The Mother Of All Bad Phrasing

, , , | Related | June 22, 2017

(My brother was supposed to start a load of laundry early this afternoon and forgot, so he ends up bringing them upstairs for Mom to fold late in the evening. Granted, he screwed up, but Mom is acting like a five-year-old, pouting and throwing stuff, and I’m getting tired of hearing it. I’ve offered to help however I can, but she’d rather be angry. Then she discovers some of the clothes are still damp.)

Mom: “[Brother] didn’t check whether these god-d*** clothes were dry!”

Me: “I can take them back downstairs and dry them again—”

(She throws a pair of underwear across the room. I retrieve them.)

Mom: “Son of a b***!”

(She ignores my offer to help, gathers up all the laundry even though most of it did get dry, and stomps downstairs to dry it again. My step-dad and I are left upstairs.)

Me: “… her words, man. Not mine.”

(I’ve never understood why moms call their own sons son-of-a-bitch, but in this case it fit. Mom must have been way out of line because my step-dad admitted he thought the same thing.)

Dad Speaks A Whole Different Language

, , , | Related | June 19, 2017

(My parents split when I was five and I was raised by my mom so my relationship with my dad has always been very awkward. He still tends to treat me like a little kid even though I’m 21. I’ve only seen him twice in the past six years and we rarely talk on the phone so our relationship hasn’t changed much. My sister and I are planning to visit him this summer, so I’m calling him to start planning.)

Me: “What dates work for you?”

Dad: “Well, you can’t come until May at the earliest because I’m not well right now.”

Me: “Oh, no, what’s wrong?”

Dad: “I’ve got a cold and I need a machine to help me breathe when I sleep.”

Me: “Oh, that’s awful. Is [His Girlfriend] taking care of you?”

Dad: “Yeah, she’s taking care of me. She does everything but wipe my a**.”

(I can hear his girlfriend cracking up in the background, and I’m a bit taken aback as my dad almost never swears around me. I brush it off and the conversation moves to my schooling. I tell him I’m going to be a student teacher for an introductory Spanish class next year.)

Dad: “Wow, that’s awesome. I didn’t know you spoke Spanish.”

(I’ve only been studying it for ten years…)

Me: “Yeah, I’m really excited.”

Dad: “Mucho gusto!” *Nice to meet you* “You know what that means?”

Me: “Yes, dad, I know what that means.”

Dad: “Muy caliente! You know what that means?”

(Most people think that it’s used to say something is hot, temperature-wise, but it actually means “horny.”)

Me: “Uh… yes, I know what that means.”

Dad: “Muy caliente! I only say that when I see a sexy lady.”

Me: “…okay, dad.”

(After that conversation, I stopped wishing for my dad to treat me more like an adult.)

Your Behavior Is On The Wire

, , , , | General | June 13, 2017

(Most of the science teachers at my high school are awesome and well-liked by the students. One, however, is not. She is harsh, rude, and disliked by all of her students as well as the other science teachers. She teaches an “Introduction to Physics” class that you take for half your freshman year; the other half of the year, you take “Introduction to Chemistry.” After the first few weeks of the semester — plenty of time for all of us to develop our hate for her — she’s giving us the safety lecture before we do our first lab.)

Teacher: “Remember, safety is very important. If you follow the proper procedures, you’ll have nothing to worry about when working with even the most dangerous materials. Let me give you an example.”

(She pours some kind of black powder on her table, then sets a thick wire about a foot away from the pile of powder. The wire has a frayed end that is glowing noticeably.)

Teacher: “Now, this wire currently has a live electrical current running through it, and this powder is very electrically conductive. I need both of these for this experiment, but I must never let the two touch directly. But it’s all right to have them both on the table, because I’m trained in proper lab safety and am keeping them apart from each other.”

(Less than a minute later, she’s reaching down the table to grab a flask. On the way back, her arm brushes the wire, dragging it into the pile of black powder. There’s a flash, a loud BANG, all the lights in the room go off, and the teacher falls to the floor like a sack of cement, hidden from our view by her table. The entire class sits there in stunned silence for several seconds. Eventually, a friend of mine turns to me.)

Friend: “Did she just blow out the room’s fuses?”

Me: “I think so.”

(The teacher is still on the floor. After almost a minute, she finally staggers to her feet.)

Teacher: “What happened?”

Entire Class: “You let the wire touch the powder.”

(We all hated her so much that we had simply continued to sit there in the dark, not one of us wanting to go check on her.)

Wifi Wifey

, , , , | Right | June 3, 2017

(Upon check-in a guest is expressing that he is going to need a special type of room.)

Guest: “Do you have WiFi?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we do!”

Guest: “Is it in all of the rooms?”

Me: “Yes, sir, if you need to use it in the lobby or in the comforts of your room.”

Guest: “Well I need a room with the least amount of radioactive waves from the WiFi.”

Me: *drawing a blank*

Guest: “My wife is allergic to the WiFi signals so we need a room with the most complaints of dropped signals or poor connection. That’s the room with the least radioactive waves.”