I am working on reception at a fairly up-market hotel. A female customer comes to check out. She is attractive but looks very tired.

She has been with us for a fortnight and in that time she has never allowed housekeeping into her room. She has requested many new towels, though, leaving the dirty ones outside her door for pick-up.

We have been suspicious about her for a while, thinking she is probably a prostitute. This is against our rules, but the hotel is quite big and people can enter the premises without coming under the nose of reception staff, so it’s hard to catch them out. As long as their customers are discreet and they don’t cause a noise complaint or similar anti-social issue, there’s not much we can do about it.

When I print out the bill, she offers me a wad of cash, many thousands of dollars. We don’t have a credit card imprint, because she checked in with a cash bond, instead. I smile and tell her it will just be a couple of minutes, as we have to check her mini-bar, and dash up to her room.

It is an absolute ruin.

The carpet is dotted with hundreds of burns, where cigarettes have been flicked onto the floor. It’s also stained with food and wine.

The curtains have sweat marks on them. The glass is cracked in the shower. The bed is a wreck, structurally broken at one end and horribly stained across the mattress.

And the whole room stinks of body odour and smoke. It is absolutely overpowering, making me want to retch. We are a non-smoking hotel, and it smells like she was burning tyres in there.

I march back down to reception and let her know we have to repaint the room, replace the carpet and furniture, and charge her for the week it will take to do it. This is a standard charge for room-wreckers, which adds more than $20,000 to her bill.

She pays at once. In cash.

(I am a supervisor. It is about an hour after our peak period finishes. Two people walk into the store: one female, one male, both acting a little odd. I decide to take their order instead of the cashier. About halfway through the order, the woman pulls out a $50 note, but it is obviously fake. She tries to pay with it.)

Me: “I am sorry, but this note is fake.”

Woman: “Really? It can’t be; I just got it out of the ATM!”

Me: “It is obviously fake and I have to confiscate it.”

Woman: “Then the ATM is giving out fake notes! Give it back so I can complain!”

Me: “You have tried to pay with fraudulent currency; by law I can’t give it back. Unless you have any real money with you, I cant process this order.”

(The woman looks in her purse, and I notice that she has a large amount of similar-looking $50 notes.)

Woman: “But what are you going to do with the food?”

Me: “Unless you pay for it, it will be handed out to another customer that orders the same item.”

(She turns around and walks to the male she came in with and starts talking, while I make my way to the office to put the fake note into the safe.)

Cashier: *to me* “Hey, you might want to come out; the guy is looking really pissed off.”

(I walk out, but keep behind the bench behind the front counter.)

Guy: “Give me my f****** money back!”

Me: “We have the right to confiscate that money.”

Guy: “It’s my f****** money; get it here now!”

Me: “I can’t legally do that; it is now property of the federal police.”

Guy: “You will give it back or I will f****** make you.”

Me: “I can’t.”

(He proceeds to pick up the donation box and tug on it. Then he notices the chain attaching it to the counter, and he throws it at me. I don’t move, as there is no way it can hit me.)

Guy: “Give me my f****** money back!”

Me: “It’s fake; I can’t.”

Guy: “Well, give me my f****** fake $50 back!”

(He stormed out the front door.)

(I’m in the ER with my husband after he broke his arm. A woman and her adult daughter are in the curtain area next to us from what I can gather the older woman had a fall and hit her head and doesn’t remember what happened and lost her hearing aids. The nurse is asking her some general questions.)

Nurse: “Okay just a few questions: what is your full name?”

Older Woman: “[Name].”

Nurse: “Great, and your birthdate?”

Older Woman: “Pardon?”

Daughter: *bit louder* “Your birthday mum”

Older Woman: “Oh it’s [birthdate].”

Nurse: “Who is the prime minister?”

Older Woman: “I’m sorry what?”

Daughter: *louder again* “Who’s the idiot that runs the country?”

Older Woman: “Oh that’s Tony Abbott”

(My husband and I start can’t help but laugh. The nurse had a good chuckle too.)

(I’m working in the technology department of our store one evening when a guy comes in and starts browsing the hard drives.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to buy a hard drive.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I explain about the different sizes and uses for backup or file transport. The customer looks at me with red, bloodshot eyes and nods slowly.)

Customer: “I don’t want one with maggots in it, though.”

Me: “Um. Pardon me?”

Customer: “The maggots. That live inside the middle of the hard drive. I don’t want them.”

Me: “Do you mean the magnets inside?”

Customer: “No, the maggots. They live inside the middle of the hard drive. My friend told me about the maggots that live in there.”

(This conversation continued on for several minutes until I politely excused myself and left him to browse. My tech supervisor laughed for a good ten minutes when I told him later.)

(I work for a national office supply store that includes selling software licences. I have previously helped the customer find a product that meets his needs. He calls the store less than an hour later.)

Customer: “I bought this program less than an hour ago and it’s says it’s an invalid code.”

Me: “Software can take up to 24 hours to be fully usable.”

Customer: “But it says the code is invalid. I want a refund.”

Me: “Yes, sir. Until the code is verified by the vendor, it will say that.”

Customer: “I don’t think so. I want a refund.”

Me: “We don’t usually refund codes, as we cannot verify if they have been used. However, let me ask my duty manager.”

(My boss makes an exception and allows me to offer a refund.)

Me: “Okay, sir, my boss has authorised me to make a refund.”

(Less than an hour after, the customer comes in and I offer to troubleshoot the issue.)

Customer: “Someone told me that the code may have been hacked, and that’s why it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Who told you that?”

Customer: “Someone outside.”

Me: “It seems unlikely, as these codes aren’t valid until they are paid for.”

(I enter the code, and it immediately asks me to make an account to apply the code and download the program.)

Me: “It must have since been validated.”

Customer: “I don’t see how.”

Me: “Can you please log into your account or create a new one?”

(In the process of creating a new account and verifying his password to activate the software, he forgets his password.)

Customer: “I put in the right password.”

Me: “Okay, let me reset your password, and I will make you a simple password.”

(I activate the code and show the customer the software is available on his account. He leaves to download it at home. Thirty minutes later, I get a call.)

Customer: “The software isn’t there anymore.”

Me: “Okay, let me take you through the steps from beginning to end. Please type in this address and sign in. Please describe what you see.”

(The customer describes what he sees.)

Me: “Do you see an install button?”

Customer: “Yes, do I need to click that?”

Me: “Yes.”