The World Isn’t Bready For This Customer

, , , | Right | June 15, 2020

Customer: “I want to return this bread. It’s supposed to be fresh, but the expiration date listed was a week ago! It’s starting to grow mold!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Let me take a look.”

I see that the printed date did, in fact, pass over a week earlier, and that the bread does seem to have some mold growing.

Me: “Hmm, that shouldn’t happen. If you could show me your receipt, I’ll process a refund.”

The customer hands me a receipt that does have the bread — brand and all — on it, but I notice the receipt is over two months old.

Me: “Ma’am, this is over two months old.”

Customer: “But the bread is expired!”

Me: “Ma’am, this kind of bread is good for about a month. If you had eaten it as soon as you bought it, it wouldn’t have made it to the expiration date.”

Customer: “But I wanted to eat it yesterday, and it was moldy! It should wait for me to want to eat it!”

Me: “Unfortunately, leaving bread out in the open doesn’t do much for its preservation. Next time, you could try putting it in the freezer.”

Customer: “No! You should make it so the bread stays fresh forever!”

Me: “Ma’am, that isn’t biologically possible.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because I’m not God.”

Several minutes later, a manager came over to see what the fuss was about. Naturally, he refused the refund.

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They’re Quite Far Away From The Bells Of Bow

, , , , , | Right | April 29, 2020

I am a British-born Filipino. I am visiting family in the rural part of the Philippines for the first time. They are quite poor but run a fruit stand in their local marketplace, which they are very proud of. Not wanting to be dead-weight, and wanting to improve my Bisaya — local dialect — I spend time manning the market stall.

I spot some tourists one day, which is uncommon enough in this area, and I recognise the twang of the American accent. I decide to have a little fun.

Tourist: “How much for the bananas?”

I suddenly explode into my most stereotypical East-London cockney rhyming slang. Imagine Dick Van Dyke from “Mary Poppins” coming out of a Filipino face.

Me: “Gawdon Bennett, if it ain’t some lovely Yanks! Forget the Gertie Gitanas, my love, come and ‘ave a butchers at my Ungle Reg!”

The tourist just looks at me blankly, and I can’t help but smile. I return to my normal accent: neutral British.

Me: “Sorry, just having a laugh. The bananas are a hundred pesos for a bunch.”

The tourist is still just staring at me, as if I had two heads. Going on a hunch, I break down into a probably-offensive stereotype of the Filipino accent, like swapping Ps and Fs, the whole works.

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Saging por one-hundred.”

Tourist: “Oh, a hundred, cool! You should stick to English; I couldn’t understand your Filipino before.”

And that was when I learned never to joke with customers ever again.

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Makes You Wish You Could Just Die(al)

, , , | Right | December 6, 2019

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My landline phone is not working. It’s got no dial tone.”

Me: “Oh, I know what you mean; it can be a hassle.”

(We go through troubleshooting.)

Me: “Is one end of your phone cord plugged to the phone port?”

Customer: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Is the other end plugged to the modem?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, that’s why you have no dial tone; let’s insert that end to the back of the modem just like we did with the phone.” *after several minutes of trying to walk the customer through*

Customer: “I don’t know how to do it; send someone over!”

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Unfiltered Story #169000

, | Unfiltered | October 8, 2019

I work in a contact center (customer service for DDA accounts) for a US bank. I had a call wherein the client is calling to know when his deposit would post to his account…

Me: Thank you for calling **** This is *****. How can I help you today?
Client: Yes, I made a check deposit and it’s still not on my account.
Me: I see, let me take a look into the account for you.

After authenticating the client…

Me: Where did you make the deposit? in the branch or ATM?
Client: In the branch *sounding upset*
Me: Was it just today?
Client: NO! It was 30 minutes ago! Why is it taking so long for you to give me my money even if the check is being drawn from your bank?!

So 30 minutes ago is not part of today then~

Listen To The (In)Voice Of Reason

, , , , , | Right | September 3, 2019

(Part of my job is going to customers’ offices to have invoices countered. This particular run, my manager is heading to the banks near a customer, so he offers me a ride. Since I usually just take a minute, he waits in the car while I go into the office. This happens after I’ve submitted the invoice for countering.)

Customer: “Your invoice is wrong. I’m not signing it until you fix it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What’s the matter?”

Customer: “Your price for [product] is too high. We’ve never paid that much.”

Me: “Oh, I’m really sorry about that. I’ll take it back to the office and have it corrected.”

Customer: “No, don’t bother. Just change the price there and I’ll sign it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t have the authority to do that. Only one of the people who signed off on the invoice can correct it, and it’d need to be countersigned.”

Customer: “Okay, go. It’s your problem if this is late.”

(I take the invoice and go back to my waiting manager. When he asks me how it went, I tell him the customer refused the invoice because the price is wrong. He checks the price and says it is correct, and that he was the one who informed this particular customer that there was a price hike. He takes the invoice and tells me to come with him back to the customer.)

Manager: “Ma’am, my assistant here tells me you have a problem with the price. I have to tell you that this price is correct. We changed it last December, and I told you about it right away.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t. We’ve always paid [price] for [product].”

Manager: “You did until last December. Ma’am, this isn’t even the first invoice we’ve issued at this price. Your order last January was at this price, and you signed the invoice then.”

Customer: “No, I don’t think so. We’ve been ordering [product] from you at [price] for years.”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am, you have. That’s why I informed you of the price increase last December and asked if it was okay.”

Customer: “I never heard about a price increase.”

Manager: “Ma’am, I can show you our text exchange on my phone. If you have a minute, I can even call the office and get them to send me a picture of the last invoice, which you countersigned. The price is correct.”

(My manager and the customer get into an argument because the customer refuses to accept that she was informed of the price increase. When my manager shows her the text exchange in which she was informed of the new price and even confirmed it, she insists she be given the old price for just this order, insisting her loyalty means they deserve a discount. My manager stands his ground, giving all the reasons the price went up and even insisting that the customer’s loyalty is the only reason it didn’t go up more. She finally decides that if that’s the case, she doesn’t want the goods anymore and demands we take them back, which we cannot do because the goods are at their warehouse, not office, and we would have to schedule the delivery team to do it. The whole thing would also require approval from the sales director, who probably wouldn’t give it because of the size of the order. She finally angrily signs the invoice, but of course, has to give the classic:)

Customer: “Just so you know, we’re not ordering from you again. This is absolutely ridiculous.”

Manager: *smiles acidly* “Ma’am, given how small your orders are, I really don’t care. We’ll be back for your last check, then.”

Customer: “I’m not paying!”

Manager: “Then our lawyers will be in touch.”

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