(The city has just started a month-long arts festival, and there is also a motocross championship happening, so you can’t get a motel room easily. I’m checking into a cheap motel with an okay reputation, just happy to get a room at short notice. I’m checking in early and know that I might have to wait a little while before the room is ready. I’m filling out the registration form while the receptionist is on the phone. A well-dressed lady in her 40s storms in.)

Lady: *to me* “Urgh! This place is disgusting. You’re not staying here, are you?”

Me: “Actually, I am.

Lady: “Well, don’t. It’s disgusting — definitely not worth [price]!”

Receptionist: *off the phone* “Hello. Checking out?”

Lady: *throws room keys at him* “Yes, and I want a refund now!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry to hear that. May I ask why?”

Lady: “The mirror is smashed; I could have seriously hurt myself. There’s no parking, I had to park on the street, and the room reeks of cigarette smoke.”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, I explained yesterday that it had just been broken and that we would replace it, but you didn’t want to wait. Parking shouldn’t be a problem; we have more than enough spaces.”

Lady: “When there are a bus and a four-wheel drive with a trailer there are not!”

Receptionist: “We have allocated spots for large vehicles. Did you try closer to the office?”

Lady: “Well, how was I meant to know about that?! It’s not like I work here.”

Receptionist: “Anything else, ma’am?”

Lady: “The room reeks of cigarette smoke. I’m allergic. It nearly killed me.”

Receptionist: “We have extremely sensitive smoke alarms in the rooms and bathrooms that would have had the fire brigade here if someone smoked in the room.”

Lady: *huffing, now really angry* “This place is disgusting. I’m putting a review on [Travel Website] and talking to a lawyer.”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, you arrived last night when we were full. We managed to get a room ready when someone had checked out early. I explained about the mirror when you inspected the room, and you stayed over checkout by two and a half hours and didn’t bring this to my attention. I can’t help you, but the owner will be here tomorrow if you want to talk to them.”

(The lady storms out, cursing.)

Receptionist: *takes a deep breath* “I’m so sorry about that.”

Me: “That’s fine, not your fault.”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, your room isn’t quite ready yet. It is room eight, the room she complained about, but once it’s ready you can inspect it and the mirror can be fixed later this afternoon.”

(He looks scared that I will cause a scene.)

Me: “It’s okay. I’ll just go and get a coffee up the road, and I’m sure the room’s fine. She’s just a b****.”

(The receptionist looks relieved and laughs a little. I leave as more people come in. Twenty minutes later, I get the call to check in. The room doesn’t smell of smoke, there is a small amount of damage to the bottom of the bathroom mirror where the glass has been removed, and there is plenty of parking, just not right beside the room. Later, when I check out, both the receptionist and owner are there, with the owner on the phone in the back office.)

Receptionist: “Miss [My Name], I hope the room was acceptable.”

Me: “It was fine. The mirror didn’t bother me, I couldn’t smell smoke — I have severe allergies — and I found the parking fine. I really appreciate the early check-in. Thank you. I’m lucky to have gotten a great room so cheap at this time.”

Owner: “Hi, are you the lady that stayed in room eight last night?”

Me: “Yes, I did.”

Owner: “Can you please tell me what happened?”

(I recount what happened, and I give my impression of the room and the great job the young receptionist did.)

Owner: “Thank you. I just had that other woman on the phone demanding a refund, saying that [Receptionist] yelled at her and called her a rich b****, and that [Receptionist] had been smoking when she inspected the room.”

(I was given a discount on my room by the owner and thanked by the receptionist and wished a safe trip. As I was about to drive away, the receptionist ran out with bags of drinks and snacks, more than enough to keep me going through my eight-hour drive home, as a thank-you. Seriously, lady, you check into a cheap motel at one of the busiest times of the year, when other motels are charging up to five times their normal rates, for under $100, and expect five stars?!)

(Our hotel has a pool table that guests can play pool until 10pm. It’s 11pm.)

Old Man: “Excuse me, can I play pool?”

Me: “No, sorry, not after 10pm.”

Old Man: “WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT?!”

Me: “It doesn’t say it anywhere, but that’s our policy.”

Old Man: “ANY WHY FOR THIS ‘POLICY’?”

(I explain that there are people nearby in their room trying to sleep, and it might disturb them. The old man gets even angrier.)

Old Man: “WELL, THERE OUGHTA BE A SIGN SAYING THIS POLICY! SINCE THERE’S NONE, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO PLAY POOL!”

Me: “No, I don’t have to break the rules. As for the sign, I don’t know why there’s not, the manager–”

Old Man: “I DON’T WANNA CAUSE TROUBLE, BUT I WILL IF YOU DON’T SHOW ME THIS POLICY WRITTEN SOMEWHERE! HOW ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?”

(We go around in circles like this for hours, and then finally he pouts off. He went into the lobby, sat down on the couch, and glared at me for hours more until finally he goes into his room! What a schmuck! I pity his family for having to deal with someone like him.)

(Two very drunk guys come to check in. I check them in and hand over the keys.)

Guy: “Hey, what’s time’s checkout?”

Me: “11 am.”

Guy: “Then why does it say checkout: 8 25?!”

Me: “…That’s the date sir.”

Guy: “Oh.”

Me: *stupefied*

Guy #2: “Can we have late checkout?”

(it’s early morning and a young woman dressed in a suit comes in. I’m busy with another customer, and instead of waiting in line, she stands in the entrance, staring at me, blocking it. When a few minutes pass, she shouts:)

Woman: “HELLO?! HELLO!”

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “I need the meeting room unlocked!”

Me: “Ok, I’ll do it after I’m finished with this customer.”

Woman: “NO! NOW!”

(I ignore her and quickly finish with the other customer, who’s turned around and staring at the crazy woman, and get the keys to unlock the meeting room. The woman goes in and stares around. It is set up for a meeting.)

Me: “Ok, so it’s unlocked.”

Woman: “Where do I put my computer?!”

Me: “Uh, I don’t know, there I suppose.”

(She frowns but since there’s a line forming at the desk, I go back. A few minutes later, she comes out and yells across the lobby.)

Woman: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “I need a special cable to hook up my computer! Where is it?”

Me: “Um, I don’t know about that.”

Woman: “They told me that it’d be all ready for me, and I can’t find it!”

Coworker: “Excuse me, but WHO told you?”

Woman: “[Sales Manager]! She said that someone would help me hook my computer up! I have a presentation in 30 minutes!!”

Coworker: “Well, I’ll just call the [Sales Manager].”

(He gets on the phone and the crazy woman storms off. It’s very early so it takes a while for the sales manager to get on the phone but he speaks with her. I continue to help customers while he talks and finally he puts the phone down.)

Me: “What’d she say?”

Coworker: “She said that she told never this woman that there would be someone to hook her computer up! She’s crazy!”

(The woman returns, my coworker tell her what the sales manager said, and she threw a big fit at us! The sales manager was called again, and the woman spoke to her, she was calm as anything. Nice to be caught in your lies!)

Upon check out, we always ask the guests if they didn’t forget any items in their room or safebox.
Me: Sir, just to make sure, all your personal belongings are with you and your safebox is empty?
Guest: Yes, yes… *remembers something and blushes* Oh God.
Me: What happened?
Guest: I actually just remember, I put the hairdryer in the safebox and locked it.
*I just stare at him in disbelieve, wondering how valuable this hairdryer is*
Guest: No, it is not mine, it’s the hotels. It was supposed to be a prank for my girlfriend, but she didn’t need it. And then I forgot to take it out.
Me: *laughing* I promise I will not tell anyone, but I would love to see the face of my security officer when he opens the safe!