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They Sure Nose How To Waste Time And Resources

, , , | Healthy | June 25, 2022

I used to work for 911 on an ambulance. People called for all sorts of nonsense. I had a patient call for a nose bleed.

Patient: “Take me to the ER with lights and sirens! That’s what they do on TV!”

Me: “The only reason we do that is if it’s an emergency. Your nose bleed is not an emergency.”

We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really), Part 2

, , , , , , | Healthy Related | June 22, 2022

I wrote this story. Grandma has always exaggerated when she feels sick. She used to be a nurse, so you would think she would know better than to do stuff like this.

One day, my grandmother comes downstairs and complains that she has a cough. The problem is we haven’t heard her cough once. She’s not even fake-coughing. She sets up a virtual doctor’s visit, but since the doctor can’t really examine her, he prescribes her a cough medicine for her nonexistent cough. She then complains that it isn’t working. We’re doubting she’s sick since she never goes anywhere and she’s not showing any symptoms, but it is peak pollen season, so we suggest she take an allergy pill. She refuses.

A few days later, Dad finally hears her wheezing a little bit. Mom suggests she make an appointment to go in and actually see her doctor. Grandma has other ideas.

Grandma: “I want to go to the hospital. My cough is just terrible.”

Again, we haven’t heard a single cough from her this whole time.

Mom: “I don’t think you need to go to the hospital. If you don’t want to see your doctor, we can take you to urgent care. They’re less expensive than the ER and can probably help you out.”

Grandma: “No. I need to go to the hospital.”

Dad: “Fine. We’ll take you to the hospital.”

Grandma: “I don’t want you to take me. I want to go by ambulance.”

Dad: “Why?”

Grandma: “Because then I won’t have to wait.”

Mom: “You’ll still have to wait. We’re not calling an ambulance. You don’t need an ambulance. Ambulances are for real emergencies. If you want to go to the hospital, we’ll drive you there.”

Grandma: “I want to go by ambulance! I don’t want to have to wait!”

Dad: “We’re not calling an ambulance!”

Grandma disappeared upstairs. A little bit later, she came back downstairs with a bag. A few minutes later, an ambulance pulled into our driveway. She had pressed the button on her life alert and told the person, “I can’t breathe!”

Grandma walked out to meet the EMTs and told them to take her to the hospital. My dad went out and talked to them. The whole time they were examining her, she was talking a mile a minute and her oxygen was at 98%. The EMTs tried to persuade her not to go to the hospital by ambulance, but she insisted, so they had to take her.

She was highly upset when she spent all day waiting by the nurse’s station to be seen. She did stay in the hospital for several days because they couldn’t determine if it was pneumonia or heart failure. They did eventually diagnose her with heart failure and told her to go on a low-sodium diet, which has caused a host of other issues.

Related:
We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really)
We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar! (Salad), Part 2
We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar! (Salad)

The Hamburg Baby Burglar

, , , , , , , | Legal | May 7, 2022

Back in 2011, we moved to Hamburg, Germany from The Netherlands. My German was basic at best, but I tried. One day, I was coming back from a jogging session and I saw a neighboring building on fire. It was nothing massive, but black smoke was coming out of a couple of kitchen windows on one of the stories.

In front of that building, I saw my neighbor: a young woman with her four-month-old daughter in a pram. The neighbor was completely in distress, obviously trying to reach someone on the phone without any luck. She was screaming into what I suppose was a voicemail:

Neighbor: “Pick up the d*** phone. Why don’t you answer me?!”

I approached her to see what was wrong and whether I could help. Apparently, one of the kitchens burning belonged to a friend of hers — the one she couldn’t reach. She was in complete panic, afraid that the friend was still inside. The street was starting to fill out with various emergency vehicles, being extremely loud. I offered to help her and she gave me her kid so that the baby wouldn’t be in all that noise. Mind you, I had been living there for just a couple of months and more than knowing we were neighbors could not be said about our relationship. 

I took the kid in the pram to a safer place and had to ask for permission to enter the street, as it was closed off by the police officers. I was wearing a bright neon pink shirt — the typical “don’t run me over” jogger outfit. The kind police lady let me pass after I told her I live in the building next door and advised me to go inside with the kid to avoid breathing in the fumes. In all the confusion, I didn’t tell the neighbor where I was going, and she didn’t tell me where to take the kid. We each assumed the other one knew. I’m sure you all already know where this is going.

I took the kid inside, into my apartment, as advised. She was tired, and as I rocked her in my arms, she fell asleep. I put her on the sofa and sat beside her, not knowing if the could turn and fall down. All of a sudden, I could hear helicopters flying over, quite low. My heart leaped; I was sure that the building on fire was in a very bad condition.

Suddenly, someone rang the doorbell. When I opened it, I saw two police officers standing in front of me. They looked at me, up and down, and asked if I had seen a baby girl, matching the description of the baby sleeping on my sofa. 

Me: “Yeah, she’s here, sleeping.”

Officer: “What? Wait… This was all a misunderstanding. What luck. Oh, dear, what luck! Could you pick her up and bring her along?”

Me: *Completely confused* “Sure.”

I picked up the still sleeping girl and, guided by the two police officers, stepped out of my apartment onto the street. What I saw scared the living daylights out of me. There was an entire corridor of the police force: a full K9-unit, motorbike police officers, police officers on horses, uncountable police cars, ambulances, etc.

Apparently, the neighbor — the little girl’s mother — finally reached her friend and, happy that the friend was okay (she wasn’t at home, but working, to begin with), she turned around to her kid… who was gone… and she had no recollection anymore to whom she had given the child. So, her first reaction was to go into full-blown panic mode and claim that someone had kidnapped her kid.

In a street full of emergency services due to a fire, it wasn’t difficult to organize a full search. And then, it hit me: those helicopters were looking for me!

All is well what ends well: we (me and my husband, who missed the whole ordeal due to work) went to visit the neighbors a couple of days later with some newborn presents, and we had coffee, cake, and a good laugh about everything. I even ended up babysitting on a couple of occasions.

And, ladies and gentlemen, that is how I ended up having a true story of how I, once upon a time, was Hamburg’s most wanted criminal, even if it was for a very short period of time.

A Mountain Of Issues

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2022

A tourist father with his wife and two children, all in shorts, shirts, and flip-flops and with one tiny bottle of water in the height of summer, caused a very complicated rescue mission when climbing the Julian alps.

Us: “Why did you climb a 3000-metre tall mountain?”

Father: “We wanted to see your highest mountain.”

Us: “But you climbed the most difficult path.”

Father: “You have had to make sure that there’s a proper path up to the mountain for people like me!”

On the plus side, he paid for everything because of his own stupidity. And believe me, he isn’t the only one in a very long season.

As Soon As They Say, “I Pay Your Wages,” Ask For A Raise

, , , | Right | May 3, 2022

I work for a fire department. We were recently on the news showcasing a new piece of training equipment. I take this call a couple of days after the news story airs.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Fire Department]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I want it.”

Me: “Can you please let me know what you want?”

Caller: “The thing from the news. I want it.”

Me: “Do you mean the window prop?”

Caller: “Yes, I pay your wages. You need to let me have it.”

Me: “Ma’am, we cannot give you the training equipment we have at the station. I can give you the name of the company we bought it from.”

Caller:No! I don’t want my grandkids to die in a fire. If they do, I’m suing you.” *Hangs up*

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”