He Has A Very Descriptive Past

, , , , , | Working | October 14, 2019

(My dad is regaling me with stories on a drive. As we go past a chemist:)

Dad: “That was the chemist that used to provide your grandfather with the drugs that kept him alive for ten extra years. The main pharmacist sold the place to someone else and when the new people opened up the computer records they found all sorts of horrible comments attached to people’s files: ‘Ugly, old b****,’ ‘Impotent pin-d**k,’ ‘Nice tits on her,’ etc.”

(Fast forward ten years and I am handing in a prescription at a chemist on the other side of the city. The pharmacist looks at my name on the script and says:)

Pharmacist: “Oh, [My Uncommon Surname]! Did you have a grandfather that lived in [Town of the first chemist]?”

Me: “Yes, I did.”

Pharmacist: “I used to own the chemist there and saw your grandfather often. I sold that place and moved here about ten years ago.”

Me: “Oh, really, how about that…” *smiles and nods, pulls my cardigan closed, backs slowly out of the place, and makes a mental note not to go back there*

High-Fiber, High Price

, , , , | Right | October 9, 2019

(It is my first job serving customers at a bakery. A bossy regular customer comes up during a busy time. She has used two rewards cards up to the point where she is entitled to one free loaf from each card.)

Customer: “I want four loaves of bread: two regular and two high-fibre, all sliced thick.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I slice and bag her loaves and return with them to the counter.)

Customer: “I want to pay for the two high-fibre loaves and get the two regular ones free on my loyalty cards.”

Me: “Actually, you can use the high-fibre loaves as your free loaves and pay for the two regulars. It’s $1 cheaper that way.”

Customer: “No, I want the regular loaves to be free!”

(I have already rung through her order as two regular loaves. She hands me her money and I give her $1 change.)

Customer: “Why do I have change? I gave you the right amount for two high-fibre loaves! You’re not listening to me! I want to pay for the high-fibres and get the regulars free!”

(She has the $1 in her open hand so, losing patience, I literally take it back.)

Me: “I was trying to save you this but never mind, now you’ve paid for two high-fibre loaves. Have a nice day.”

(I could tell in her eyes that what I was trying to do had finally dawned on her but she didn’t say another word as she took her bread and left.)

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A Sick Fantasy

, , , , , | Healthy | October 1, 2019

(I work in a childcare centre. Every ten minutes we have to check on the sleeping children in the nursery to make sure they are still alive and breathing. A coworker who is quiet, sweet, and very unsure of herself does the check and comes out of one of the cot rooms to say:)

Coworker: “[Child] has thrown up a little.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Do you want to clean it up, or do the washing up I was about to do and let me clean it up?”

Coworker: “Ah, I’d like to do the washing up if you don’t mind.”

Me: “Sure thing.” 

(I go grab what I will need –gloves, washcloths, bag for clothes, etc. — and walk into the room. The child has projectile vomited in her sleep; it is EVERYWHERE and the child is still asleep. The sheets need to be thrown out, the cot has to be disinfected, and the child needs a bath — it is in her hair and in her socks. I walk up to that coworker later.)

Me: “Um, [Coworker]…”

Coworker: “Yes?”

Me: “You led me down a bit of a fantasy there by saying it was a little bit of vomit.”

(She and the other coworkers in the staff room lost it with laughter.)

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Love On Autopilot

, , , , | Romantic | September 29, 2019

(I work at the cafe at the university my boyfriend and I attend. One evening, we schedule to meet up and he arrives at the cafe about 30 minutes before my shift ends. He decides to get a coffee while he waits. I am working the register and there are about ten people in the queue before his turn comes up, so I am on complete autopilot.)

Me: “Welcome to [Shop]. What would you like to order?”

Boyfriend: “One coffee, please.”

Me: “What size?”

Boyfriend: “Medium.”

Me: “Would you like a sandwich or pastry on sale with your coffee?”

Boyfriend: “No, thank you.”

Me: “Would you like to have it here or to take away?”

Boyfriend: *amused* “Take away.”

Me: “All right, that will be a total of [total]. Will you be paying cash or credit?”

Boyfriend: “Cash.”

Me: “May I have a name with that?”

(I stared at him for a second and it wasn’t until my coworker burst into laughter that I realized I’d just asked my boyfriend of over a year for his name.)

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Odd Shoes Attract Odder Customers  

, , , , , | Right | September 26, 2019

(The store I work in is closing down and, as such, we have a large sale running. This has led to a lot of problematic customers but this guy is incredibly infuriating and I consider calling security. I am assisting another customer when he comes up to me with a shoe.)

Customer: “Hi. I found this 42 but I can’t find the other foot in the right size. Can you help me find it?”

Me: “Sir… we don’t have any size 42 left in this style; where did you find this?”

(He leads me over to what used to be a stack of cartons at the very back of the store, away from any of the shoes on sale with “FAULTY/ODD SHOES; DO NOT TOUCH” written on them. He has clearly unstacked all of them and has been going through the boxes.)

Me: “Sir, there is no other shoe. These cartons contain faulty and odd shoes. I cannot sell them to you.”

Customer: “Oh, but I found that out there.” *gestures out at the floor*

Me: “This was not out on the floor, sir.”

(I pick up the empty box with an “ODD SHOE” label on top and put the shoe back in. He reaches back into one of the cartons.)

Me: “Sir, I cannot sell you any of these shoes. They are either lone shoes, mismatched pairs, or faulty shoes. They aren’t even in my system anymore.”

Customer: “But I really like that one. Isn’t there something you can do for me?”

(In my head, all I can think is, “No. Do I look like I can pull a shoe out of my a***?” but I force a smile anyway.)

Me: “There’s nothing I can do, sorry.”

(He walks away and I think that’s the end of that. I get some tape, tape the cartons up again, and add more signs to them. I have to duck into the back room and take a call, leaving only my coworker out the front. Part way through the call I hear what sounds like a stack of shoes collapsing. Once I’m done, I exit the back room and walk out to find that the cartons of odd or faulty shoes have been torn open. I go to the front and find three pairs of either mismatched or faulty shoes at the counter with the man nearby still looking at other shoes. I take the three pairs back to the cartons, tape them up AGAIN, and replace the signs. A customer calls me away and I help them, taking their items to the front, only to find MORE ODD SHOES AT THE COUNTER. After serving the original customer I yet again walk the odd shoes to the cartons and add more tape. I then see the man at the counter being served by my coworker. I go over to put the tape away and am crouched next to her for the next part.)

Customer: “Oh, she told me I could have these shoes for $10, as well.”

(He gestures to shoes that are 50% off, and definitely not $10. I lean back immediately so he can see me and raise both my eyebrows.)

Me: “I did not tell you those shoes were $10.”

Customer: “Oh, haha! Just these ones, then.”

(Fortunately, then he bought his — fortunately, not mismatched — shoes and left, but if he hadn’t I would have asked him to leave or else I would have called security. I wish he was the only one who went through those cartons but he was definitely the most persistent about it.)

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