You’ve Broken Your Career Ceiling

, , , , | Working | September 2, 2017

(Our store warehouse has two floors. However, due to the size of the first floor, only people of a certain height are permitted to go up. All of this occurs on the radios we use talk to each other.)

Coworker: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes?”

Coworker: “Umm, [Coworker] is stuck.”

Boss: “Stuck? How is he stuck?”

Coworker: “His head is in the ceiling.”

Boss: “WHAT?!”

Coworker: “[Supervisor] bet him that he couldn’t walk upstairs in the warehouse.”

Boss: “Of course he did… is he hurt?”

Coworker: “He’s laughing…”

Boss: “[My Name] and I will be right over.”

(Both [Coworker] and [Supervisor] were suspended without pay, and the entire first floor was stripped and moved to the ground floor. The first floor is now closed off, but people sneak in to take secret naps. Apparently, [Coworker] did get his money for winning the bet.)

Doing A Real Job On Your Boss  

, , , | Working | August 25, 2017

(The department I work for has a set Monday through Friday routine but the hours are decided at the last minute. I absolutely love the company and am a temp when the following occurs. Mind you, it is exceptionally difficult to get hired into this company and they go through at least a dozen temps a week.)

Me: *walking up to the boss* “Um, so I finished [Job One] and it’s all ready to be sent out. What did you want me to do next? I know [Job Two] really needs to be done so you want me to get on that or…?”

Boss: *picking up his personal belongings* “You do whatever the f*** you feel like. I’m done with this s*** today.”

Me: *shocked* “Um… what? Really?”

Boss: “Yep! I’m f***in’ done! Bye!”

(And with that he walks off leaving me standing there with my mouth agape. Unsure of what to do or if he’s kidding or not, I grab Job Two, pull it to a secluded station, put my headphones in, and set to work. No one bothers me the entire day and at the end I feel as if I accomplished a lot. I go home and return the following morning to find the boss in a foul mood and muttering fiercely to himself. At one point I hear him mutter something about “and gotta get all the s*** for Job Two done,” at which point I interrupt him.)

Me: *cheerfully* “Oh, hey, there isn’t much left to do with [Job Two]. I got most of it done yesterday! Didn’t put any in cartons because I wasn’t sure where they were kept but—”

Boss: *interrupting me* “Bull-s***! Do you know how much needs to be done on that job?!” *viciously* “There is no way you got that much done in one f***in’ day!”

(He starts yanking apart the carts where the work was being kept only to become incensed when he discovers ALL of it has been moved.)

Boss: *rounding on me with a look of pure fury* “WHERE IS IT?! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?!”

(I am rather terrified at this point but start backing up towards the secluded station.)

Me: *nervously* “I, uh… wasn’t sure what to do yesterday and, uh, I know this job was a pretty big priority so I–” *reaching the carts I’d used the day before I start pulling them apart so he has a direct view of their contents* “–just wrapped almost all of them yesterday. It wasn’t that hard and I only have about fifty or so left.”

Boss: *still furious* “You did this? You?!”

Me: *even more nervously* “Um, yeah. I… didn’t, um, know what else to do so… yeah.”

Boss: *suddenly looking directly at me* “You came in at seven yesterday. I know you did! What time did you leave?”

Me: *feeling like I’m about to be fired* “Um, well, the schedule has been a little crazy lately… I came in at seven and we’ve been leaving at five all week, so I thought that would be a safe time to get off. And, uh, lunch has been a bit erratic too but… the day before yesterday I got to have an hour which was kinda nice so… I took an hour yesterday. And breaks have been pretty much the same, so I took both of them. And, um, yeah. Wasn’t too sure what else I was supposed to do.”

(The boss looks at me for a long moment then suddenly whirls around and practically sprints up to his desk where my coworker has collected all of our times for the previous day. The boss demands to see mine then quickly demands to know who else worked on the job with me to which my coworkers responds that no one else has recorded time for that job. My boss stares intently at my times then takes off for another part of the building. It is unclear whether or not I am supposed to follow him so I simply stand there and wait. A few moments later he returns pulling a pallet full of Job Three. He gives me a look that clearly means I am to follow him so I do. He wordlessly drags the product to the secluded station, throws the instructions onto the pallet, then storms off. At this point I don’t think I’m being fired so I’ve calmed down quite a bit. I pick up the instructions and quickly realize that Job Two and Job Three are nearly identical in their instructions. I take my time to ensure I have all my materials before starting. I can also tell the boss is intently watching me at first but I pointedly ignore him, return to my station, and quickly find my rhythm for the job. Half an hour into our shift, Coworker #1 shows up late, as usual. Two hours into my shift my boss comes storming back into my area, furious again.)

Boss: *yelling* “Just f***ing forget it! I need you to do–”

(He stops short and looks in open astonishment between the pallet of unfinished work and the pallet of finished work.)

Boss: *pointing at the unfinished pallet in shock* “Is that all you have left?!”

Me: *calmy* “Unless there’s more I don’t know about, yes. I have three more cartons to go out of the twenty needed and it is due today. Should take me about half an hour or so to finish it all up. Why? Did you need something?”

Boss: *looking flabbergasted* “You’re almost done! How?!”

(I really don’t know how to respond to this because I am not working at break-neck speed. I am working at a comfortable pace for me while still occasionally taking time to go to the bathroom and, on one occasion, walking to the break-room to grab a treat which is, from what I’ve observed, actions that others do without being punished or reprimanded. So I just look at him with my best clueless expression and shrug. In response he quickly grabs several of the completed cartons and starts cutting them open. Inside are the carefully wrapped packages and he rifles through several boxes looking more and more amazed. I am not too perturbed at his actions because he is not damaging or mixing up the product and it will only take a second to tape the carton up again. After several cartons of this he turns and looks at me with a shocked expression.)

Boss: “You did it! But how?! It takes [Coworker #1] three days to do this exact same work!” *looks again at the open boxes then back at me* “I can’t believe you did it! Uh, just finish up here and… come see me when you’re done so I can show you how to do [Job Four].”

(From then on my boss pretty much left me alone. He’d give me work then just let me complete it at my own speed and I was the only temp allowed to work overtime all by myself which was a little exciting. Of course, it didn’t take long for me to get hired!)

HR Is Sexier Than You Think

, , , , , | Working | August 22, 2017

(This happens to my husband. One of his male coworkers, Coworker #1, in the warehouse where he works, has a birthday that week so there is a card going around for everyone to sign. Since he is good friends with Coworker #1, he jokingly writes ‘happy birthday, you sexy bitch’ in the card and then passes it along. About 20 minutes later, he is talking to a different coworker.)

Coworker #2: “Hey, did you sign the card for [Older Female Employee in HR]?”

(She is way on the other side of the casino and they have never given a card to her before, so he didn’t know it is her birthday.)

Husband: “No, but I signed [Coworker #1]’s.”

Coworker #2: “We don’t have one for him yet, though. Only [HR Employee].”

Husband: “…Oh, my god.”

(He runs to his manager.)

Husband: “DO YOU STILL HAVE THE CARD FOR [HR employee]?!”

Manager: “Yeah, why?”

Husband: “BECAUSE I WROTE ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU SEXY B****’ IN IT!”

Manager: “What?! Why?!”

Husband: *taking the card and furiously scribbling out the inappropriate message* “BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR [COWORKER #1]!”

Manager: *laughing* “You’re lucky I hadn’t sent it over yet.”

Listen Here!

| The Netherlands | Working | February 23, 2017

(While moving heavy objects back into their original storage.)

Boss: “Don’t put that stuff in here!”

Coworker: “All right. Where should we put it?”

Boss: “Not here!”

Coworker: “Yes, but where should we put it, then?”

Boss: “NOT HERE!”

Payback Puns

| Little Rock, AK, USA | Working | January 10, 2017

(I work in a large warehouse where the environment is pretty informal, as we don’t interact directly with customers. My supervisor and I are talking with a trainer who is checking up on a new hire when the subject of pets comes up.)

Trainer: “I have a new puppy. I named her Sonya.”

Supervisor & Me: “After Sonya Blade?”

Trainer: “Yeah. She’s tough and fit, just like Sonya Blade.”

Me: “You should have named her Payback. It’s the perfect name for a female dog.”

Trainer: “Really? And why is that?”

Me: “Because Payback’s a b****.”

Trainer: *facepalms* “I’m going to see how the new hire is doing.”

Supervisor: *after he stops laughing* “That was great!”

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