Call-Back Attack

, , , , , | Right | October 3, 2017

(I work as a secretary for a fairly high-end salon.)

Me: “[Salon], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I think I missed a call from your number and wanted to call you back and make sure.”

Me: *hasn’t made any outgoing calls* “No, ma’am, but if you would tell me the reason for your call, perhaps I could help?”

Caller: “Oh, no! I’ll wait! You can call me back.”

Me: “But, ma’am…”

Caller: “It’s okay. You can call me back.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Okay. Goodbye.”

(I learned later that this woman made four of these calls, and all she really wanted was to reschedule her appointment, which I could have done if she had said anything.)

The Stygian Void Is Female

, , , , , | Learning | October 3, 2017

(I am currently taking a female modernist literature course. During one of our class discussions, our professor gives off a list of words, and after each one, we are to name its “opposite.” Afterwards, she says which side is stereotypically associated with the male or female gender. It is pretty basic at first: sun/moon, reason/illogical, etc. Then, the professor gets to the word “soul.”)

Professor: “How about ‘soul?’ Anyone?”

Classmate #1: “‘Body?’”

Classmate #2: “I’d say ‘body.’”

(This is echoed by my fellow classmates, save one girl who speaks up in a dark voice.)

Classmate #3: “THE ABYSS.”

(Everyone stops talking for a second and stares at her. The girl just sits there, smiling as if she’s done nothing unusual.)

Classmate #1: “I like hers better!”

(The classroom agreed and the professor happily jotted it down.)

Being Weird Won’t Kill You

, , , , , , | Working | October 2, 2017

(I’m a research student, and I am also employed by the university to help prep labs for undergraduate classes and take care of the lab animals. It’s worth noting that I have a fairly dark sense of humor, and occasionally make ridiculous statements that I have no intention of following through on. It’s been a terrible day, and I’ve just gotten even more bad news.)

Me: “G**d*** it! I want to murder something!”

(My lab manager is silent for a few minutes, and I start to worry that I’ve scared her.)

Me: “I don’t actually want to kill anything; I’m just upset. Sorry I freaked you out.”

Manager: “Huh? Oh, you didn’t scare me. I was trying to think what we had that you could kill. Normally I’d have you gas the extra fruit flies from the undergrad genetics lab, but they won’t start that lab for another few weeks. We don’t put any of the lab mice or fish down unless they’re sick and at risk of infecting the rest of the population. We have a couple of plants in the greenhouse that got mites and need to be thrown out. I guess you could shred those, but it’s not exactly cathartic. Maybe you could re-pot the botany department’s soybeans? At least you’d get to stab the potting soil.”

(By that point I was laughing too hard to be upset. Nice to know my manager is so willing to roll with my occasional weirdness!)

Rise Of The Mummory

, , , , | Friendly | October 1, 2017

(I have almost no verbal filter, and, as such, I tend to say the first thing that comes into my head. I also have no shame, and am rarely embarrassed by anything I come out with. One day at school, I am sitting at a table with two friends and we are talking. I am a girl and my friends are both boys.)

Me: “I realised the other day that mums are called mummies because they have mammary glands.”

Friend #1: *puts his head in his hands and gazes downwards for several seconds, finding his voice* “That’s certainly very novel. Want a cookie?”

Me: *grinning* “But…”

(I trail off, not sure where I’m going with this. The conversation turns in a different direction. A few minutes later…)

Me: “But why not call them ‘mummory’ glands? Or ‘mammies’?”

Friend #2: “Just be quiet!”

Friend #1: “You’re listing off a whole bunch of fetishes right now. Like, all of them.”

This Kind Of Weirdness Can’t Fit In A Box

, , , , | Right | September 29, 2017

Customer: “I have six boxes I want to ship. Can you do that?”

Me: “Sure, we can.”

Customer: “Okay. They might be heavy; I have a lot of clothes in them.”

Me: “That’s okay; the max weight for shipping out is 150 pounds.”

Customer: “Oh. I have a lot of cotton clothes. But there’s six boxes.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have them here?”

Customer: “No. But you’ll be able to tell me, right?”

Me: “Tell you what?”

Customer: “Yeah… see, ’cause I have to send all these costumes back, and some of them are heavy, like one of them is 7 pounds on its own, but most of the other clothes are just cotton.”

Me: “…oh.”

Customer: “So, you’ll have an idea, right?”

Me: “An idea of what?”

Customer: “Of the cost.”

Me: “Oh, well I can create an estimate. Where’s it going?”

Customer: “California.”

Me: “Okay, do you have the zip code?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have the address?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I’ll need one or the other in order to get a proper quote for you. Do you have it saved in your phone or something?”

Customer: “No. But yeah. You can get an idea. Yeah, there’s a lot of clothes that I’m sending, and I’m so mad that I have to send them all back. It’ll probably be 150 pounds once I fill all the boxes.”

(I kind of want her to stop talking, since I don’t even know how to respond to her, so I type in 90210 as the zip code so that I can give her some kind of quote.)

Me: “This quote isn’t totally accurate, because I just put in 90210 for the zip code, but it’s coming up to [price]. That’s for six boxes at this size, all equaling 150 pounds.”

Customer: “WHAT?! That’s so expensive! How much would it cost to send it Canada Post?”

Me: “I’m not sure; you’d have to go to the post office.”

Customer: “Because this guy, his size is like 34x34x34! Like, you’ve got to be joking! So I put the pants on and they come up to my neck! I was so mad! I can’t wear these! They said they’d send me 50 bucks to mail them back, but there’s so many costumes!”

Me: “…oh.”

Customer: “But, oh my gosh, you’ve been so helpful! Thank you so much! Oh my gosh, I’m so happy now! Thanks!”

(She leaves and I turn to my coworker:)
Me: “That was weird.”

Page 9/40First...7891011...Last
« Previous
Next »