(Is This The Way To) Amaretto?

, , , , , | Working | December 13, 2018

(I walk into the liquor store and see two clerks on the floor chatting about stock.)

Me: “Excuse me. Do you know where I would find Amaretto?”

Both Clerks: *in unison* “Yes.”

Me: “…”

Both Clerks: “…”

(I walked away to find it myself.)

Not Your Regular Pawn Shop

, , , , , , | Right | December 10, 2018

(I work in a small pawn shop. A regular comes in. He usually has unusual items he buys at garage sales to sell us. On this day he is slightly tipsy and empty-handed. My boss is working out in the back but can hear everything.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Regular]. What can I do for you?”

Regular: “Um… Yeah, this is going to sound weird, but how much for me?”

Me: *in shock* “I’m sorry?”

Regular: “I’m broke until tomorrow, but I need more beer, smokes, and something to eat. How much will you give on a loan for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, [Regular], but to pawn something, you need to leave the item here, so pawning yourself wouldn’t really help you.”

Regular: *with a sigh of defeat* “Oh, okay. Thanks, anyway.”

(He turns to leave but my boss stops him.)

Boss: “Hey, [Regular], in the twenty years I’ve owned the shop, that’s a first. I’ll personally loan you $50 just for having the balls to do it.”

(My boss — the owner — did lend him the money, and the regular was waiting for us to open the next morning to repay the loan. Over the next five years I worked there, he continued to sell us stuff. He would occasionally come in asking to pawn himself, and my boss always lent him the money.)

They’re Not The Only One With A Child

, , , , , , | Right | December 10, 2018

(I am serving a customer when another customer bypasses the other three people in line and stands next to the first customer. Usually, customers who want to ask questions do this.)

Me: *while packing my customer’s sales* “Hi. Do you have a question?”

Customer #1: “No, I’m in a hurry and I need to be served next.”

Me: “Sorry, but you need to join the line.”

Customer #1: “But I said I was in a hurry; it’s almost time for me to pick up my child from school and I’m going to be late. You need to serve me next.”

Me: “It’s not me you have to ask; there are other people waiting here, too.”

Customer #1: *to next customer in line* “Will you let me in?”

Customer #2: “No.”

Customer #1: “But I need to pick up my child.”

Customer #2: “I need to pick up my child, too.”

(She turns to the next customer.)

Customer #3: “No, I need to pick up my child, too.”

(Followed by:)

Customer #4: “No, you should have thought about that before you spent the last hour in here shopping.”

Your Husband Is Not In Union With You On This One

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 30, 2018

(I’ve been asked to help out at my husband’s work for a couple of weeks. I am shown to a room where I can complete the work. I’ve been working for a few hours when the phone rings on a nearby desk. There’s been no one else in the room.)

Me: “Hello. [My Name] speaking.”

(I notice the caller ID is showing that the call is coming from my husband, but the voice at the other end is not his.)

Caller: *very stern and gruff male* “This is [Caller] and I am a representative from [extra-long Union name]. I’ve had a phone call reporting that you are working over there at [work site]. I need to know who you are and what you are doing on those premises.”

Me: *frightened* “I am [My Name] and I am working on [job].”

Caller: “And are you a member of [Union]?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Well, that’s unacceptable; you are here taking jobs away from union employees.” *goes on rant about it, ending with…* “…you’re in big trouble. We’ll be handing this matter over to our lawyers, and you can expect a call from them. You’d better get yourself a good one.”

Me: *even more frightened* “Uh, okay.”

(As I hang up, I notice the time and see that it’s lunchtime. I decide to go and meet my husband. When I get there he is sitting at a table with another man, who looks at me and starts laughing.)  

Caller: *laughs* “I got you good! I bet you were scared getting that phone call from the [Union].”

(He laughs, and keeps crowing about how he got me.)

Me: *when I can get a word in* “Wasn’t scared.”

Caller: “What? Yes, you were.”

Me: “The phone has caller ID; it said [Husband]’s name on the screen.”

(The man went bright red as [Husband] and his boss cracked up. My husband told me that he had dialled the number to let me know it was lunchtime, and the other guy had taken the phone from him.)

Telling Them Apart Is Childsplay

, , , , , | Related | November 27, 2018

(My new next door neighbour is telling about her husband, who is a triplet.)

Neighbour: “Just telling you, so you don’t get offended if you see [Husband] one day and he ignores you. Our last neighbour stopped talking to us because he wouldn’t believe us after he ran into one of the brothers”

Me: “How do you tell them apart?”

Neighbour: “I can’t. The only one who can tell them apart is [Toddler Daughter]; from the time she was born she has hated her uncles, but she loves her father. She can tell who is who when they are together, and when they are alone, too.”

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