A Hurricane Of Stupidity

, , , , | Right | April 19, 2019

(A famous US retailer closed a number of its stores earlier this year, including the last one in our city. I take a temporary job there working the final clearance sales. This takes place during our final week, a few days after Hurricane Harvey hits Houston. Our city is hours north, in the next state, so the weather doesn’t affect us. A customer has two common questions.)

Me: “Hi. How may I help you?”

Customer: “When is [Store]’s last day?”

Me: “It’s [date], this coming Sunday.”

Customer: “Okay. What are you doing with the stuff that doesn’t sell?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I haven’t been told yet. I can get a manager if you like.”

(I don’t expect to be told since I am not involved in that aspect of the closure.)

Customer: “Oh… you know what should be done with it? Send it all down to Houston. The victims need the help; they can use all this.”

Me: *resists the urge to roll eyes and forces self to use a polite tone* “Yes, ma’am. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(What was she thinking? The whole store is almost empty and 90% of what we have left isn’t merchandise; it’s movable racks and a couple of display tables, mostly empty. I moved from Florida, where serious hurricanes are a fact of life, and have been through them. Believe me, store fixtures aren’t what those poor people need.)

I Am An Officer Of The Thaw

, , , , | Friendly | April 8, 2019

(A few days ago, my friend’s car died in the snow. Luckily, they were on a country road really close to a small neighborhood, because they didn’t have a cell phone with them. Hearing this from them made me a little paranoid about getting stranded myself. I am driving between my town and one about forty minutes away on a deserted stretch of highway. Snow is lightly falling and there is no one around, so when I see a car sitting off to the side, I am immediately worried that they are stranded. I pull carefully off to the side behind them, grabbing my phone, and hop out. As I get closer, I realize that their engine is running, even though the lights are off, so I think maybe they’ve gotten stuck. I hike up to the window and bend down and knock. After a second, the window rolls down to reveal two uniformed patrol officers staring back at me. The snow piled up on their car meant I didn’t recognize it as a police car.)

Officer #1: “Can we help you, ma’am?”

Me: “Oh! Sorry, I was worried that you were stranded and might need a lift or help to call someone.”

(The other officer bends over and starts giggling, while [Officer #1] struggles to keep a straight face.)

Officer #1: “No, ma’am. We’re fine.”

Me: “Okay. Well, keep warm.”

(He just nodded as he rolled up the window, and I hiked back to my car. My husband giggled about as hard as that officer when I told him the story after getting home.)

Good Lord, What Weather!

, , , , | Friendly | April 3, 2019

(We live in the heart of the Bible belt. My son and I are heading down the highway on a miserable day. The mix of ice and rain has been falling for hours. He had come to pick me up so that I didn’t have to drive. Traffic is understandably slow. As we creep along, we see the slowdown is caused by a car askew on the shoulder. My son pulls over, and we get out and approach the car.)

Son: “Is everyone okay?”

Driver: “Yes. It’s just me. The car skidded and now I’m stuck. One back tire is off the pavement and the other isn’t getting traction.”

(My son goes back to his car and pulls out a bag and a tarp. He pours kitty litter around the wheel on the pavement and stuffs the tarp under the wheel in the mud.)

Son: “Start it up and try moving very slowly.”

(The driver does this while my son and I push, and the car crawls back up on the pavement. My son collects the tarp, shakes off some of the mud, and puts it and the bag back in his trunk.)

Son: “Okay. Good luck with your journey. Be careful.”

Driver: “Oh, thank you! This is proof of God. I prayed for help and you were an answer to my prayers.”

Son: “That’s great. God sent you a couple of atheists because even he knew all the good Christians would leave you on the side of the road.”

(With that, we drove off, getting safely into town.)

Will Help Y’Allah Out

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 23, 2019

(It has snowed several inches and the apartment parking lot is not plowed. I have gone out to help my wife free her car. Then, I see several of my neighbors, who are Muslim, trying to push and rev their car out of the lot. Another woman comes out to help, as well, and gets behind the wheel.)

Woman: “Okay, guys! Almost out! Hope to… whatever god you have… that this works!”

Snow Wonder They Crashed!

, , , , , | Friendly | February 27, 2019

A few years ago, in December, my wife and I were driving south on an interstate highway in Wyoming. It was early evening, full dark, with a snowstorm and strong winds blowing snow across the road making for near whiteout conditions. Driving was extremely hazardous and we were in the right lane travelling at 25 mph or less.

Suddenly, in my driver’s side mirror, I saw headlights rapidly approaching in the passing lane. A moment later, we were passed by an 18-wheeler. I estimated he was going at least 65 mph, probably faster. My spoken thought was, “That stupid f***er is going to crash!”

Less than ten minutes later, the prediction came true. On this portion of the highway the median was very wide and depressed below the N-S driving lanes, and there on its side was the truck. The skid marks in the snow were fresh enough that it had to be the same driver. I have to admit that the Schadenfreude I felt at the instant karma was extremely satisfying as we passed.

Before the commentariat get in an uproar over my failure to stop, read on:

1. One car had already stopped to render aid.

2. Under the driving conditions, stopped cars were very dangerous and I didn’t want to add to the risk.

3. From the tracks, it was clear that the truck hadn’t rolled, just toppled and slid, and there was no fire. Assuming the driver had been wearing his safety harness correctly, he was unlikely to be seriously hurt.

4. Even if #3 was incorrect, the human race just became marginally more intelligent.

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