The Terrible Extra Twos

, , , , , | Right | July 3, 2020

I work in a restaurant. Restrictions for social distancing have slowly started lifting and, as a result, we’re allowed to have up to ten people dining in. The phone rings and I answer it.

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation, please.”

Me: “Certainly, for how many people?”

Customer: “Twelve.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but due to current government restrictions, we’re allowed no more than ten people dining in at any time.”

Customer: “Look, just let us in. It’ll be fine; it’s not like you’ll be caught by the cops.”

Me: “Sir, we have police officers come in quite regularly, and even if we didn’t, we still aren’t allowed more than ten people as per government restrictions.”

Customer: “Nah, it’s fine. We’ll just come and eat in; the fine is basically pocket change, anyway.”

Me: “Sir, the fine is $1600 and we aren’t going to break the rules just so you can eat out.”

Customer: “Look. Just put the reservation down for ten, and when we turn up, just tack two extra chairs on. It’ll be fine.”

Me: “Sorry I couldn’t help you today, sir.”

I hung up on him.

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Kind Strangers Pull More Than Their Own Weight

, , , , , | Friendly | June 5, 2020

I am changing trains at a country station. As I am traveling away for work for three months, I have two big suitcases and an overnight bag. I am struggling when I realise that, because the train I had just gotten off was running late, the train I need to transfer to is about to leave on the other side of the station. The station only has a foot bridge with stairs and no lift.

Me: “S***.”

Random Guy: “You okay?”

I point to the train I need.

Me: “I need to get on that but it’s leaving really soon and there’s no lift.”

Random Guy: “Come on; I’ll help you.”

He grabs both my suitcases.

Random Guy: “Let’s go.”

We run over the bridge and onto the train with just enough time for him to put my suitcases on for me before the whistle sounds. I manage to say thank-you before he gets off.

To the random guy that took the time to help a stranger out, thank you. You saved me an eight-hour wait for the next train.

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Revenge Served Cold And With A Side Of Cotton Swabs

, , , , , , | Healthy | May 12, 2020

As part of the world outbreak, the hospital that I work for is doing a free drive-thru clinic that you have to ring and make an appointment for. The swabs are nasopharyngeal, which means throat first and then up the nose to an unpleasant degree.

One of the nurses taking the samples is looking through the list of people coming.

Nurse #1: “Oh! [Patient]! I call dibs on him.”

Nurse #2: “Um, sure, but can we ask why?”

Nurse #1: “Sure. Thirty years ago, he broke my nose at a school dance. I can finally get payback!”

Sure enough, when he arrives, she goes to his door.

Nurse #1: “Hello! [Patient], do you remember me?”

Patient: “You are covered head to toe in PPE; I can’t see you!”

Nurse #1: “Oh, right. I’m [Nurse #1]; you broke my nose thirty years ago.”

Patient: “Oh, my goodness!” *Starts laughing* “Yes, I remember that. I’m still sorry. Get on with it, then!”

She does. He coughs and splutters and, with tears in his eyes, he asks:

Patient: “Are we even?”

Nurse #1: “Yup! Good luck with your results!”

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The Eight-Year B****

, , , , | Romantic | May 4, 2020

I have a birth control implant put in three months before I get married. The side effect it has on me is that my period stops entirely. Fast forward eight years: I get a period out of the blue. I’ve forgotten how grumpy they make me.

My husband finds me grumbling, curled up on the floor, angry at nothing and everything.

Me: “I am sorry that I’m grumpy. I’m not sure why I am.”

Hubby: “It’s okay, baby. Not meaning to be insensitive, but it’s your time of the… decade?”

He had a point.

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Making You Feel Blue

, , , , | Right | May 3, 2020

I work at a place where customers can try coffee without purchasing. We also have a lot of customers bring in their coffee machines and some who ask for assistance. We also get a lot of tourists in as we are located in the Central Business District.

A customer approaches, speaking in a thick American accent.

Customer: “Oh, I have a question for you about the milk-frother machine.”

Me: “Yes, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “What seems to be the issue? Is there a burn mark on it? Do the lights flash when you use it—”

Customer: “No, it just doesn’t heat the milk. Like, it will froth it, but it won’t heat the milk.”

Me: “Is the machine doing anything differently? Does the light flash when you press the button?”

Customer: “No, it works. I mean, like, the blue light means hot right?”

Me: *Deadpan* “No. That means cold; the red light means hot. Here, I’ll show you.”

I proceed to walk her through the heating and cooling and how red means hot, blue means cold. I also do a machine demonstration so the customer can see.

Customer: “Yeah, but blue means hot, right?”

Me: “No, blue means cold. The red light means hot. When you get in the shower, you know how the taps have a red ring and a blue one so you can tell hot from cold?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, it’s the same thing here.”

Customer: “Oh, this is just so confusing. I just don’t use it. I mean, my husband does; he’s like a coffee expert so he’ll have to use it. The lights are confusing. This is just too hard! I won’t use it. Thank you, though.”

I wonder how some people survive their stupidity.

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