That Cost You Deer-ly

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 26, 2019

About one weekend a month, I do archery competitions where I walk with a group of four through the forest, shooting foam animals along a path. It’s idyllic, and it’s great to keep up with my archery friends.

One such weekend, the first target to shoot was a deer. We were standing 15 meters from it, one of us aiming, when a woman came screaming from her car which was haphazardly stopped at the side of the road.

Astonished, my friend quickly un-nocked his arrow as she lept between us and the target. We were shocked at her ranting until we deciphered that she was under the impression that our target was a real deer and it was tied in place. We tried to explain and to tell her to turn and look, but she was having none of it.

With other archers coming out of the woods to see what was going on, I slipped past her — a feat in itself because she was still desperate to protect this “poor animal” — and pulled the removable head off the deer.

Rendered speechless for a really long time, she then snapped out of it, yelling at us for shooting at tied-up animals as she stormed back to her car.

The people putting on the shoot traded out the deer — the only target visible from the road — for a two-meter-tall cobra that had been further down the path. No one bothered us about shooting at that thing.

Becoming A Regular Problem

, , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(The library where I work is changing locations since our original building is going to get demolished. During the week we are moving, we are obviously closed to the public as we are boxing up everything, dismantling furniture, and hauling out our entire inventory. All of our regular patrons understand this but one. On Monday, he nudges his way past the maintenance people, who are disassembling the desks, and into the library. It’s clear we’re in a state of upheaval.)

Regular: “Hello [My Name] and [Coworker]. I’d like to return these DVDs and renew these ones. Can you tell me when everything else is due? And then can you place a hold on—“

Me: “[Regular], you can’t be here. You have to get out. We won’t be open until Friday.”

Regular: “But I want to renew—“

Coworker: “Get out; we’re closed. You can’t be here until our reopening at 10 am on Friday.”

(The regular leaves. On Tuesday, he’s literally standing in front of the moving truck as they are handling large, heavy items and is in danger of causing the movers to trip and hurt themselves or him.)

Mover: “Do you guys know anything about that teenager outside?”

Coworker: “God, he’s back?”

Me: “Tell him he can come back when we open on Friday.”

Mover: “I told him, but he won’t go away.”

Coworker: “I’ll go out and talk to him.”

(It takes almost ten minutes, but she convinces him to leave. On Wednesday, we’re inside setting things up and working on displays. He pushes his face against the window in the door and stares at us until we’re forced to acknowledge him.)

Coworker: “[Regular], we’ve told you every single day this week. You CAN’T be here.”

Regular: “But I just want to look around.”

Coworker: “Go home.”

Regular: “Hey, can [My Name] come out? I saw her through the window. I want to talk to her.”

Coworker: “She can’t come out. We have to work, and you have to leave.”

Regular: “But I want to talk to [My Name].”

(My coworker looks at me, and I shake my head vigorously.)

Coworker: “She says ‘Hi.’ Now you have to leave.”

(He finally leaves. On Thursday, I draw all the curtains shut before working on the final tasks that need do before our grand opening.)

Director: “Let’s open these curtains and let in some light!” *she proceeds to do so*

Me: “I’m not comfortable with opening the curtains. One of our regulars has been basically stalking us all week. He’s been peeking through the windows and asking that we come outside and talk with him. I want to do everything we can to discourage that kind of behavior.”

Director: “Nonsense! That’s what windows are for!” *she opens all the curtains* “And don’t you dare close them!”

(I was too shocked that she believes windows are made for peeping to protest. That afternoon, sure enough, our regular returns. He crouches by the very windows I had shaded, since this is a split level facility, and presses his face against the glass. He waves at us whenever we happen to even remotely move in his direction, and he makes obvious gestures that he wants us to either open the door or just let him into the building. After thirty minutes of him doing this, [Coworker #2], who is unaware of the situation since this is her first day working since the move, opens the door to take some trash outside. The regular immediately pushes past her and into the building.)

Coworker #2: “Woah, hey, [Regular], you can’t be in here!”

Regular: “Cool place you guys have!” *he goes right to the movies* “Got any new movies in?”

Me: “[Regular], get out. You can’t be here! You know this! We told you we don’t open until ten o’clock on Friday.”

Regular: “I saw you guys inside and I figured you’re open.” *pulls out a movie* “Can I check this out?”

Coworker: “Get out!”

Regular: “So I can’t check this out?”

All Three of Us: “Get out!”

(He finally left. On Friday, he loitered outside our door from eight am until the grand re-opening at ten, trying to convince every staff member who was busy with prep work to let him in and talk with him.)

Stressing Over The Dressing

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(Two little old ladies walk up to the registers. I get the one in blue, and my coworker gets the one in pink. It’s the last half hour or so of what’s been a really long shift full of angry people stressed over vacations/school beginning/etc.)

Me: “Good afternoon! Will you be dining in with us today?”

Blue: “I’d like a salad.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Which salad would you like?”

Blue: “I’m not from here. I’m not familiar with your choices.”

Me: “Not a problem! We’ve got three salads—“ *I point at their slots on the menu board and name them* “—and we can add or take away ingredients if you need us to.”

Blue: *huffs angrily* “I just want a salad!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but as I said, we’ve got three. Which one would you like?”

Blue: *absolutely steaming now* “Just a salad!” *finally stares at the board* “I’ll take the one in the picture.”

Me: “Absolutely. What sort of dressing would you like?”

Blue: *snarling* “Thousand. Island.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid we don’t have Thousand Island. The rest of our dressings are listed under—“


(I smile, but I know if I go any further with this lady I will say something I absolutely regret. I call my manager over and go stand next to one of my coworkers in the corner until the lady moves away.)

Manager: “What happened?”

Me: “I asked her what salad and dressing she wanted.”

Coworker: “Literally that’s all she did.”

Manager: “That’s what she said. She said you kept asking what salad and dressing she wanted.” *he looks at the clock* “You wanna go home ten minutes early?”

Me: “Nothing would bring me more pleasure.”

The Alarm Has Been Terminated

, , , , , | Legal | March 25, 2019

(A call about a burglar alarm going off at three am comes over the radio for my partner and me to respond to. We coordinate our approach and arrival together and check the outside of the house. We notice the back door is cracked open, but both locks have been set and are still in the “locked” position. There is no sign of force, so we radio in that we are making entry. We work each room together, and as we come to one of the back bedrooms, my partner is going in first and hasn’t even broken the threshold when we hear a voice shout out.)


(The next thing I know, my partner fires off three rounds, with me dropping to a knee and coming around the side of him)

Partner: “GET DOWN! GET DOWN! Ge– Oh, s***.”

(That’s when I noticed he had just shot a stand-up cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Terminator holding a shotgun and, after my ears stopped ringing completely, I heard a lot of squawking and crashing. Turns out it was the home of a retired police officer from another state and his parrot was taught to say police terms. He and the wife were on vacation and they hadn’t shut the back door completely, which set off the alarm that night. The house was cleared with no one in it, and the PD paid to patch the holes in the wall. From then on, anytime we saw him we’d say, “SQUAWK! DON’T SHOOT!”)

Check On Batman’s Utility Belt, Next To The Shark Repellant

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(A customer catches me off guard with this gem:)

Customer: “You carry replacement eyes?”

Me: *feeling very much like I missed some important information* “Sorry? Replacement eyes?”

Customer: “Yeah, I figured they’d be right here but I don’t see any. You got ’em?”

Me: *struggling like hell to figure out what he’s talking about* “Are you talking about a photocell for an outdoor light? Maybe a garage door sensor?”

Customer: “No, new bird eyes!”

Me: “New… bird… eyes.”

Customer: “Yeah! Those! Where have you got ’em?”

(I look around, starting to wonder if I’m being pranked. We get quite a few customers who like to be silly or ask nonsense questions just to see how we’ll react. I decide to play along… cautiously.)

Me: “What kind of bird are we looking for new eyes for?”

Customer: “It’s an owl.”

(Suddenly I feel really stupid. I realize he’s talking about the fake plastic owls you put in a garden to keep smaller birds away.)

Me: “Yes! The fake plastic owls?”

Customer: *wondering how I could be so dense, after such an excellent description* “Well, yeah!”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t carry new eyes for the owls. The whole bird is only $5.99. I think they assume that if the eyes fall off, the rest of the bird is in pretty bad shape as well and in need of replacement.”

Customer: “Well, there’s nothing wrong with mine except that the eyes are gone. It’d be pretty wasteful to toss him out when all he needs is new eyes!”

Me: *good lord he’s gotten so attached, he’s assigned it a gender* “Sorry, sir, we don’t carry them. Even if they could be special ordered they would probably cost half as much as a replacement bird after shipping.”

Customer: *sighs deeply* “Fine. How about bird repellent?”

Me: *thrilled to have a clue this time* “We don’t carry bird specific repellant, but I think we have something that’ll work for you.” *I show him to the area where it’s kept* “Here we go!”

Customer: “Naw, naw, this won’t work. Where have you got the duck repellent?”

Me: “Duck repellent? We don’t carry bird specific spray repellant, sir. I would go with this general animal spray. The scent keeps them away.”

Customer: “Naw, I need the duck stuff. Where is it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t carry duck repellent.”

Customer: “No duck stuff?” *looking all over the shelf, obviously certain I’m lying or trying to hoard it all for myself* “I can’t believe you don’t carry that!”

Me: “To be honest, sir, we don’t get much call for duck repellent.”

Customer: *half to himself* “Man, can’t believe you guys don’t have that in stock. If ya did everyone would buy it.”

Me: “Sorry. If there’s anything else I can do to help let me know!”

(He walks away. I return to our service desk, where a coworker is standing.)

Me: “You ever heard of replacement bird eyes? Or duck repellent?”

Coworker: “What? Are you f****** with me?”

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