Me: “Thank you for calling [Store], how may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to place an order for some devilled eggs for Easter Sunday.”

Me: “…I’m sorry, did you say you want to place an order for Easter?”

Customer: “Yes? Aren’t you taking holiday orders right now?”

Me: “Yes. Yes, we are. For Thanksgiving and Christmas, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, why not for Easter too?!”

Me: “Because it is November, ma’am…”

A while back, I had sprained a tendon in my wrist badly enough that I had to wear a molded cast on it for several weeks. Working with it was a chore and a half, not because of what I do at my job, but the customers I had to deal with during it.

For whatever reason, nobody seemed to believe me when I told them it was a sprained tendon. One guy actually got so mad that he complained to my manager that I was lying to customers about my injury. Not that I had one, but how I had GOTTEN it.

So, I decided to try and curb this the only way I thought would work.

Me: “This? Oh, a wolf bit me. Nearly took a chunk out of me, but I got one of his teeth here, see?”

Me: “When Fido wants the stick, you GIVE the stick.”

Me: “Ever seen The Hangover? Bit like that but a lot more I.O.U.s…”

Me: “What happened to my arm? Got into an altercation with a guy who didn’t like my gal-pal saying no. Small price to pay, really.”

Me: “My brother said to break a leg before the start of the play. Broke my arm instead.”

Me: “Yeah, it does suck. Had to cancel the play and everything. Would have made a great Captain Hook too if ole Peter Pan wasn’t a little TOO exuberant during practice for the sword-fighting scene…”

Sadly, not a one thought I was exaggerating or telling tales. Yes, even the one involving my playing “Captain Hook” at a local theater that wasn’t even advertising for it then, now, or ever really.

The customer complimented me on my good pirate accent and wished me well for the next play.

A coworker is trying very hard to get a customer to understand we no longer sell an item she’s looking for, because it’s no longer made. The customer doesn’t seem to grasp this. The customer is not elderly, is of sound mind, and is a semi-difficult regular.

Customer: “But I buy it here all the time.”

Coworker: “Yes, in the past. I’m sorry, but the company no longer exists, and we are out of [item]. There is nothing we can do, but I can give you a website that might sell them, so you can order some from there.”

Customer: “I’ll try next time. Maybe someone else can help me.”

The customer leaves. A week later, she comes back, though I don’t witness this encounter personally.

Customer: “I’m looking for [item]. Can you get me one from the back?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We no longer carry [item].”

Customer: “No, no, I buy it from here all the time. I need it.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, [item] is no longer being made. You cannot buy it here anymore. Here is a website that might-”

Customer: “Nonsense. Get me someone who knows what they’re talking about. You were difficult last time, too.”

The manager had to come over and tell the customer, again, that we don’t carry the item, as it’s no longer being made. The company no longer exists; the item is gone. The customer leaves… and comes back the next day.

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m looking for [item].”

Me: “As you were told before, that item is no longer being made. Go to this website to purchase it, but you cannot find it here anymore.”

Customer: *Sighs.* “You don’t know either. I’ll just come back later.”

Me: “Ma’am, it will NEVER be back in stock, ever. It’s not even being made anymore.”

Customer: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I always buy it here!”

She leaves and proceeds to come back every other day, asking for the no-longer-made item. Finally, the day comes when my coworker, currently standing in for the manager on his lunch, snaps.

Customer: “I need [item]. Go to the back and get me one.”

Me: *Exasperated.* “Ma’am. As we have told you before, just yesterday, we don’t—”

Coworker: *Very loudly.* “HELLO! HOW ARE YOU TODAY? ARE YOU WELL? IS YOUR CARETAKER HERE TODAY?”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Coworker: *As you would to a small child.* “Lots of soft fabrics! And bright colors! Would you like a sticker while we wait for your caretaker?”

Customer: “I don’t appreciate being spoken to in such a manner. Just get me [item], with no difficulty this time.”

Coworker: *Still slowly and loudly.* “Aww, what big feelings! I’m so sorry about those big feelings! [Item] is no longer being made. I know that’s soooo SAD. It gives me big feelings too!”

[Coworker] fakes rubs his eyes, making a big show of sniffling.

Coworker: “It’s SO SAD when things GO AWAY FOREVER, I know. But the company that made [item] DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE. Do you know what that means?”

Expectant pause.

Customer: “I don’t think—”

Coworker: *Joyfully.* “That’s RIGHT! That means that [item] ISN’T SOLD HERE ANYMORE! What a big girl you are for figuring that out! I’m so proud of you! Here, let’s wait for your caretaker up front.”

Customer: “I don’t have a caretaker, and I don’t appreciate your tone with me, young man!”

Coworker: *In normal voice.* “Oh, well, we’ve all told you MULTIPLE TIMES in this week alone, in very simple language, that [item] ISN’T. BEING. MADE. ANYMORE, I figured maybe you couldn’t comprehend that, and had maybe brought someone to help you. So, you’re just being deliberately ignorant, then? Good to know. We can’t help you. Here is the website where you CAN buy [item] from.”

Customer: “How DARE YOU! Get me your manager!”

Coworker: “I am the acting manager today, ma’am. We do not have [item]. We will never have [item] again. Here is where you could buy [item] online until they run out. Do you understand what I am saying to you? Do you need me to repeat it in Spanish? We also have a staff member who signs, should you need it in ASL. Or, I could bring my four-year-old in to explain it to you, since big words seem to stump you.”

The customer stared at [Coworker], turning a deeper shade of red the longer she stood. [Coworker] stared back, face completely blank, one eyebrow raised. It was one of the most tense stand-offs I’ve ever witnessed. But then, the customer rolled her eyes, threw her basket down, scattering her items, and stomped out of the store. My coworker did get a minor finger shaking for the stunt, but our manager was snickering as he did it, and that customer hasn’t been back since.

It’s been a longstanding problem at my store that the one thing customers never seem to do is be able to actually read the entirety of a sign.

Never mind the frequent items being misplaced by customers who are too lazy to put them back where they got them from, and another customer now assuming the one apple amidst the oranges is the same price, we get gems like THIS that happen…

Customer: “Hey, I was in here a few days ago, and one of your samples made me really sick, and it’s still out on the floor. You should really remove it!”

The customer then led me to the display in question, citing how he had eaten a piece roughly the size of a quarter, how it had tasted quite funny, but he still managed to swallow it down, and the resulting gastric distress he had gotten from it. When we arrive at the display, however…

Me: *Stares at the sign next to the samples.* “…This is what you ate?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “… And this sign was here when you did?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s how I knew it was a free sample, duh!”

Me: *Looks heavenward.* “… Sir. I’m afraid my eyes aren’t what they used to be. Can you read this sign out loud for me?”

Customer: “What? Why?”

Me: “Humor me for one second.”

Customer: “Hmph, fine! It says, ‘Free Samples of Choco—…oh.”

Me: “Go on.”

Customer: “…Chocolate-scented soap.”

Reading this story reminded me of my mom’s.

In my parents’ rural area, the new gas station also offers full-size hot pizza for pickup. Dad prefers the pizza to be left uncut (reasons not relevant). He can get weirdly huffy if Mom doesn’t remember to ask or if the worker forgets and cuts it anyway, but she rolls her eyes and has never relayed his snit their way.

One weekend, I was visiting, and a lot was going on. Mom went to get the pizza and came back laughing. Being a small town, she knew the person at the register that night but did NOT know the young guy working the pizza station. Yet, bringing the pizza out to the counter, he froze when he saw her.

Pizza Guy: *To clerk.* “You didn’t tell me not to cut it.”

Clerk: “Oh no!”

Mom: “No, I forgot to ask!”

Obviously, her request would stand out from other orders, but now we’re wondering just what sort of sign they have posted back there!