A Baker’s Dozen Reasons For Going Out Of Business

, , , , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(I drop in at a bakery with some friends.)

Us: “Hi, we’d like a dozen cookies.”

Cashier: “Orders of 12 or more have to wait 20 minutes for new cookies to bake.”

Us: “Well, how about 11?”

Cashier: “Still have to wait.”

Us: “10, 9?”

Cashier: “…”

(So, we waited, but the joke’s on the bakery, because none of us will be back. Turns out the cookies from across the street were better, anyway. What kind of bakery has a wait for a dozen cookies, bagels, cupcakes, etc?)

Recipe’s Frozen In Place

, , , , , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I work with my sister at a vegan bakery. It’s her first job. It is January, so typically cold. I show up the first day before sunrise and it is freezing inside — literally. The building is separate from the main restaurant.)

Me: “Why is it so cold?”

Sister: “Oh, the owner doesn’t have heat installed in here. Don’t worry; it kind of warms up after a few hours when we turn the oven on.”

(Later, I start to mix a recipe with a spoon.)

Sister: “Oh, no, if the owner comes back here and sees that, we get in trouble. We have to use our bare hands.”

Me: “Seriously? Bare hands? And it’s all freezing?”

Sister: “Yeah, otherwise we get yelled at and she starts coming back here a lot more to check.”

(Another day the owner came back and hurriedly LOCKED US IN. There were bars on the window; we literally couldn’t get out if there was a fire. She did this for several days because, as we found out later, the health inspector was around and she didn’t want him to know that building was in use. It’s really hard to find a baking job, so my little sister begged me not to say anything. I got my revenge quite unintentionally. On one of my last few days, it was so cold I wore my longest coat. I got so many glares from the owner and the staff in the actual kitchen, all family members, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized: they are all Hindu. My coat? A calf-length white LEATHER trench coat. Oops. Shortly after I moved on, my sister gave up as well. She made new recipes for things like their tea cookies, following all vegan guidelines, but they were rejected because, “They didn’t taste vegan,” “They weren’t hard enough,” and, “No one would believe they were vegan.” After she left, someone sued because the cookies were so hard they broke a tooth.)

That Age-Old Discount Trick

, , , , , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(My coworker who normally works in the morning is helping a customer at our donut case. It’s about four in the afternoon.)

Customer: “Why are these donuts so expensive?”

(Donuts are 50 cents each.)

Coworker: “Well, they do go on sale later in the evening.” *to me* “What is the deal with donut sale?”

Me: “Donuts are 50% off after five, but you have to buy a dozen.”

Customer: “I have to wait an hour to buy donuts?!”

Me: “If you want the discount. And you have to buy a dozen.”

Customer: “Can’t you just give me the discount? I only want two. I’m old!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t give you the discount.”

Customer: “Well, who can? I’m old!”

Me: “Maybe the store manager.”

(The customer wanders off and comes back a few minutes later.)

Customer: “The store manager said I could have the donuts for half price.”

Me: “Okay.”

(The customer picks out his two donuts and shakes them angrily at us as he walks away.)

Customer: “I’m old!”

Coworker: “I’m middle-aged! Where’s my discount? You’re young! Where’s your discount?”

That Note Is Half-Baked

, , , , | Right | November 5, 2017

(I work in a bakery, and customers often call in to put bread on hold, since we make mostly pastries. One night, my manager picks up the phone, and when he hangs up he’s laughing.)

Manager: “[My Name]! One sesame miche! Thin-sliced! For [Customer]! Also, write his name on the bag, not the bread.”

Me: “Did he specify that?”

Manager: *still laughing* “Yes.”

(I assume the guy is joking, and when he comes in later to pick up the bread I’m prepared to joke with him. However, this customer is very serious, and his eyes are darting back and forth.)

Customer: “It’s edible, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I assure you that I did not write on the bread.”

Customer: “You’re sure?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I sliced it myself, wrapped it myself, and wrote the note myself. It’s fine.”

(The customer paid for the bread and left, still looking suspicious. I really want to know if someone has written on his bread before.)

And That’s How The Entitlement Cookie Crumbles

, , , , , | Right | October 31, 2017

(The bakery that I work in is on the main street in a small beach town. The town hosts events like Easter egg hunts, Christmas present finds, and trick or treating. It’s about 5:30 pm and I have just run out of candy when a woman comes in with what appears to be her granddaughter. One of my regulars has been talking to me at the counter, but moves over when the woman approaches.)

Girl: “Trick or treat!”

Me: “Your costume looks great! But I’m sorry, sweetheart; I just ran out of candy!”

Grandmother: “Are you serious?! It’s Halloween and you’re out of candy?”

Me: *taken aback* “Well, yes. I’ve had about a hundred kids come through today, and we close soon, anyway. You’re welcome to purchase one of our baked goods.”

Girl: “I want a cookie!”

Grandmother: “Fine. Give her a cookie.”

Me: *gives the girl a sugar cookie* “That will be one dollar, please.”

Grandmother: “I HAVE TO PAY? YOU WERE THE IDIOT WHO RAN OUT OF CANDY!” *pulls granddaughter out of store*

Regular: “Jeez, [My Name], some people are crazy.” *puts a dollar on the counter and a five in the tip jar* “Have a nice Halloween!”

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