(At our restaurant, an American tourist tries to pay for his meal in American currency.)

Me: “Sorry, sir. We can only accept Australian Dollars here.”

Customer: “What? What are you talking about? Isn’t this like, our colony?”

Me: “I assure you, sir, Australia has never been an American colony. We were, however, once controlled by the British.”

Customer: “But… wasn’t it you we beat in World War 2?!”

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(I’m working at a movie theatre when a woman and her son who looks about eight storms outside and up to me at the box office.)

Customer: “I demand my money back for our movie!”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Because it’s been within the first thirty minutes I can refund you the full price. What movie was it that you went to see?”

Customer: “Sin City!”

Me: *begins to refund the two tickets*

Customer: “You know, this is ridiculous. You should have told me that this movie was inappropriate for my child. There’s not even a notice anywhere telling me this!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “How on earth was I supposed to know that this movie is inappropriate? You really should have told me!”

Me: “Are you serious? The movie is rated 18A, the poster right in front of you has a half-naked lady dancing, AND it’s called SIN City! Did you expect it to be about bunnies and rainbows?”

Customer: *grabs her money and storms off with her son*

(A very angry customer brings a small bag of instant coffee to the counter.)

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU STOCK THIS?!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry… can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “This is Australia! How dare you support some French s*** in our country?!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Customer: “THIS!” *holds the bag out* “See! Right here: ‘Proudly Supporting Jun’ar Ne’ball In Australia.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it actually says, “Proudly supporting Junior Netball in Australia.”

Customer: My wireless network’s down. The modem says it’s connected but none of us can browse.

Me: “Can you ping the modem? … No? Okay, I’ll need you to connect to the modem with a cable, and log into the configuration page. Great. Now click on the ‘wireless’ tab.”

Customer: “There’s no wireless tab.”

Me: “What model of modem do you have?”

Customer: “An Open 624.”

Me: “Not the 624W?”

Customer: “No, I told you, the 624.”

Me: “Um… that is not a wireless-capable modem.”

Customer: *exploding* “Don’t bulls*** me! You sold me this piece of crap! It had wireless until yesterday and now it doesn’t!”

Me: “Did any of your neighbours move out?”

Customer: “What the h– …Oh.”

Me: “Shall I put you through to the modem sales department?”

Customer: “How long is the one hour tour?”

Me: “60 Minutes.”

Customer: “Where does the harbour tour go?”

Me: “Around the harbour.”