I’ve Got A Couple Of Beeping Words I’d Like To Say To You

, , , , , | Right | May 16, 2018

(The customer is trying to pay using PayPass, which means you just tap your credit card to the reader. The machine beeps twice, which means the transaction hasn’t gone through.)

Customer: “It beeped twice; does that mean I was charged twice?”

Me: “No, it means it didn’t go through at all. Try holding the card a bit longer; it will only beep once.”

(The customer taps and takes her card away too fast, and the machine beeps twice.)

Me: “Just hold it there for a second while the machine reads the card, then it will beep once.”

Customer: *taps too fast, machine beeps twice* “It beeped twice! It’s charging me every time it beeps!”

Me: “No, only one long beep means the transaction has been accepted.”

Customer: *holds card to the reader until one beep sounds*

Me: “Would you like your receipt?”

Customer: “Yes! I want to make sure you didn’t charge me six times!”

Cookies Don’t Cause Cancer

, , , | Right | May 15, 2018

(I live in Australia. I work at a petrol station and as it is around Christmas time, our work has bags of cookies we can give away free to customers. A customer has just finished paying for her fuel.)

Me: “Would you like a complimentary cookie today?”

Customer: “Oh, no! I can’t possibly have that; it’s summer season! I have to watch my figure!”

(Having heard this from a lot of people that day, I let it go and wish her a good day. She then turns back around.)

Customer: “Oh, I almost forgot! Could I get a pack of [cigarettes]?”

Time To Get Some Sexperience Points

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 7, 2018

(At home, my significant other is playing a medieval-style video game. I’ve just gotten out of the shower and am walking back to our bedroom to finish getting dressed when he updates me on what’s happening in his game.)

Significant Other: “Hey, baby, I just f***** the princess!”

Me: *laughing* “That’s awesome, hun. Want to do it again?”

Significant Other: “Nah, I don’t think I can get back to that part of the game again, because it’s story-based.”

Me: “Uh… Babe…”

Significant Other: “What?”

Me: *raises eyebrow, looks down at towel covering me, looks back at oblivious fool*

Significant Other: “Oh. Well, then…” *races me to the bedroom*

A-Mounting Humor

, , , , , , | Learning | May 4, 2018

(I am a student teacher. Today, my class is on a trip to a fire station. The RCMP — Royal Canadian Mounted Police — officer is talking about bike safety, and starts answering questions from the students.)

Student: “Were you alive in the 1920s?”

RCMP: “I’m not sure how to take that. No, it was a bit later.”

(The RCMP officer gets back to his presentation. The following remarks happen in the next five minutes.)

RCMP: “Well, back when I started policing, in the 1920s, we used horses and tractors.”

RCMP: “During the Crimean war, which I fought in during the late 1800s, we used our swords to catch bad guys. Then we would ride to the police station on our horses.”

I-Wrecky

, , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(A coworker comes to the back of the store. She looks angry.)

Me: “[Coworker], what’s wrong?”

Coworker: “Stupid, rude customer just reported me to [Store Manager] and says she is going to report me to head office for being racist.”

Me: “What did you do?”

Coworker: “Nothing. I was serving a customer at the counter when I heard someone calling out from [Department]. They wanted someone to come and help them find something. I called out that I would be with them in moment when I finished serving. When I went over there, they demanded to see [Store Manager] and accused me of being racist because I didn’t come straight away.”

Me: “Could you see them from the counter?”

Coworker: “No, they were at [section].”

Me: “With two aisles of stock separating you? There’s no way you could have seen them; don’t worry about it.”

(She calms down and heads back to her station. [Store Manager] comes back, looking flustered.)

Store Manager: “That b****! First, she accused [Coworker] of being racist. I pointed out that where she was, there was no way that she could have even seen her. I was with a customer and saw the whole thing. She said that because she is Iraqi, she was ignored.”

Me: “But [Coworker] is Iraqi.”

Store Manager: “I pointed that out; now I am being reported for being racist, as well.”

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