There Are Plenty More Crackers In The Sea

, , , | Right | March 19, 2018

(My family and I are at a food truck. My four-year-old sister has just dropped her goldfish crackers and is crying.)

Employee: “Why is she crying?”

Mom: “Oh, it’s okay. She dropped her goldfish and they fell under your truck.”

Employee: “OH, MY GOD!”

Mom: “It’s okay; we have more in the car.”

Employee: *to worker in the truck* “Can we please move the truck? I want to try and save them!”

Coworker: “Goldfish? Like the crackers?”

(We realized she thought my sister dropped a bag of real, living goldfish under the truck.)

Maybe If Daddy Did The Shopping More Often…

, , , , | Friendly | March 11, 2018

(My father-in-law and I are in the checkout lane of a grocery store. A woman with a child around three or four is in front of us. The little girl is in the cart handing stuff to her mother. She smiles and says hello to my father-in-law.)

Father-In-Law: “My, but you are a big girl, helping your mommy!”

Girl: “I always help my mommy and daddy!”

(The mother is smiling proudly.)

Father-In-Law: “I bet your daddy thinks you are a big help.”

Girl: “Mommy says Daddy is an a**hole.”

(The mother turned several shades of red and hurried out of the store. That was the last time my father-in-law talked to children in the grocery store checkout lane.)

A Depressing Statistic

, , , , | Healthy | March 7, 2018

(I have severe ADD and take Ritalin. I have been seeing a psychiatrist every six months for over a decade because it’s necessary to keep my prescription up, but normally we don’t do anything else. He asks me if I’m having side effects, I say no, he asks how school, work, or whatever is going, I tell him, he writes me a new prescription, and we’re done.)

Doctor: “And how are your classes going?”

Me: “Pretty well, except for this one lab where the whole grade is based on group work and my groupmates have disappeared…”

(I’m very frustrated with my classmates, and as I explain the problem with the lab, I start crying.)

Doctor: “Here, take these tissues! I had no idea you were so depressed. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine, and I want you to come back in a week for a follow-up.”

Me: “What? No, I’m just sleep-deprived! Your office is an hour from my house, and you get behind schedule so fast that my mom insists I book an appointment at seven am. I had to get up at 5:30 to be here! I’m a night owl; I get up at 10 or 11 if I don’t have anything I have to do earlier. I always cry too easily when I’m tired.”

(He doesn’t believe me and prescribes the medication, anyway. A week later, I’m back in his office.)

Doctor: “How are you feeling? If we need to, we can adjust the dosage before your next follow-up next week.”

Me: “Fine, like I was before, when I had slept. I know antidepressants take a while to kick in, but I don’t think these are ever going to affect me, because I’m not depressed. And I really can’t afford to keep experimenting with them; you know I don’t have insurance.”

Doctor: “I tried to find the cheapest antidepressants I could. I thought these were only about $10 a bottle.”

Me: “Come here. I want to tell you a secret.”

(He comes closer.)

Me: “You know those nice ladies behind the window in your lobby? They make people give them money before we can talk to you.”

(It had never occurred to him that visiting a psychiatrist every week instead of every six months might be a little pricey! I went off the antidepressants and am fine, as long as I don’t have to get up before dawn. Doctors, I know that lots of people really are depressed and it’s a serious problem, but people also know their own bodies, minds, and situations. It helps to listen.)

The Demon Owls Of South Carolina

, , , , | Related | February 26, 2018

(My grandmother and I are sitting in a hotel room when all of a sudden she grabs the Bible out of the drawer and chucks it at the window.)

Grandmother: “The power of Jesus compels you to leave!” *looks perplexed* “Oh, false alarm.”

Me: *startled* “What the heck did you do that for?”

Grandmother: “I thought I saw a demon looking in the window from the tree, but then it flew away and I realized it was just an owl.”

(She then went back to silently reading a travel brochure. I have the weirdest grandma ever, and I’m proud of that.)

This Doesn’t Add Up

, , , , , | Related | February 19, 2018

(I’m an asexual woman in my late twenties. My dad and stepmom have a six-year-old whom I don’t see much. We’re driving somewhere when, out of nowhere, he decides to start this conversation.)

Step-Brother: “Are you married?”

Me: “No.”

Step-Brother: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “No. I’m not interested in dating.”

Step-Brother: “You should get a boyfriend so he could do math for you.”

(I’ve been tutoring math at the high school and college level since before he was born, but sure, kid. I’ll change my sexuality, because that’s easier than keeping track of my own grocery budget.)

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