Like, Hashtag Young People LOL

, , , , , | Working | March 16, 2018

(I work in a cafe that is situated inside a supermarket. I am inducting a new person who has informed me this is his first ever job. He is 16.)

Me: “You get free drinks throughout the day, a sandwich, and muffin, cookie, or cake of your choice with your break. So, you can pretty much live on coffee, if you want.”

Coworker: “Like, totes!”

Me: “What sort of drinks do you like?”

Coworker: “Like, everything! Like, I love coffee!”

Me: “Yeah, coffee is pretty good.”

Coworker: “#lols!” *pronounced “hashtag el-oh-els”*

(We continued with the induction and he was quite eager to get stuck in. We decided to put him on the register, and he did a good job, despite many people not really understanding his slang. I added him to our WhatsApp group at the end of our shift. He literally ends everything with, “lol,” and sends us so many pictures of random stuff, all with, “#me,” underneath. Most of us older employees have muted the group, along with some of the younger ones. They seem to understand him more. I just find it rather funny, though. I guess it’s an age thing, as he’s fine, otherwise.)

A Fruity Bunch

, , , , | Right | March 10, 2018

(A group of Chinese tourists come into our café. They clearly know each other well. When it comes to names:)

Tourist #1: “Mango.”

Tourist #2: “Apple.”

Tourist #3: “Banana.”

Tourist #4: “Grape.”

Tourist #5: “Strawberry.”

Tourist #6: “Peach.”

(My first thought was they decided to have fun, but given all the lists of weird English names of Chinese people I’ve seen, I have to wonder if those are actually their English names, perhaps picked out together?)

From Sweet To Bitter In Less Than One Bite

, , , , | Right | February 14, 2018

Customer: “I can’t have chocolate, because I’m diabetic. You have to stop me if I order anything with chocolate in it.”

Me: “Oh, okay. What can I get you?”

Customer: “A big slab of millionaire’s shortbread and a large mochaccino, please.”

(When I advise her that both of those contain chocolate, she becomes irate and abusive, and screams and demands a manager.)

Customer: “Your staff is insulting me. She’s refusing to sell me anything sweet, saying I’m fat and should be dead. I’m very upset!”

(The manager looks at me, completely confused, as he knows I’m not that confrontational. When I try to speak, the customer spins even more outlandish tales, such as me questioning her husband’s virility and sexuality, and suggesting she become bulimic and die on the toilet.)

Manager: “I… I just can’t believe [My Name] could say all this in the five seconds I was in the kitchen. All I heard from her was, ‘Okay,’ when you mentioned your medical condition.”

(The customer went wide-eyed and left briskly.)

You’re Finnished

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 7, 2018

(I’m Finnish, but I currently work and live in London. Some of my friends are visiting from Finland and we go to a nice, small café near my flat. We are chatting and, obviously, we use Finnish since it’s everyone’s first language. A man maybe in his 50s has been sitting near us and now approaches our table.)

Man: *rudely* “What are you talking?!”

(We are a bit surprised by his tone, but I assume he is just wondering what language we use, since Finnish is kind of rare and a hard one to guess. He’s not the first one to ask. So, I answer politely that we are speaking Finnish.)

Man: “No! You have to speak English! This is London! Anyone can’t understand you!”

Me: “I speak English when I’m speaking with other people, but we are all Finnish, so we can, in fact, understand each other.”

Man: *speaking on top of me* “NO! You need to speak English all the time! All the time! Other people need to understand you!”

Me: “Look, mate. I don’t see that this is in any way your problem. We speak English with other people, but Finnish with each other. We have been understood perfectly well by everyone, since we speak English to the people who don’t speak Finnish.”

Friend: “Yeah, so, please leave us alone.”

(By this point the barista and everyone else in the café have noticed that something is going on.)

Barista: “Excuse me, but is everything all right?”

Me: “This ‘gentleman’ is kind of bothering us.”

Man: “They need to speak English! Otherwise, people can’t understand what you are saying! You could be talking about anything! You could be talking about me!”

Friend: “Why on earth would we be talking about you?”

Barista: “Sir, there is no law that says everyone must speak English all the time. Have they in any way indicated that they were talking about you?”

Man: “Well, no, but they might! I was listening, and I couldn’t understand them at all, not one word! They need to speak English.”

Barista: “So, your problem is that you tried to eavesdrop on their conversation, and now you are annoyed that you couldn’t?”

Man: *pause* “No… Well… No… Other people can’t… Need to understand them…”

(The man went back to his table, took his things, and left. We thanked and tipped the barista. My friends just thought the whole thing funny. I can’t understand how a person can function in a multicultural city with hundreds of different languages and millions of tourists with that attitude.)

Not What You Were Egg-specting

, , , | Working | February 5, 2018

(My grandparents are out for a meal, and they’ve decided to try out a new café that has just opened. My granddad decides what he wants to eat quite quickly, whereas my nan isn’t keen on what they currently have on the menu for the day. She flags one of the staff down.)

Nan: “Oh, hello! I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but I was wondering if it was possible for someone back in the kitchen to just make me a sandwich, or something? I can’t eat anything from today’s menu.”

Waiter: “That’s no problem at all! What can I get you?”

Nan: “Just an egg mayonnaise sandwich on wholemeal would be fantastic, thank you!”

(The waiter suddenly looks very confused, and there’s a bit of a pause before he replies.)

Waiter: “Egg… mayonnaise? In a sandwich, right?”

Nan: “Uh, yes. You know, egg mayo sandwiches? You cook some egg and just… mix it in with the mayonnaise?” *mimes mashing the two together* “On wholemeal bread?”

Waiter: “Wholemeal?”

Nan: “Yes, just brown bread.”

Waiter: “Okay… uh… How many?”

Nan: “You mean, how many eggs?”

Waiter: “Yes, how many eggs would you like?”

Nan: “Oh… um… I guess two would probably make enough for one sandwich? I suppose it depends on how much mayonnaise you mix in, or how filled you want to make the sandwich.”

Waiter: *nods slowly, looking intensely confused* “Riiiiiight… Of course. I’ll bring that out to you as soon as possible.”

(Food came out pretty quickly, and while my granddad’s meal was perfect, my nan’s was… less so. True to their word, it was two eggs… fried, covered in mayonnaise, and on white bread toasted to the point of being brown, more like a biscuit. To her credit, my nan ate it without a word of complaint, but vows not to order another any time soon!)

Page 1/4812345...Last
Next »