Doesn’t Fit The Fitted Narrative

, , , , , , | Related | July 14, 2018

(I am folding laundry just as my mother arrives, and I am about to fold a king-sized fitted sheet. One thing I brought away from working retail in bed-linen is the knowledge of how to fold fitted sheets. Mum quietly watches as I take moments to fold it neatly before putting it down on the table.)

Mum: “Wow, I’ve never seen that done before. I was waiting for you scream, swear, and then screw the sheet up like I do.”

B-Stow Upon You New B-Words

, , , , , , , | Related | July 13, 2018

(I’m celebrating my 30th birthday with a group of friends and family at a restaurant. There’s a twenty-year age gap between my cousins and me, and one of the little ones has just turned ten a few days ago. She comes up to me as I’m eating:)

Cousin: “Hey! I need to tell you something.”

Me: “What’s up, kiddo?”

Cousin: “I’m ten now, and I’m allowed to say the B word!”

Me: “Which one? Bulls***, b*****d, or b****?”

Cousin: *looks at me like I’ve just told her how to get to Narnia* “ALL OF THEM!” *walks away*

Me: “Aaaand I think I just taught her a couple of new swear words.”

My Friend: “Your aunt is going to kill you.”

Got The Scoop On Your Safety

, , , , , , | Working | July 12, 2018

(I work in a laboratory, and part of my job involves sampling products with long metal scoops. Our autoclave is broken, so to sterilise the scoops, we’ve resorted to spraying them with ethanol and then burning it off over a bunsen burner. It’s a little dangerous, especially when the ethanol inside the scoop ignites and a small flame shoots out of the opening. I am currently sterilising a batch of scoops when the safety officer comes in on his regular inspection. He looks around the lab, then stops next to me, watching me spray then flame a scoop.)

Safety Officer: “So, is there anything here, in the lab, that you have concerns about? Anything that you feel is a safety issue?”

(I look at him, then at the burning scoop in my hand.)

Me: “No, not at all.”

Safety Officer: “Oh, good.”

(We got excellent marks on that inspection.)

What The F*** Did I Say?!

, , , , , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

On A Different Plain Of Understanding

, , , , , | Working | July 5, 2018

(I’m at the coffee shop at the airport, trying to get some breakfast.)

Me: “Small latte and plain bagel with cream cheese, please.”

Employee: “Small latte and…?”

Me: “Plain bagel with cream cheese.”

Employee: “Bagel?”

Me: “Yes, with cream cheese.”

Employee: “What type of bagel?”

Me: “Plain, with cream cheese.”

Employee: “So, you don’t want butter, or cream cheese, or anything?”

Me: “No, I want cream cheese.”

Employee: “Okay, and did you want a coffee?”

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