(A customer enters lobby and walks up to the counter.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “My shower is broken.”

Me: “Broken how, exactly?”

Customer: “The water comes out either too hot or too cold!”

Me: “Okay, you can’t just turn the shower on high and expect it to be perfect.”

Customer: “I am a daily user of a shower; are you calling me stupid?!”

Me: “No, sir.”

(Well, I thought it.)

Customer: “Can you switch my room, then?!”

Me: “No, sir, we are sold out for the night.”

Customer: “Well, if you’re so smart, come prove me wrong, then!”

(We walk to the guy’s room and go into the bathroom.)

Me: *turns shower on max hot, puts hand in after a minute* “This feels okay; I would actually turn it up if I could.”

Customer: *puts hand in* “That is way too hot!”

Me: “Okay.” *turns it down to half* “Is that okay?”

Customer: “No, that’s still too hot!”

Me: *turns it to half cold — about 40°F, I’d say* “Is that okay now?“

Customer: “No, now it’s too cold.”

Me: “Okay.” *steps back* “Try to adjust it to your liking, and I’ll see what you mean.”

Customer: *fiddles with the knob* “This is okay here.”

(At this point, the water is barely coming out past the tub spout, maybe 60°F.)

Me: “Sir, that’s cold water. Most people shower with water that has steam coming off of it.”

Customer: “It’s not up to you to say how I shower.”

Me: “I’m not saying it is; all I am saying is I can’t turn down my water heater just so you personally can have a cold shower.”

Customer: “And there aren’t any more rooms you could get me?”

Me: “No, we are booked solid, and you have used everything in the room; I can’t give you another room.”

Customer: “THEN GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I AM GOING TO GIVE YOUR HOTEL A BAD REVIEW! I AM NEVER STAYING HERE, EVER AGAIN!”

Me: “That’s just fine. We can read and reply to any review you leave on the site. Good luck.”

(I’m working the evening shift at a hotel with the owner one evening when a young couple, who checked in earlier, approaches the desk.)

Young Man: “Would it be possible to get a slice of cheesecake and some matches for a candle? We’re celebrating her birthday today.”

Me: “Sure thing, and happy birthday to you.”

(I prepare the cheesecake and grab some matches, and they then go to their room. About five minutes later, they come back with his arm wrapped in a shirt.)

Young Woman: “We need directions to the nearest hospital. He has burned his arm. There is also a little bit of smoke in the room, currently.”

(The owner gives them directions to the local hospital and sends me up to check on everything. When I get to the floor, I see some smoke in the hallway. Then, I open the door to find the room is barely visible due to there being so much smoke in the room. I go get the owner as the fire alarm starts to go off. Everyone evacuates the building and the fire department shows up as we are trying to clear all the smoke out.)

Me: “All this from one candle? What did they do, drop the cake?”

Owner: “Actually, it turns out the ‘candles’ they were using were actually sparklers. Not a good idea in a small room.”

(We found out later he had to be taken to a burn hospital and treated for third-degree burns.)

(I am answering the phone at the front desk of the hotel where I work.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I need to make a reservation.”

Me: “Great, I can definitely help you with that! What day will you be arriving?”

Caller: *scoffs* “Oookaay; guess I am a f****** idiot, then!

Me: *quite taken aback* “I am sorry, sir?”

Caller: “I said, ‘I guess I am a f****** idiot!’”

Me: *confused and not really sure how to respond* “Um… Sir, I’m sorry, but why do you think that?”

Caller: “You just called me a f****** idiot!”

Me: *shocked* “No, sir! I can assure you I said nothing remotely close to that statement!”

Caller: *sounding genuinely surprised* “Oh, you didn’t?”

Me: “No, sir, I did not! I just asked when you would be arriving! I apologize if that sounded like I said something else, but I can promise you I would never speak to a guest like that!”

Caller: *completely nonplussed and cheerful as if nothing happened* “Okay, then, I need a room with a king-sized bed for the 12th.”

(The rest of the phone call was normal, but I still have no idea why this guy thought would just nonchalantly insult customers!)

Me: “Hello, [overseas US Military Hotel]; how can I direct your call?”

Caller: “Oh, you speak English.”

Me: “Yes, this is an American military hotel you are calling.”

Caller: “Wow, your English is really good!”

Me: “Yeah, I’m from New Jersey.”

Caller: “You don’t even have an accent!”

Me: “…”

(I get a telephone call from reception about a guest who has already been to four rooms and was not happy with any of them. She finally gets upgraded to a business room, which is half the size of our other standard rooms. She is being a pain and starts hunting around the room, looking for anything to pull us up on.)

Guest: “What’s this?”

Me: “Toilet paper?”

Guest: “It’s been used!”

Me: “We don’t replace a toilet roll unless it’s less than half used.”

Guest: “This is illegal! You have to replace with every guest! I should call the health department!”

Me: “It doesn’t say that anywhere in the health and hygiene rules.”

Guest: “Yes, it does!”

Me: “I will replace it, if you’d like.”

(She has already given me a list of things she “needs” and things to do. She is traveling with her husband and daughter. All the other rooms she checked have three full-sized beds. This room has one double-bed and room for a tiny fold-out.)

Guest: “We’re going out for dinner. Will it be safe to leave our luggage with you? You won’t steal it, will you?!”

Me: *stares in disbelief* “Of course not!”

Guest: “No need to take that tone!”

(She walked out and went to dinner. I told the reception that after I was finished there that I was refusing that guest service. They didn’t argue.)