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If You Want Me To F*** Off, I Can Oblige

, , , , , , | Working | May 18, 2022

I was a kitchen manager at an upmarket restaurant in New Jersey. An employee told me to “f*** off” three times, so I sent him home.

The next day, the general manager brought the two of us together in a meeting.

General Manager: “I need you to apologize and shake [Employee]’s hand. He says he’s uncomfortable working around you.”

I had to apologize! Not the employee!

I gave notice, and my last day was February twelfth, right before Valentine’s Day! Good luck handling the holiday rush!

Getting Salty With Chemistry

, , , | Right | May 11, 2022

I’m updating shelf tags one Saturday night and hear a customer at the other end of the aisle loudly complaining. I’m not close enough to make out just what he is complaining about but assume it’s one of the usual problems: he can’t find the specific item his wife sent him in for, the price is more than expected, etc.

Being the good little employee I am, I approach him.

Me: “Can I offer any assistance?”

Customer: “I’m shocked by the amount of sodium in [product]!”

He then hands me a canister of a brand of iodized salt. I automatically think he must be joking, but he quickly disabuses me of this notion by pointing out the sodium content in all the other brands on the shelf.

Me: “Sir, salt is sodium chloride and that’s the reason for the high sodium content.”

The customer wasn’t having it. He just started getting louder until he was screaming that the sodium content was just outrageous and that we should do something about it. Like what, change chemistry?

When You Sound Scottish In The Red October

, , , , , , | Right | May 10, 2022

It’s started to get chilly. A coworker of mine is helping an elderly customer load purchases into his car. My coworker, who’s a young woman, steps outside in her store uniform without a coat or sweater, to the customer’s horror.

Customer: “Oh, please, no, I’m perfectly all right. You must be freezing!”

Coworker: “It’sh fine! I really don’t mind the weather, and I’d hate to shee you shpill any of your items. I’ll only be out for a few sheconds.”

Customer: “Thank you! But, ah… you must be from somewhere very cold if you don’t mind this weather! Russia? Somewhere I’d hate to even visit!”

Coworker: *Laughing* “No, shir, I’m from jusht acrosh the Hudshon River!”

Customer: “But then where’s your accent from?”

Coworker: “My akshent…? Oh! It’sh from dental shurgery.”

Customer: “Ahh… actually, the Russian winter doesn’t seem so bad by contrast.”

Their Request Strikes A Certain Cord

, , , , | Right | April 23, 2022

A customer comes in and hands me one of those big AC adapters — the power bricks that laptops and some desktops use.

Customer: “I need you to remove the malware from this.”

Me: “From… what? Is the computer in your car?”

Customer: “This is the computer.”

I have been a computer tech for twenty-five years. This is the first time someone has done this.

Me: “I guarantee this is not your computer. It’s the power cord.”

Customer: “It’s the computer!”

Me: “I assure you this is not your computer. What was it plugged into?”

Customer: “The monitor!”

Me: “You have an all-in-one computer. The computer is built into the monitor; this is just the power supply for it. I need you to bring the whole thing.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll bring it back Thursday.”

Sure enough, he brought back his all-in-one and the power cord today. Haven’t had a chance to look at it yet. Can’t wait!

This Story Is About To Get Doubly Saucy

, , , , , , , | Right | April 17, 2022

It is the day after Easter. I am sitting in front of our computer when a man walks in. As soon as I greet him, he says we messed up his order yesterday on Easter. 

Me: “Did you call yesterday to inform us?” 

Some people don’t call us the day the complaint happens or don’t have the opportunity before we close to call us.

Customer: “Yes, and they wouldn’t deliver me my sweet and sour sauce when you guys forgot it!”

Me: “Okay, I can go to the kitchen and grab you some now.”

As I’m about to walk away, he says:

Customer: “I mean, who eats egg rolls without sweet and sour sauce?”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you mean duck sauce?”

Customer: “No, sweet and sour sauce.”

Me: “Do you mean the stuff that comes in the packets or the red sauce? Some people call duck sauce sweet and sour sauce and I just wanna make sure.”

Customer: “No, the packets are hot sauce.”

Me: “There’s duck sauce, too.”

Customer: “No, there’s not, but the hot sauce is what saved you guys yesterday. That was good.”

I still think this guy means duck sauce, so I go around the counter on his side of the room and pick up a duck sauce packet to show him.

Me: “This is duck sauce.” *Picks up a hot sauce packet* “This is hot sauce.”

He walks over to the table I put the sauces on as I go back to my side of the counter.

Customer: *Quietly* “So, it’s my fault, then.”

He picks up a packet and holds it up.

Customer: “Is this duck sauce?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

He grabs some packets and leaves. I go to the kitchen where my boss is and ask her about what happened on Easter with that guy.

Boss: “He ordered for pickup, and when he was picking up his food, [Coworker] was trying to take his payment while I was putting his food on the table for him. He tried to hand the payment to me, but I directed him back to [Coworker]. But rather than give his card to [Coworker], he decided to stare at my butt as I walked away. After I’d gone back to the kitchen, he began saying to [Coworker] that all Asian women are so cute and started asking her if I liked Asian guys. When she said I just liked anyone and didn’t really judge based on their ethnicity, he told her he thought all white girls liked black guys or Mexican people.”