(A lady walks into the cafe. I just happen to be standing by the counter with my coworker.)
Woman: “I’ll have *order* please”
Coworker: “Okay, that’s $1.47.”
(I make the coffee.)
Woman: *leans in and whispers to me* “Excuse me?”
Me: “Yes?”
Woman: “What exactly is an ‘Emo’?”
(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)
Me: “Thanks for calling [Company] tech support.
(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)
Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”
Customer: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”
Me: “So… it’s blue, and blue… on the thing?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Where is it blue?”
Customer: “On de ting.”
Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the computer screen or your camera?”
Customer: “Yes… de ting.”
Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”
Customer: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”
Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Yes… which one?”
Customer: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”
Customer: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”
Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak English very, very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”
Customer: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”
(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)
PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE THING.
SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME.
TROUBLESHOOTING:
>(TECH SUPPORT) IS THE THING BLUE? TRY REINSTALLING THE THING.
>(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE.
>(ENGINEER) CANNOT RECREATE THING IN LAB.
>(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.
(And so on and so on…)
This story is part of our celebration of Not Always Right publishing over 100,000 stories!
This story is included in the roundup of absolute classic stories to toast this achievement!
Library Patron: “I need some help comparing heating prices.”
Me: “Okay, let me show you a website where you can compare the different gas companies.”
(I lead the patron to computer, and type in the website address.)
Me: “Here you go. Just type in your information.”
Library Patron: *looking at the keyboard* “These letters are all mixed up!”
Me: “Uh, well…”
Library Patron: “Have they always been like this?”
Me: “Only since the 1800s. Here, let me do the typing.”
(I’m working at the cigarette counter. I wear glasses.)
Me: “How can I help you today?”
(Customer is clearly not from this country and speaks in broken English with a thick accent.)
Customer: “Glasses!” *points at my face* “Glasses!”
Me: “You like my glasses?”
Customer: “No glasses. No glasses!”
Me: “You don’t like my glasses.”
Customer: “Not you. No glasses.”
Me: “Not me? No glasses? You want someone without glasses?”
Customer: “Yes. No glasses!”
(I look over at another cashier and a nearby register who heard everything and have her switch with me. Meanwhile, everyone around us is cracking up laughing.)
(I swear this lady was high as a kite… She had this crazed-out look and talked in this very airy voice. She comes up to register with a large pile of towels and turns to the lady checking out beside her.)
Customer: “Wow! I love your purse! It would go with my shiny blue shoes, and my black jacket, and those cute Capri pants in my closet!”
Other Customer: “Uh… thanks?”
Customer: *turns to me* “You know, I have to keep changing the bathroom colors. I like the spring colors, but you know, Angel keeps peeling the paint off of the wall behind the toilet so I keep telling her Uncle Rico is going to have to repaint the bathroom if she keeps doing that…”
Me: “Okay… well, I hope you enjoy your towels.” *hands her the receipt* “Thank you and have a nice day.”
Customer: *eyes grow wide as she sprawls the receipt out* “WOW! This receipt is so… LONG! It’s so… BIG! And there are so many ITEMS on it!”
(She continued to stand at my register fawning over the length of the receipt for a good five minutes before she left.)
This story is part of the Peculiar Customers roundup!
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Read the Peculiar Customers roundup!
