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It Really IS More Fun In The Philippines!

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2020

I am a part of the central reservations team of a big hospitality company. I get a caller from one of our consolidated hotels.

Me: “Hi! Thank you for calling Reservations, [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Guest: “Do you have a Lost & Found department?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am!”

Guest: “I just wanna let you know that I lost my virginity in room 203.” *Click*

His Opinion Carries No Weights, Part 2

, , , , | Working | November 5, 2020

I am doing an internship for a few months. I am living in quite a poor area and going to a very local gym. During my first days at the gym, I ask the coach there what the barbell weight is, as it doesn’t look like a standard fifteen or twenty kg.

Me: “Hey, how heavy is this barbell?”

Coach: “Oh, we don’t know; we don’t have a scale.”

I’m a bit confused because there is one just at the entrance.

Me: “What about that one there? It doesn’t work?”

Coach: “Oh, yes, it does, but not for that.”

Me: *Confused* “Why?”

Coach: “Because it’s only for humans.”

Me: “But…”

This was Manila; I didn’t speak English fluently, and neither did the coach, so I didn’t argue anymore, but he seemed rather confused when I weighed myself and then myself AND the barbell.

His Opinion Carries No Weights

The World Isn’t Bready For This Customer

, , , | Right | June 15, 2020

Customer: “I want to return this bread. It’s supposed to be fresh, but the expiration date listed was a week ago! It’s starting to grow mold!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Let me take a look.”

I see that the printed date did, in fact, pass over a week earlier, and that the bread does seem to have some mold growing.

Me: “Hmm, that shouldn’t happen. If you could show me your receipt, I’ll process a refund.”

The customer hands me a receipt that does have the bread — brand and all — on it, but I notice the receipt is over two months old.

Me: “Ma’am, this is over two months old.”

Customer: “But the bread is expired!”

Me: “Ma’am, this kind of bread is good for about a month. If you had eaten it as soon as you bought it, it wouldn’t have made it to the expiration date.”

Customer: “But I wanted to eat it yesterday, and it was moldy! It should wait for me to want to eat it!”

Me: “Unfortunately, leaving bread out in the open doesn’t do much for its preservation. Next time, you could try putting it in the freezer.”

Customer: “No! You should make it so the bread stays fresh forever!”

Me: “Ma’am, that isn’t biologically possible.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because I’m not God.”

Several minutes later, a manager came over to see what the fuss was about. Naturally, he refused the refund.

This story is included in our Philippines roundup – part of the Not Always Right World Tour!

Read the next Philippines story!

Read the Philippines roundup!

There’s A Reason She Didn’t Give Him Her Number

, , , , | Right | March 18, 2020

(I work in a phonebook order center. Every day, I get calls that mistake us for a customer help hotline for a phone company like AT&T or Verizon. We make it clear to them that we just provide phonebooks and that we can’t help them with their phone bill or anything related with phones and phone numbers. We always advise them to call 411 for that. We get yelled at and cursed at for denying them any service and we’re used to that.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Company]. Are you calling in to order a phonebook?”

Caller: *completely ignores the question* “I need help with something more important.”

Me: “Yes, sir. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I need my girlfriend’s number.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re an order center for phone directories. We don’t store any phone numbers here. And if we do, we can’t give them out. That’s against our policy.”

Caller: *gets angry* “Why not? I have the right to know! Can you at least search her name in your system? Her name is—”

Me: “I apologize, sir, but we can’t help you with that. Again, we’re an order center for phonebooks. Are you calling in to order one for your state?”

Caller: *gets angrier* “Are you stupid? I don’t care about phonebooks! I need you to provide me with her number!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t entertain profanity here. Again, I apologize but I can’t —”

Caller: “I will get you fired!”

Me: “Go ahead, sir. I’ll be glad if you’re able to do that. Please call 411 for your concern. Have a great day, bye!”

(This job made me dead inside.)

Bad Customers Are A Sign Of The End Times

, , , , , , | Right | July 8, 2019

(I work in a relatively pricey restaurant popular with foreigners and expats. We are a street-level venue in a very tall building with a five-star hotel occupying the top floors. I am serving a regular woman who is well-known among the staff for being demanding.)

Customer: “Yes, I will have my usual lunch plate, with—“

(Suddenly, the whole room starts shaking. Manila is being rocked by what I will later discover is a 7.1 earthquake. Earthquakes aren’t entirely uncommon in The Philippines, but this is the strongest Manila has had in a long while. The lights are shaking, some people are screaming, and some plates and cutlery fall to the ground, some smashing. Astonishingly, while I am holding on to the table to stop from falling over, this customer is continuing her order as if nothing is happening.)

Customer: “—with orange juice, and an extra side of ham.”

(She notices my blank look.)

Customer: “Well? Aren’t you going to get my order?”

Me: “Ma’am, we are experiencing a severe earthquake! In these circumstances, we will have to evacuate the building.”

(The customer looks around with disinterest and only then seems to notice the ensuing chaos. She sniffs.)

Customer: “Hmm, yes. Anyway, my lunch?”

Me: *noticing that an evacuation of the restaurant has started in earnest* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we will all have to evacuate the building.”

Customer: “Why?!”

Me: “Because of the earthquake!”

Customer: “Oh, it’ll stop in a minute! Stop fussing.” *shows off her crucifix necklace* “Earthquakes are the last sign of the apocalypse, not the first. Let me know when there’s a great flood, and then you can skip my lunch!”

(At that exact moment, with God-given perfect timing — pun intended — the earthquake has shaken the rooftop infinity pool on the luxury hotel so much that a dramatic amount of the water had cascaded over the side of the building. With what can only be described as a cacophonous splash, we both look outside to see Noah’s Flood in miniature playing out on the street outside while bystanders run away in a panic. I stare pointedly at the woman.)

Customer: “Fine. I’ll take it to go.”

This story is included in our Philippines roundup – part of the Not Always Right World Tour!

Read the next Philippines story!

Read the Philippines roundup!