Suddenly Feeling Very Sorry For That Sister

, , , | | Right | May 14, 2019

(I work in a small cigar store that doesn’t have the space for a public restroom. The one we do have is for employees only because it is in the back with the rest of the stock. A customer comes up to the counter.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “No! I need to pee. Where is your bathroom?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but the only one we have is for employees only.”

(The customer stands by quietly while I finish ringing up his purchase.)

Customer: *unintelligible grumbling* “…right here!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Customer: “I said, ‘What if I peed right here?’ I don’t know if I can hold it.”

Me:Please do not pee here, sir!”

Customer: *as he’s walking out* “I’ll call my sister! She’ll know what to do!”

No Haven From Tigers

, , , , , | | Related | May 13, 2019

(I spend a summer in college working as a tour guide for my school, and I like everything about it except for some of the parents. One day when I am manning the front desk of the Visitor’s Office, I get the following call around 9:50.)

Caller: “I’m trying to find your office for the 10:00 free tour, and I can’t find it anywhere! Our daughter needs to be on this tour. We’re at the right address.”

Me: “Well, that’s odd. Just to confirm, you’re at [address]?”

Caller: “Yes, [address], North Haven. And we’ve been looking all over!”

Me: “Ah, that explains it. We’re in New Haven, not North Haven.”

Caller: *yelling at the other person in car* “You idiot, we’re in the wrong town! Put in the address for New Haven, and you’d better hope we get there on time.” *to me* “Do you think we’ll get there on time? [College] is our daughter’s first-choice college, and she needs to be on this tour!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure, ma’am, but I hope to see you soon!”

Caller: *degenerates into unintelligible bickering with the driver as she hangs up*

(At 10:30, the family of three bursts into the office, husband and wife sniping at each other. They stride up to my desk:)

Caller: “Has the tour left yet?”

Me: “Sorry, at this point it would be difficult to catch up to them.”

Caller: *looking stricken* “Our daughter has her heart set on your school! Is there any way we can get a tour today?”

Manager: “Well, you can pay $100 for a private tour.”

Caller: “Yes, thank you, we’ll do that! Anything for our girl.”

(As they paid my manager and arranged the tour, I looked down at their daughter. She looked back up at me — from her stroller! The girl was clearly two or three years old, and I doubt she could even say the word “college” yet, let alone have a first-choice school.)

Using Her Outside Voice

, , , , | | Right | May 13, 2019

(This happens about two minutes before we close. My coworkers and I are in the back of our department in the garden section discussing the recent World Cup match with Portugal when we hear a customer yelling.)

Customer: “Hello?! HELLO?!”

(A coworker and I walk around to see what is going on. Finally, we find the yelling customer in the middle of the department just standing by the Vincas — a type of flower. She is already very clearly upset about something.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, did you need any help?”

Customer: “Yes, I want these in white but you don’t have any in here; they are only outside.”

(I don’t realize that the gate is locked.)

Me: “Well, then, you can grab them from outside. They should be on the first table to the right as soon as you walk out the gate.”

Customer: “Well, how am I supposed to get out there?!”

(I now see the gate locked.)

Me: “Oh, I am sorry. They did not tell us that they had locked our gate. We can go around there and see them if you’d like. We can go through our service gate over here.”

Coworker: “How many did you want? I can run out there and get them for you.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t f****** know until I see them! You know what? F*** it! F*** both of you. Obviously, no one wants to help me. I am done shopping at [Company]. You just don’t care about the customers!”

(She stormed off while giving us both the finger, leaving my coworker and me just standing there with our jaws open.)


You Need A Knife For People Who Like It Sliced

, , , , | | Right | May 10, 2019

(I deliberately hide my name tag at work because I also have a side job online where I really REALLY don’t want people knowing my real name. None of my coworkers know of this side job, either. If someone asks for my name, or if there is something weird going on where a manager or cashier might need to know I was the one that helped them, I, of course, give it to them. I’m working on salads at a far corner of the deli area while a coworker is standing right in front of the counter when this happens. Note: this customer is definitely not a regular.)

Customer: “Hey, [My Name]!”

Me: *dropping what I’m doing and putting on my best fake smile while I try to figure out how I would know this person* “Hi!”

Customer: “Can you remember what I got last time?”

Me: “You know, my memory doesn’t seem to be as good as yours. What do you need?”

Customer: “Okay, let’s see if you can remember this.” *gives decent-sized order all while grinning like a very creepy maniac* “And you know how I like it sliced.”

(I do my normal setting for people who don’t actually know what they want and hold it up.)

Me: “Like this?”

Customer: “You know me so well!” *wink*

(He wanders off while I do his order. My coworker walks up to me.)

Coworker: “Who’s that?”

Me: “I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I’m just going to sleep with a knife under my pillow tonight.”

GPS = Global Profiting System

, , , , | | Right | May 10, 2019

(I’m at our local video store with my sister who is renting something. This guy walks in and rushes past the desk with his smartphone volume up loudly — and it’s his GPS talking to him, giving him directions.)

Me: “I guess he’s taking the scenic route?”

Cashier: “Yeah, we pay Google Maps to have people stop at our store along the way.”

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