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These Motorists Are Getting Antsy

, , , , , , | Legal | June 28, 2022

I’m a police officer. Back in the 1970s, [Highway] was loaded with traffic all of the time. The sides of the road narrowed as it went through the swamp areas and were barely wide enough for a vehicle to park with steep banks going down to the water.

One afternoon, traffic backed up for several miles. I attempted to weave my way through traffic to find out the problem. After several minutes, I arrived at the scene of the situation. A motorist was parked with his vehicle parked half on the road and half on the side with a flat tire. Clearly, he had enough room to get completely off of the highway but didn’t. His poor wife was flagging cars around the car.

I noticed that he was changing his tire in a “Fire Ant” nest. Before I could get parked, the ants started to sting. He danced out in the road in front of traffic, completely stopping traffic both ways, stripping off his shoes and pants as his poor wife beat the ants off. The motorists got a h*** of a show watching this naked man dance around.

I was a shavetail twenty-year-old trooper then. I’m now in my seventies and still laugh about this “fire ant” FEEDING.

The Daycare Is A Lie

, , , , | Related | June 12, 2022

I’ve submitted a few stories about my pain-in-the-rear mother-in-law, including this one.

At the time of this story, I was a stay-at-home homeschooling mother to two elementary-age children. My mother-in-law was always complaining about this because I wasn’t “working” and making money, and she was constantly trying to get me into obscure multi-level marketing schemes.

I was finishing up lessons for the day when I got a phone call. 

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, [My Name], I am so glad you are home. I have some great news! I found an easy way for you to make money! Several of my coworkers are having so much trouble with finding a daycare they can afford, and I told them you would watch their kids starting tomorrow!”

I was in too much shock to say anything as she was rambling on, sounding more and more excited.

Mother-In-Law: “It’s perfect because you are home all day doing nothing. There are three families and there are five kids, but I have more that are interested. They will be there at 7:00 in the morning. The parents are working ten-hour shifts so they will be picked up at 7:00 pm. Now, you will have to make lunch and dinner, but I told them it would be $50 for each family, so that’s a full $150 a week! And—”

At this point, I snapped back to reality.


I used other words I won’t repeat here.

Mother-In-Law: *Sounding insulted* “What do you mean? You should be thankful I found a way to make money. After all, you used to work in a daycare center, so you know what to do!”

Me: “First of all, working in a daycare was one of several jobs I had in college. Second, $50 is way too little to charge since even the ‘okay’ daycare centers in this area charge $200 per child. And putting aside the fact my house is far from childproof, I am not in any way, shape, or form a licensed or certified daycare center. On top of all that, I don’t know how you could possibly think I have the time to watch some strangers’ kids instead of educating my own. But none of that really matters since… YOU PLANNED THIS WITHOUT EVER ASKING ME! ARE YOU INSANE?! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR COWORKERS?! NOW THEY WILL SHOW UP AND I WILL HAVE TO TELL THEM THEY HAVE NO CHILDCARE BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE WATCHING THEIR KIDS!”

Mother-In-Law: *Sounding all insulted* “Well, I was just trying to help you get some money since you are too lazy to get a job. And these women have to work. The kids are coming tomorrow and you’d better watch them. I told them they could even just drop them off at the driveway and not even come in, so you’d better get ready for them.”

Me: “First of all, I do work; I just don’t get paid. Not that it’s any of your business. Now, I suggest you call each and every one of those families and tell them that you are a total idiot and made these plans, and that they’d better find someone else to watch their kids. I promise you, if any kids show up at my door, their parents will need to contact the police after work to pick them up because I will be calling child protective services for abandoned children at my house!”

Mother-In-Law: *Gasping* “You wouldn’t dare call the police on these people.”

Me: *Very calmly* “You know me very well. You know I will. Try me.”

I hung up. I fumed all day. Then, my husband came home from work

Husband: “Hey, honey, I’m h—”

He saw my face.

Husband: “Oh, crap. What did my insane mother do now?”

After I told him, he just sat down and was unable to speak for several minutes.

Husband: “I’ll call work and tell them I won’t be in tomorrow.”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “So I can help you take care of the kids until child protective services and the police show up.”

Me: “Thanks, but I don’t need help dealing with this. You go to work.”

Thankfully, no one left their kids at my house. I did get a frantic message on my voicemail from some woman begging me to watch her kids. I never called back. 

My husband let his mother have it. She never did really apologize, and she acted all upset that I didn’t appreciate her efforts to help me find a job, but she never pulled that again.

A friend that worked at the same factory as my mother-in-law said several families were very mad at her, and when the story got around… let’s just say her reputation was in the toilet. I felt so bad for the families, but I was not set up to be a daycare. I just don’t know what she was thinking.

The Organization Is A Lie
The Brat Spoiling Is A Lie
The Preemie Clothes Are A Lie
The Room For Rent Is A Lie
The Cake Price Is A Lie

A Whole Stairwell Full Of Wholesome Shenanigans

, , , , , , | Learning | June 12, 2022

Back in college, our dorm had a security guard that was nearing retirement age. He was a nice enough fellow who was always pretty fair. What he hated was when kids got drunk and started getting loud, causing disturbances. It always created a bunch of paperwork that he hated but his superiors demanded it every time he left the front desk.

My entire floor was full of students who were taking fairly hard classes for degrees in pre-med, engineering, teaching, pre-law, etc. We were a pretty serious group and very focused on our studies, so we never caused any trouble.

One hot night, we all had our room doors open because we had no air conditioner. We were all mostly stressed out due to finals. All of a sudden, I heard some loud voices from the stairwell. I and many others went to investigate. Several of our floormates were trying to run Slinkies down the steps. These are metal or plastic spring-like children’s toys. The old commercials would show that you could make them “walk” down steps. Someone had a box of about a dozen of them, but they couldn’t get it to work right. Before long, we had over thirty college kids all in the stairwell trying to get these things to work.  

Suddenly, the security guard came running up from the bottom floor. When he saw what was going on, he just stopped, looking at us with puzzlement.  

After we explained what we were doing, he turned around, shaking his head, and as he walked away, we heard him mumbling in a rather aggravated tone.

Security Guard: “No, couldn’t be normal college kids just getting drunk. How the heck am I going to write this up in a report that would be believable?”

This Strip Club Is The Hottest Place In Town

, , , , , , | Right | May 27, 2022

A buddy of mine owns his own electrical contracting company. He has many customers that have been his for decades. One Friday night at about midnight, he got an emergency call from an old client that converted his bar into a topless bar which required an increase in electricity use. The lights were flickering on and off, certain outlets stopped working, and others were sparking. My buddy showed up and went to the electric panel box. The pipe coming out of the top was glowing red! That meant it was heated up to an incredibly dangerous level.

Buddy: “You gotta shut this down now! This is about to burn down!”

Client: “I can’t! It’s Friday night! Do you have any idea how much money I make on Friday and Saturday nights? I will shut it down on Sunday and you start working on it then.” 

Buddy: “No, you don’t understand. This will not make it another hour, much less the night. This is a huge safety and fire issue. This is beyond dangerous, and you are putting your employees and customers in extreme danger if you don’t shut this down now.”

Client: “No, I can’t afford to do that.”

My buddy took pics with his cell phone and left. He called the fire chief’s office but didn’t get anyone, so he left a message. About three in the morning, he got a call back asking him to get back to the bar. Yep, it burned to the ground. Thankfully, everyone got out okay. A few had to go to the hospital for smoke inhalation but were released a few hours later.

Fire Chief: *To my buddy* “So, the owner said you were the electrician that worked on this just a few hours ago. What happened?”

My buddy figured they had the idea HE did something to cause this fire. He explained everything and showed him the pics.

Buddy: “Look, Chief. I knew this would go up in flames. I told him. I even called your office when I left here and left a message for you. I did no work on this because I knew this was dangerous. I tried to tell him to shut it down.”

The chief immediately had charges brought against the owner who later had to pay all the hospital bills. Plus, insurance refused to cover the loss because of the negligence. The sad thing is that this was not the only case of someone not listening to my buddy and their business or house end up burning down.

Always listen to the professionals you hire. They know what they are talking about.

Hold Up… What Did I Say?!

, , , , , | Right | May 11, 2022

I was working for a county office at the time, and we would get a one-hour lunch break. I decided to stop and fill my car up with gas before I went to go get something to eat. The gas station was on the corner of two streets down the road from where I worked.

The pumps were at an angle, and you could access them from either street. I was the only customer there at the time. You could not pay at the pump at this store. I went inside and paid for $20.00, went back out, took the gas cap off, removed the gas nozzle, pressed the button for gas, inserted the nozzle, and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

I went back inside the store to let the cashier know that the pump hadn’t been turned on.

Cashier: “I’m sorry, we have been having problems with that pump.”

She walked back out with me and reset the pump and it started working. Since I was the only customer and she wasn’t busy, we start chatting for maybe a minute. A car pulled up in front of the store and a lady got out and went inside. She came back out and looked in our direction.

Cashier: “I’m over here.”

Being all chatty and trying to be funny, I meant to say: “Oh, it’s my fault, because she is helping me.” Instead, what came out of my mouth was:

Me: “Oh, it’s my fault; I’m holding her up.”

The cashier and I chatted for a few seconds more and I thanked her. I looked over at the other lady and she was on her cell phone. The cashier and I said goodbye and she walked back into the store. Before I finished pumping my gas, a police car pulled up and parked by the other car.

Then, it dawned on me what I had just said.

The officer was sitting in his car looking at me and I was having a “Holy Crap!” moment and about to have a panic attack, waiting to be surrounded by cops. I finished pumping my gas and got back in the car, and I had to drive right past the cop to exit the parking lot. He was still looking at me as I pulled out, and when I looked in my rear-view mirror, he was getting out of his car to go into the store. I booked it out of there and went to a restaurant for food and a glass of wine.

And that is my story of telling someone that I was holding up a gas station.