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Typical Smarch Events

, , , , , | Right | October 6, 2021

I’m at work at a ski and snowboard park on a busy Friday. We have a ladies’ clinic going on as well as the usual rush of people. Due to some poor planning from the event coordinator as well as my boss, we are slammed. I’m the only cashier and I have a line out the door.

At one point during this madness, my boss is up front helping to run out orders when a customer comes up to ask a question.

Customer: “So, when is the men’s clinic?

My boss just gives him a blank stare.

If this guy was genuinely asking I would have been nice, but he is trying to be a d**k on purpose.

Me: “It’s on February thirtieth!

Customer: “When?

Me: “February thirtieth! That’s when we have our men’s clinic this year!

Customer: “Oh! Okay, thanks!” *Strolls off, happily.*

Now With Smarch And Gebruary!

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Saying What You Mean: THAT’S The Ticket!

, , , | Right | September 1, 2021

I work in a small kiosk selling travel cards for the local transport in my state. You can use either a travel card or paper tickets; however, we do not sell paper tickets as we do not have the system to print them. We direct people to the machine if they wish to purchase a paper ticket.

Customer #1: “I want a ticket to the hospital.”

Me: “You can get paper tickets from the fare machine on the platform.”

He does so. [Customer #2] comes up two minutes later.

Customer #2: “Hi, do you sell travel cards here?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer #2: “Well, that man wanted one.”

Me: “He didn’t ask for one, though.”

Customer #2: “But he wanted one and you just sent him away.”

Me: “But he asked for a ticket; when people say ticket, we think ticket, not card. There’s a difference.”

Customer #2: “And he wanted a card.”

Me: “And he didn’t ask for one.”

Customer #2: “Well, you should know that he wanted one.”

Annoyingly, [Customer #1] and [Customer #2] weren’t even travelling together. They just happened to meet just before coming to me.

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There’s A Tahini-Weeny Problem With That

, , , , , , | Right | June 8, 2021

Our summer frozen dessert stand has a tropical theme. There is a signpost with arrows and distances pointing to various distant beaches and other vacation destinations. One says, “Tahiti — 6,089 miles.”

Teenager #1: “Tahiti. What’s that?”

Teenager #2: “I think it’s some kind of sauce made from sesame seeds.”

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He’s Smoking From The Ears

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2021

On Sundays, I work at the cigarette kiosk in my store, and due to panic buying, we have barely any stock. During the day I’ve been cussed out several times by angry customers, but this is by far the worst!

Customer #1: “Twenty [Brand] cigarettes, please.”

Me: “Sorry, we’re out of stock of those, I’m afraid.”

Customer #1: “Fine, twenty [Other Brand].”

Me: “Sorry again, but we don’t have those, either. We currently don’t have much of anything, because everyone seems to be stocking up because of the vi—”

The customer just suddenly snaps and slams his hand on the desk.

Customer #1: “Just give me my f****** fags, c**t! I know you b*****ds are keeping them aside for yourselves!”

I instantly lose my apologetic demeanour.

Me: “You know what, mate, just go away. I’m not serving you; of what little we have you get nothing. I was gonna offer you [Third Brand] because it’s similar to your second option, but not now. Goodbye!”

The customer lifts his hand off the desk, scrunches it into a fist, waves it slowly at me, and storms off without another word. I turn to the next customer, who has said nothing throughout.

Me: “Hey there, how can I help you?”

Customer #2: “Jeezo… I’ll just take that third one you mentioned.”

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Cash In Hand Is Worth None In The Bush

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2021

I do face-to-face work for a ticketing company for public transport. I deal with all sorts of angry, rude, and confused customers on a daily basis for ten hours a day. As there is only one person on for ten hours in a small kiosk, we don’t accept cash nor keep it on-site for safety and security reasons. We have about four signs on the window acknowledging that we don’t accept cash but people still try.

Me: “Hi! How can I help?”

Customer: “I want a [Company] top-up card, please.”

Me: “Sure. There is a deposit of $10; how much credit would you like?”

Customer: “$10.”

Me: “Okay, that will be $20 all together.”

I get the EFTPOS machine ready and place it on the desk in front of him. He places a $20 on the counter.

Me: “Sorry, we don’t accept cash here.”

Customer: *Annoyed* “Wow. Okay.”

He starts going through his wallet to find his card, taking his time. The machine times out so I reenter the total and place it on the counter.

Customer: “It’s strange that a government agency doesn’t accept legal tender. Money is legal tender.”

Me: “We just don’t keep cash on site for safety and security.”

Customer: “Yes, but a government agency should accept legal tender. I’m a bush lawyer so I know what I’m talking about.”

Me: “We just can’t accept cash for safety and—”

Customer: *Condescendingly* “Yes, I know but I’m a bush lawyer and you should be taking my cash because it’s legal tender! Government agencies must accept legal tender!”

Once he was finished going on about being a “bush lawyer,” he reluctantly did the transaction by card. When he left, I looked up the definition of a bush lawyer.

A bush lawyer is a person claiming legal or other knowledge who is unqualified to do so.

I couldn’t contain my laughter!

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