Even Some Dogs Wear Shoes…

, , , , | Right | July 24, 2019

(I work at an animal shelter. There’s a dad with several children visiting with a dog. The dad is holding a toddler, who isn’t wearing shoes. I’m not super concerned since the child is so young and may not be walking around, but one of the other children — six or seven — is running around the room also not wearing shoes. I poke my head in the room.)

Me: “Hi! Does he have shoes in the car that he can put on?”

Dad: *looks at me like I’m crazy and answers very rudely* “NO!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t have him walking around without shoes.”

Dad: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s unsanitary, both for you and the dogs.”

Dad: “Aren’t there bigger problems in American than a kid not wearing shoes?”

Me: “Not right here, right now.”

(I got a coworker in another department. She told me she spoke to him and eventually got them to leave, but he ended up ranting about the government for a while first.)

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The Less Spayed About That The Better

, , , , | Right | May 24, 2019

(I’m working at a small, nonprofit, no-kill animal shelter. All animals are spayed or neutered before being adopted. Most of our dogs are mixed breeds of some kind.)

Customer: “Do you have any male [rare, specific breed of dog]?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. I don’t think that’s a breed we see here very often, if at all. Maybe [something similar]?”

Customer: “No, it has to be [specific breed]. I’m looking for a male to match with my female so they can have puppies.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Even if we did have one, all of our animals are spayed or neutered before being adopted, so you wouldn’t be able to breed them.”

Customer: “But what if I wanted him to keep his penis?”

(I debated explaining how neutering works — that the penis is not actually removed — but ultimately decided that it wouldn’t be a productive conversation and let it go.)

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Must Have Been Dreaming Of Puppies During Math

, , , | Right | May 23, 2019

(I’m working at an animal shelter. The really young puppies — typically two to three months — are kept separate from the adult dogs. A woman comes out of the puppy area, approaches me, and tells me she has a puppy on hold to adopt.)

Customer: “Do you have any younger puppies?”

Me: *knows that the litter of puppies back there is two months old* “No. Two months is the youngest that we typically adopt out.”

Customer: “But it’s not like a baby baby puppy.”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “I mean, not like a nine-week-old puppy.”

Me: “Actually, nine weeks is a little older than two months.”

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This IS The Cat You Are Looking For!

, , , , | Hopeless | April 22, 2019

(My friend loves cats; her husband does not. After much discussion they agree to adopt one, but they must both agree on the cat. At the shelter they are introduced to many cats, but my friend’s husband isn’t too keen on any of them. Then, my friend notices one last cage tucked away in the corner, which turns out to belong to a timid little grey female. The shelter employee opens up the cage so they can interact with her, but as my friend’s husband reaches in to pet her the tiny, wide-eyed girl lets out a fearful hiss. My friend fears this is that is the end of that, but instead he turns to her with a wide grin.)

Husband: “I like this one; she sounds like Darth Vader!”

(They took her home that day. Three years later, she is still the undisputed queen of their house and the perfect cat for them.)

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She Is Not A National Treasure

, , , , , , | Right | April 15, 2019

(It is the Fourth of July weekend, and the SPCA in our town is running an adoption special. All adult dogs are $17.76 to adopt in honor of the holiday. I volunteer at this shelter, and my boyfriend and I have come to visit the dogs frequently. We’ve finally found one we love and fits with us, and we’re signing the adoption papers. This conversation happens with another member of the public at the front desk.)

Shelter Staff: “There you go, [My Name]! I’m so happy you guys finally found a dog you love, and for a great price!”

Me: “Yeah, Brandy is a great dog, and we can use the money we’re saving on her adoption fee to buy more stuff to spoil her with!”

Teenager: *standing in the lobby looking at the cats hanging out in a cage there* “How much are dogs this weekend?”

Shelter Staff: “They’re only $17.76 to adopt adult dogs! Did you want to look at one?”

Teenager: “I don’t get it. Why is it $17.76; is there tax or something?”

Me: “No… It’s Independence Day. $17.76 like the year? 1776? Declaration of Independence?”

Teenager: “Oh! Like that Nicolas Cage movie!”

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