The Punning Dead

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2017

(I am chatting with some friends about the TV show “The Walking Dead.”)

Friend: “I gave up watching after season two.”

Me: “Season two was the worst season, but it got so much better after that.”

Friend: “I just got bored; nothing was happening!”

Me: “But it’s so well written, and the characters are really fleshed out.”

Friend: “Until they’re not.”

Me: “Literally.”

“It” Wasn’t Funny The First Time

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(“It” has been playing for the past week. One day, I get a call at the box office.)

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Theater]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *giggling* “Yeah, um… Do you have ‘It’?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Our next show-times are at noon, 3:00 pm, and 7:30 pm.”

Caller: *pause; annoyed* “You were supposed to ask me what ‘It’ was! It was a joke! I wanted to confuse you!”

Me: “Oh, I know. It’s just that we’ve gotten that exact same prank call about ten times a day for the past week and I’m trying not to waste time on them.”

Caller: *click*

Puns Are Bounty-ful

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 9, 2017

(I’m at my friend’s parents’ house, as she is visiting for the week. She lives in London and has been telling me about the crime down her street — often teens smashing up cars, mugging people, and stealing phones. We talk about other things for a bit.)

Me: “When are you going back tomorrow?”

Friend: “Early afternoon. I do not want to be walking down my street in the dark. It’s stupid; I’ll walk from [Parents’ house] to [Other Friend’s house an hour away] in the dark, I’ll walk from Kings Cross to Farringdon in the dark, but I am not stepping down my street in the dark.”

Me: “Well, you know what lurks down your street.” *pause, then in mock disdain* “Yooouuuuths.”

Friend: *mimicking my tone* “Yes, yooouuuuths.” *going back to a normal tone* “That stab people and are actually hard. Not like Norfolk ‘youths’ who just think they’re hard.”

Me: *putting on a higher voice and doing an impression of a typical Norfolk accent* “‘Look at me, lads; I’m so ‘ard. I jus’ stole this Bounty from [Super Cheap Store]!'”

(My friend laughs, and then imitates putting something on her head. I’m nonplussed.)

Friend: *mimicking my tone* “‘Now I’ve got a Bounty on my head!'”

Puns To Make You Go Dementor

, , , , , , , , | Related | October 30, 2017

(I am sitting in the family room with my kids, watching “Inside Out,” when my eight- and nine-year-old sons start talking about the colors of emotions and behaviors, which ends with the following.)

Eight-Year-Old: “Silly must be rainbow.”

Nine-Year-Old: “Yeah. Lonely is white. What color is serious, Mom?”

Me: *amused* “Well, there really is only one color serious could be, isn’t there?”

Eight-Year-Old: *stares down [Nine-Year-Old] as he starts laughing, catching on quickly* “Don’t. Don’t you dare!”

Nine-Year-Old: *ignoring his brother* “Black! Serious is black! Serious Black!”

Eight-Year-Old: *groaning* “I’m going to bed. I’m serious!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “I thought your name was [Eight-Year-Old], but it’s nice to meet you, Sirius.”

Eight-Year-Old: “Gah!” *flops over on floor and covers his ears* “Stop with the Potter puns!”

(The nine-year-old pokes his younger brother’s arm and tries to stop laughing long enough to add in one last comment to the conversation, which, while not Potter-related, is still too good for him to pass up.)

Nine-Year-Old: “Hey… Why so serious?”

(I sent them both to get ready for bed once I could stop laughing long enough.)

Couldn’t Let That Fluttershy Just Flutter By

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 28, 2017

(I’m sitting in the bedroom, listening to my husband play a video game in the next room. It’s a space flight game, and uses a “frame ship drive” to jump between star systems. Because of the voice they used for the computer, it always sounds like “friendship drive” to us. I love puns and wordplay.)

Me: “Hey, hon?”

Husband: *from next room* “Yeah?”

Me: “Your game needs its own show: My Little Spaceship: Frame Ship is Science.”

Husband: *laughs*

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