The Guy’s A Real Animal. Period.

, , , , , | Working | July 9, 2020

I have a really stupid coworker who is so slow doing the most basic jobs in the warehouse, like putting stickers on products, that he gets sent to my department to “help” me in the hope that my fast-speed and no-talk attitude at work will get him to do something in his workday.

I have him packing orders I’ve already picked and he keeps trying to talk to me. I am female; he is male. The tone in my voice by this point is very blunt and not happy, but for some reason, he keeps trying to be friends.

Coworker: “I love volunteering for [Non-Profit Animal Organisation].”

Me: “Cool.”

Coworker: “Yeah, but I just saw that there’s a rescuer up the road for a little owl.”

Me: “Okay.”

Coworker: “I was thinking I would go help but I don’t have a car today and caught the train in.”

I make a vague “hmm” noise.

Coworker: “Someone is already taking care of it but I was thinking I would go and take over. I could take it home on the train and drop it at the vet on my way home.”

Me: “That’s stupid. You’re at work now and that person probably has a car and won’t traumatise the poor thing on a packed train for forty minutes. Just. Do. Your. Job.”

Coworker: “Oh, yeah. Just a moral dilemma, you know?”

Me: “Nup.”

He stays quiet for about two whole minutes and then suddenly gives me this gem.

Coworker: “You know, I don’t get grossed out like other guys about girl stuff. Like, I don’t get grossed out about periods, so if you want to talk about your period with me, you can.”

I just walked upstairs to management and asked if he could go anywhere else. My manager responded with a smile, trying not to laugh at my expression, and said, “He’s annoying you that much, huh?”

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Unfiltered Story #197563

, , | Unfiltered | June 23, 2020

(I have just been given my first trainee earlier in the shift. He’s doing pretty well, but there is a *lot* of small details that become second nature after a while that are hard to keep track of. Since I’m not always easily available, I told him that he can ask anyone questions, which he has done already. One of my coworkers has just reminded me to tell him something else.)

Me: “Oh, and, just so you know, while it’s fine to ask anyone for help, don’t take unsolicited advice.” *He starts to look nervous.* “It’s fine, no one’s malicious about it, but we tend to be a rather sarcastic bunch. No one will answer a question wrong, but random advice is probably over half sarcastic. Just… Use your judgement. If it seems wrong or stupid or contradicts something I told you, come ask me. Most of it’s pretty obvious. It’s just that this *is* night shift in a secured building, and we tend to make our own fun.”

*He nods his understanding just as another coworker I’m quite friendly with comes by.*

Coworker: “Hello there! Got any spare cable ties here?”

*There is a bucket of cable ties in it’s usual position barely five steps from me, which he heads right towards.*

Me: *In a sugary sweet, obviously sarcastic tone of voice* “Sorry, just used the last one. I think you’re going to have to go down past [section on the other side of the warehouse] to find any more.”

Coworker: *laughs* “Good to know. I’ll head right there, then!” *He then grabs a handful of cable ties and goes back in the direction he came from.*

Me: *pauses for a moment, then turns to trainee* “Like that. Don’t listen to anything like that, okay?”

Hamming It Up For The Boss

, , , , , | Working | April 28, 2020

(I’m the OP of this story. I’ve never worked for employers who could be both so generous and so greedy at the same time before that place.

On Good Friday one year — after I’d been hired full-time — the big boss announces that they’ve bought hams for Easter for all the employees, well over 100 people.

Toward the end of the day, my boss tells me to go see the warehouse manager and get my ham.

I head downstairs and find the warehouse manager beaming like Santa Claus.)

Warehouse Manager: “You here for the ham?”

Me: “Yes.”

Warehouse Manager: “Here you go.”

(I take my ham back upstairs. My boss sees me and does a double-take.) 

Boss: “Where’d you get that?”

Me: “From [Warehouse Manager].”

Boss: “[Warehouse Manager] gave that to you? What’d he say?”

Me: “He asked me if I was there for the ham. I said yes and he said, ‘Here ya go.’”

(The boss got a weird look on his face and left. I didn’t know what was going on. Less than ten minutes had passed since I’d talked to him last. I wondered if this was some elaborate prank that had gone wrong. 

Joke was on them, though. Turns out management had bought fancy-dancy honey-baked hams for the employees. But they had bought even fancier-dancier spiral-cut hams for themselves. They forgot to mention this to the warehouse manager. 

He gave me the last one.)

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In The Spirit Of Fellowship With Coworkers

, , , , , , | Working | April 27, 2020

This prank on a coworker required a degree of sophistication, preparation, and a little engineering but it came off great. [Target] is in charge of shipping and receiving and works in the warehouse area of our office. [Target] is, I guess you would say, easily spooked, which makes him the perfect candidate.

I rigged up a zip line in the back warehouse, constructed a shape of something resembling a ghost with a wig head and sheet, attached it to the zip line so that it would zoom across the warehouse where it would be captured by our security cameras. I had to put up the zip line for testing and take it down so it wouldn’t be detected during the day.

I finally got it to where Tristan — the name we gave our ghost — would sail across the warehouse at the right speed. The trick was how to get Tristan to release in the middle of the night where he would be captured with a time stamp on our cameras that had night vision. I tied a restraining cord to Tristan and put the other end of the cord in a frozen bottle of water. This way, as the ice turned into water, the string would release and Tristan would complete his journey.

It worked perfectly. So now, we had this video of some unidentified form drifting across the warehouse in the middle of the night on our camera systems.

The next day at work my coworkers [Accomplice #1], [Accomplice #2], and [Target] were in the office chatting. [Accomplice #1] casually mentioned how tired she was because she received a call from our security monitoring company around 4:00 am saying that motion had been detected in our back warehouse.

While they were chatting, [Accomplice #1] began reviewing video footage from the warehouse from the night before. The cameras only record if there is an event, so it wasn’t hard to find the right spot on the footage. Sure enough, at 4:08 am, there was Tristan soaring across the warehouse. The first time they saw it, it was a WTF moment. They ran the footage back.

When [Target] saw it again, there was a momentary pause, then bye! [Target] proceeded to walk back to his area, grab his things, and walk out.

“You tell [Boss] she’s gonna have to get somebody else,” he said, and he proceeded to get in his car and leave. He was gone before anyone had a chance to explain. Finally, after we reached [Target]’s cell phone and explained, he did agree to come back. He was a good sport about it but has sworn revenge on me.

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Would You Rather Work With Weirdos Or Creeps?

, , , , , | Working | April 24, 2020

([Coworker #1] and I have an ongoing game where we ask each other “would you rather” questions. Usually, we ask a question in passing and no one else is around. It starts off with “Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant or in his shower drain?” and “Would you rather be a parasitic tick or a bloodsucking leech?”

It has progressed to weirder and weirder questions. Today we are sitting in the lunch room together and I don’t realise that [Coworker #2] has just walked into the room.)

Coworker #1: “Would you rather eat someone else’s eyes from their head or have your eyes gouged out with forks?”

Me: *answers* “Would you rather be shoved up someone else’s a** or have someone shoved up yours?”

Coworker #2: “Nope. No lunch for me today.” *walks out*

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