Cold Cold Murder

, , , , | Right | September 18, 2019

(I work at a boat rental. It’s spring. The lake is around 60 degrees, and it’s around 70 degrees.)

Me: “And do you need a swim ladder?”

(Pause.)

Me: “You know, probably not.”

Guy: “Nah, if we throw somebody off, we want to make sure they can’t get back on.”

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Same Cast, Different Script

, , , , , , | Learning | September 15, 2019

(A few weeks before starting my third year of college, I have a major ankle surgery and I am naturally in a cast and on crutches when the school year begins. The dorm building I am living in has a schedule of fire drills for the year posted in the main entryway, so all residents know when the fire drills will happen. The day of the first fire drill arrives and it is pouring rain. In the morning, I talk to one of the Resident Advisors [RA #1] and show him the impossible-to-miss cast on my leg. He emails the university housing department for guidance, and the housing department replies that as long as I can get to the main entrance, I will be granted an exception from having to go outside. When the fire alarm goes off, I get to the main entrance, where [RA #2] is shouting at the top of his lungs.)

RA #2: “Come on, hurry up! Get outside, people!”

Me: *hobbling down the hallway on my crutches* “Hey, [RA #2], I’m here.”

RA #2: “Get outside! We can’t count this drill as a pass if you don’t get outside!”

Me: “I should have an exception from the housing department saying I only needed to get to the main entrance for today. You should have gotten an email about it, or you can ask [RA #1].”

RA #2: “I don’t care what the email said, and I don’t care what [RA #1] says! You need to get outside! What would you do if we had an actual fire right now?”

Me: “For a real fire, I would obviously be outside, but we all know this is a drill. I’m not going outside and ruining my cast for a drill. Talk to the housing department if you have a problem with it.”

RA #2: “We can’t pass the fire drill if you don’t get outside!”

Me: “All right, then do you mind if I go back up to my dorm to grab a garbage bag? If I’m going to go outside, I need something waterproof to wrap around my cast.”

RA #2: *now screaming in my face* “We can’t go back into the building! JUST GET OUTSIDE!”

Me: *shoving him back with my crutch* “Okay, here’s the deal. I’ll go outside, but I’m informing you now that I’ll be charging you the cost of my cast replacement since you’re refusing to follow a written instruction from the housing department granting me an exception from going outside today. You’ll hear from my family’s attorney after I get the bill for the cast replacement.”

RA #2: *somehow only now noticing my cast for the first time* “Oh. You’re in a cast? Then… I guess… you can stay inside this time, since it’s only a drill.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I still sent in an official complaint to the housing department about [RA #2]. He received a pretty heavy talking-to for the incident, and he completely avoided me for the rest of the year.)

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Pizza Versus Tornado, A True Dilemma

, , , | Right | September 10, 2019

(I work in a hotel in a part of the country known for severe storms in the spring. EVERY YEAR we have guests who run the gamut of obliviousness pertaining to this fact. For example:)

Guest: *catching me as I peer out the front doors at the current maelstrom* “Hello! Where can we go for pizza at this hour?”

Me: “Er, ma’am, I wouldn’t recommend driving right now.”

Guest: “Oh, no, we were going to get a taxi! Can you recommend a good service?”

Me: “Ma’am, we are currently under a tornado warning. At any moment we might need to take cover. I could give you the number to a taxi service, but no one is going to show up right now.”

(Or this conversation that happens several times, without fail, every time we lose power…)

Guest: “Excuse me! The lights are out in my room!”

Me: “Yes, sir, the lights are out in every room. The lobby is running on a generator so we can still help guests.”

Guest: “Well, why would the power go out?!”

(I glance outside, where it is raining heavily, with gale-force winds and lightning every few seconds.)

Me: “I would assume the storm, sir.”

Guest: “This is unacceptable! I want to speak to a manager!”

(Thankfully, our managers don’t generally cave to demands of compensation over storms. We’re not compensating you because you visited Tornado Alley in tornado season and — gasp — THERE WAS A TORNADO.)

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Helen Keller Trying To Get To School  

, , , , , , | Right | September 2, 2019

This happened some thirty years ago. I was working for a TV station. In winter, when bad weather caused school closings, they would show the closings at the bottom of the screen. In bad weather, this could take 30 minutes or more to cycle through. We would invariably get people who did not want to watch and would call in to get the information. We had to refuse, as there were just too many people out there and the stations wanted people to watch. One call stuck out.

When told they would have to watch, they told me they were blind, so I had to tell them. I happily explained that we were also announcing the closings on our sister radio stations. They said that would not work as they were deaf also; remember, this is over the phone. 

I gave them the information in sign language.

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I’ll Just Transfer Your Complaint To Mother Nature

, , , , , | Right | August 25, 2019

(I work in the credit card department of a call centre for a major bank.)

Customer: “I ordered a replacement credit card last week and it was due to arrive on Monday. It’s now Wednesday and I still haven’t received it. This is ridiculous.”

Me: “I do apologise, sir. As I’m sure you are aware, there was a major storm on Monday and the whole country was on strict orders not to travel. As such, no post could be delivered, which is why your card is delayed.”

Customer: “Exactly, and because of the storm damage, the postal workers aren’t delivering post today or yesterday, either.”

Me: “Yes, so you should expect to receive your card tomorrow.”

Customer: “But why didn’t it arrive when you said it would?”

Me: “Because of the storm, sir. As you said, there has been no post delivered for the last three days.”

Customer: “That’s unacceptable. You should have known the storm was coming and sent the card earlier.”

Me: “We can only send a new card when you request one. I can see you requested a card last Thursday and, had it not been for the storm, that would have arrived on Monday. Unfortunately, we can’t predict the weather.”

Customer: “That’s not my f****** problem! Typical incompetent banks! You should have known the storm was coming and done something about it.”

Me: *exasperated* “I can log a complaint for you sir, but we certainly can’t control the weather. We also can’t predict that you will want a card and send it before you request it.”

Customer: “F****** idiot!” *hangs up*

(Needless to say, when I logged his complaint, it was dripping in sarcasm.)

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