Treating Depression With Tongue Firmly In Cheek

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 17, 2018

(On my most recent office visit, I get some coffee but am hustled into a room before I can mix in cream or sugar. I spot a container of tongue depressors and grab one to stir. The nurse chuckles a bit at my audacity, but it makes perfect sense to me; it’s just like any other wooden coffee stirrer. Then, I have a bright idea. A few moments later my doctor walks in:)

Me: “I think I need Zoloft for my tongue.”

Doctor: “Why is that?”

Me: “It’s been depressed.”

(I got the laugh I hoped for. Nice to have a doctor with a sense of humor.)

A Cracking Excuse

, , , , , | Related | January 8, 2018

(I’m at a large warehouse store shopping with my husband and two daughters. My three-year-old daughter sees a gigantic box of graham crackers.)

Daughter: *starts pointing from cart* “I want those! I want graham crackers.”

Me: “No. Those are only for Gram Gram’s house. That’s why they are called ‘Gram’ crackers.”

Random Guy Shopping: *chuckles*

Dad Jokes Have No Temperature

, , , , , , , | Romantic | January 6, 2018

(I have been sick and haven’t been able to get much sleep. After another night of tossing and turning, I’m feeling delirious.)

Me: “I need to take my temperature again.”

Husband: “I don’t know where you put the temperature thing.”

Me: “Temperature thing? You mean the thermometer?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Me: “I put it next to the ther-DAD-iger.”

Husband: “No. Just, no. Back to bed with you.”

Me: *laughing and coughing fit*

We’re Going To Come Under Fire For This One

, , , , | Related | January 3, 2018

(I live in Montana, but my brother-in-law lives in California with his daughter. Recently there have been several large and out-of-control fires raging in California.)

Father-In-Law: *talking about a conversation with his son earlier* “So, he says they’re going to go down and pick out a Christmas tree.”

Me: *from the other room* “Are you sure there are any left?”

Father-In-Law: *thoughtfully* “You know, I don’t know if they’ve sold out or not.”

Me: “No, I mean with all the fires… It was humor. Dry humor. Like California.”

(I pause dramatically.)

Me: “I’m on fire… just like California!”

(I make dry, morbid jokes. So sue me!)

Dead Man’s Jest

, , , , | Learning | December 27, 2017

(I am being taught about the equipment needed to safely rock climb. A carabiner is a kind of clip. Lockable carabiners don’t snap open when pressed against a rock, and the instructor considers knowing this very important.)

Instructor: “What kind of carabiner do we want?”

Everyone: “A locking carabiner!”

(Later:)

Instructor: “What kind of carabiner do we want?”

Everyone: “A locking carabiner!”

(Later:)

Instructor: “What kind of carabiner do we want?”

Me: “Pirates of the carabiner!”

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