It’s Credit-Crunch Time

, , , | Working | March 12, 2018

(I have recently started a new job, when the news of a credit crunch breaks in the media. A lot of companies are going into panic mode. I am just heading to lunch when my manager calls me to come and see him in his office before I go. I think to myself that this can’t be good. My concern must show on my face.)

Manager: “Oh, don’t worry; it’s all good. Just come in and take a seat for a moment. Now, I’m sure you’ve heard about the financial problems going on at the moment. Unfortunately, we can no longer afford you and have to let you go. Don’t worry about coming back after lunch. We’ll send you two weeks severance pay.”

Me: “Can I ask one question?”

Manager: “Of course.”

Me: “Whatever happened to, ‘It’s all good’?”

Acting Like A Baby

, , , , , | Working | March 9, 2018

(One of my coworkers, [Coworker #1], has had to go home. She walks past us in tears.)

Coworker #2: “I’m going to run after [Coworker #1] to make sure she’s okay.”

([Coworker #2] is back a few minutes later. She doesn’t look worried; in fact, she just rolls her eyes and shakes her head.)

Me: “What was wrong?”

Coworker #2: “Remember when [Coworker #1] told us that she and [Husband] had decided to start trying for a baby, so she was going to stop taking the pill?”

Me: “Yes, it was just a few days ago.”

Coworker #2: “Well, she got her period today and is now upset because she didn’t fall pregnant right away.”

Waiting For Wicked Wings Is Widiculous

, , , , , | Right | March 9, 2018

(I am lining up at popular southern-style fried chicken chain to place our order when this exchange occurs:)

Staff: “I’m sorry, sir, but there will be a five-minute wait for Wicked Wings.”

Customer: “What?! Five minutes! Why the hell would it take five minutes?!”

Staff: “We don’t keep a lot pre-cooked, so it’s always fresh for our valued customers like you, sir.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not waiting.”

Staff: “I can replace the wings with regular chicken pieces for you, sir.”

Customer: “NO! I want Wicked Wings.”

Staff: “So, there will be a five-minute wait on the wings, sir—”

Customer: “I’M NOT WAITING!”

Staff: “Like I said, I can substitute regular pieces for you.”


Staff: “I… I don’t know what to tell you, sir. Either you wait for wings or accept a substitution. I can’t bend time.”

Customer: *turns almost purple from anger* “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT?! GET ME YOUR MANAGER!”

(By this time everyone has had it with this idiot man-child, but it’s a little kid who speaks up. The kid behind me says to his mum:)

Kid: “You would smack my bum if I shouted like that, Mum.”

Mum: “Yes. Yes, I would.”

(That’s all it took for me. I laughed so much I snorted, and idiot man-child left without ordering his food. I let the kid and his mum go ahead of me because I still couldn’t compose myself to place an order. Well done, little kid. And idiot man-child, thank you for making me laugh harder than I have in a long time.)

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Good Deal Or No Deal

, , , , | Right | March 5, 2018

(I’m working in a call center and it’s the middle of my shift. A customer calls up about one of our products that he bought from a retailer and then saw advertised at a cheaper price at another retailer.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Look. I bought one of your products from [Retailer #1] for $569, but that was too expensive!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way, sir”

Customer: “Don’t feel sorry for me; do something about it! I was assured by the salesperson that it was a good deal!”

Me: “Indeed it was, sir. You’ll notice on our website that we’re advertising it for about $150 more.”

Customer: “But that’s ridiculous! Just days after I bought it I saw it at [Retailer #2] for $499; that’s false advertising!”

Me: “Well… Seeing a product at a cheaper price is not normally covered by most stores’ return policy, but I suppose you could always return the product and use that money to buy the cheaper one; it’s well within the standard 14-day return period, at least.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to have to go through that hassle! You should be able to do something for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. [Retailer #1] has your money; we can’t process a return for an item you didn’t buy from us.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! Can you at least throw in a free $99 filter with it, you know, to help offset my losses?”

Me: “You mean risk my job to give you something for free for a product that you didn’t even buy from us and don’t have any issues with?”

Customer: “Just tell me whether this has been a waste of my time!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s not at all something I can do.”

Customer: “So, this has been a waste of my time. I’m never buying one of your products again!”

Me: *under my breath* “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

Pumping Out Some Gender Bias

, , , , , , | Working | February 28, 2018

(I volunteer for a breastfeeding support organization that, among other things, hires breast pumps to women needing to express milk. One of our machines is acting up and, since the manufacturer’s recommended repairer is in another state, we are looking into other services that know small appliance motors. My colleague suggests her sewing machine guy.)

Guy: *chirpy* “Hello, [Sewing Machines].”

Me: “Hi, I was wondering if you service other small electrical appliances at all?”

Guy: *still chirpy* “All the time! What would you like me to take a look at?”

Me: “Great! Well, I’m from the [Organisation which includes the word ‘Breastfeeding’ in the name], and we’re having some problems with one of our electric breast pump machines, so we were wondering if you could take a look at it?”

Guy: *silence… then angry voice* “What do you think I am, some sort of perv?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Guy: *really angry, now* “This is ladies’ business! You should be asking the ladies about this!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know any ladies that can tell me if the drive belt is tensioned correctly. I just thought, seeing as you are an electrician, familiar with these kinds of motors, this would be something you could look at.”

Guy: *shouts* “I am not a pervert!” *hangs up*

(We ended up getting it serviced by someone’s 80-year-old engineer grandfather; so much for “ladies’ business.”)

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