I work in a small, independent board game store. It’s a quiet afternoon when a couple comes in; the guy looks excited; the woman clearly does not want to be there. She ends up being the customer.

Customer: “Do you have anything normal? All these look… complicated.”

Me: “We carry mostly modern strategy games, but if you’re looking for something simple and fun, I can recommend—”

Customer: “—No, no, I don’t want to learn rules. I barely want to roll dice.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “So… you want to play a board game that’s just… what… staring at a board?”

Customer: “I just don’t see why you’d want to play anything that takes more than five minutes to understand. What do you have that has no dice, no complicated stuff?”

Me: “We have Cards Against Humanity.”

Customer: “I’ve played that. It sucks. No card games!”

Me: “Hmm, the only thing we have that doesn’t have dice or cards is chess.”

Customer: “Is it complicated?”

Me: “Well, it can take just a few minutes to learn—”

Customer: “—perfect!”

Me: “—And a lifetime to master.”

Customer: “Ugh… that sounds exhausting.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Hun, remember this is for your nephew, not you.”

Customer: “Yes, but I’m trying to avoid him from becoming a geek like you!”

Well, doesn’t THAT sound like a healthy relationship?

She ended up getting an age-appropriate version of Monopoly, because it doesn’t have “monsters and trolls and s***.” Capitalism wins again!

I’m behind the counter bagging new releases when a customer storms in, clutching an issue of ‘The Amazing Spider-Man.’

Customer: *Agitated.* “Okay, I have a serious complaint. This book is misprinted!”

Me: “Oh? What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “This page has a white bar at the bottom, where the color didn’t print right. This is a $5 comic!”

Me: *Taking the comic and inspecting it.* “Yeah, looks like a minor printing shift. That happens sometimes. It’s not super common, but it’s not unheard of.”

Customer: “This completely ruins the resale value. What if this ends up being a key issue?!”

Me: “We can, of course, swap it for another for you. We can even check inside first to see if the printer error has been repeated.”

Another customer who has been standing nearby joins the chat:

Other Customer: “Can I buy that from you?”

Customer: “You want a defective comic?”

Other Customer: “Defective? Are you kidding?! That makes it a rare variant! In the future, collectors will be talking about the limited edition run of printing errors for this comic that make it worth ten times as much, if not more! I’ll give you the five bucks for it.”

Customer: “I thought you said it’s worth more?”

Other Customer: “It will be, just not today. I’ll take it off your hands for you.”

Customer: “I… uh… I don’t know.”

Me: “I’m happy to swap it out for you too, sir.”

Customer: “Actually, I think I’m just going to stick with this… thanks. Actually, can I get a sleeve and backing board for it?”

I sell him the sleeve and board, and the customer carefully inserts his now ‘extra valuable’ comic into it, and carries it out much more reverently than when he had stormed in with it.

Me: *To the other customer.* “You know it’s very unlikely that comic will be worth more than a normal print run, right?”

Other Customer: “Yeah, but I could tell from the way he was going on about it that he was a jerk.”

Me: “Would you have bought it from him if he’d sold it to you?”

Other Customer: “H*** no, but that was never going to happen. Now he’s going to hold that comic in his collection with pride, and you don’t have to deal with him.”

Me: “You’re beginning to sound like a comic book villain yourself.”

Other Customer: “Think of this as part of my origin story.”

One of our supervisors is a HUGE Marvel fan. He buys the comics, plays the games, and of course, watches the movies. It is 2012, and it is the opening night for ‘The Avengers’ and our supervisor is beyond excited. He’s scheduled to leave early today to go to a special event at a large IMAX theater one city over, and he’s even dressed up in a Thor cosplay for the event.

Manager: “[Supervisor], can you help [Customer] out? She has a complaint about her iPad.”

Supervisor: “Can one of the floor staff do it? I’m leaving.”

Manager: “I want a supervisor on it.”

Our supervisor looks down at himself, obviously ready to head out.

Supervisor: “I’m in a trench coat and I am already clocked out.”

Manager: “Did I stutter?”

Supervisor: “Okay, but I am still out of here in five minutes. I’ve had my shift finishing early on the calendar for five months.”

Manager: “I’m expecting you to do what the customer needs. I have another customer I need to serve who actually wants to buy something.”

I overhear the supervisor go over to the customer.

Supervisor: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I wanted to return my iPad! It’s not what I expected it to be, and it’s just ending up being a distraction! I wanted to use it to read my books, but I keep getting all these pop-ups and notifications!”

Supervisor: *Talking very fast.* “I understand that would be an issue. I can see that you’re outside our return policy, but only just! I will refund this for you straight away.”

Customer: “Really? That’s amazing! Your manager was telling me I couldn’t do it.”

Supervisor: “You have a valid complaint, so I will honor it this time. There, that’s been processed for you. Have a great day!”

Customer: “Oh my goodness! So fast! Thank you so much!”

The supervisor turns to leave, and the manager rushes over.

Manager: “Did you just process her refund?! I told her we couldn’t do that!”

Supervisor: “I noticed on the screen that you made the sale, so you were expecting the commission. I suppose you told her a whole bunch of lies to get the sale? I also suppose you make a habit of this, as no one has a return rate on their sales as high as yours? So I would also suppose you wanted to offload the complaint to me so you would have time to make another sale and try to claw back your commission? Not going to happen today. I warned you I’d be out of here on time no matter what.”

Manager: “Who are you to talk to me like that?!”

Supervisor: *Undoing his trench coat, revealing his Thor cosplay.* “I am the god of thunder, and I will not suffer your mortal nagging anymore!”

And with that, he turned gloriously and dramatically and exited the store. I wanted to clap.

CONTENT WARNING: Blood

I am a medical lab assistant, which is essentially a fancy phlebotomist who also gets to play in the lab. I frequently have to go to the surgical wing and draw for type and screens on patients before they go into the operating room. The blood bank gets the sample and uses it to determine the patient’s blood type in case they need to be transfused for whatever reason.

This conversation happens at least three or four times a week.

Patient: “Do you know what they are testing my blood for?”

Me: “Yes, they are checking your blood type on the off chance that they would need to give you blood during or after your procedure.”

Patient: “So, what’s my blood type?”

Me: *Holding the blood I just drew* “I don’t know; the blood bank hasn’t analyzed it yet.”

Patient: “You can’t tell from just looking?”

Me: “Well, it isn’t green, so we can rule out Vulcan.”

Patient: “…”

Me: “No, I can’t tell just from looking.”

It’s the midnight release of the biggest movie of the year. It’s chaos, but the fun kind. Fans are in costume, collectible cups are clinking, people are quoting line from the trailers like scripture. I’m working the ticket counter when a guy storms up, holding his popcorn bucket.

Customer: “Excuse me. This is not the limited-edition popcorn bucket from the ad!”

Me: “Let me take a look, oh, that’s the current one. The ‘limited’ bucket with the glow-in-the-dark trim was from last week’s early fan event.”

Customer: *Irritated.* “But I pre-ordered my ticket two months ago. Shouldn’t that guarantee me the limited merch?”

Me: “The buckets are first-come, while supplies last. The promo was for that event only.”

Customer: *Waving the bucket around.* “So what is this then? Just… normal popcorn? In a normal bucket?”

Me: “Well, the popcorn’s the same.”

Customer: “So… how do I get that bucket?”

Me: “I’ve seen a few people selling them on eBay.”

Customer: “That’s it? That’s all you can offer me?!”

Me: “I’m afraid the only plot twist I can offer you tonight is in the movie, not out here at concessions.”

The customer is looking around at the awesome vibes, amazing cosplays, genuinely party-like excited atmosphere of the movie that can only come from the midnight release of the biggest summer blockbuster release of the year.

Customer: “You just totally ruined my night, you know that?!”