Winning At This Competition

, , , , | Right | February 15, 2019

(A customer has asked me for a particular brand’s item.)

Me: “Sorry, that is [Competitor]’s own brand; we don’t have that.”

Customer: *emphasising as if I’m stupid* “I know it’s [Competitor]’s brand. Where is the [Brand] stuff?”

Me: “This is [Company], not [Competitor]; we don’t have that brand.”

Customer: “I. KNOW. WHERE. I. AM. I’m not asking if you have it; I want to know if they have it?”

Me: “I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you that.”

Customer: “What good are you? Why don’t you know?”

Me: “Because I don’t work at [Competitor]; I work here.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you ring them and find out?”

Me: “No, I don’t have their number.”

Customer: “Why not? You should, so you can call them for customers.”

Me: “Because I work for [Company], and not for our competitor.”

Customer: “So, you are going to make me drive all the way over there?” *it’s fifteen minutes away* “I won’t be very happy if they don’t have it. I’ll be calling your superiors if you’ve wasted my time.” *storms out*

(I call after her, as by this time I don’t give a s***:)

Me: “I can give you that number.”

Their Mistake Covers Multiple Locations

, , , , , | Right | February 13, 2019

(I am at work when a coworker with a customer right behind her comes up to me.)

Coworker: “[My Name], this customer said that you put [item we don’t have] away for her yesterday. Where is it?”

Me: “No, it wasn’t me; I wasn’t here yesterday.”

Customer: *yelling at me* “I KNOW IT WAS YOU BECAUSE I WROTE DOWN YOUR NAME!”

Me: “It wasn’t me. I wasn’t here and we sold out on that product last week.”

Customer: “IT WAS YOU! YOU’RE LYING. YOU’VE WASTED MY TIME! YOU SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED ME!”

Me: “No, honestly, I wasn’t here yesterday and I’ve never seen you before.”

Customer: “WELL, SOMEONE HERE HAS IMPERSONATED YOU THEN! THEY GAVE ME YOUR NAME WHEN I RANG UP YESTERDAY!”

Me: “You rang up? Oh, I think I know what happened. I’ll just check for you.” *picks up the phone and makes a call* “Hello. May I speak to [My Name], please?”  

(After I finish speaking with a coworker from a different location I turn to the customer.)

Me: “It appears that you called [Other Location] store and spoke to [My Name] there; she has your item over there.”

Customer: “I didn’t call [Other Location]! I called here! I got the number from the catalogue; I’ll show you.” *grabs catalogue and points to the number*

Me: “Sorry, but that’s [Other Location], we are [Our Location], the next store down. I can get the item sent here but it will take a few days.”

Customer: “A few days? I have to have it today. How in the h*** am I going to get it now?”

Me: “The only way is to go there yourself. It’s about half an hour away.”

Customer: “What? I have to go there myself just because I got the wrong store?” *storms out*

Doesn’t Take A Sherlock To Solve This One

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2019

(I see a customer walking around aimlessly in one of our departments.)

Customer: *mumbling* “It’s got to be here somewhere.”

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yeah, I don’t know.”

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Customer: “I think I lost my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, where have you been? We can check there.”

Customer: “Only around this area.”

(I look at her hands and see that she’s got an item in her hand from a different department.)

Me: “Okay, you can keep looking here; I’ll go down to [Department] to check there.”

(The customer follows me and takes a very quick look in the aisle before running back to the other section and standing in the same aisle that I found her in. I check with another customer to see if she’s seen it and then follow her back.)

Me: “Is there anywhere else you’ve been? Could you have left it in the car?”

Customer: *getting frustrated with me* “NO! I know I had it and haven’t been anywhere else.”

(I notice she’s wringing something in her hands along with the other item.)

Me: “Okay, you’ve been in [specific aisle in a completely different part of the store].”

Customer: *looks at me as if I’ve been spying on her* “HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!” *I point towards her hand; she looks down* “Oh.”

(We found it sitting in the middle of the floor where she left it.)

Even Elon Musk Is Confused

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 8, 2019

Friend: “I want to buy a car that goes on water.”

Me: “Like a boat?”

(She meant RUNS on water, rather than gas.)

Husbandly Rights Are Very Wrong

, , , , , | Romantic | January 21, 2019

(A coworker just told us that she’s discovered her husband has been having an affair with her best friend and has left her. We are full of pity for her, but she tells us not to worry as she hasn’t loved or even been attracted to him for a long time and that she hated the fact that he treated her like a slave. Six months later, we’ve returned to work after our Christmas break.)

Coworker #1: “[Husband] left [Ex-Best Friend] and came home on Christmas Eve.”

Coworker #2: “Really? You let him move back in?”

Coworker #1: “Yes, he was upset with the disgusting way [Ex-Best Friend] was treating him. Would you believe she expected him to get his own coffee when he wanted one?”

Coworker #2: “Are you serious?”

Coworker #1: “Oh, that’s not the worst, either. He had the day off on Christmas Eve, and she went to work without making him lunch before she left. Then, when she got home, he told her he was hungry, and she told him he knew where the kitchen was. Then, she had the hide to ask him to make her a sandwich because she was tired. He packed and moved back home right away.”

([Coworker #2] and I exchange WTF looks.)

Coworker #2: “You didn’t just take him back because of that, did you?”

Coworker #1: “Of course. I’m only the wife; he’s got husbandly rights. But don’t worry; I do punish him by just laying there when he wants sex.”

Coworker #2: “I thought you said you were not attracted to him and didn’t love him anymore.”

Coworker #1: “I don’t love him and hate him touching me.”

Coworker #2: “So, why would you take him back and have sex with him?”

Coworker #1: “It’s his husbandly right to expect sex, and I have no right to refuse him.”

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