These Puns Are Criminal

, , , , , | Romantic | February 24, 2021

My husband and I are lying in bed, having our usual pre-sleep recap of our days.

Husband: “[Boss] was giving us an overview of the candidates coming in for interviews. He said one of them gave him a bad vibe, said he came across as condescending.”

Me: “Ahh, condescending. The opposite of gentleman-ascending.”

Husband: *Long pause* “Shut up.”

Me: *Giggling wildly* “Hey, honey? What do you call a patronizing criminal going down a set of stairs? A condescending con descending!”

He rolled over in bed and pretended to fall asleep. I continued giggling. Unfortunately, I can’t even say my horrible jokes were due to a late hour; this is just my sense of humor. You’d think he would be used to it after eight years together.

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Because Dad Jokes

, , , , | Related | February 15, 2021

Dad: “Do you like New England clam chowder?”

Me: “No.”

Dad: “It’s good.”

Me: “I don’t like seafood.”

Dad points at the sandwich in my hand.

Me: “This is turkey.”

Dad: “Yeah, but you see it. See-food.”

Me: “…why?

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Yeo, Man, That Joke Was Too Easy

, , , , , , | Working | January 18, 2021

A Yeoman in the navy is a person that performs office duties, whether a man or a woman. During the 1980s, most offices used IBM Selectric type typewriters; they use a font ball to type letters, and if you want to change font, you change the font ball.

I am sitting in the ship’s office one day with a couple of others waiting to go over our annual evaluations with my division officer. There are two yeomen working in the office typing reports. One is male and the other female.

Male Yeoman: *To the other yeoman* “Do you have an OCR font ball?”

Female Yeoman: “No, I think we have just the two balls between us.”

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Everything’s Peachy At The Office

, , , , , , , | Working | January 11, 2021

I work for a small engineering business. The company is run by a couple of directors who have a small office off of the open-plan office where we designers work. One of the directors looks after the finances and manufacturing side, whilst the other director looks after the engineering and technical side of the business. It is fair to say that their sense of humour is heavily innuendo-based, and at times, I have gone into the office for some engineering reason but left after watching a “Beavis And Butthead”-style performance. 

For example, this morning, I have to make some amendments to a drawing after the engineering director requests a minor cosmetic change. I make the changes and bring in the modified drawings to be attached to the manufacturing route card — the all-important bit of paper that gives the machinist the instructions to make the item. The route cards are then passed on to the finance director who orders material, etc., and sends them on for manufacture. This particular item is a shaped dowel that provides support for the part when it is clamped in place on a mitre saw. This part is called a button. I give the engineering director the drawing.

Engineering Director: “Thanks.”

He starts searching his paperwork-strewn desk for the route card.

Engineering Director: “Have you got the card?”

Me: “No, you didn’t give that to me.”

Engineering Director: “Are you sure? I haven’t got it here.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I haven’t, but you’ve got me doubting myself now. I can go and check my desk. Did you give it to [Finance Director]?”

Engineering Director: *With a grin* “Have you got saw buttons?”

The finance director responds loudly with a huge smile on his face.

Finance Director: “Sore buttons! Have I got sore buttons! How can you tell? Is it the huge grimace on my face?”

Anyway, that was this morning. Fast forward about half an hour, and I’m sat at my desk doing drawings and manning the phones whilst I wait for my lunch to start. My technical manager is having his lunch. The finance director comes out of his office making a jokey comment about how much work he has to do.

Technical Manager: “In a bit, is it okay if I come and see you before [Vendor] arrives?”

Finance Director: “Sure.”

Technical Manager: “I’ll come in when I’ve finished my yoghurt.”

Finance Director: “Finish the yoghurt? Is that some kind of euphemism?”

I try to insert a comment.

Me: “Clearly he is a man of culture!”

But I am largely ignored.

Finance Director: “I need to see my wife so I can finish my yoghurt!”

I realise that I am not going to be able to join in, so I decide to listen and enjoy the floor show whilst I work. I pick up my mug of tea and take a swig. Just then…

Technical Manager: “Very creamy and peachy.”

My half-mouthful of tea exits my mouth. Fortunately, as my mug is still in my mouth, the tea just returns to the mug. I swallow back a coughing fit, and with mock indignation, I call out:

Me: “Don’t say things like that! I very nearly sprayed my keyboard!”

Technical Manager: *Very suggestively* “Sprayed it with what?”

And my reaction to that? Let’s just say I had to wait a minute or two before I was able to finish my drink.

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The Pun Train Keeps Motoring On

, , , , | Working | December 17, 2020

I work in a small office as a design engineer. It’s getting toward the end of the day, and I’m sort of concentrating on my 3D design. The reason for the lack of full attention is that the director has come out of his office to talk to the technical manager, [Coworker #1], and [Coworker #2], and it’s hard to ignore. Just as well, as when my name gets mentioned, I am already up to speed.

They need a new motor for one of our machines, and our regular supplier is still on furlough. [Coworker #1] has suggested another contact, [Representative]. The director groans and starts moaning about how annoying [Representative] is.

Director: “He just goes on and on about motors. He won’t stop talking about them! Good call, though, [Coworker #1]! I ought to get [Coworker #2] or [My Name] to deal with him. Maybe one of [My Name]’s War And Peace-length emails will put him off contacting us again. [Coworker #2]… if you ever talk to him, you’ll end up learning everything there is to know about motors, even if you don’t want to.”

Me: “So, what I’m getting is that [Representative] is a bit of a motor-mouth.”

There follows a lot of groaning, and the director rubs his forehead. He turns and points at me.

Director: “That’s it; you’re going to have to deal with him, [My Name]!”

With that, he returns to his office.

Coworker #1: “You’ve wound him up, [My Name]!”

There are more laughter and groans.

Technical Manager: “I really want to join in with this, but I won’t.”

He looks at me and nods towards the director’s office.

Technical Manager: “You’re gonna get shafted.”

There are yet more laughter and groans.

Me: “He didn’t seem that phased.”

Groans…

Coworker #1: “He’ll be put in a cage.”

He notices the blank looks and lack of reaction and starts to explain to [Coworker #2], before trailing off.

Coworker #1: “A cage induction motor…”

Me: “Yeah, that was a bit of a leap, and I think [Coworker #2] has lost his bearings.”

More groans!

Coworker #1: “Yeah, he’s not a fan.”

Laughter!

I grab my mug and head to the door.

Me: “Anyway, I need to clean my mug, as I don’t want to stator late!”

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