This Police Force Is Very Middle-Of-The-Road

, , , | Legal | August 1, 2018

(I live along a popular highway that has only two lanes and runs through several small towns. It’s a popular route to the beach, and therefore, the traffic is pretty constant despite it being a small road. There is a particularly bad crash right out front of my house one day: a car hits a semi-truck head-on. I run outside and call 911 immediately, as I do not have the time to search for the local police number and, unfortunately, do not know it off of my head. Luckily, both the drivers of the truck and car are alive and conscious. The truck driver is fine, but the driver of the car has me help him out of his vehicle and asks if he can lay down in my yard, as he isn’t feeling well. Fifteen minutes pass with no police or EMTs showing up, and other drivers are beginning to drive through my yard to get around the wreck. Eventually, the man asks if he can use my restroom, and since he’s been waiting so long, I say yes. While I’m waiting for the man to come back out of my bathroom, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am, we spoke on the phone a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a problem with your address.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Can you please repeat it?”

(I repeat my address, which she then asks for two more times as conformation.)

Caller: “Yes, okay, that’s what I have written down… Huh.”

Me: “Is there a problem? Not to be rude, but why is it taking anyone so long to get here?”

Caller: “The police can’t find your house, ma’am.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “The [Town] police cannot find your location. They’ve driven around, but they can’t find your house or any wreck.”

Me: “What?! I can see the police station from my front yard! I’m looking at it right now. Traffic is almost backed the whole way up to it.”

(Sure enough, I’m at the bottom of a hill and the police station is near the top, totally visible from my front yard.)

Caller: *sputters* “That’s [address]?!”

Me: “Yes”

Caller: “[Address]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Caller: “I don’t know what to tell you. [Address].”

Me: “I’m going to hang up and call the local police station now.”

(I hang up, and, as promised, call the local cops.)

Cop: “Hello, this is officer [Cop].”

Me: “Hello, officer. I called in a wreck at [address] and the operator is telling me that you can’t find my house. Twenty-five minutes have passed since the collision. One of the drivers involved in the wreck is currently inside my house recovering.”

Cop: “Oh, yeah! You’re sayin’ it’s on [Street], but I can’t find you. You sure you got yer address right?”

Me: “Officer, the wreck is visible from the police station, as is my house, [address].”

Cop: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s next door to [Funeral Home], the lot where you guys sit and give out tickets every evening.”

Cop: “Oh! Okay, I’ll turn around and be right there.”

(Turned out they had all driven ten minutes in the opposite direction. It took the cops a total of thirty-five minutes to get there, and an ambulance didn’t arrive for an additional fourteen minutes.)

A Light Police Story

, , , , | Legal | July 24, 2018

(My father and I are driving a motorhome down a deserted stretch of interstate highway, under the speed limit, at night. No other cars are visible at all, when all of a sudden a state trooper comes up behind us with his light on. We pull over and the officer gets out:)

Officer: “How are you folks, tonight?”

Father: “We are just fine.”

Officer: “What did you pull over and stop for?”

Father: “Where I’m from, at least, we are supposed to pull over for police cars with their lights on.”

(The trooper looks at his car and turns back to us, looking a little embarrassed.)

Officer: “I’m sorry. I was out making sure that no elk were on the interstate. The lights scare them off the road and I forgot they were on. Have a good night.”

Got The Baby Blues

, , , , | Healthy | July 6, 2018

(A few years ago, my brother worked in a 999 call centre, and he told us about a conversation that went roughly like this.)

Woman: “I was bathing my baby and she turned blue.”

Brother: “Where is your baby now?”

Woman: “Up in the bath.”

Brother: “On her own?”

Woman: “Yes.”

The Most Important Meal For Those Doing The Most Important Job

, , , | Hopeless | July 2, 2018

(I am in the supermarket checkout lane, the fourth customer in line. Third in line is an ambulance crew, clearly getting food and beverages for their breakfast and lunch. Suddenly, their radio crackles:)

Radio: *loud enough for everyone close to hear* “Ambulance [number], car accident at [address], two vehicles involved, several injured. Ambulance [other number] is on its way, as well, to assist.”

(One of the ambulance crew starts to leave, to go get the car, while the other stays back a few seconds to speak to the cashier:)

Ambulance Crew #1: “D***, guess another day without breakfast.” *now to the cashier* “Can we leave our things with you so someone puts them back? We can’t wait until it’s our turn.”

First Person in Line: “Just cancel my order and ring them through first.”

Cashier: “Won’t work. I need the manager, and he’ll take a couple minutes to get here. You can just leave it on the conveyor belt; I’ll put it away.”

(The second crew member thanks the cashier, and starts to leave.)

First Person in Line: “All right, just ring it through with my things; I’ll pay for it.”

(The cashier quickly asked the customer to confirm, and as she did the cashier rang everything through in less than 15 seconds, and gave it to the second crew-member who immediately walked towards the door. As soon as he got outside, the ambulance drove up, so no time was wasted with the driver waiting for the other crew-member to arrive. In the end, it wasn’t that big of a deal, monetary wise. Couldn’t have been more than 10 or 15€ total. Still, it was great to see the customer not even thinking twice about paying for the groceries, just to make sure the ambulance crew would have something to eat before trying to save lives.)

 

Sometimes You Just Have To Bear With Them

, , , , , , , | Legal | June 23, 2018

(A bear breaks into our basement. The only reason I know it is there is because the dog is going insane at the basement door. I go downstairs to see what he is barking at, and there is a bear sleeping in the corner. Where I live, animal control is only accessible through the police department. I pick up the phone and call 911.)

Dispatcher: “911. What is your emergency?”

Me: “A bear has broken into our basement and I need animal control to move it.”

Dispatcher: “So you have an intruder in your house?”

Me: “I guess you could call it that.”

Dispatcher: “Are you in a safe place?”

Me: “Uh, no. There is a bear in the basement.”

Dispatcher: “Are they armed?”

Me: “Uh, sort of. They have big teeth and really sharp claws.”

Dispatcher: “Can you give a description?”

(At this point I realize she is just following the emergency response card, and not really listening.)

Me: “Yeah, he looks like Smokey the Bear.”

(She never gets it through her head that we need animal control. Two officers arrive, with their hands on their weapons.)

Officer #1: “Where is the intruder?”

(I think to myself, “That figures. The moron forgot to tell him it’s a bear.” I show the officer the door. He comes back up looking as if he has seen a ghost.)

Officer #1: “Oh, you meant a bear bear?”

Me: “What kind of bear did you think I meant? A big, hairy, gay guy?!”

(Finally they called animal control, who sedated the bear and returned it to the wild.)

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