The Gallifreyan Version Of A Magic Eight Ball

, , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2017

(My friends and I are part of a Doctor Who fan-club. One day I come in with a stuffed version of one of the show’s characters, a robot dog called K-9, programmed to say a few of his phrases from the show when you press a button. Everyone starts playing with him.)

Friend #1: “Hey, K-9. What do you think of me?”

K-9: “Maximum defence mode!”

Friend #1: “Wow. That was… harsh. What do you think of [Friend #2]?”

K-9: “Master?”

Friend #2: “Wow; I guess K-9 has his favourites, don’t you?”

K-9: “Affirmative.”

The Customer Menace

, , , , , , | Right | November 21, 2017

(It is Star Wars day this week, so the hotel where I work has decided to do a themed dinner. There are a lot of kids who are coming, so as a special treat the owner decides to show Episode One. My friends and I are big nerds and have our own costumes for conventions. When we hear about the dinner, we offer our costumes so the kids can get their pictures taken for free with Darth Vader, a stormtrooper, and Princess Leia. We also offer a Q&A session. The kids are having a great time. An older, visibly annoyed customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes, sir? How can I help?”

Customer: “Would it be possible to change the film to a good one?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I’m afraid I can’t. Can I ask the reason why you would like it changed? Perhaps there might be something I can do?”

Customer: “First of all, the kids aren’t even paying attention.” *points to two kids playing with lightsabers on the other side of the room* “Besides, this new generation needs to be educated on the classics.”

Me: “Sir, most of the kids are paying attention to the film. In fact, it’s only those two who are playing who aren’t paying attention. We chose this film especially because of the large number of kids that have come.”

Customer: “The originals are far better than this s***!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to watch your language.”

Customer: “F*** you. I’m not done yet.”

Me: “Sir! There are young children around! Please stop swearing!”

(The customer stand up, grabs my shirt, and pulls me close to his face. I can smell a large amount of alcohol on his breath, and I’m starting to get a little bit scared.)

Customer: “You listen to me. I will say what I want, where I want.” *lets me go* “Now, go and get the manager so I can talk to someone who’s intelligent.”

(I get the manager. He is dressed up as a stormtrooper.)

Customer: “Finally, someone who’s a true fan. I’m sure you can understand wanting to change the film. That costume is fantastic. Where did you get it?”

Manager: “Sir, we will not change the film because you have been so rude. We would have been happy to change it to what you wanted once it was finished, but we’re not going to do that now. Besides, you have attacked a member of my staff. Now, please calm down and watch the film or you will be ejected from the premises.”

(The customer is still angry, but sits down.)

Customer: “You still never answered about the costume.”

Manager: “Actually, this costume belongs to the waiter you were so rude to.”

(The customer’s jaw drops by about an inch and he stares at me. In my best Darth Sidious voice, I say:)

Me: “Good. Let the hate flow through you.”

A Tortoise Beats A Hare By Using Time And Relative Dimensions In Space

, , , , , , | Related | November 20, 2017

(My five-year-old asks me to tell him a new fairy tale every night. I have begun to look up lists, as I want to find some I have never heard as well. One night, I decide to tell a fairly old one that I know by heart, since I am tired.)

Me: “Okay, I want to tell you one I already know, since it is late and I am super tired.”

Son: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Well, it’s old, but it has a good message. It’s about a tortoise and hare.”

Son: “A Tardis and a hair?”

Me: *blinks* “What did you say?”

Son: “A Tardis and a hair? Why would the Tardis have hair?”

Me: *laughing* “Not a Tardis… A tortoise! It’s like a turtle. And not a hair, but an H-A-R-E. It’s essentially a rabbit.”

Son: “Oh, I was about to ask if the Doctor changed it because a police box was kind of obvious.”

(I just blinked some more… Who has a five-year-old who thinks about that?!)

A Jedi Shall Not Know Love…

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 20, 2017

(I am a huge Star Wars fan, and after years and years I am finally buying the complete series, Episodes I – VI, on Blu-ray. I am 25 and have been single longer than I care to admit. This happens as I am checking out. The cashier is female; I am male.)

Cashier: *looks at my purchase “You must be single, right?”

Me: *not really paying attention* “What? Oh, umm… Yeah.”

Cashier: “I figured; you wouldn’t have time to watch all these if you had a girlfriend.”

Me: “Ha ha, yeah. I guess so.” *dies a little inside*

(I couldn’t bring myself to watch them for about a week after I bought them because it just reminded me that I could be out on a date instead.)

When A Ferret Becomes A Weasel

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 16, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are watching the fourth instalment of the Harry Potter series. It’s my boyfriend’s first time watching it. In this movie, a teacher transforms a student into a ferret, a fun and memorable scene, concluded with another teacher running up and asking, “Is… Is that a student?” A short while later, there’s a scene depicting a big school dance, where the teacher who transformed the student sits in a corner with something on his lap.)

Boyfriend: “Wait. Pause. What’s that in his lap?”

Me: “That’s… Oh, haha, it’s a ferret!”

Boyfriend: “Is… Is that a student?”

Me: *rolling with laughter*

Boyfriend: “…on his groin?!”

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