)

Me: “Bye! Have a happy Easter!”

Boss: *smiles and laughs while he waves out the door*

(I was a little puzzled by his reaction, but then I remembered… my boss is Jewish. I had just wished my JEWISH boss a HAPPY EASTER! I laid my head on my desk, utterly mortified by what I had just done.)

Real Men Don’t Hold Their Children To Bizarre Gender Expectations

, , , , , | Related | April 19, 2019

(I work at a gift shop for a zoo. Today, a young boy, probably around four or five, enters with his parents. The mother tells him he can get one thing, and after a little bit of looking around, the boy reaches for a plush mermaid.)

Boy: “I want this one!”

Mom: “No, you’re a boy. Pick something for boys.”

Boy: “But I want a mermaid!”

Mom: “I said no. You’re a boy. Pick something else!”

(The boy is clearly upset, and his mother is starting to look angry. The boy looks down at the mermaid in his hands again.)

Boy: “But I want this one…”

(The mother takes the mermaid out of his hands, throws it on the shelf, and grabs him by the arm.)

Mom: “Fine. You’re not getting anything, then!”

(She drags the young boy out of the gift shop, and he’s now starting to cry. The father, who was watching all of this in silence with an equally angry look on his face, waits for the mother to get out of view, picks the mermaid up, and comes to my register to pay for it. Before I can say anything, he whispers quietly enough that none of the other children in the shop can hear him.)

Dad: “I’ve had it with that b****. If my son wants a mermaid, my son’s getting a f****** mermaid.”

(He apologized for his wife causing a scene, and I gave him my employee discount for being such an awesome father.)

Eel Lady Attacks!

, , , , , | Right | April 19, 2019

(I’m a sushi chef in a small kiosk in a grocery store. We rent the kiosk from the store but are owned by a parent company. One of the rolls we have is slices of eel on balls of rice, topped with sesame seeds and a sauce.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “What are these… things on the eel?!”

Me: “Those are sesame seeds, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t want them! Make me a new one this instant!”

(She then opens the package containing the sushi and throws it at me, hitting my chest and smearing sauce down my front. I stare at her and slowly turn, making her a new set with no seeds. I hand it to her and she walks away, no thank you or apology. Twenty minutes later, she storms back up, and again, she throws the eel at me, this time hitting my face, as well.)

Customer: “THERE ARE NO SESAME SEEDS!”

Me: *trying to keep my cool, because I need the job* “Ma’am, you requested that I make you a roll with no seeds.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me, you little b****! I want my g**d*** roll made right!”

(I very quietly made her a new roll, this time pouring the seeds into a sauce cup with a lid. I handed it to her, and she left again. Ten minutes later, the lady came back with a grocery store manager, demanding that I be fired for my rudeness. He listened to my side and told her that even if I had done anything wrong, he had no authority to fire me, as I was not his employee. She stomped her feet in the most childish way and stormed out. Thirty minutes later, I looked up to see Eel Lady, as she is now known, walking back through the door, her cheeks puffy. She walked up to me, chewing, and then proceeded to spit chewed-up eel and rice all over me. Eel Lady was then escorted out and permanently banned from the store.)

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