I work at a ladies plus-size clothing retailer. A man suddenly runs up behind my counter.

Man: “Where’s your till?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Man: “Where’s your till? Gimme your money!”

I’m slowly approaching but I’m too derp to register what’s happening.

Me: “My till? But we’ve not made any money today.”

Man: “Oh… Well, really?”

I’m beginning to realise what’s happening.

Me: “Er, yup, bad day for sales today.”

Man: “Oh, but it’s my hood.”

Me: “Yup… still, no money. Sorry.”

Man: “Oh, all right, sis. I’ll let you off this time.”

He fist-bumps me.

Man: “What about this week? Any sales?”

Me: “Yup, but that money’s already in the bank.”

Man: *Nodding sympathetically* “Oh, yeah, rent’s not cheap these days.”

He looks up.

Man: “I like that dress for my mum… How much?”

I tell him the price, and he enquires about the price of four more dresses. Finally, he’s walking out the door.

Man: “All right, sis, I’ll let you off this time. Bye!” 

Me: “Bye!”

I dove on the phone to call security!

I am working, counting stock, at a large furniture store, and a customer approaches me to ask for directions.

Customer: “Hi, I have this shelf location here, but I’m not quite sure how to find it.”

Me: “Yeah, the numbering system is a little weird, but all the even aisles are on that side—” *points west* “—and all the odd aisles are on this side.” *Gestures to the aisle we are in* “You want aisle thirty-three, which is on the other side of the warehouse, near the cash registers.” *Points west toward aisle thirty-three*

Customer: “So, over there?”

The customer points east, directly opposite to where I was pointing.

Me: “No, that way.”

I point to aisle thirty-three.

Customer: “This way?”

The customer points in the opposite direction again.

Me: “What? No. Look, follow me.”

I take them to the centre of the warehouse.

Me: “See that big sign with ‘thirty-three’ on it? That’s where you need to go.”

Customer: “So, over this way?” *Points in the opposite direction*

Me: *Pause* “I’m gonna go see if I can find someone to help you.” *Walks away*

I am working, counting stock, when a customer approaches me to ask for help.

Customer: “Excuse me, I was just wondering if this—” *indicates to bookshelf* “—will fit in my car.”

Me: “Okay, sure. I don’t actually work in this department but I’ll see if I can help.”

Customer: *Waits expectantly*

Me: “Uh, well, what kind of car do you have?”

Customer: “A Toyota.”

Me: “A Toyota what?”

Customer: “Carolla.”

Me: “Sedan, hatchback?”

Customer: “Hatchback.”

Me: “Okay, great. Well, I actually have that same model of car, and funnily enough, I just bought one of these bookcases and it’s a bit of a squeeze, but it’ll definitely fit.”

Customer: “But will it fit in my car?”

Me: “Well, we have the same car, and it’s the same bookshelf, so I’m very confident it will. It fit when I put it in my car.”

Customer: “But will it fit in my car?”

Me: “Yes. It will. You just have to fold the back seats down.”

Customer: “We can’t fold the seats down because we have the baby seat in the back!”

Me: *Thinking* “Then maybe don’t come furniture shopping in a tiny hatchback with your whole family?”

I am on the train on my way home from university during the global crisis. Due to this and the fact that it is about noon in a smaller city, the carriage I am sitting in is almost completely empty. I decide that, rather than leave my laptop bag on the floor, I will place it on the seat next to me as I figure no one will want to sit there anyway.

Boy, was I wrong.

Enter an older lady. I can already tell we are going to have a problem when she gets on as she is not wearing a mask, and I can see a large crucifix on her neck. This is relevant because I am nineteen, I have tattoos and dyed blue hair, and I am wearing a mask I sewed myself. Oh, boy.

As she enters, she meets my eye and scowls, then walks towards me and decides she needs to sit right next to me, on my bag. I am very non-confrontational, but this is annoying me. She could have sat anywhere else, and I briefly worry she will break my laptop. I try to politely ask her to sit up for a moment so I can at least retrieve my bag, and she pretends she can’t understand me because of my mask. She just keeps repeating that I should remove my mask if I want to speak like a “civilised person”.

Eventually, I get fed up and just rip my bag out from under her, and I then make my biggest mistake by cursing under my breath. Suddenly, Karen can understand me perfectly and proceeds to yell at me about respect and God until my stop, despite me moving seats several times and blanking her.

The funniest part is that I volunteer at a nursing home, and I am Anglican, but I guess I don’t look like she thinks Christians should.

I work at a motoring and leisure store; we sell car accessories and camping equipment. One slow Sunday, I get a call that makes my day.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Auto Store]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi there. I was just wondering, do you guys sell toilets?” 

Me: “Um, no, sorry. We do sell camping showers but not toilets.” 

Caller: “No, no. I’m after a house toilet, a white porcelain one, with preferably not a plastic top. Do you have any with those custom lids? Like with the 3D aquarium lid?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t sell toilets at all. You’re better off visiting [Bathroom Store] in the same complex.” 

Caller: “So, you don’t sell any fancy toilet lids?” 

Me: “No, sir. We don’t sell toilets.” 

Caller: “Okay, that’s fine.” 

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” 

Caller: “Yes. If I buy a toilet from [Bathroom Store], can you guys install it for me?” 

Me: “…”