Kick Them While They’re Down

, , , , | Related | April 7, 2018

(My mum is telling off my younger brother — seven or eight years old — for annoying me, which he takes great delight in. He especially enjoys testing me until he finds my breaking point, before pushing past it and seeing how far he can get before I explode. Severe annoyance can end up with him being tussled/wrestled; we rarely hit each other, but sometimes I will give a light bump on his backside with the side of my foot — more of a tap than anything else — that results in him scuttling out of reach, giggling maniacally.)

Mum: “Why are you teasing your brother? Leave him alone!”

Brother: “I get a kick out of it!”

Mum: “[Brother]!”

Brother: “Yeah, I tease him and he gives me a kick!”

Firing Out Puns

, , , , , | Related | March 21, 2018

(My mom is watching me play a popular video game where you can throw your hat to “capture” different enemies and use their powers. One such enemy throws fireballs. I’m attempting to capture this enemy, but just as I throw my hat, he throws a fireball. The hat knocks the fire back into the enemy, killing it.)

Me: “Well, that backfired.”

(Beat.)

Mom: “Seriously?”

Me: “I swear, I didn’t mean to make a pun!”

Make It An Ex-Pun

, , , , , | Romantic | March 7, 2018

(I’m currently going through a divorce, and my wife is now wanting to take the dog. I tell my friends about this development.)

Me: “[Ex-Wife] is talking about stealing [the dog]. Goody.”

Best Friend: “That’s rough.”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Best Friend: “Not intentionally, but it works, so I’ll claim it.”

Stupid Jerk Humor

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2018

(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

Something Was Lost From Mouth To Mouse

, , , , , | Working | February 20, 2018

(I am collecting my car from having been fixed from a new repair shop. A receptionist is helping me when his computer mouse stops working.)

Me: “Put it next to another mouse. That will make it work.”

(The receptionist does just that.)

Me: “That is mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!”

Receptionist: “It didn’t work.”

(I felt really embarrassed as he just didn’t get the joke.)

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