This Museum Rocks!

, , , , , | Right | October 22, 2018

(I’m the idiot in this story. My husband and I are at a museum featuring an oceanic exhibit. In one hall there is a large touch tank. Being the wuss I am, I am very nervous to touch anything, but my husband convinces me to try. I pick a smooth-looking creature close to the edge of the tank, and carefully stroke it with one finger. The girl supervising the tank smiles at me.)

Worker: “Doesn’t that one feel like a rock?”

Me: *with excitement and wonder* “Yeah! It really does!”

Worker: “That’s because it is.”

In The Name Of Love, Whatever It Is

, , , , , | Romantic | October 9, 2018

(There’s a regular who comes in once a week or so and talks my ear off the whole time. He talks at me, doesn’t ask me anything about myself, and doesn’t seem to listen to me when I do get a word in edgewise. I listen politely for as long as I can, but I am at work so I usually excuse myself after twenty minutes or so. Then, he comes in again.)

Regular: “Hey! I need to talk to you.”

Me: *currently with other visitors* “Okay. Sure. Give me a second.”

Regular: “Will you go out with me?”

Me: *stunned but not wanting to be mean* “Uh… We can discuss that but I have to finish helping these people.”

Regular: “I think you and I have a real connection. I’m in love with you.”

Other Visitor: “You know what? We’ll… we’ll wait, if you want to deal with this. It’s okay.”

Regular: “I’m in love with you.” *raising his voice* “I love you!”

(There’s several visitors nearby and all of them look over.)

Me: “Uh. Okay. Cool. That’s very nice, but I have a boyfriend.”

Regular: “But he doesn’t love you like I love you! You and I are perfect for each other!”

Me: “Dude. Look. I’m very flattered, but I don’t feel that way about you.”

Regular: *completely unembarrassed and smiling* “That’s not true! I know you love me, too. We understand each other.”

Me: “We really don’t. Please stop.”

Regular: *laughs* “Don’t be silly. Come on.”

Me: “Seriously? I am at work, I have a boyfriend, and I am not interested. Okay?”

Regular: “But your boyfriend doesn’t get you like I do!”

Me: “Oh, really? Hey, quick question: What’s my name?”

Regular: *smile fading* “What?”

Me: “What’s my name?”

Regular: “Oh. Uh. It’s… Um…” *getting flustered* “Well, that doesn’t matter. I love you! I don’t need to know your name to love you!”

Me: “I’m going to walk away now. Please leave.”

(He kept shouting how he loved me while I walked away and went out into the store room. One of the security guards had to come over and explain to him that a woman being nice to you while she’s at work doesn’t mean anything. He hasn’t come in since.)

In Soviet Russia, Mother Translates You!

, , , , | Related | October 7, 2018

(I am on holiday with my parents. To enter many tourist places in Moscow, you have to go through metal detectors and a bag check. My first language is English but I can understand some Russian. However, I struggle if it’s spoken quickly. My mother, who is fluent, has gone through the detector. The guard says something quickly to me, which I don’t catch. I look at my mum for help, so she comes over.)

Mum: “Put your bag on the table and walk through.”

(The guard looks confused as I place the bag on the table and walk through the detector. The guard says something else, and I glance at my mum again.)

Mum: “Take the bag.”

(I do so. The guard frowns but says something else.)

Mum: “Open it.”

(I open the bag. The guard, still looking really confused, checks it and nods to indicate I can go. It is at this moment that I realise why the guard is so confused.)

Me: *in English* “Mum, thanks for translating all of his instructions into Russian for me.”

Mum: “Wait, did I really?”

(The guard apparently understood some English because at this point, he looked at us and laughed before returning to checking the next person.)

Cost You Down To The Bone

, , | Right | October 3, 2018

(My colleague and I work in the gift shop of our local museum, where we tend to have rather high-priced, locally-made products. The customer in question is a man with his ten-year-old daughter. She is interested in a scoop-shaped drinking vessel made of bone from a bear, and it’s 50% off.)

Me: “That’ll be [amount].”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

Me: “It’s actually 50% off…”

(He starts to scream and walk off, dragging his daughter by the hand.)

Me: “It’s a unique handmade product made of natural materials, which is why the price is a bit—”

Customer: “NO, IT’S NOT! BULLS***! I CAN MAKE THAT MYSELF!”

Me: “Oh. Okay, then.”

(He stormed out, leaving me and my colleague staring after him in bewilderment.)

Having A Good Day

, , , , | Hopeless | October 2, 2018

(I am a generally shy person, but do sometimes shock with jokes. I’m at an old historical estate in New York. I am in my car driving towards the ticket collector. In the car is my twin brother and my younger brother.)

Gatekeeper: *sadly* “Hello, welcome to [Estate]. Tickets, please.”

Me: “Three tickets, right here!”

Gatekeeper: “Head to the left to park and then head left to go to the mansion, or right for a tour.”

(This guy looks generally upset and tired, so I want to make his day better.)

Gatekeeper: “Anyway, have a good day.”

Me: *pretending anger* “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!”

Gatekeeper #2: “What the—”

(I speed off, but not before “dropping” a nice bonus for the sad gatekeeper.)

Twin: “What the heck! What just happened?”

(I ran into the gatekeeper on the way out. It turned out that he got the extra money I gave him, and he said it was the first thing that made him laugh. He was sad because of a family member’s funeral. The money was enough for him to have a free dinner at a local restaurant. He thanked me profusely!)

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