(I work as a party host for children. I’m a nineteen year old girl, and this conversation comes up frequently. However, this one takes the cake!)

Two ten year old boys (While I was cutting the cake): You have to kiss the closest boy!
Me: Nope. That’s illegal.
Them: No it isn’t.
Me: Yup. It violates my Blue Card. I’m not allowed to kiss anyone under the age of eighteen.
*Father of kids confirms this*
Them: Well, he’s over eighteen, could you kiss him? *indicating the dad*
Dad: I think my wife would disagree.
Me: And my boyfriend would too.
*One boy loses interest. The other is quiet for a few minutes.*
Boy: You have a boyfriend?
Me: Yes…
Boy: When are you going to marry him?
*Said at the same time*
Me: Not anytime soon, trust me!
Dad: Jeez, let the girl graduate uni first!

(I have been serving a line of customers when my manager approaches me and starts berating me for not asking for the customer’s loyalty card. The customer had given me their card along with the stock they were purchasing; we are supposed to ask before taking payment.)

Me: *holds up card* “The customer gave it to me first; I’ve already entered it.”

Manager: “Hmph. You didn’t ask the last customer, either.”

Me: “They had their card ready, too.”

Manager: “Well, I’ve been standing here while you served six customers, and you didn’t ask a single one for their cards or ask them to join.”

Me: “They all had their cards ready for me.”

Manager: “Yeah, sure. That’s what you say.”

Me: *pulls up my transaction records on the screen* “Why don’t you take a look yourself? You will see that the last ten customers I’ve served have been cardholders.”

Manager: *in a sulky voice* “Well… you are supposed to ask every time or get them to join up.” *stomps off*

Next Customer: *holding her card out to me* “You better ask for me for this; I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”

(We’re in a food court of a gas station. I answer a phone call.)

Me: “Good afternoon. [Company], [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Oh, hi, are you near [Chain]?”

Me: *thinking she’s asking for directions* “Yes, we’re in the food court at the back, so if you drive—“

Caller: “I was there for lunch about half an hour ago, and I left my wallet and phone on the table right in front of [Chain]. Can you see if it’s still there?”

(There are about nine tables that could be “right in front of [Chain],” and all of them are occupied.)

Me: “All the tables have other people sitting at them.”

Caller: “But can you see a pink wallet and phone sitting on the table?”

Me: “The people at those tables have phones, but I don’t—“

Caller: “Is it a black [Brand] with a green case with a pink wallet?”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t see brands, and all the tables are occupied right now.”

Caller: “It’s the table right in front! Is my wallet and phone there?”

Me: “I can’t see anything except people holding phones, rubbish, and food.”

Caller: “What’s the number for [Chain]? I’ve tried calling [number], but they’re not answering.”

Me: “They’re very busy right now. I don’t have their number.”

Caller: “What’s the number for [Service Station]? They’re not answering, either. You’re the only one who did answer.”

Me: *people are lining up at my store and I’m the only one serving* “The whole centre is very busy at the moment.”

Caller: *sigh* “Can you see my phone and wallet right in front of [Chain]?”

Me: “No, I cannot see your phone and wallet, but I can ask the other stores if they have had anything handed in. I’ll call you back; what’s a number I can call you on?”

Caller: “Didn’t you hear me? I left my phone there!”

Me: *wondering how she’s calling* “I have a queue forming here; it’s easier if I call you back.”

Caller: “I’ll wait.”

(I serve five customers before asking the other retailers and the cleaning crew if anything has been handed in. No luck.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I’ve asked everyone and nothing has been handed in. I can take your number—“

Caller: “CAN YOU SEE MY PHONE AND WALLET?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t see your phone or wallet. I suggest calling [Chain] and leaving your contact number in case it shows up. Have a lovely afternoon.” *hangs up*

(I work at a fast food restaurant. We sell frozen drinks for $1. Unfortunately, today all the frozen drinks machines are broken, as are all of the soft drink machines. We have signs plastered in the drive-thru informing customers, and we greet every customer by telling them this. Almost every single order goes along these lines.)

Me: *greeting* “Unfortunately, we are unable to sell and frozen drinks or soft drinks right now.”

Customer: “Okay, can I get a cheeseburger meal with a [frozen drink]?”

Me: “We can’t do any frozen drinks or soft drinks at the moments, I’m sorry.”

(I tell customer what drinks they CAN get.)

Customer: “Oh, I’ll just get a lemonade with the meal, then.”

Me: *eye twitching* “We can’t sell any lemonade, or any other soft drink, or frozen drink. I can only give you…” *repeats other options*

Customer: “Can I have a [different frozen drink], then?”

Me: *slowing bashing my head on the wall* “We can’t do any soft drinks or frozens at the moment.”

Customer: *pause* “I’ll just get a Coke.”

Me: “…” *turns microphone off, starts screaming in frustration*

(My mobile phone rings. I know it’s a spam call because I don’t give out my mobile number and it’s unlisted. I answer it anyway since I’m not doing anything important.)

Caller: “Hello, I’m [Caller] from [Made-Up Company]. I’m calling on behalf of your insurance company regarding a traffic accident in which you were the driver not at fault.”

(I’ve had this scam before and just hung up, but I decide to see how long he’ll keep going.)

Me: “I don’t think so; I don’t drive at all.”

Caller: “Oh, my apologies! I’ve misread. I see here you were actually the passenger, not the driver.”

Me: “Nope, I always take public transport.”

Caller: “Oh, yes! My mistake. I see it was actually a relative of yours who lives nearby who was the passenger in the car not at fault in a traffic accident.”

Me: “Nope. I’m the only member of my family in this city. The rest of my family is at least 200 kilometres away.”

Caller: *swearing*

(The call ended. If they ever call back, I’m going to ask them who my insurer is, since they’re calling on behalf of them.)