Cramping Up Out Of Embarrassment

, , | Right | September 17, 2017

(I work EMS on a college campus. We get a call about an unresponsive student in a dorm bathroom. We arrive and talk to the roommate.)

Roommate: “She went in the bathroom about an hour ago, and she hasn’t come out, and won’t talk to me.”

Me: *knocks on the door* “Campus EMS! Are you okay?” *no response* “It’s EMS. Please open the door!” *no response* “Open the door, or we will break it down.” *no response*

(We break down the door and find a completely conscious girl inside.)

Me: “Are you okay?”

Girl: *completely indignant* “Why did you break down the door?!”

Me: “Because you didn’t say anything. Why didn’t you respond?”

Girl: “Because I have cramps and I was embarrassed.”

Blocking Traffic And Their Thought Processes

, , | Working | September 8, 2017

(I’m driving along, when I see a police car pull up behind me and turn on its lights. We are on a part of the road where there is no pullover space, and it’s rush hour, so the road is pretty busy. I see a light ahead where I can turn, so I do, into a parking lot. By now, the police car has its sirens on, and it pulls up behind me. An officer comes out and runs over, very excited.)

Me: “Hello-“

Officer: *screaming* “Why didn’t you pull over?!”

Me: “I did.”

Officer: “You’re supposed to pull over right away!”

Me: “Well, I didn’t want to block traffic.”

(I gesture to the road, which has cars going by in numbers. A look of realization crosses his face.)

Officer: “Oh… Well, next time, just pull over right away. I thought you were running!”

Me: “Even if I was blocking traffic?”

Officer: “Even so! License and registration! Your plates are expired!”

(He gave me a ticket for having expired plates. I had forgotten to get them renewed. I’m sure he would’ve given me another ticket for blocking traffic if I had stopped back there, but I didn’t say so. You just can’t win… or argue against them.)

Respect For Convenience Trumps Respect For The Dead

, , , | Right | August 23, 2017

(My father is a senior police officer in Amsterdam. During his shift there was a deadly accident involving a car and a pedestrian. After having covered most of the accident up with white sheets and having put up a line to keep the people from walking onto the scene, a woman walks over the line just before my father stops her.)

Father: “Ma’am, you need to stay behind the line. There was an accident and nobody other than the police or medics can come through.”

Woman: “But I need to go over there.” *points to a local shop on the other side of the street*

Father: “I understand that, but walk around. You are walking through—”

Woman: “But I need to go there! It’s shorter this way!”

(She tries to pass my father before he steps in front of her again.)

Father: “Ma’am, I warn you one last time to walk around or I will throw you against the ground and arrest you.”

(At this point the lady had enough and walked passed him before he could stop her. He vthen threw her upon the blood-stained ground. After about five minutes of holding her down with two other officers, she gave up and got handcuffed to a stop sign. She was there till the accident was taken care of and cleaned up, three full hours later.)

Answering The Call Of Duty

, , , , , | Right | August 10, 2017

(I’m working the graveyard shift at our dispatch center, answering 911 calls from the public. Usually this is the time when we receive our most interesting callers.)

Caller: “I’d like to speak the head honcho, you know? Who is ever in charge of the… uh… department or police or whatever?”

Me: *thinking he wants to speak to a supervisor to make a complaint* “What is this in regards to?”

Caller: “About a job. How to get one with the police.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Caller: “I’m asking about how to get a job there.”

Me: “You’re asking about getting a job… on an emergency line?”

Caller: “Yes, I think I’m really good at what I’m doing now. I could help out, work as… uh… what’s it called… for an undercover cop. That’s what I mean. I could work as an undercover cop. How can I get a job doing that?”

(Just to make sure he’s not doing anything that could endanger himself or the public, I decide to continue and ask questions.)

Me: “And what is it that you’re exactly doing right now?”

Caller: “I’ve been noticing a lot of crime and drug sales in the area. At my home and at [Major Intersection on East side of town.] I play a lot of Call of Duty and I know what I’m doing. I’m just watching all the activity around me. I think I could be a real help. I just have this one little thing in court that I need to take care of, but other than that, I don’t have anything else. I’m clean.”

(At this point, I’m too flabbergasted to be my usual stern self when someone abuses the 911 system. I remain patiently polite, already imagining telling this story later.)

Me: “Okay… well… you will need to go to the town’s website and look for any job openings for the police department. I think they’re hiring officers now, so go take a look. Just don’t call 911 asking for a job here. And if you do see anything drug deals or anything like that going on, don’t confront the people, just give us a call and let us know.”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, of course. I won’t confront them. I’m just watching. So, just go to the town’s website?”

Me: “Yes. You can fill out an application there.”

Caller: “Thank you so much! I really think I could be a big help.” *click*

Dispatcher: *next to me* “Did someone really just call 911 for a job? Were they serious?”

Me: “I… don’t… know.”

Their Demands Are Just Hot Air

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2017

(I work as an admin. assistant at a local fire department. One of my duties is to issue burning permits for anybody wanting to burn brush. This happens over the phone.)

Caller: “Burning permit. Now.”

Me: “Due to the high winds we are not issuing burning permits at this time. You can call to check tomorrow and then come in to the station.”

Caller: “I can’t tomorrow. You need to make the wind stop. I pay your salary so you have to.” *slams down phone*

Me: “Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

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