The Theory Of Everything Silly

, , , , , , , | Related | October 15, 2018

(My kids and I are leaving the book fair at their school. My youngest is named Stephen. My oldest, age ten, has a book about scientists.)

Oldest: “This book doesn’t have Stephen Hawking in it!”

Stephen: “CAW! CAW! CAW!”

Me: “Stephen! What are you doing?”

Stephen: “I’m ‘hawking’! I’m Stephen Hawking!”

The Poop Is Pun-gent

, , , , | Related | September 30, 2018

(This story takes place over text. I’m walking my dog and she eats some horse poop.)

Me: *texting Mom* “[Dog] ate some poop.”

Mom: “Yuck and ugh.”

Me: “I know… I hope it’s worth getting her teeth brushed really well. I think it was horse poo. Just a little bit, but gosh.”

Mom: “Oh, well, horse poo. That’s different. Still gross.”

Me: “Yeah, it was more like hay-ry apples. But very. I got some out of her mouth but any poo is too much to eat. Mare-y Christmas to her. Be home soon.”

Mom: “That’s mare-y funny.”

Me: “Sorry, are you a little hoarse? Okay, I’ve had en-hoof.”

They’re Breeding Like Starbucks

, , , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2018

(My husband and I are driving on a road near our house where they are putting up a natural food store right next to a restaurant. It looks like it’s almost touching the restaurant.)

Me: “It looks like they’re spooning one another.”

Husband: “Store sex! Does this mean they’re going to have kiosks?”

Lizards And Dragons And Beards, Oh My

, , , , , | Friendly | August 24, 2018

(It’s three in the morning when I get a phone call from my best friend. She wakes me about once a week to tell me some weird thing she thought of while she was trying to sleep.)

Friend: “Hey! Guess what I just realized?”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “All bearded dragons come from Australia!”

Me: “And?”

Friend: “That means every bearded dragon is the Lizard of Oz!”

Me: *brief pause* “Oh, my God, [Friend]. Go to bed!”

Otto Be Punished For That

, , , , , , | Related | August 17, 2018

(My husband and I are at his parents’ place. We all recently received invitations to a gathering of “descendants of Otto von [Mother-In-Law’s maiden name],” and are discussing it.)

Mother-in-Law: “So, all of Otto’s descendants will be there, but his siblings’ families have their own. Apparently, he came to America, established himself, then went back to get one of his brothers, and then another when they had established themselves, until he’d brought his whole family over.”

Father-in-Law: “Sounds like they Otto be grateful to him!”

(He and my husband cracked up; my mother-in-law and I exchanged a look.)

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