(My kids and I are leaving the book fair at their school. My youngest is named Stephen. My oldest, age ten, has a book about scientists.)
Oldest: “This book doesn’t have Stephen Hawking in it!”
Stephen: “CAW! CAW! CAW!”
Me: “Stephen! What are you doing?”
Stephen: “I’m ‘hawking’! I’m Stephen Hawking!”
(This story takes place over text. I’m walking my dog and she eats some horse poop.)
Me: *texting Mom* “[Dog] ate some poop.”
Mom: “Yuck and ugh.”
Me: “I know… I hope it’s worth getting her teeth brushed really well. I think it was horse poo. Just a little bit, but gosh.”
Mom: “Oh, well, horse poo. That’s different. Still gross.”
Me: “Yeah, it was more like hay-ry apples. But very. I got some out of her mouth but any poo is too much to eat. Mare-y Christmas to her. Be home soon.”
Mom: “That’s mare-y funny.”
Me: “Sorry, are you a little hoarse? Okay, I’ve had en-hoof.”
(My husband and I are driving on a road near our house where they are putting up a natural food store right next to a restaurant. It looks like it’s almost touching the restaurant.)
Me: “It looks like they’re spooning one another.”
Husband: “Store sex! Does this mean they’re going to have kiosks?”
(It’s three in the morning when I get a phone call from my best friend. She wakes me about once a week to tell me some weird thing she thought of while she was trying to sleep.)
Friend: “Hey! Guess what I just realized?”
Me: “What?”
Friend: “All bearded dragons come from Australia!”
Me: “And?”
Friend: “That means every bearded dragon is the Lizard of Oz!”
Me: *brief pause* “Oh, my God, [Friend]. Go to bed!”
(My husband and I are at his parents’ place. We all recently received invitations to a gathering of “descendants of Otto von [Mother-In-Law’s maiden name],” and are discussing it.)
Mother-in-Law: “So, all of Otto’s descendants will be there, but his siblings’ families have their own. Apparently, he came to America, established himself, then went back to get one of his brothers, and then another when they had established themselves, until he’d brought his whole family over.”
Father-in-Law: “Sounds like they Otto be grateful to him!”
(He and my husband cracked up; my mother-in-law and I exchanged a look.)
