Sidewalking Tall

, , , | Working | November 17, 2017

(I have just been involved in an accident where a car, in the process of avoiding a collision, mounted the pavement and hit me. It isn’t serious, as the car wasn’t going very fast. An ambulance and police car arrive. While an EMT looks me over, a police officer asks me questions.)

Officer: “How fast were you going?”

Me: “Uh, walking speed, I guess.”

Officer: *not believing me* “Sure. And were you wearing a seatbelt?”

(The EMT gives me a funny look as we both realise the officer has gotten me confused with the guy who hit me.)

Me: “Uh, no.”

Officer: *scolding me* “You’re old enough to know how important they are, so why wouldn’t you wear it?!”

Me: “I didn’t know they came with pavements.”

(This set the EMT off and he practically fell over laughing. The officer blushed and ran off. Another officer ended up having to finish the questioning.)

Called Them Via God

, , , , , , | Working | November 11, 2017

(My mom is driving down the street when she witnesses a car accident. She gets out to see if the drivers are okay. [Driver #1] seems okay, but [Driver #2] seems a little dazed.)

Mom: *to [Driver #2]* “Are you okay? Would you like me to call an ambulance to have you checked out?”

Driver #1: “I’m a nurse. She’s fine.”

Mom: “We should at least call the police and file an accident report.”

Driver #1: “This is a company car. I’m a home healthcare nurse, and I’m on duty. I can’t have an accident in a company car! Don’t call the ambulance! She’s fine!”

Mom: “Okay.”

(My mom then goes back to her car and calls our church, which is nearby. She asks the church secretary to call an ambulance to come check out [Driver #2], which comes within a few minutes.)

Driver #1: “Did you call the ambulance?!”

Mom: “No, I did not.”

Trying To Resuscitate Their Knowledge

, , , , , , | Learning | November 9, 2017

(My coworker has just returned from a three-day first aid course, so he can be qualified as the first aide for our pool and gym. On his first day back, we are discussing how his course went.)

Coworker #1: “Oh, God, the course was so boring. I had to fight to stay awake the entire time.”

Me: “Was there nothing that interested you?”

Coworker #1: “Well, the guy who took the course did say he had done something from the course a lot of times.”

Coworker #2: “Resuscitate someone?”

Coworker #1: “No something else, to help keep them alive.”

Coworker #2: “Resuscitation?”

Coworker #1: “No, it was something else! The main thing we learned.”

Coworker #2: “That’s resuscitation!”

Coworker #1: “CPR! He had done CPR to save people!”

Coworker #2 & Me: “What do you think the ‘R’ stands for?”

Coworker #1: “…”

Me: “Please tell me you didn’t sleep through the course.”

(We don’t plan to leave him as the sole first aide of the gym any time soon.)

Bomb Sniffing Dog By Day, Man’s Best Friend By Night

, , , , | Learning | November 1, 2017

(I am in eighth grade. My school has had a string of small fires, two hit lists, and several bomb threats. Not a bad neighborhood, just a**hole kids. On one such occasion, I’m staying late after school because my father is subbing for a sixth-grade teacher and I decide to ride home with him instead of taking the bus. I’m sitting in his classroom doing my homework when I feel something cold and wet press against my arm. Looking down I see, to my surprise, a huge German Shepherd sitting next to me wagging his tail. Naturally, I reach out to pet him, and then a voice shouts from the doorway:)

Officer: “Aramis! Back to work!”

(The Shepherd’s ears droop as he goes to make a round of the room, and I look up to see a police officer standing in the doorway. I glance at Aramis, then back at the officer.)

Me: *pointing at Aramis* “Bomb-sniffing dog?” *the officer nods* “Cool.”

(I go back to my homework, and Aramis finishes his search of the room. On his way back to his handler he starts to trot back towards me again. I don’t reach out this time since I know you’re not allowed to touch police dogs.)

Officer: “Aramis! Here!” *Aramis goes to the officer’s side, the officer looks at him and shakes his head* “He’s never been this easily distracted before.”

Me: “Well, I have a girl dog at home; maybe he smells her on me?”

Officer: “He’s supposed to ignore little things like that. Ah, well, at least there’s nothing here. Aramis, come.”

(Aramis and his officer head down the hall to finish their sweep and I go back to my homework. As they’re passing by the open classroom door Aramis starts to trot towards me again, tail wagging.)

Officer: “ARAMIS! Geez, man!” *Aramis reluctantly stays with his officer, who stares at him and then looks up at me* “I don’t know what’s gotten into him; he’s never been this distracted!”

Me: *unable to keep from grinning, though trying to look apologetic* “It’s an animal thing.”

(The officer shook his head, but I saw him smiling at little as he and Aramis departed. Maybe Aramis needed a day off!)

Giving You Something To Wine About

, , , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I’m working the closing shift at a drugstore. About an hour before we close, the manager notices someone has been in the women’s restroom for about half an hour. The manager goes to talk to her, and this happens:)

Manager: *knocking on door* “Ma’am, are you okay?”

Lady In Bathroom: “UHH!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Manager: “She won’t talk to me. I’m going to call the police.”

(A sheriff’s deputy arrives shortly after.)

Officer: *knocking on door* “This is the police. Is everything all right?”

Lady In Bathroom: “UHH!”

(The police officer entered to investigate, and the lady was taken out of the store on a stretcher. I thought she might have just gotten sick, but after closing, while I was cleaning the bathrooms, there was vomit everywhere and I found a half-empty box of wine next to the toilet that the lady must’ve stolen off the shelf before drinking in the bathroom.)

Page 1/812345...Last
Next »