Sick Of Puns

, , , , , , , | Healthy | February 18, 2019

(This happens to my dad when he is going back to nursing school in his sixties — a story in itself! One time a senior nursing instructor visits the class to give a “very important” presentation. This happens in the late 2000s, and both bird flu and swine flu are of major concern at the time as potential pandemics.)

Senior Instructor: *solemnly, and with a completely straight face* “I need to teach you how to recognize the difference between swine flu and bird flu. If it’s bird flu, you need a tweetment. If it’s swine flu, you need an oinkment!

(The entire class just about busted a gut laughing. My dad said in his entire time in nursing school, this particular instructor was always taciturn and businesslike and NEVER showed this sort of levity, except on this one remarkable occasion.)

Hard Not To Smile

, , , | Learning | February 15, 2019

(One of my students is autistic. His mother puts him in swimming lessons because of his bad motor skills. He fits nicely into the group of children who are neurotypical. They all accept that he always goes last and always triple-asks what the assignment is. He doesn’t get jokes or wordplays, and we need to explain things in a scientific way, such as mentioning the angle that’s best to hold his limbs — numbers included! Today, at the end of the class:)

Student: “My heart is racing!”

(“Heart” in Dutch is “Hart.” It sounds the same as the English word.)

Me: “That’s because you swam so hard today.”

(“Hard” in Dutch is “Hard,” sounding the same as the Dutch word for “Heart.”)

Student: “Yes, I… Heart! Hard! I get it! I get it!” *runs to another teacher* “Teacher, teacher! My heart is racing… because I swam so hard!”

(He then proceeded to go to each and every teacher to tell his wordplay joke. We collectively thought it was utterly adorable.)

 

The Mummy Of All Bad Jokes

, , , , , , | Healthy Right Working | February 11, 2019

(I am answering the phone at an OBGYN office when a woman calls to make an appointment.)

Me: “[Office], how can I help you?”

Woman: *sounding a little nervous but also very excited* “Ah, well, I need an appointment. It’s the strangest thing; I went sightseeing a few months ago, to see the pyramids. I thought I got food poisoning or indigestion from eating things I wasn’t used to. But it’s lasted for a few months, and this morning I glanced in the mirror and thought I looked a little heavier.”

(I can see where this might be heading, and am almost giddy because I can’t believe the fantastic joke opportunity I’m about to have.)

Woman: *continuing* “—so I took a pregnancy test. I think I’m three months pregnant!”

Me: *cheering internally* “Well, ma’am, it sounds like did get sick on your trip.”

Woman: “Oh?”

Me: *holding back laughter* “You caught the Egyptian flu. You’re going to be a mummy!”

Woman: *laughs*

Me: “And congratulations. Let’s figure out your due date and get in your with one of our doctors.”

(As soon as I was done with work, I called my parents to tell them; they were also very amused.)

Technically It’s Bee Vomit, But It’s Still Sweet

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 15, 2019

(My parents rarely show romantic affection towards one another, particularly out in public. We’re all in the family SUV, and we’ve just gone through the drive-thru at a fast food place when I notice my order’s not right.)

Me: “Oh, geez, they forgot the honey for my chicken nuggets.”

Dad: *pats Mom’s leg* “I’ve got my honey right here.”

Mom: “Aw, you’re so sweet!”

Dad: “Just like you; you’re my sweet bee s***.”

They Missed The Joke, Too

, , , , , , , | Related | January 6, 2019

(My mom and I have just left a restaurant, and we notice that the weather has changed when we get outside.)

Me: “Oh, it’s raining. Well, not raining, more like misting?”

Mom: “I missed you.”

Me: *confused* “I missed you, too?”

(Thirty seconds later, once we get in the car…)

Me: “Oh! You mist me!”

Mom: “Did you really just figure that out?”

Me: “I’m going to blame the food.”

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