(We have reached a quiet moment and I am just standing at my checkout waiting for more customers. A man walks in from outside the shop and makes a beeline for my checkout.)
Man: “Give me all your money.”
Me: *absolutely terrified* “Uh… Pardon?”
Man: *holds up his EFTPOS card* “I need [large sum of money], and I just want to remove what you have available in your till and I’ll just get the rest from the others.”
(I work in a small deli. It’s a quiet afternoon and I have my back turned to the counter while I’m cleaning the chicken oven. I get the feeling I’m being watched.)
Me: “Oh, hi! Didn’t know you were there. What can I get you?”
Customer: “I want [product].”
Me: “Okay.” *gets the item, prices it for them*
Customer: “You should get some kind of noise maker so you know when people are here.”
Me: “Well, we do have a bell, right there on the bench. Or you could say hi, and I’ll know you’re there.”
Customer: “I don’t see a bell.”
(It’s literally right in front of them, and I point that out as calmly as possible.)
Customer: “Well, I bet it isn’t loud enough; I doubt you would hear it.”
Me: “Oh, I can assure you that when someone bothers to use it instead of just staring at my back, I can definitely hear it. Anything else I can get you?”
Customer: “You should get a better bell.”
(So many customers seem to think I have eyes in the back of my head. How hard is it to say hi or tap a bell?)
Me and a few friends decide to get some doughnuts from a popular doughnut chain that recently opened in our city.
Friend: Hi I’d like a strawberry doughnut and a glazed doughnut and…
Worker: How many doughnuts total did you want?
Friend: ummm six
Worker: And would you like those in a box or bags?
Friend: Yeah sure
Worker: Which one?
Friend: Yes
Me: Oh my god he’s asking if you want a box or bag, it’s not a yes or no question
Friend: Oh um bags
Worker (to me): Thankyou so much
I get so many people like my friend at my work that I couldn’t resist having a go
(I’m working the refunds desk when a very chipper woman comes to the counter.)
Me: “Hello. What can I help you with today?”
Customer: *with a huge smile* “Hi there. I bought this shirt here yesterday but I need to return it.” *hands me the receipt*
Me: “All righty, no problem. May I ask what was wrong with it?”
Customer: “It was a couple of sizes too big. Can I get an exchange for a smaller size? God, I haven’t been able to say that in ten years. I’m so freaking happy right now.”
Me: “Excellent. Congrats on that. Absolutely you can; just bring it to the other side of the desk when you have it.”
Customer: “Thanks so much. Today is an awesome freaking day!”
(I have seen her often over the years. She doesn’t shop in plus-size anymore, and the last time I saw her she was wearing an engagement ring.)
(I’m taking a middle-aged lady’s coffee order)
Me: So that was a (coffee). Anything else with that?
Her: What?
Me: Was that all?
Her: Oh, yeah.
Me: Was that dine in or take away?
(She doesn’t reply)
Me: Sorry, did you want that dine in or take away?
Her: Huh?
Me: Dine in or take away?
Her: Yes.
(I give up and move on)
Me: That’ll be (price).
(She hands me several coins, but not enough to cover the cost.)
Me: Sorry, that’s (price). You only gave me (money).
Her: What? How much is it?
Me: (Price).
Her: Oh.
(She does nothing)
Me: You only gave me (money). I need 50 cents more.
Her: Ohhhh! Right.
