Will Banana Split Your Sides Laughing

, , , , | Right | May 3, 2020

I work at a chain of family restaurants in the northeast US, and this happens about 10:30 pm, a little over an hour before we close for the night. I am working the ice cream counter. A Jim Dandy is what we call our large banana splits.

Me: *To a waitress* “Hey, what do you call a Jim Dandy with no nuts?”

Waitress: “What?”

Me: “A Jane Dandy!”

She tells her customer, laughs, tweets it, and then tells the joke to another customer at carry-out.

Customer: “This is great; you guys should open a bar!”

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A Whisker Away From Insanity

, , , , , | Related | April 23, 2020

While working from home during the recent global health crisis, I post a picture online of my cat cuddling my laptop and mock-complain that my work calls are being interrupted by purring. The following comment exchange ensues between me and my sisters. 

Sister #1: “In-purr-upted?”

Sister #2: “I am proud of that pun. It is purrfect.” 

Me: *Pause* “Get out.”

Sister #1: “Aww. Do I have to leave right meow?” 

Me: “I guess you can stay for a mew minutes.” 

Sister #2: “You have got to be kitten me! She can stay fur as long as she likes!” 

Remember that laughter helps reduce stress! Stay safe and keep smiling, everyone!

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Telling A Joke But All You Get Are Crickets

, , , | Right | April 17, 2020

I work in a pet store, and there is a regular that is in all the time. She is very nice and always makes light chat. Normally, I am in the fish/animal department where she shops but today I’m up on the registers.

Regular: “I have a number of crickets and these.”

She motions to her other items and I enter the codes.

Me: “Your total is [price]. So, where’s [Husband]?”

Regular: “He’s at home.”

She hands over a crumpled wad of cash, which I start to straighten.

Regular: “It’s the right amount.”

Me: “Oh, I believe you. You’re here all the time. I’m just flattening them so they lay in the register easier.”

Regular: “Okay. Sorry about them. They went through the wash today.”

Me: *Completely serious* “Been laundering money, have we?”

Regular: *Laughs* “Wow, that was so… punny.”

Me: *Laughing, too* “I couldn’t help myself! No regrets!”

The regular is still laughing as she gathers up her stuff.

Regular: “I guess I set myself up for that.”

Me: “See you later!”

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Puns As Painful As Bad Customers

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2020

(I am in a popular store. A female employee is putting up a huge advertisement picture in the women’s clothing section, and a man with a manager’s badge walks over.)

Manager: “[Employee], how goes the poster hanging?”

Employee: “Well, I have a feeling there’s going to be some problems with this one…”

(I look at the poster. It’s a woman in an extremely revealing swimsuit.)

Manager: “Yeah, I knew this one would cause some issues. I can hear it now. ‘Mister Manager, how dare you show this to my children?! It’s so inappropriate! I want a refund even though I didn’t buy anything!’”

Employee: “When anyone complains, you’d better know that I’m making you deal with them.”

Manager: “I promise I will… ad-DRESS the issue! Get it? Address?”

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What A Crappy Joke

, , , , , , | Related | March 13, 2020

(My mother’s small dog, whom I love more than most people, is a bit of a pill when it comes to doing his business outside. It’s not that he would rather do it inside; he just sometimes doesn’t seem to want to do it at all, and it’s something of a chore to get him to do a “number two”. I have him out in his yard one afternoon while my mother is doing something else.)

Me: “Come on, buddy. You can do it! Assume the position!”

(I keep up a stream of relative nonsense for a few minutes until my mother comes outside to continue her project. She pauses and watches me.)

Mom: “[My Name], what are you doing?”

Me: “Trying to get [Dog] to do what he needs to do.”

Mom: “By annoying him?”

Me: *pause* “Yeah! I’m harassing the s*** out of him!”

(The look I received could have melted stone.)

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