Pet Me, You Will, Or Items, Break Will I  

, , , , , | Working | September 6, 2019

(I am trying to get access to an account I forgot the password for. I am on the phone with a very strange but very nice man.)

Employee: “Do you know the name of your first pet?”

Me: *tries several answers but none work*

Employee: “If I have your zip code, I can send you the answer.”

Me: *tries three zip codes until I finally get it*

Employee: “Okay, the answer should be sent in a text.”

Text Message: “Security answer is ‘yoda.’” *one of my guesses but he capitalized the Y*

Employee: “I’m just going to change it to a capital Y. The master’s name should be capitalized.”

(My parents named the cat Yoda before I was born. I never got into Star Wars but appreciated it anyway. Gave him a ten on his survey.)

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Disney: The Franchise Menace

, , , , , , | Right | September 2, 2019

(At work, I have a lot of Disney pins on my vest which get a lot of compliments from kids and adults. I am working a return for a customer when her daughter, about six years old, makes a comment.)

Girl: “You have a lot of pins.”

Me: “I do. Do you like them?”

Girl: “Yeah, you even have a Star Wars!

(I do not have any “Star Wars” pins on my vest and I think she saw my “Guardians of the Galaxy” pins as “Star Wars”.)

Me: “I don’t have any Star Wars.”

Girl: “Yes, you do: that big one right there!”

(Looking down, I see she means my Wall-E pin.)

Me: “That’s Wall-E; he’s a robot.”

Girl: “Yeah, that means he’s Star Wars!

Me: “I didn’t know he was Star Wars.”

Girl: “Yes, he is, because he’s a robot.”

(I finish up the woman’s transaction, and after they leave, I turn to my manager.)

Me: “Apparently, Wall-E is Star Wars.”

Manager: “Huh?”

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Mickey And Fairies And Elsa, Oh My!

, , , , , , , , | Related | August 29, 2019

(My girlfriend recently moved in with me. She used to live in New Jersey, but left because she didn’t feel she had reason to stay there. Her family lives across three states, and her friends were always too busy for more than a text conversation. Despite this, she still misses NJ — she lived there all her life — and is depressed for a while after moving in with me. Eventually, I convince her to get out of the house for a while and I take her to the Disney Store, one of her favorite places ever. It works! She leaves happier than she went in, and she buys an Elsa doll. Before we return home, we stop at my brother’s house to get my niece and take her to her grandma’s. Unfortunately, my brother’s mouth runs faster than his brain.)

Brother: “Hey! Did you buy that for [Niece]?”

Me: “No, [Girlfriend] bought that for herself.”

Brother: “What for? Isn’t that stuff for little kids? She should just give it to [Niece], anyway. I mean, what is she going to do with it? People will think she’s some sad person who never grew up. Everyone in the neighborhood will talk about her.”

(My girlfriend has seen my brother only three times — this being the third — so she feels too shy to really speak up and say anything. I just want to leave, so I ask where our niece is and my brother calls her to the door. She hurries with her backpack and, of course, immediately spots the Elsa doll.)

Niece: “Auntie, you got Elsa! Grandma bought me Anna! Want to see it? It’s at her house!”

Brother: “[Niece], grownups don’t play with dolls. Cartoons are for kids like you. Grownups don’t care about that.”

Niece: “That’s not true! Mommy was Wonder Woman for Halloween! And Grandma likes Mickey Mouse! And grandpa likes Superman! And Uncle–” *referring to me* “–likes ponies! And Auntie–” *my girlfriend* “–likes fairies! And I like all of them!”

(My brother seemed like he wanted to say something, but just told us goodbye and we left. I want to think he was embarrassed that a six-year-old was more open-minded than he was, but knowing him, he probably blew it off and only said nothing because my niece said it. She’s the only one he has a filter around since she’s a kid. On the upside, my girlfriend found it funny and appreciated the inadvertent defense. She started smiling more after that day.)

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“Use The Force, Harry,” Said Gandalf

, , , , , , | Related | August 16, 2019

(My older brother decides we are going to watch a movie one afternoon, and my mom shouts down the hall to invite my younger brother.)

Mom: “We’re getting ready to watch a Star Trek movie, if you want to join.”

Younger Brother: “Which one?”

Me: *walking past his room* “The one where The Doctor takes the One Ring to the planet Hoth because Professor Xavier told him to.”

Younger Brother: “Which one is that? Can’t you give me the title, instead?”

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My Little Baby Starfox

, , , , , , | Related | August 3, 2019

(My sister recently had a baby girl. She’s been trying to roll over from stomach to her back for the past week but hasn’t been successful. During a family get-together, she is laying on a blanket in front of everyone and obviously starts trying to do it again. She’s at the tipping point and looks like she’s about to fall back onto her stomach again…)

Me: “[Baby]! Do a barrel roll!”

(Surprisingly, she managed to complete the roll and ended up on her back. She started waving her arms and legs happily as we all broke out laughing. Now she’ll roll over every time we tell her, “Do a barrel roll!”)

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