Fake Stranger Danger Danger

, , , , , | Related | February 12, 2019

(My brother has a wicked sense of humor and loves to troll people. He never means any real harm by it, but not everyone knows how to handle it. Our mother has been forced to learn from experience. We’re shopping with our mother and my fourteen-year-old brother. This is also during an era when there was a string of commercials on television about what children should do if a stranger tries to take them from a store.  On this particular day my brother has been bored and is dragging his feet.)

Mother: *to brother* “Will you come on already? We’re almost done.” *tugs on his arm at this point*

Brother: *throws himself to the floor* “THIS ISN’T MY MOMMY!”

(Everyone around us stops to stare. I expect my mother tear into him, but instead, she stays completely calm.)

Mom: “Well, if I’m not your mother, I guess I don’t have to give you a ride home or feed you any of this.”

Brother: *sheepishly gets to his feet*  

(He did not try that one again.)

Unfiltered Story #139398

, , | Unfiltered | February 8, 2019

(I work as a ferrier and blacksmith and will often go to horse shows and such to advertise my business and preform emergency services on horses that need them. Typically all I do is just trim horse hooves and put shoes on, but I can also provide some veterinary services. In this instance, a woman walks up to me while I’m treating a mule that’s in a lot of pain because of his bad feet, and am administering an oral pain relieving gel via his mouth.)
Woman: “What are you doing?! Get that tube out of his mouth right now! You’re poisoning him! YOU’RE POISONING THE ANIMAL THAT JESUS CHRIST RODE INTO TOWN ON! WE HAVE A JESUS HATER! JESUS HATER!!! HE’S POISONING A DONKEY!!! A HOLY DONKEY!!! JESUS HATER!!!”
(The woman runs away, screaming about how I’m trying to poison the mule, and that I’m a Jesus hater. I didn’t even get to say anything to her before she ran off. Luckily, the mule was ok.)

Unfiltered Story #138527

, , | Unfiltered | February 3, 2019

My 15-year-old, lesbian sister and I have opened up a restaurant a week ago. Our mother comes and dines every once in a while with my other mother. This was one of those days where they both came. The couple in the booth behind them were continuously glaring at then. It was around the time my parents were done with the meal.

Mother #1: *Sigh*, the food here is always amazing.
Me: Well, aren’t you lucky it’s always free for you two!
Woman: *Whispering to her husband* Free? For a couple of evil sinners?
Mother #2: *Overhears the woman* Excuse me?
Woman: You heard what I said, f***ing f****t.

(My parents and I are in shock. My sister was cleaning up a few tables over. She is a little shy, and tends to hide away.)

Mother #1: Honey, (referring to mother #2)  we should go.
Mother #2: Y-Yes, let’s leave. Thank you so much for the amazing food!
Man: Fucking sinners shouldn’t be aloud here.

(My sister is completely done, since this was the first time she has witnessed people disrespecting her sexual orientation and our parents. She storms over.)

Sister: No, no. You, c***, shouldn’t be aloud here. You are being disrespectful to my family. You have the f***ing nerve to go here, and call my parents,’evil’?! You are the fucking definition of evil! You won’t let my parents, or myself get married! You won’t let people love each other! Now, you better get the fuck out of here, before I give you a reason to hate a lesbian.
Man: So you’re a f****t too?

(My sister takes the soup on the couple’s table, and throws it into the man’s face.)

Man: CRAZY B****!
Woman: Let’s get out, we shouldn’t be near f****ts.
Man: *Glares at my furious sister, and storms out*
Man: You’re going to tell, f*g.
Sister: I’ll see you there!

(The entire restaurant, including the customers, staff, applauded to my sister. I’ve never been more proud. We also excused her obsessive swearing.)

Don’t Sweat The Sweatpants If They Didn’t!

, , , , , | Related | January 31, 2019

(One day I go to change into some sweatpants and find a pair I have never seen before in my clean laundry basket. I figure they got mixed up but end up wearing them nonetheless, and become pretty attached to them, wearing them every day and even taking them on a two-week trip to Florida in case I feel like wearing them. Fast forward a few months: I get a text from my mom.)

Mom: “Do you have a pair of Dad’s light grey sweatpants in your basket? He’s missing a pair.”

(I walk upstairs to my parents’ room wearing the aforementioned sweatpants.)

Me: “You mean these?”

Mom: “Yep.”

Me: “I’ve been wearing these nearly every day for months; how didn’t he notice?”

Mom: “I don’t know. Just bring them up here next time you wash them.”

(I honestly both hope and expect him to forget.)

Unfiltered Story #137177

, , | Unfiltered | January 26, 2019

(I’m at a place I used to work at, before moving out of state. I’ve since dyed my hair pink and had a child, who I’m holding while talking to the manager. I see a customer waiting, so I step aside.)
Customer: I want to make a complaint!
Manager: Alright, what’s the problem?
Customer: SHE *points to me* is walking around with some kid she had while out partying and is encouraging other teens to get knocked up! And just look at her! She’ll rob you blind if you’re not careful!
Manager: Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to ask her to leave.
Customer: WHY NOT???
Manager: For one, she had her baby after she finished high school. Second, she’s hardly even talked to anyone besides staff since she walked in. Third, she’s dyed her hair pink for personal reasons, and I really doubt she’d think of stealing.
Customer: How do you know? I bet you’re covering for her!
(By now, I’m torn between laughing and punching the man. I speak up before the manager can.)
Me: Because I used to work here, and talked to her after I moved.
(The customer glares at me and walks away. The manager and I laugh about it for a minute.)
Manager: So, before you steal half of our inventory, what can I get you?

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