(My mother’s small dog, whom I love more than most people, is a bit of a pill when it comes to doing his business outside. It’s not that he would rather do it inside; he just sometimes doesn’t seem to want to do it at all, and it’s something of a chore to get him to do a “number two”. I have him out in his yard one afternoon while my mother is doing something else.)
Me: “Come on, buddy. You can do it! Assume the position!”
(I keep up a stream of relative nonsense for a few minutes until my mother comes outside to continue her project. She pauses and watches me.)
Mom: “[My Name], what are you doing?”
Me: “Trying to get [Dog] to do what he needs to do.”
Mom: “By annoying him?”
Me: *pause* “Yeah! I’m harassing the s*** out of him!”
(The look I received could have melted stone.)
Our English Setter has had surgery to repair an ACL injury. She chews on her stitches and manages to pop one. We load her in the car to make the 45-minute drive to the vet, calling ahead to make sure they know we’re coming, as we know we’ll be pushing closing time for them.
We get there a few minutes before close and our vet comes into the waiting room to greet us. He picks up our girl and proclaims dramatically, “What did you do that for, you b****?!”
His vet tech (and we) totally lost it.
And he replaced the stitches with staples for us!
(I am one of few girls who work at my depot, and sometimes my male coworkers like to tease me. It’s all in good fun, and I give as good as I get. On this particular day, I am the only girl working.)
Customer: “You go, girl! Stand up to those bullying guys!”
Me: “Oh, you bet. It’s hard being the only girl sometimes, y’know?” *obviously joking*
Customer: “You know what you should do?”
Me: “What, sir?”
Customer: “You should get them really drunk, wait until they fall asleep…” *dramatic pause*
Me: “…and?”
Customer: “Nail their foreskins to the floor!”
Me: “Umm…”
Customer: “Trust me; it’ll work!”
Me: “Ha… hahaha.”
Customer: “Nah, I’m just joking with you… or am I?” *leaves*
(A few minutes later, my coworker comes up to me and asks why I look so horrified. I tell him what happened, and he responds with:)
Coworker: “So, would that make them floorskins?”
(My boyfriend and I have discussed eventually wanting to get married in the future but never put any plans into motion. So, I order a simple ring with a fried egg on it. Around Christmas, I give it to him.)
Me: “Hey, sweetie, open this.”
Boyfriend: *opening the box* “What is this?”
Me: “It is your egg-agement ring.”
(I got hit with a pillow, but we’ve been happily married for a year now.)
(I am a paramedic.)
Me: *to a patient* “Let me borrow your arm for a blood pressure check, please.”
(The patient extends their arm.)
Partner: “Don’t worry; she’ll give it back.”
Me: “Yeah. I got in way too much trouble last time for not giving it back. The police even chased me!”
Patient: “The police chased you?”
Me: “Yeah! For armed robbery!”
Partner: *groans and slams back doors of the ambulance while walking away*
