The Grass Might Be Greener If They Had Smarter Friends

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2017

(A friend has been telling us about his trip back to where he was born.)

Friend: “That sounds so sweet. It makes me think of that song, Green, Green Grass of Home.” *starts singing the first verse* “It’s such a lovely song.”

Me: “But that song is about an execution.”

Friend: “Where did you hear that from? No, it’s not; it’s a lovely song. I’ve been singing it for years.”

Me: “Try singing the last verse.”

Friend: *singing* “Then I awake and look around me,

At four grey walls that surround me,

And I realize, yes, I was only dreaming,

For there’s a guard and there’s a sad old padre,

Arm in arm, we’ll walk at daybreak,

Again I touch the green, green grass of home.”

*stops singing*  “What’s wrong with that?”

Me: *internally face-palming* “Four grey walls are a prison cell. A guard and a padre?”

Friend: “That could be anything.”

Me: “Okay, what about the last line?”

Friend: “He’s lying under the old oak tree.”

Me: “They lay him under the grass by the old oak tree.”

Friend: “Holy s***; why didn’t I notice that? I was going to sing this song at the old folks home next week.”

A Colorful Tale

, , , | Friendly | September 17, 2017

(I have long, colourful hair. It goes from dark purple down to lilac, and ends around my waist, so I usually keep it in a braid. While getting coffee with a friend, I notice a mum and her little daughter staring at me. After a while, I have to undo my braid because it’s starting to hurt my head from being too tight. I hear an audible gasp from the little girl, and her mum nudges her to go over to my table.)

Little Girl: *in the fastest, most nervous way I’ve ever heard a kid speak* “Hi! I really like your hair; it’s pretty like a mermaid! My mum said to tell you it’s pretty, and I wanted to ask if it is your real hair!”

Me: *laughing* “It’s my real hair, but it’s coloured in!”

Little Girl: *eyes widening* “YOU CAN DO THAT?!”

(She ran back to her mum, who came up to me to ask me about which hair dye I use, etc. I told her that it was non-permanent, and that there was even a brand that could be washed out immediately,meant for Halloween costumes and such. Now the little girl gets to be a mermaid at her school’s Halloween party.)

Me No Speak Americano

, | Right | September 1, 2017

(We have a drink menu with an extensive choice of coffees. A couple comes in, they browse the menu, and then come up to the bar.)

Male Customer: “A latte, please.”

Female Customer: “Okay, well, I guess, could I have… what size cups do you have?”

Me: “Well, our coffees are all standard sizing on the menu, but we can also offer a smaller or larger.” *I’m indicating the various stacked cups behind me as I speak, from huge, to standard, to small, to espresso*

Female Customer: “Oh. Okay. Well, can I have like, a small strong black coffee, in a large cup?”

Me: “So, an espresso, in a normal cup? Or black coffee with less water than usual?”

Female Customer: “Well, like, a strong coffee, in a small cup. But not much water. But not one of those really little cups.”

Me: *not really understanding, but it’s quiet, so I figure I can work it out* “…Okay. Take a seat and I’ll bring it over. Thanks!”

(I make a latte in a standard sized cup for the male customer and a strong black coffee, up to about 3/4 of a smaller cup for her. I take these over along with an extra jug of hot water in case she wants to top up. Because I was confused, I ask her if it looks okay when I take it over. She looks a bit confused, too, but says yes. Two minutes later:)

Female Customer: *approaches bar* “Hi, um, what size coffee did you make him?” *gestures at husband*

Me: “Just a standard latte?”

Female Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s the cup size I wanted.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Shall I make you another?”

Female Customer: *getting annoyed at me* “Urgh, no. Don’t bother. Don’t you do normal coffees, like Americanos?”

Me: “Yes! It’s on the menu…”

Female Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s what I wanted all along!”

Unfiltered Story #91987

, , , | Unfiltered | August 30, 2017

Quote:
(One day on my dinner shift in the cafe I work in, I was taking orders from the registers along with my coworker. An older woman comes to my register while another lady was helped by my coworker and order a meal and a dessert that was about 10 dollars and hand me a twenty. I give her a ten dollar bill and she sits down and gets her meal. She then also bought a drink and hands me another twenty and I gave her the change as well. While taking out orders, the older woman calls for me.)
Customer: I didn’t get my change for my meal.
Me: Oh I’m sorry. But are you sure? I do remember handing you a ten dollar bill when I took down your order.
Customer: I’m sure *she then takes out her wallet and pulls out her money and shows me her dollar bills. She starts getting suspicious* I have the change you gave me for the drink but I don’t have a ten dollar bill here.
Me: Here, let me check the register to see if it over ten dollars then it would mean that I did not given your change.
*ten minutes later, I count the Register and it’s perfectly fine*
Me: So I’ve check the register and it does not contain an extra ten dollar so it means I did given you your change ma’m.
Customer: *starting to get pissed off and think I’m lying* Well I don’t have my change!
Me: Well, did you check if you put it in your pocket or your purse?
Customer: *checks in a pocket of her purse* It’s not here! It’s not in my purse and in my wallet! Maybe YOU dropped it around your register.
*starting to be frustrated I checked the registers counters and still no ten dollar bill. So, I go ask the lady who was help by my coworker that overheard the situation with the other lady*
Customer 2: Yeah, I did see you giving her a ten dollar bill when she was over there. I think she may have dropped it in her purse or on the floor.
*So I go back to the Customer 1 and told her what Customer 2 had said. Customer 1 seems bitter keeps eating in silence and I go check everywhere else that could possibly be but then I gave up since I was in the clear and was not my fault so I start helping other customers. Five minutes later as I was giving a customer a key to use the bathroom…*
Customer 1: Excuse me.
*I turn around and see that in her hand was the ten dollar bill. Turns out it was inside in part of her purse that she didn’t check the first time like everyone had suggested that it may have been in.*

So then she pick up her plate and dropped it off at the tray where dirty plates were put in and without any word and left without at least an apology. And I have not seen her ever since.

The Laws Of Thermodynamics Has Run Cold

, , , | Right | August 17, 2017

(A customer came in an hour ago with a friend. She ordered a coffee and has let it sit the entire time without drinking it. She comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but the coffee you made me is cold!”

Me: “I did make it an hour ago. It’s had time to cool.”

Customer: “That’s stupid. Hot drinks don’t get cold!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they do.”

Customer: “No, they don’t. That breaks physics! Make it again, please. To go!”

(I made it again while she berated and educated me on “Newton’s Second Law of Special Relativity.” I want to believe she was joking, but I honestly don’t know.)

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