Will Have To Create A New Call-Code For This One

, , , , | Legal | September 21, 2018

Once, my mom, a police officer, got a 911 call reporting an ongoing murder.

The cops went with lights and sirens to the scene and asked where the murder was taking place. The caller lead them to the bathroom where they heard shrieks of terror and somebody yelling, “DIE, DIE, DIE!”

They promptly kicked the door down… and were met with the sight of a man slapping a slipper around, trying to kill a spider, and an arachnophobic girl shrieking in terror. No charges were laid.

A Deafening Lack Of Listening

, , , | Legal | September 8, 2018

(A friend who is deaf sees a stranger in a car with a gun. He sends an SMS to an emergency service for deaf people.)

Emergency Service: “Hello, this service is only for deaf people.”

Friend: “Yes, I’m deaf.”

Emergency Service: “You should call the police.”

Friend: “I can’t; I’m deaf. Can you transfer my SMS?”

Emergency Service: “You didn’t call the police?”

Friend: “No, it’s impossible. I’m deaf.”

Emergency Service: “If you’re declining to call the police, we can’t help.”

Wronged By Squatter’s Rights

, , , , , | Legal | August 22, 2018

(I live in a dense and popular neighbourhood where a lot of gentrification has been going on — old houses coming down and flashier new ones going up. I live next to a house which has been gutted in preparation for tearing it down. It is locked, since it is really old and the floors are collapsing, so it is very unsafe to go inside. I have detailed knowledge of the house structure and condition, since one of my cats constantly climbs up on the roof. We have to get a climbing crew in to get him down, since he only has one eye and no depth-perception, so he gets scared to come down. We do this about once a week. One day, I look out of my window and see a man forcing the way in with a crowbar. That door is about three metres from my window, so I see it very clearly. I call the police:)

Me: “I am calling to report someone breaking in into my neighbour’s house.”

Police Officer: “And how do you know he us breaking in and not just going in regularly?”

Me: “Well, you know when you watch someone breaking into a house in a movie? They do not have to caption what is happening for you to know.”

Police Officer: “Well, I would not like to come over and then have that be a good friend of the owner.”

Me: “He is opening the door with a crowbar.”

Police Officer: “Maybe he has the permission of the owner?”

(I do not recall what I said, but I managed to convince them to come out. They did come out, but by that time the wannabe squatter was inside and had closed the door behind him. The police stood around idly for a few minutes and decided all was good. I did not want to come out because I was scared the squatter might be aggressive, so I just seethed from my window. Apparently, somebody else called them again and they came out and so did the owner. They went in and took the squatter outside, and I could hear the discussion. The squatter saying it was open, and the policemen kept saying they had no clue who the real owner was, the squatter or the owner, and “they were not the court to decide that.” Having had enough, I went outside and told them that I saw him open the door with the crowbar and that I knew for certain that the door was locked because otherwise I would go and take my cat down on foot and not call climber crews every week. The police, however, just shrugged and moved on. The owner gave the squatter a look and told him that the house would be coming down in a few days, with or without him in it. After that, I always tell people not to be afraid someone will rob their home, but rather that someone would just come in and not leave.)

Halfway House Only Gets You Halfway There

, , , , , | Healthy | August 19, 2018

(I’m an EMT. My partner and I are called to a homeless shelter/halfway house for a “sick call.” This means a non-life-threatening issue. We arrive and unload the stretcher. There’s about ten stairs and a small elevator right inside the door. I start to open the door of the elevator when I’m greeted by staff.)

Staff: “You’re going to the second floor. Oh, that elevator doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have another one?”

Staff: “Sure, it’s up here around the corner.”

Me: “Great. How can I access it?”

Staff: “Come on up the stairs and go to the end of the hall.”

Me: “That’s not going to work. Do you have another access point? A ramp, maybe?”

Staff: “We have an elevator around the corner here.”

Me: “That’s great, but if this elevator doesn’t work, how am I going to get my stretcher to the second floor?”

Staff: *exasperated* “There’s an elevator right over here! Right around the corner.”

Me: “I understand that. But how would you like me to get my stretcher up these stairs to get to that elevator?”

Staff: *blank stare*

Me: *to my partner* “Let’s just leave it here, see the patient, and figure it out from there.”

(When we got to the other elevator it was so small our stretcher wouldn’t have fit, anyway, even if we folded the back.)

This Police Force Is Very Middle-Of-The-Road

, , , | Legal | August 1, 2018

(I live along a popular highway that has only two lanes and runs through several small towns. It’s a popular route to the beach, and therefore, the traffic is pretty constant despite it being a small road. There is a particularly bad crash right out front of my house one day: a car hits a semi-truck head-on. I run outside and call 911 immediately, as I do not have the time to search for the local police number and, unfortunately, do not know it off of my head. Luckily, both the drivers of the truck and car are alive and conscious. The truck driver is fine, but the driver of the car has me help him out of his vehicle and asks if he can lay down in my yard, as he isn’t feeling well. Fifteen minutes pass with no police or EMTs showing up, and other drivers are beginning to drive through my yard to get around the wreck. Eventually, the man asks if he can use my restroom, and since he’s been waiting so long, I say yes. While I’m waiting for the man to come back out of my bathroom, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am, we spoke on the phone a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a problem with your address.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Can you please repeat it?”

(I repeat my address, which she then asks for two more times as conformation.)

Caller: “Yes, okay, that’s what I have written down… Huh.”

Me: “Is there a problem? Not to be rude, but why is it taking anyone so long to get here?”

Caller: “The police can’t find your house, ma’am.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “The [Town] police cannot find your location. They’ve driven around, but they can’t find your house or any wreck.”

Me: “What?! I can see the police station from my front yard! I’m looking at it right now. Traffic is almost backed the whole way up to it.”

(Sure enough, I’m at the bottom of a hill and the police station is near the top, totally visible from my front yard.)

Caller: *sputters* “That’s [address]?!”

Me: “Yes”

Caller: “[Address]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Caller: “I don’t know what to tell you. [Address].”

Me: “I’m going to hang up and call the local police station now.”

(I hang up, and, as promised, call the local cops.)

Cop: “Hello, this is officer [Cop].”

Me: “Hello, officer. I called in a wreck at [address] and the operator is telling me that you can’t find my house. Twenty-five minutes have passed since the collision. One of the drivers involved in the wreck is currently inside my house recovering.”

Cop: “Oh, yeah! You’re sayin’ it’s on [Street], but I can’t find you. You sure you got yer address right?”

Me: “Officer, the wreck is visible from the police station, as is my house, [address].”

Cop: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s next door to [Funeral Home], the lot where you guys sit and give out tickets every evening.”

Cop: “Oh! Okay, I’ll turn around and be right there.”

(Turned out they had all driven ten minutes in the opposite direction. It took the cops a total of thirty-five minutes to get there, and an ambulance didn’t arrive for an additional fourteen minutes.)

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