(I am a paramedic.)
Me: *to a patient* “Let me borrow your arm for a blood pressure check, please.”
(The patient extends their arm.)
Partner: “Don’t worry; she’ll give it back.”
Me: “Yeah. I got in way too much trouble last time for not giving it back. The police even chased me!”
Patient: “The police chased you?”
Me: “Yeah! For armed robbery!”
Partner: *groans and slams back doors of the ambulance while walking away*
(I’m out with my father and brother, purchasing some items from a home improvement store that happens to have a food truck outside.)
Father: “We need all this crap and we should have gotten it earlier.”
Me: “We need it now. We didn’t know what we would need earlier. We still have twenty minutes before we need to leave.”
Father: *continues to complain for the next five or so minutes*
Brother: “Jeez, dad. Why don’t you get a whine burger and some French cries?”
Father: “We don’t have time for food! You can get [Food Truck] another time!”
(My mother loves gardening. However, she always wears baggy pants with no elastic in the waistband, so when she is gardening, the pants ride down and show off her lower half. My mother has spent the day gardening and now we’re having dinner.)
Sister: “How was your day, [My Name]?”
Me: “Fine, I saw the moon all day.”
Mother: *chiming in* “Really?”
Me: “Yes, with a single crack.”
Mother: “Oh, that is interesting.”
Sister: “Mum, she is talking about your lower half!”
(My dad who had just walked in started laughing; my mum was not happy.)
(My friend and I are talking. I’m overly fond of plays on words. She mentions a popular chain pet supply store.)
Friend: “Is Petsmart ‘Pet Smart’ or ‘Pets Mart’?”
Me: *thinks for a moment* “If you are pet smart while looking for a pets mart you’ll go to Petsmart.”
Friend: “Wow.”
(I’m studying to get my certification to sell insurance. A friend sends me a joke and I read it aloud to my boyfriend.)
Me: “Would a Transformer get car insurance or life insurance?”
Boyfriend: *pause* “He can just bundle and save.”
