It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m driving home on a one-lane highway, and shortly before the traffic light where I’m going to turn, a second lane opens up to the right.

While it’s not strictly illegal to get into this lane and then continue straight, it’s considered common courtesy to stay in the left lane unless you’re making the right turn, because the traffic light is only there to allow people an opportunity to get onto the highway from the side street; making that right turn at a red light is nearly automatic.

I signal my intention to get into the right lane in advance of the lane split, only to discover that another car is trying to pass me on the right; already a warning sign as it means that they attempted to get into that lane before it existed, driving on the shoulder. The car nevertheless stops at the red light and stays there until it’s green, heading straight.

As I said before, this is perfectly legal, but passing on the right isn’t and going into the shoulder to get into the right lane when the car in front of you has signaled intent to turn right (which can be done at a red light) and you’re going straight is, quite frankly, a dick move. I flip the bird within the privacy of my own car (didn’t open the window to yell at them or flip it out there) and make my turn, thinking that that’s the end of it.

It isn’t. Apparently the driver saw in her rear-view mirror that I’d flipped her off, because wherever it was that she was going in such a hurry that she had to cut someone off to get to a red light in front of them, it was evidently less important than turning up a side street so that she could follow me home to start cursing me out. Highlights include “how could I have cut you off when you were in the fast lane”, “have an awful holiday”, and “I hope that [something-or-other] goes right up your ass”.

When I told her to get the hell off of my property, she said “I’m on the Board of [again, incoherent]! This isn’t your house, it’s my house!”

“Did you pay for it?”

“My taxes did!”

Now, this is a very small town, where everyone knows everyone. Trust me when I say she’s not from town, and certainly not on any board. She then threatened to call the police on me, saying she knows where I live now.

(I work as a receptionist at the main office of a big corporation.)

Me: *answering phone* “Thank you for calling [Company], [My Name] speaking. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “I want to speak to [Colleague]; he works in the IT department.”

Me: “Sure, one moment, please.”

(I transfer the call to IT. No more than thirty seconds pass before the phone rings again. I answer the phone with the same dialogue.)

Caller: “Hi, I called before and wanted to speak to [Colleague] in IT, but you put me on hold.”

Me: “I transferred your call to his department. When we transfer calls, you hear music on your end until they answer.”

Caller: “Well, I’m calling long distance and I can’t be put on hold. Just hand the phone over to him.”

Me: “Sir, this is a 1-800 number. It’s toll-free, so you won’t be charged long distance. And I can’t hand [Colleague] the phone because this is a large building and he’s on a different floor.”

Caller: “But I’m in Ohio. You’re wasting my time. Put [Colleague] on the phone now.”

(I transferred the call again and, thankfully, they picked up before he had to wait too long.)

I live in a condo community with shared entryways — front and back doors — and the front door is at the top of a porch. My poor senior dog has been sick all week, and after her morning walk, she decides to drop a bit of vomit on the front porch — not a lot, smaller than a child’s hand. After unlocking the front door, going upstairs to my unit, and getting her settled, I came back down with a paper towel and cleaned up the mess as best I could. As it was currently 17 degrees F, I decided against washing the residue away with water, as the spot was so small — and not even three-dimensional — that most folks could avoid it easily if they even noticed it. 

However, one of my neighbors obviously thought differently. I went back inside to finish getting ready for work. When I exited the front door again, not even ten minutes later, I found that the front porch was covered in a thick sheet of ice — not just the spot where my dog was sick, the whole blessed porch. Someone else had the smarts to cover the ice with building-supplied ice-melt. 

Now, had the weather been above freezing, I most certainly would have followed up the paper towel with a bucket of warm, soapy water, but I didn’t want to turn our community front porch into an ice skating rink. I’m still waiting for one of my neighbors to berate me for not cleaning up after my dog’s puke. Did I screw up?

(At our store, an employee was recently fired. She left the office the very moment she was told she was fired, and wouldn’t come back to hear anything else. At the end of the night, we discover she left her purse behind! Since she removed all of her contact info, we have no way to reach her or mail her stuff to her. We don’t want to throw her stuff out because we figure she has important things in there like her state ID and bank card, so my boss decides if she doesn’t return by the end of the week, we’ll turn it over to police. Three days pass without her returning, but a coworker has her sister’s phone number, and says she’ll call the sister to get the stuff. Her sister has come into the store before, so we know what she looks like and we won’t have a problem giving it to her. During the evening, about two hours before closing, I pick up a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Yeah, hey. I’m [Former Employee’s Sister]. I’m getting ready to leave to come to pick up her stuff. Why didn’t anyone just call her?”

Me: “We no longer have contact info for your sister, so we have no way to reach her.”

Caller: “Yeah, she told me that she took all of it off, but I thought you would have it backed up or something. She figured out later on she left her purse, but she was going to replace everything.”

Me: “Why? We would’ve given it back. If her stuff wasn’t picked up by the end of the week, we were going to turn it over to the police.”

Caller: “I guess you can’t tell me what happened, but she’s really mad at you. You know we live together, right? She came home and slammed the door when she came in. I asked her what was wrong and she just screamed at me and locked herself in her room all day.”

Me: “I see. So, I guess she’s cooled down now?”

Caller: “If she did, she’d be picking up her stuff. No, she said she’d rather lose all her stuff than step foot in your store again. I tried to talk her into going, but she said if I made her come along, she’d give you all absolute h*** for the night. Don’t know what anyone over there said to her, but she’s dying to curse all of you out to h*** and back, so she’s better off staying away. Not kidding. She told me this from her own mouth.”

Me: “Ma’am, forgive me for asking, but you’re talking like this is normal. You’re not upset with her or us?”

Caller: *laughing* “Nah. My sister and I are besties, so I know what she’s like when she’s mad. She’s had a bad temper since we were kids. She was a lot worse when we were younger, so what you’re seeing is better. When she was 13, she trashed a classroom because the teacher accused her of cheating and got her in trouble. She was innocent, though, so can’t blame her. Anyway, I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

(She hung up and I was left stunned for a bit. True to her word, she came about twenty minutes later, picked up her sister’s belongings, and bought a stuffed animal she thought would cheer her sister up. She was beyond polite to us, too. Hard to believe she and the former employee are related.)

It’s Christmas time and my brother flew home to spend the holidays with my son, parents, and me. Or so we thought. 

He flew in on Friday, the 22nd, and it’s currently Christmas Day. He’s been sleeping on my couch and using our cars to go visit a new girl and his friends. We’ve spent a total of three hours with him since he’s been home. He usually leaves before anyone’s awake and gets home after everyone is asleep. We’re all frustrated and upset at his behavior.

My mom decided to talk to him today when they took my niece her gift. Apparently, that didn’t stop him. As soon as they got home, he got changed and took the car and left again. He is here until Sunday. The next time I see him will probably be when it’s time to take him to the airport so he can fly back home. 

Merry Christmas to my family and me. Hope he changes his mind about spending time with us soon.