Do Not Anger That Woman In Particular

, , , , , | Right | February 13, 2020

(I am one of few girls who work at my depot, and sometimes my male coworkers like to tease me. It’s all in good fun, and I give as good as I get. On this particular day, I am the only girl working.)

Customer: “You go, girl! Stand up to those bullying guys!”

Me: “Oh, you bet. It’s hard being the only girl sometimes, y’know?” *obviously joking*

Customer: “You know what you should do?”

Me: “What, sir?”

Customer: “You should get them really drunk, wait until they fall asleep…” *dramatic pause*

Me: “…and?”

Customer: “Nail their foreskins to the floor!”

Me: “Umm…”

Customer: “Trust me; it’ll work!”

Me: “Ha… hahaha.”

Customer: “Nah, I’m just joking with you… or am I?” *leaves*

(A few minutes later, my coworker comes up to me and asks why I look so horrified. I tell him what happened, and he responds with:)

Coworker: “So, would that make them floorskins?”

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Don’t Be A Chicken About Marriage

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | February 12, 2020

(My boyfriend and I have discussed eventually wanting to get married in the future but never put any plans into motion. So, I order a simple ring with a fried egg on it. Around Christmas, I give it to him.)

Me: “Hey, sweetie, open this.”

Boyfriend: *opening the box* “What is this?”

Me: “It is your egg-agement ring.”

(I got hit with a pillow, but we’ve been happily married for a year now.)

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When Laughter Is NOT The Best Medicine

, , , , | Healthy | December 11, 2019

(I am a paramedic.)

Me: *to a patient* “Let me borrow your arm for a blood pressure check, please.”

(The patient extends their arm.)

Partner: “Don’t worry; she’ll give it back.”

Me: “Yeah. I got in way too much trouble last time for not giving it back. The police even chased me!”

Patient: “The police chased you?”

Me: “Yeah! For armed robbery!”

Partner: *groans and slams back doors of the ambulance while walking away*

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Shopping With Dad Was Never So Much Pun

, , , , , | Related | November 6, 2019

(I’m out with my father and brother, purchasing some items from a home improvement store that happens to have a food truck outside.)

Father: “We need all this crap and we should have gotten it earlier.”

Me: “We need it now. We didn’t know what we would need earlier. We still have twenty minutes before we need to leave.”

Father: *continues to complain for the next five or so minutes*

Brother: “Jeez, dad. Why don’t you get a whine burger and some French cries?”

Father: “We don’t have time for food! You can get [Food Truck] another time!”

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Will Have A Crack At Telling Your Mother

, , , , , | Related | November 5, 2019

(My mother loves gardening. However, she always wears baggy pants with no elastic in the waistband, so when she is gardening, the pants ride down and show off her lower half. My mother has spent the day gardening and now we’re having dinner.)

Sister: “How was your day, [My Name]?”

Me: “Fine, I saw the moon all day.”

Mother: *chiming in* “Really?”

Me: “Yes, with a single crack.”

Mother: “Oh, that is interesting.”

Sister: “Mum, she is talking about your lower half!” 

(My dad who had just walked in started laughing; my mum was not happy.)

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