Politeness Gets You Donuts And Wi-Fi

, , , , | Right | January 17, 2018

(I am the customer. I’ve been having the worst week ever, fighting with my cable company to get Internet in my new place, and for some reason I have to be online to activate my online access! It’s pretty late when I come into what I hope is a 24-hour coffee shop with Wi-Fi.)

Me: “Hey, what time does the lobby close?”

Barista: *looks worried* “Um, we close in about ten minutes.”

Me: “Oh, man. Oh, that figures.”

Barista: “Why?”

Me: “I was hoping to get online. I don’t have Internet and I need to handle some stuff.”

Barista: “Well, if you don’t mind us listening to music really loud, we’ll be here until 10:30. You’re welcome to stay.”

Me: “Are you sure? I don’t want to hang you guys up.”

Barista: “It’s no problem; don’t worry about it!”

(Not only was I able to get through to the online services and activate my Internet, but the baristas gave me free doughnuts when they cleaned out the cases! Way to make the worst week ever turn into the best night! Thanks, guys!)

Where Can I Find The Lacto-Free Cows?

, , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My siblings and I are over at our parents’ house for dinner, and my sister has brought some un-homogenized whole milk from a local dairy. My dad’s doctor has recently encouraged him to cut down on animal fats for his health.)

Dad: “I can’t have that. There’s too much fat.”

Sister: “That’s all right. We’ll just pour you some before we shake it and then take off the cream.”

Dad: “No, it still comes from a whole cow.”

Brother: “A… whole cow?”

Dad: “Yeah. I can only drink milk from skim cows.”

Brother: “That’s not how it works.”

Dad: “Yes it is. There are skim cows, 2% cows, and whole cows.”

Me: “What about 1%?”

Dad: “I guess they have 1% cows, too.”

Me: “And does chocolate milk come from brown cows?”

Dad: “No, that’s stupid.”

(He didn’t understand why we all thought that was funny.)

Eating In Reverse

, , | Healthy | January 12, 2018

(I am in the ER waiting to be treated for a severe migraine with EXTREME nausea. In the next cubicle is a man who apparently had a blockage in his digestive system. A stomach pump has just begun when I am shown to my cubicle. I am very happy not to have been an “ear-witness” to the tube insertion!)

Female In Next Cubicle: “Oh, look! There’s a jelly bean! And that must be the chicken from dinner!”

(She continued describing every morsel being pumped from his stomach. My nausea increased to the point that I vomited on the floor near the curtain. She wasn’t as excited about seeing what I had eaten. It stopped her narrative, though.)

Unfiltered Story #103634

, | Unfiltered | January 12, 2018

I’m in my early 20’s, visiting my family in my hometown, and need to make a run to the local convenience store/pharmacy one day. It just so happens that in this small-ish store, condoms/lubricants, etc. are directly next to the section of feminine hygiene products.

As I’m picking out a box of tampons, I remember that I need to pick up something else, and look over my shoulder to see where it is in the store. As I do, I see a store employee, a woman in her 50’s, watching me intently, and then suddenly looking away when I look at her. I find it strange, and at first think that she suspects me of stealing. When I turn back to the shelves, I can see out of my peripheral vision that she’s watching me with a strange look on her face, and it dawns on me that she thinks she’s watching me pick out condoms. I pick up some tampons and leave the aisle.

When I get to the register a few minutes later, this woman is now cashiering. She rings up my items and sees that I haven’t picked up any condoms.

Cashier: Honey, did I see you looking at condoms?

Me: Condoms? No, I was looking at tampons. *taps the box of tampons she just rung up*

Cashier: Oh, honey, it’s okay. I know you saw me looking, I’m afraid I must have scared you off.

(At this point, and elderly couple has lined up behind me, and I’m a bit embarrassed to have the cashier asking me about condoms in front of them.)

Me: No, really, it’s okay, that’s not what I was looking for. I got everything I needed.

Cashier: *louder now, and with kind of a strange smile* But every young woman needs to be safe! Condoms are important! I’d feel better if I knew you were protecting yourself. Are you sure you don’t want to go grab some?

Me: Really. It’s okay.

Cashier: *frowning* Alright then.

I quickly pay and leave. I understand the sentiment behind her pushiness, but if you really want someone to feel comfortable buying something like condoms from you, I don’t think staring at them like an animal in the zoo is the way to go about it.

Spectator Sport Is A Spectator Sport

, , , , , , | Learning | January 11, 2018

(At school I’m in the band. Our director has a sense of humor and jokes around with us a lot. One day the following conversation happens.)

Director: “How many of you watch people play video games on YouTube?”

(Most of us raise our hands.)

Director: “Those with a raised hand, can you tell me why?”

(Again most of us raise our hands, and the director calls on someone.)

Student: “Do you watch football?”

Director: “Sometimes, why?”

Student: “Well, why do you watch football?”

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