That’s All Phone Books Are Good For Now

, , , , , , | Working | April 19, 2019

(Before he retires, my dad is a fitter machinist and loves to play practical jokes.)

Dad: “Hey, [Colleague], I took up a collection for you.”

Colleague: “What for?”

Dad: “Phone books.”

(Dad gets a big stack of phone books he’s borrowed from all the offices and sets it down in front of her.)

Colleague: “But what for?”

Dad: “Well, I heard you got a new car.”

Colleague: “Um, yeah?”

Dad: “Well, if you sit on these, you can see over the steering wheel.”

Unfiltered Story #147178

, , | Unfiltered | April 19, 2019

It’s the Queen’s Birthday long weekend, even though Monday is my normal day off I am rostered on.  The day is classed as a public holiday which usually means we work to weekend opening times.  We are inundated with phone calls all day asking when we close, most accept the time, except one woman.

Woman “What time do you close today?’

Me “At 4pm”

Woman “The website says you close at 5.30”.

Me “Yes normally we close at 5.30 but today we close at 4pm”

Woman “But the website says 5.30”

Me “Today is a public holiday and we close at 4 today, 5.30 is what we normally close on regular weekdays.”

She finally accepts and finishes the call.

About an hour later she comes in and as I am finishing serving her.

Woman “You’re closing at 4 today?”

Me “Yes we are”

Woman “The website says 5.30”

Me “The website just has standard opening times, it’s a public holiday”

I glance at the clock and wonder why she’s so upset at us closing at 4, seeing as it wasn’t even 12 oclock yet.

Was That Child Trying To Fit A Square Through A Circular Hole?

, , , , | Right | April 18, 2019

(An angry man has come into our store.)

Customer: “I demand to speak to a manager.”

Me: “I’m the managing supervisor today. How can I help you?”

Customer: *throws down a pair of blind fittings* “I bought blinds yesterday and have found that there wasn’t a pair of fittings; they are both identical. I’ve just had to spend an hour driving back here.”

Me: “Let me see what I can do. I’ll just grab another blind and I can give you the right parts.”

Customer: *calming down* “You’ll do that?”

Me: “Yes, I’ll be right back.”

(I bring back another blind and take the fittings out. They are identical to what he has. The fittings are triangular, with a square cut out on top and a round cutout under it. They are for a double-blind system.)

Customer: *yelling* “SEE THAT? THEY’RE THE SAME! SUCH INCOMPETENCE!”

Me: “I’ll just get the instructions out; I’ve never had to deal with these before.” *notices the two blinds have different fittings; one has a square and the other round* “Am I right in thinking that the blinds have a square fitting at one end and round at the other?”

Customer: “Yes, they are at opposite ends. What’s that got to do with it?”

Me: *turns one fitting around so that the round cut out is at the top* “There you go.”

Customer: *looks down at the fitting, then back at me, eyes wide open* “Was that all it was? I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry I’ve been acting so bad. You have been nothing but calm through all this.”

Me: “Well, it did baffle me at first, too.”

Customer: *picking up his fittings* “My wife is never going to let me live this one down.”

This Prank Doesn’t Lose Steam

, , , , , , , | Working | April 15, 2019

(Before he retires, my dad is a fitter machinist and works in a range of pharmaceuticals, food factories, and coal mines over the years. I love to hear all his stories about practical jokes and things that he has done over the years. And no, he has never been fired or reprimanded. In fact, he is usually incredibly well-liked and promoted continually since he works incredibly hard whenever he isn’t pranking someone or goofing off. He works with a great friend who, while apparently clever, seems to have some incredibly ditzy moments.)

Dad: “This would clean up better if we could steam clean it. Ah, I know! [Friend], take this bucket and go ask [Colleague across the factory] for some steam.”

(Thinking he’ll clue into the joke after a minute or so, he is surprised when [Friend] nods and leaves with the bucket. After a few minutes, [Friend] comes back, and surprise, surprise, the bucket is empty.)

Friend: “Ah, no! It’s gone. Hang on. I’ll go again. I must have spilled it.”

Dad: *trying his best at a serious face* “Okay.”

(As soon as he’s gone, he calls the extension for [Colleague], who exclaims that he thought [Friend] was pranking him. Dad laughs and explains briefly, and then [Colleague] puts Dad on loudspeaker so he can listen when [Friend] arrives.)

Friend: “I need some more. I spilled it.”

Colleague: “Ah, I know what it is. It evaporated. What you’ll have to do is pour it quickly and then run to the back with it before it disappears. Here, take two just to be sure.”

(Dad hears a few noises and then it goes silent for a moment before [Colleague] picks up, laughing.)

Colleague: “He’s on his way.”

(Dad hung up and, sure enough, [Friend] was running through the factory, carrying a bucket in each hand, with all of the operators staring at him, and he arrived panting with two empty buckets.)

Unfiltered Story #146868

, , | Unfiltered | April 12, 2019

I am working on tidying our blinds.

Customer “Excuse me, how do I get some fabric cut?”

Me “Just take the roll down to the front counter and they will cut it for you”

Customer “Where’s the front counter?’

Me * pointing towards the front door “The counter is at the front of the store near the door” *There’s a huge sign hanging over the counter.

Customer *looking where I am pointing “All I can see is a sign that says ‘Service Counter’, where is the front counter”.

Me “That is the front counter”.

Customer “So I just take the roll there?”

Me “Yes”

Customer “And they will cut it?”

Me “Yes”.

Customer “Are you sure it’s the right counter?’

Me “yes, it’s the only counter”

Customer “Oh ok”

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