(A customer is looking at light-powered watches.)
Me: “It needs to be charged with eight hours of direct sunlight or lamplight before it will keep time.”
Customer: “Does it have to be Australian sunlight, or can I take it to England and use it there?”
Tourist: “Lady, how about we make a deal? I wanna buy this bottle from you.”
Me: “Oh, sorry. We only have four of the blue ones and they’re not for sale.”
Tourist: “So you’re telling me I can’t buy this?”
Me: “Yes… I know it’s a nice bottle, but we do need it for the water.”
Tourist: “Lady, I don’t think you understand what I’m getting at.”
(The tourist pulls a wad of US money from his wallet.)
Tourist: “I got REAL money here!”
(At our restaurant, an American tourist tries to pay for his meal in American currency.)
Me: “Sorry, sir. We can only accept Australian Dollars here.”
Customer: “What? What are you talking about? Isn’t this like, our colony?”
Me: “I assure you, sir, Australia has never been an American colony. We were, however, once controlled by the British.”
Customer: “But… wasn’t it you we beat in World War 2?!”
(A very angry customer brings a small bag of instant coffee to the counter.)
Customer: “HOW DARE YOU STOCK THIS?!”
Me: “Um, I’m sorry… can I help you, sir?”
Customer: “This is Australia! How dare you support some French s*** in our country?!”
Me: “Excuse me, sir?”
Customer: “THIS!” *holds the bag out* “See! Right here: ‘Proudly Supporting Jun’ar Ne’ball In Australia.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it actually says, “Proudly supporting Junior Netball in Australia.”
Customer: My wireless network’s down. The modem says it’s connected but none of us can browse.
Me: “Can you ping the modem? … No? Okay, I’ll need you to connect to the modem with a cable, and log into the configuration page. Great. Now click on the ‘wireless’ tab.”
Customer: “There’s no wireless tab.”
Me: “What model of modem do you have?”
Customer: “An Open 624.”
Me: “Not the 624W?”
Customer: “No, I told you, the 624.”
Me: “Um… that is not a wireless-capable modem.”
Customer: *exploding* “Don’t bulls*** me! You sold me this piece of crap! It had wireless until yesterday and now it doesn’t!”
Me: “Did any of your neighbours move out?”
Customer: “What the h– …Oh.”
Me: “Shall I put you through to the modem sales department?”
