(I am selling a replica phone box from the popular show ‘Doctor Who’ on an online auction site. In the show the phone box is actually a time machine/spaceship. I put my number on there so people can call me.)

Caller: “Hi, I was wondering about the replica phone box you are selling. Can it actually fly to other planets and go through time?”

Me: “Afraid not. It’s a replica… It’s fake.”

Caller: “Well, is it as big inside as in the show?”

Me: “No, that’s impossible to do. It’s a TV show so it’s not real.”

Caller: “What? You’re selling a replica? So, it can’t fly to other planets and through time?”

Me: “No one can make it like it is on the show. It’s impossible.”

Caller: “Excuses, excuses! You lying b****! I’m going to report you and sue!” *click*

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Customer: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself! There are kinky things in the family section!”

Me: “I’m sorry, maybe something got incorrectly shelved. If you could just show me?”

Customer: “Here! Look!”

(He grabs a DVD and waves it under my face. It’s an old episode of ‘Doctor Who’ which features the main character blindfolded on the cover.)

Me: “Sir, that is an old children’s show. There’s nothing adult, kinky or otherwise, going on there.”

Customer: “Don’t be ridiculous! I know filth when I see it!”

Me: “I promise you, this is a popular family show in Britain.”

Customer: “Well, no wonder they’re all perverts over there! I demand you remove this from your shelves! You shouldn’t sell these things if you haven’t even seen them!”

Me: “Actually, I have seen it, and I wholeheartedly approve.”

Customer: “Pervert!”

(Someone has been sleeping on a chair poolside for many hours. It’s routine to wake a customer if they’re getting too badly burned.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss? You must wake up. You are getting badly sunburned.”

Customer: *sleepily* “Where am I? Is this Hogwarts?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Narnia?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “Camp Half-Blood?”

Me: “Not even close.”

Customer: *pauses* “Well, s***, then.”

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Customer: “Why is Star Trek on the wall?”

Me: “It’s a new release, sir. Interested in renting it?”

Customer: “Son, Star Trek is a tool of the Devil. I demand that you remove it from your shelves!”

Me: “I can’t do that.”

Customer: “God forgive you for corrupting the youth of America!”

(I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using ‘the Force’* “Whoosh!”

(The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”