Ordering A Cake For Admiral Longsword

, , , , , , | Right | November 17, 2019

(I pick up the phone and get treated to this conversation:)

Me: “[Bakery]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah, my friends and I wanted to order a sheet cake for our buddies who are coming back from serving overseas in the army.”

Me: “All right, let me just get some information from you.”

(I ask him for details about what kind of cake he wants and he answers.)

Customer: “And you can write a message on the cake, right?”

Me: “Yeah. What do you want it to say?”

Customer: “Okay, we want it to say, ‘Thanks for standing tall and proud…'”

(I think I can hear him snickering slightly, which confuses me.)

Customer: “‘Your long, hard ordeal is finally over.'”

(Now, I can hear other people in the background trying to stifle laughter.)

Customer: “And then we… And then we want their names written on it.”

Me: *not buying it anymore* “Uh-huh.”

Customer: “Staff Sergeant Rod Johnson, Private Jimmy Wang, Rifleman Dick Peters, Gunner’s Mate Willy Cox.”

(The guy on the phone and his buddies were all cracking up.)

Me: “Aren’t you forgetting Schmuck Phallusworth? Or is that who I’m speaking to?”

(Bellows of outrageous laughter erupted from the phone before I hung up.)

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It’s Never Crunch Time

, , , , , | Right | November 17, 2019

(I work night-shift as a doughnut fryer. I don’t see people often, but when I do, I try to be extra helpful. It is about 11:00 pm.)

Customer: “Do you know where the crunchies are?”

Me: “Crunchies? Um, I don’t think so. Can you describe them?”

Customer: “They’re like apple pie, but with oatmeal on top.”

(I ponder for a moment, for that could apply to a great many things we make. Then it hits me. Cobbler. She means cobbler. Interesting fact: our store’s kitchen actually makes the cobbler. So, I show her where it is.) 

Me: “Here it is. The kitchen labeled it ‘cobbler’ but I think this may be what you are looking for.”

Customer: *sneers* “Yes, it is, but in my family, we call it crunchies.”

(Then, she walked away all snooty. All I could think was, “Yeah, but if you want people to understand you, you call it what everyone else f****** does.”)

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Sadly, No Market For Irregular Rolls

, , , , , | Right | November 16, 2019

(At our bakery, we have fourteen different kinds of bread rolls. Most customers are polite if this catches them off guard, but this same conversation happens multiple times a week.)

Me: “Good afternoon. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for rolls.”

Me: “What kind of rolls are you looking for? We have lots of different kinds of rolls.”

Customer: “I don’t know, the rolls! The rolls!”

Me: “Can you describe it to me?”

Customer: “Just the regular rolls! The rolls!”

Me: *coming from behind the counter* “Okay, let’s go down the list. Starting at the top, we have dinner rolls—”

Customer: “I just want regular rolls!” *finally holds up hands in a shape specific enough for me to know what they’re looking for*

Me: “Ah, I believe you want our sub rolls!” *hands them a bag from the shelf*

Customer: “Yes, regular rolls!” *walks off*

(Unfortunately, every one of these customers has a different idea of which roll is the “regular” one.)

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Not Taking The Call Should Be Their Calling

, , , | Right | November 11, 2019

(I work in a bakery. It’s a slow afternoon at a basically empty store when a couple enters. I stop the tasks I’m doing and head to attend them. The moment the woman starts ordering, her phone rings.)

Customer: *holds up one finger* “Oh, one moment, please!”

(She takes two steps back, pulls out her phone, and answers it. Her partner and I exchange dumbfounded stares. After a few minutes, she comes back and actually orders. After she has paid, I return to what I was doing before, but as the store is pretty much empty I can still hear them while she is putting sugar into her coffee.)

Customer’s Partner: “You don’t do that! That was rude; you don’t answer your phone when you’re in the process of talking to someone!”

Customer: “Well, what was I supposed to do?!”

Customer’s Partner: “You don’t answer! You can call back after you’re done, but what you did was incredibly rude!”

(They were still arguing on their way out, but it felt sooo good that he at least tried to put her in her place.)

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The New Bakery In The Mos Eisley Cantina

, , , | Right | November 10, 2019

(I’m the bakery manager for a regional supermarket chain. I am on the sales floor, filling our muffin display. I suddenly feel someone tapping my shoulder. I turn to see a male customer with a very angry look on his face.)

Me: “Hi. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “I just wanted to let you know that I don’t like you!”

(I have never seen this guy before, so I’m not sure if he is confusing me with someone else.)

Me: “Umm…”

Customer: “In fact, I hate you!”

Me: *still confused* “I…”

Customer: “I was just diagnosed as being diabetic! I can’t have anything here. I can’t even have apple pie! That’s my favorite!”

Me: *still not sure how to respond* “I’m sorry?”

(He then went on a tirade about how we should not have anything out for sale while he is in the store, as it is very hard for him to go past our department. He then asked to speak to the store manager, who I paged. The store manager came over, and the guy first demanded that he get rid of the bakery since he can’t have anything from there. The store manager told him that it was not possible to remove an entire department from the store, especially for one person. The customer then said that from now on he would call five minutes before he came into the store so we could pull all our bakery tables off the sales floor, so he wouldn’t be tempted. He then walked away. The store manager and I traded looks of disbelief. My cake decorator, who witnessed the whole exchange, laughed and said, “Just another typical Sunday here!”)

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