The Hottest Thing On The Menu

, , , | Right | July 18, 2018

(I’m halfway through making a customer her hot chocolate.)

Customer: “Could you make it hot, please?”

Me: “Um… It is made with boiling water.”

Customer: “Yes, but I want it hot.”

Me: “Do you want me to not add any milk?”

Customer: “Well, no, I just want it hot.”

Me: “Don’t worry. It will be hot; it’s just boiling water and hot chocolate power.”

Customer: *getting frustrated* “Yes, I know that! But I want you to make it hotter!”

Me: “…than boiling water? So… Steam?”

Not The Ingredients For Success

, , , , , | Right | July 17, 2018

(I am working the lunch shift at a small bakery and cafe that also serves some different types of salads. The salads are displayed in bowls on the counter, but they don’t have signs. A middle-aged lady approaches the counter.)

Customer: “What is this salad?”

Me: “This one is chicken, corn, and kale, and next to it we have a kale with grana cheese and red onion.”

(I proceed to tell her about the rest of the salads. I understand that first-timers can be confused by our lack of signage, and I have no problem running through the descriptions for them.)

Customer: *staring intently at the two kale salads* “So… What’s the difference between them?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Is the difference just the ingredients?”

Me: *polite, deadpan customer service voice* “Yes, ma’am, the difference is the ingredients.”

With Your Toast, She Is Toast

, , , , | Working | July 10, 2018

(I’m in a cafe mid-morning. My rather young waitress looks a bit odd; she’s not looking right at me, and is leaning against the table as she speaks.)

Waitress #1: “So… Hi. What would you like to drink?”

Me: “Just a coffee, black, please.”

Waitress #1: “Coffee… Yeah, coffee. I think I need a coffee, too.”

Me: “Er… Okay. Do you want my food order?”

Waitress #1: “Oh, you know what you want? Hold on…”

(She writes on her notepad, stares at it, crosses something out, writes again, rips off the top page, writes again on a fresh page, then looks back at me.)

Waitress #1: “What drink did you want?”

Me: “Coffee. Black.”

Waitress #1: “Okay. Coffee. Yeah… Sorry, I was out all night with my mates at a nightclub. I didn’t get home until six o’clock this morning. I had to come to work at eight o’clock, so I didn’t even get to sleep; I only had time to wipe off my makeup. Can you see?”

(She leans forward to me and looks up, pointing at her eyes. This close up, I can see the remains of black eye makeup smeared across her face.)

Me: “Er, yes.”

Waitress #1: “I am so tired.”

Me: “Okay… Can I order food? I’d like some beans on toast, please.”

Waitress #1: “Yeah… Beans on toast… Yeah…”

(She wanders off to the kitchen, and a few minutes later a different waitress comes over with my coffee.)

Waitress #2: “Hi. I am so sorry; your order has been misplaced. Can I take it again?”

Me: *pointing to kitchen* “Is she okay?”

(Right then, [Waitress #1] comes out of the kitchen, throws her apron to the floor, and storms out the cafe door, swearing and yelling incoherently.)

Waitress #2: “…aaand she’s fired. Finally.” *big smile* “So, welcome to [Cafe]. Your coffee is free today. What else would you like to order?”

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Literally ROFL

, , , , , , , , | Working | July 4, 2018

Years ago, I was working at a bookstore with a cafe in it. I had always gotten along well with the cafe crew and liked to joke around with them. When the fad of drawing a mustache on your finger to hold up to your lip first became a thing, I thought they would get a kick out of it. One day, before my shift started, I went and stood in line in the cafe to get my drink, like I usually did, and when it was my turn at the register I smiled, held the drawn mustache up to my lip, and made my order.

My coworker let out a boisterous laugh, and then literally doubled over on the floor laughing. I was shocked at her reaction, as I was only expecting to get a chuckle out of her, not this kind of extreme response. I stood there embarrassed as the line of customers behind me was wondering what was happening. Another coworker in the cafe, upon seeing the cashier on the floor, let out a disgruntled sigh and stepped over her to come take my order, obviously annoyed with both of us. I sheepishly repeated my order, paid without a word, and stood to the side, red-faced and looking at the floor.

After that, I decided to cut back on horsing around with the cafe crew… At least where customers would be watching.

Smoothie Make Mango Mad

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2018

(I go on break and order myself a strawberry smoothie, which is pink. The customer behind me gets a mango, which is yellow. I go and sit down while I wait for it to be made.)

Coworker: “Strawberry smoothie for [My Name].”

(I walk up to get it and see the lady is grabbing my smoothie; being shy, I go back behind the counter and tell my coworker to tell her she has the wrong one.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss. That is not your smoothie; you had the mango, and it will be out in a second.”

(The lady puts a straw in the smoothie.)

Coworker: “Miss! That is not yours.” *my coworker grabs the mango smoothie* “This is your smoothie, miss; you had the mango!”

(The lady then drinks the strawberry.)


Customer: “I like this one better; I’ll just take this one.”

(Then, she walked out of the store, leaving her smoothie and taking mine.)

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