A Pun In The Oven

, , , , , | Romantic | June 15, 2018

(This was before I was born. Dad has just come home with shopping bags.)

Mom: “Honey, can you check the oven while I put the groceries away?”

Dad: “Sure.” *checks* “There’s just a bun… Wait a second.”

(He turns around and sees Mom wearing the biggest and goofiest smile ever.)

Dad: “You mean…”

Mom: “Yup, I found out yesterday.”

Dad: “And you put a bun…”

Mom: “Uh-huh!”

(Dad kisses Mom on the forehead and laughs.)

Dad: “It’s gestures like these that remind me why I love you, my little cornball.”

(And this is how Mom told Dad about me. No wonder I love cheese so much!)

These Puns Are The Real Horror Story

, , , , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(There is some really thick fog this night, and I just finished carrying out an order for a customer to their car. I come back in, and a coworker friend from another department is in my department looking around. I walk over, and we go to lunch a few minutes later.)

Coworker: “What were you outside for, by the way?”

Me: “Oh, just bringing out an order to a customer. It was small, so I didn’t mind.”

Coworker: “How bad is the fog out there?”

Me: “It’s like Silent Hill kind of thick, again.”

Coworker: “When it’s thick like that, I try to catch it, but I always mist.”

(I dropped my spoon, and my coworker friend and I burst out laughing. We will both always laugh at even the worst of jokes and puns, and I hadn’t heard that one in a while. When we both walked out that night, we were trying to catch the fog like children, but always mist.)

A Bad Joke, No De-Nile

, , , | Healthy | April 23, 2018

(I schedule appointments at an OB/GYN office. One day, a woman calls in needing to be seen; she has just learned she is about three months pregnant.)

Patient: “I thought I had food poisoning or something from my trip to see the pyramids, but my symptoms lasted so long I thought I should take a pregnancy test. Positive! I’m so excited!”

Me: *hardly able to contain myself that I can use this joke* “Sounds like you did catch something on your trip. You have the Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy!”

Kick Them While They’re Down

, , , , | Related | April 7, 2018

(My mum is telling off my younger brother — seven or eight years old — for annoying me, which he takes great delight in. He especially enjoys testing me until he finds my breaking point, before pushing past it and seeing how far he can get before I explode. Severe annoyance can end up with him being tussled/wrestled; we rarely hit each other, but sometimes I will give a light bump on his backside with the side of my foot — more of a tap than anything else — that results in him scuttling out of reach, giggling maniacally.)

Mum: “Why are you teasing your brother? Leave him alone!”

Brother: “I get a kick out of it!”

Mum: “[Brother]!”

Brother: “Yeah, I tease him and he gives me a kick!”

Firing Out Puns

, , , , , | Related | March 21, 2018

(My mom is watching me play a popular video game where you can throw your hat to “capture” different enemies and use their powers. One such enemy throws fireballs. I’m attempting to capture this enemy, but just as I throw my hat, he throws a fireball. The hat knocks the fire back into the enemy, killing it.)

Me: “Well, that backfired.”

(Beat.)

Mom: “Seriously?”

Me: “I swear, I didn’t mean to make a pun!”

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