Way Better Than What Neelix Can Cook Up

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2018

(My mom has been going to the same small-town butcher shop for over twenty years. This allows her to make the occasional… interesting order.)

Mom: “Hi. I’d like to order a turkey for roasting and four extra full turkey legs. And can you make sure that’s two left legs and two right legs?”

Employee: “Um, okay, we can do that. But only if you promise to tell us why!”

Mom: “I will when I come in to pick them up, I promise!”

(A couple days later, her order is in and she goes to pick it up.)

Employee: “So, about that explanation…”

Mom: “We’re having a Star Trek-themed dinner party. We’re going to skewer the extra legs onto each side of the turkey and tell our guests it’s an extraterrestrial ‘turkey beetle.'”

Employee: “That is probably the best thing I have ever heard.”

(Somewhere in one of my parents’ old photo albums is a picture of them in Starfleet uniforms, proudly showing off their assembled and roasted “turkey beetle”!)

He’s From Iowa, But He Works In Outer Space

, , , , | Learning | December 11, 2018

(We are assigned homework to research famous people from our home state of Iowa, to give a five-minute presentation. I have totally forgotten this, and thanks to the power of the alphabet I am called up first. Panicking about getting a failing grade, I decide to take a risk and totally wing it about the only famous person from Iowa that I know of.)

Me: “Today, my report is about Captain James Tiberius Kirk.”

(I look directly at my teacher, and breathe a sigh of relief when I don’t see a glimpse of recognition.)

Teacher: “Captain? So, you’ve chosen a military figure?”

Me: “Yes, but I chose him because he was captain of a ship that was more famous for its exploratory missions.”

Teacher: “Please, continue!”

Me: “His ship was called The Enterprise. He wasn’t the first or last captain of this vessel, but he is by far its most famous captain. As I said, it was primarily an exploratory ship, but it did have its fair share of battles. His most famous known tactical move was called. ‘The Corbormite Maneuver.’ He also helped negotiate peace with a mining team who had inadvertently started excavating where the locals lived and raised their young. If it were not for him, there would have been a deadly battle between them and the natives, but he was able to make the miners see the locals as intelligent beings that were worthy of protection.”

(I continued in this vein, and easily could have gone for more than the allotted five minutes! My teacher gave me an A and was the none the wiser. I’m very thankful for inheriting my parents’ encyclopedic knowledge of fifty-year-old episodes of “Star Trek”!)

You Fear What You Don’t Understand

, , , , | Right | December 11, 2018

(I’m working at a booth at a nerdy convention when a man wanders in:)

Guest: “Where am I?

Me: “Our booth number is AA11.”

Guest: “No, I mean… what’s all this?”

(He waves generally around the room.)

Me: “Oh, this is the vendor’s hall. Are you looking for something specific?”


Me: “Um, it’s [Convention].”

Guest: “WHAT?!”

(I notice he isn’t wearing a pass.)

Me: “How did you get into the event?”

Guest: “What event? What’s happening?”

Me: “Um, I think you should talk to security; they usually don’t like people getting in without a pass.”


Me: “That’s a cosplayer.”

Guest: “NO!”

(And with that, he left, panicked and confused.)

Enabling Customers Allows Them To Live In Their Own Fantasy, And That’s Final

, , , | Right | December 4, 2018

(I’m a manager at a grocery store. While I’m briefing the afternoon shift, I get a customer call through on my handheld. I decide to take it, thinking it is important.)

Me: “[Store]. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Seymour’s mum is Anima’s fayth, right?”

Me: “Um… Yes?”

Customer: “And we see them both in Zanarkand, with his mum saying he had to destroy Sin?”

Me: “Correct.”

Customer: “So… does that mean that Anima is Seymour’s final aeon?”

Me: “I guess. I don’t know if it’s something Square has confirmed, but as a theory, I suppose it works.”

Customer: *to someone else on their end* “I told you!”

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Oh, no, thank you. I just heard you singing Suteki Da Ne the other day and thought you’d be a good second opinion. Thanks for the help!” *hangs up*

(I stared, dumbfounded, at my phone, with my afternoon shift looking equally confused.)

A Long Time Ago, In A Ballet Performance Far Far Away

, , , , , | Romantic | November 24, 2018

(My husband and I are at a performance of Balanchine’s “Stravinsky Violin Concerto,” which is a “mood” piece with no specific plot. I love ballet; my husband is not such a fan. This conversation happens during intermission.)

Husband: *frowning* “I don’t get it. There’s no storyline. I don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.”

Me: “Think of it like an abstract painting. Or… wait.” *thinking fast* “Remember when Luke and Yoda were on Dagobah, and Luke was going into that forest where Darth Vader was, and he asked Yoda, ‘What’s in there?’ and Yoda said, ‘Only what you take with you.’? It’s kind of like that. It’s what you take with you.”

Husband: “So, the stage is a cave filled with the Dark Side of the Force?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. If it helps.”

Husband: *nodding sagely* “Oh. Okay. I get it now.”

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