I am finally checking in a guest who was able to find a parking spot in the parking lot of the business next door that was closed for the evening, after spending several minutes arguing with me over both the rate she was supposedly quoted and the fact that the Corporate reservations line supposedly told her we had truck parking, which we do not.  While we’re talking there is a sudden rush and I have a line of people out the door waiting to check in, so I’m trying to get her checked in quickly.

Guest: “I’m going to pay with cash”
Me: “Ok, well we do require a $100 deposit for cash”
Guest: “Here’s my debit card, but I’m going to pay with cash.”
Me: “Alright, that’s fine”  *swipes card and it declines* “Um well it’s not going through, did you have another card?”
Guest: “No, but the 800 number didn’t tell me that I would have to pay one!  I even told them I would be paying cash.”
Me: “I’m sorry, they probably didn’t think about that since they generally book reservations over the phone with a credit card, but our policy is that we have to have.,.”
Guest: “I’ve been driving all day, my husband just got the truck parked, I’m not going anywhere else tonight.  Most places don’t make me pay a deposit though because I use [major review website]”
Me: *clarifying with her, but loud enough for the 10-12 waiting guests in the lobby to hear* “Uhhh…you never pay a deposit at hotels because you threaten to review the hotel on [major review website] if they make you?”
Guest: “Yep, uh huh”

I realize at this point that she would not be making any concessions and she was not leaving for another hotel without a fight, which I didn’t have time for as the line grew longer and longer and the phone continued to ring off the hook.

Me: *With a big fake smile* “Um, well…alright, I’m going to go ahead and make a one time exception for you tonight as a courtesy…since you’re so unwilling to pay the deposit…but just know that it is standard practice for all hotels to request a deposit for incidentals.”  I then finished up the transaction, was able to authorize $1 deposit on her debit card, and then assigned her one of our worst rooms available.

Once she got what she wanted she was very pleasant the rest of the evening, and even exited the pool at exactly closing time!  I was preparing myself for another fight over that…

(A weary looking man comes in.)

Me: “Hello.”

Man: “Hi, what is your rate?”

Me: “We’re sold out.”

Man: “Hm! Really? Ok then.”

(I’m starting to think this this is one of those rare customers that gets it on the first try. He turns, takes a few steps, then stops. Then he goes right back to me. Oh no.)

Man: *frowning* “So you don’t have any rooms?”

Me: “Yes that is what I said.”

Man: *suddenly VERY irate* “THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SAID! I SAW YOU GRIN THROUGH THE MIRROR!” *point to lobby mirror*

Me: “…”

Man: *suddenly deflates* “So you really don’t have any rooms?”

Me: “No.”

(He leaves, defeated. Next time, buddy, make a reservation!)

(I work the late shift at a hotel. While it’s not unusual for people to comment about my hours, this is definitely the most amusing conversation to date.)

Woman: “Oh, my God, are you still cleaning?”

Me: “Yes, I am the late shift.”

Woman: “What? You clean all night?”

Me: “Not normally; the odd time I’ll be here until midnight, but normally 10 or 11. Tonight I’m off at 11.”

Woman: “Wow, you are a hard worker.”

Man: “You must do the work crews.”

Me: “Yes, sir, my main responsibility is cleaning the rail crews’ rooms since they are constantly routing.”

Woman: “So, someone does cleaning all night?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I am the late cleaner and we have an early cleaner who starts at five am. There is no housekeeper for the slowest part of the night, but if needed the front desk will clean a room for them.”

Man: “You do what you have to. How are the rest of the rooms divided up?”

Me: “We have other housekeepers who work normally eight to four; their job is the regular guest rooms. If the early cleaner or I have free time we will also clean the regular rooms.”

Woman: “Twenty-four-seven cleaning is crazy! I will write to your head office for you and I promise we will never stay with this hotel again!” *walks off before I can say anything*

(There’s a group of men who stay in our hotel 365 days a year. Their company pays for it. All of them are ok, except for one. He is mean, has a thick Southern accent so we can’t understand him, and likes to go around in his underwear and scare the little children. His family’s the same, if not worse. One day he walks down to the front desk with no clothes on!)

Me: “Uh, Mr. [Guest] you can’t go walking around without no clothes on!”

Guest: “AH WANNA WAKEUP CAWL!”

Me: “Ok, but please, sir, go put some clothes on, there are families with little children here!”

Guest: “WEKKIP.”

(He ignores me pleas and gives me a toothless grin. Behind him, a mother and child see him standing with no clothes on, gasp, and hurry away. I wrote a note to the manager about what happened, but the manager insists on not kicking him out because the rest of his crew don’t do that!)

(I am a software engineer. I’ve just accepted a contract for work in my hometown and am traveling back for the first time in a decade. I don’t use social media so no one there really knows what I’ve been up to unless I was close to them. While doing basic research for the contract while on my flight, the client’s name sounds familiar, and basic snooping reveals she’s the mother of a former classmate. Thinking I can have a chuckle with the client later, I brush it aside and don’t even notice a familiar face checking me into the hotel later.)

Former Classmate: “Okay, so I have a room for [My Name]… Wait. Are you [My Name] that went to [School]?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, s***! [Former Classmate]?! Oh, h*** no… Someone has to be pranking me right now.”

Former Classmate: “Well, that’s not what I’d expect after not seeing me since high school!”

Me: “Sorry. You’re just the last person I expected to run into randomly while I was in town for work. I didn’t even know you got into the hotel business.”

Former Classmate: “That’s fair enough. What are you doing for work, then?”

Me: “Oh, this and that. I go wherever they send me and do what I need to do really.”

(We talk for a good half hour, catching up on what’s been happening in town and what mutual friends are up to.)

Former Classmate: “I hope you enjoy your time back in town! Maybe we can grab dinner and get a bunch of us back together!”

Me: “Sounds fun! Hope it doesn’t get weird, though. I’m in town to see your mom! Ha!”

(I walk away while she gives me a look of horror. I think nothing of it, but she seems to avoid me for the entire time I’m there. A few days before I leave, her mom takes me out to a fancy dinner for my work — a common thing — and brings me back to the hotel. When she learns where I’m staying, she tells me about her daughter. I tell her I’m a former classmate, and she decides to come in and have a laugh with her daughter about it.)

Former Classmate: *seeing us walk in* “OH, GOD, MOM! PLEASE, NOT WHERE I WORK!”

Client: “What? I just wanted to say hi and bring [My Name] back to his hotel.”

Former Classmate: “DO YOU HAVE TO F*** EVERY GUY I’M ATTRACTED TO?!”

Me: “Whoa! Wait, what?!”

Client: “IS THIS THE CLASSMATE YOU HAD A CRUSH ON ALL THOSE YEARS?!”

Me: “WHAT?!”

([Former Classmate] ran to the back crying. Turns out, my client was a cougar and she and her daughter had very similar taste in men. When I told her I was here to “see your mom,” she thought I was a male prostitute and couldn’t bring herself to look at me. After her manager brought her back out, I showed her my business card to prove I was NOT sleeping with her mom.)