(I’m in a hotel at the breakfast buffet, where they have a self-serving station for tea and coffee, complete with little teapots and milk jugs. I am filling my own teapot when I notice the last milk jug has just been taken. I wait a while for a staff member to become available and then flag them down.)

Me: “Excuse me, are there any more milk jugs in the kitchen?” *motioning where they have been sitting*

Waiter: “What do you want?”

Me: “Oh, for milk, a creamer, a milk jug?”

Waiter: *still looks confused*

Me: “About this big—” *motions with hands* “—and you put your milk in it for your coffee or tea?”

Waiter: “Oh, something to put your milk in? Okay.”

(She returns a couple of minutes later with a milk jug and hands it to me. She then immediately walks to the milk station and picks up the only bottle of milk, about three-quarters full, and walks away with it. I wait for her to return with the milk bottle a few minutes later, having added a bit more milk to it. She notices me waiting at the same spot, and says:)

Waiter: “Oh, you wanted milk, too?”

(I work in a science centre. We have a regular who comes in and is adamant that her kid is a genius, frequently telling us how her kid could attend the teenager-focused lectures and get more out of it than the teenagers, how she’s been teaching her friend’s kids maths, etc.; it’s just that she feels shy today and that’s why she isn’t speaking in the full sentences her mother says she can definitely do. This child is two, and while bright and attentive, she seems about on par with other two-year-olds. We’ve always wondered if the parent sincerely believes this and is a little delusional or if she’s lying for attention. We give her a wide berth as she gets upset if we treat her child like a normal two-year-old — offering her toys or colouring, speaking to her in a “patronising tone,” etc. But we overhear her talking to the other parents.)

Mother: “We came all the way here to look at the Christmas lights and they haven’t even got them on today? That’s ridiculous! Why even have them if you’re not going to switch them on?!”

Other Parent: “Well, they don’t run them during the day.”

Mother: “Well, that’s stupid. Some of us have small children. It’s not practical for us to come out at night. They should have them on during the day so we can enjoy them, too. [Child] was just devastated that the city doesn’t think she deserves to see the Christmas lights!”

([Child] is currently eating paper and chewing on texta lids and having a great time.)

Other Parent: “No, as in, they don’t have them on because you wouldn’t be able to see them during the day.”

Mother: *scoffs* “Of course we can’t see them; they’re not on.”

Other Parent: “No, because the lights wouldn’t be visible during the day. Even if they were on, you wouldn’t be able to see them, because the sun is so bright they would look like they’re off. There’s no effect during the day.”

Mother: “You’re being ridiculous; you can still turn lights on during the day. Electricity doesn’t just stop working when the sun is out.”

Other Parent: “Yes, I know that, but you wouldn’t be able to see… You know what? I think my son needs the bathroom. Excuse me.”

Mother: *to me* “God, can you even believe how stupid some people are?”

(New theory: her daughter is a genius because the bar is set very low.)

(It is just before Christmas and my parents and I have flown interstate to spend the holidays with my sister. We are all heading down the highway back to her house, with my sister and mum in the backseat chatting away and me sitting shotgun, leaving my dad driving. We end up taking an exit too soon. Had my dad taken the correct exit, the speed limit we are traveling at, 100km/h, would have continued for some time. But instead, the speed limit for the exit we do take rapidly drops down to 80, and my dad, in his flustered state at having gotten lost, misses all the speed signs. Lo and behold, there are the cops. We get pulled over.) 

Officer: *to my dad* “You were doing 96 in an 80 zone.”

Dad: “We are visiting my sister, and I am unfamiliar with the roads.”

(When my flustered dad ends up starting to repeat himself, the officer cuts him off saying that he will be back after checking his license. In Western Australia, if you’re found speeding at up to 9km/h over you only get a $70 and no demerit points; however, at 10 to 19 over it’s $330 and two demerit points. Considering it’s just before Christmas, it’s double-demerit point season, leaving my dad facing a $660 fine and four demerit points. My mum is now having a go at my dad, getting him worked up, and he proceeds to enter what we call “the bombastic mode,” and as such, all information will go in one ear and out the other.)

Officer: *returns to the car* “Because you are travelling interstate and visiting family, and it’s the holiday season, I’m going to be lenient with the charge and only book you at the lower offence: $140 and zero demerits.”

(Bombastic Mode Dad proceeds to not take a word of this in and starts arguing with the officer, again saying how we had gotten lost etc. I lean over, grab his arm, look him dead in the eye, and say:)

Me: “Shut the f*** up.”

(I then look over at the officer, smile, and say:)

Me: “Thank you, officer. My dad really does appreciate you only fining him for a minor offence and not the higher offence, for which—” *death glares my dad* “—HE IS 100% AT FAULT. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a pleasant day, and don’t have to deal with any more morons today.”

(I release my tight grip on his arm and sit back. My dad then sheepishly takes the ticket and his license and thanks the officer, and the officer walks back to the patrol car.)

Mum: “You’re a f****** idiot.”

I’m in the bedroom putting away clothes while my fiancé is in the kitchen washing dishes, the sink is located next to the window where our 8 month old Great Dane puppy likes to watch.

Fiancé: *yelling* “OH GOD WHY?!”

Me: * calls out to make sure he’s ok* “what happened? Are you alright in there?”

Fiancé: “The dog just farted outside and it blew through the window and hit me in the face!”

Me: “I’m going to stay in here then”

Fiancé: “oh f**k I farted to! It’s like a cocktail of death in here. First he farted then I farted and oh god bleggg”

He learnt to shut the window while doing dishes after that

(I work at a makeup counter. We provide makeup services. I have a client in the chair and am doing her makeup. A customer walks in)

Me: Hi there, how can I help you?
Customer: Yeah, do you do makeup?
Me (with makeup brush in hand standing in front of client): ……..yes.
Customer: Ok, thanks. (walks out)

wut?