His Common Sense Blew Away Ages Ago

, , , | Right | March 30, 2020

Me: “Good morning, you are speaking with [Housing Company], [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Client: “Yes, I am calling you because the window in my roof is missing.”

Me: *pause* “Missing?”

Client: “Yes, last night I went to bed and the window was still there, but now it’s gone.”

Me: “All right, a missing window… Did you see it on the roof or ground?”

Client: “No, it’s gone. Now what do I do?”

Me: “Well, since you now have a big hole in your roof, I’ll send a mechanic to close the hole and then we’ll have to order a new window.”

Client: “Could it have blown away? I mean, it was kind of windy last night.”

Me: “Sir, there was a storm last night. Was your window open?”

Client: “Yes, I thought it was a great way to get some fresh air in the house.”

Me: “Right… I think I know what happened to your window, sir.”

Client: “Really?”

(He received a bill for this stupidity.)

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I’ll Take One Scoop Of Vanilla, And One Scoop Of Changing The Laws Of Thermodynamics

, , , | Right | March 19, 2020

(It is particularly hot today, both inside and outside of the store, so all our ice cream is very soft. My coworker tries to hand a lady her ice cream cone.)

Coworker: “Here you are, ma’am!”

Customer: “Uh, I didn’t order a baby cone. I wanted a big one.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, we only sell one size of ice cream cone.”

Customer: “This one is flat! They are usually this tall!” *motions a very exaggerated size of ice cream*

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can make you a new one but it will look exactly like that one. Due to the heat, the ice cream is not standing up very well.”

Customer: “Well, I want a new one!”

(My coworker turns to make another cone but the customer stops her.)

Customer: “No! Not you! Make her do it!” *she points to me*

Me: “Okay.”

(I make our standard three-twist cone and it instantly collapses in on itself.)

Me: “See, ma’am? The ice cream is soft. This is the same cone we have been selling for years. Today it’s just a little flatter and wider than normal because of the heat.”

(The customer was not happy but she took her ice cream and left. She called later to complain about it but hung up on my manager when he couldn’t come up with a way to make ice cream not melt.)

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Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head…

, , , , , | Working | March 18, 2020

About ten years ago I worked in a nursing home located in a very old building, in desperate need of a new building. The build finally started and problems to the old building were patched up, not fixed.

I was working a night shift with a coworker when, around 2:00 am, a long-awaited thunderstorm arrived. We made a bet where we would have to mop up water, as the roof was leaking. Up until that night, it wasn’t too bad, just a bit of a nuisance. That night, it changed.

We made our way to the top floor where we didn’t find any water. So, we went down to the main hall, which was a more recent addition to the building. We found a giant puddle near the bar area and started mopping it up. The rain intensified and it was pouring down quite badly. From the window, we couldn’t see a thing other than rain.

At around 2:20 am, I got a call from a resident up on the top floor. At first, I heard nothing but water gushing. Then I heard this:

“Please… I’m drowning!”

I could hear the anxiety in her voice, so my coworker and I rushed up to the top floor and into her apartment. We found the resident in bed, scooted as far as she could to the left. Keep in mind that this resident couldn’t move without help, so this must have been a massive feat for her.

Water was literally pouring down into her bed. Everything was soaked, including our resident. My coworker and I moved the bed away from the water as quickly as we could. Half the ceiling had collapsed onto the bed, miraculously missing her head. The other half was hanging by a thread. My coworker ran to turn off the electricity as water was gushing out of the sockets and from the lamps. In the living room, the ceiling hadn’t yet collapsed, but the weight of the water was very visible. We managed to get our resident out of her room before the whole ceiling collapsed. My coworker made a bed for her in another room, which would be occupied the next morning, and I moved the resident to a shower room to get a nice hot shower.

The resident said to me, “Well… I bet you didn’t expect that when I called.”

“No, not really,” I replied. “I thought you were joking about drowning.”

“I wasn’t.”

“No, I know now. But I’m glad you didn’t drown in your bed.”

Then, the resident laughed and said, “That would’ve made a nice headline. Woman drowns in bed.”

“I wouldn’t have had a clue how to tell that to your children,” I told her, also laughing.

We got her into bed and checked all five other rooms on the top floor. No water was found in any of the other rooms, although we didn’t turn on the electricity on the top floor that night. We did call the fire department to check the roof and we called our boss, who wasn’t pleased we called her at 3:00 or 4:00 am, though she was glad the resident was okay. The fire department found a large hole in the roof, just above the resident’s room. It took two weeks before the resident could return to her room.

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They Think They’re A Discounted Lamp Of Sunshine!

, , , | Right | March 16, 2020

(It’s a horribly cold Wednesday in Minnesota, and schools have been closed for three days. Many businesses have closed early or just in general, but not ours. I’m on the floor ordering my department when a customer asks a question.)

Customer: “Are lamps on sale this week?”

Me: “Usually we sign the entire aisle if they are, so I don’t believe so, sorry.”

Customer: “Will they be on sale next week?”

Me: “They’re usually on a cycle, so probably. Although, you could also use your coupon on one.”

Customer: “What if I want two lamps?”

Me: “Well, the coupon is one per person per day, so you could get one today and one tomorrow?”

Customer: “Or I could get my husband to come in from the car and buy one.”

Me: “That would work, too.”

(She makes another comment about lamps and I say something else about getting new ones in recently, etc. A few minutes later…)

Customer: “Great day to come in here! No lines!”

Me: *awkward chuckle*

(Yeah, you’re probably the only customer in the building, lady. It’s like -30 out, and if I didn’t have to be at work I’d be home under a blanket watching TV, not out shopping for things I don’t need!)

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The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Is On Fire

, , , , , , | Right | March 12, 2020

(My dad owns a construction company. This week we have had a heatwave with temperatures feeling like 40 degrees with humidity. Yesterday, we also had severe thunderstorms with a chance of a tornado. My dad gets this call:)

Customer: *freaking out* “Where are the roofers?! They were supposed to be here today!”

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