Running Off With A Younger Set Of Wheels

, , , , | Romantic | June 19, 2017

(When my husband and I first got together he was in a lot of financial trouble. I helped sort out his finances and it was decided he needed to get rid of his car and buy a new one. He couldn’t get a loan at the time so I did and put the car in my name, which was also done to prevent any repossession from debt collectors, etc. We refer to this new car as his car and the car I already had as my car. We’re now married, his car is still in my name, and we have recently sold my car. Of course, Murphy’s Law, the week after selling my car the battery on his car goes kaput. He has to bike ride to the local auto store to get a new battery. Note: I regularly remind him (jokingly) that his car is in my name and is my car.)

Husband: “You should be doing the bike riding. I have to work tonight.”

Me: “It’s not my car!”

Husband: “Oh really? REALLY? It’s not your car is it? Can I have that recorded?”

Me: “Wait… No! It’s MY CAR! The registration is in MY name!”

Husband: “Registration does not prove ownership.”

Me: “The registration in my name means if you run off with a younger woman I can have you arrested for stealing my car.”

Husband: “Oh, thanks! I run off with a younger woman and all you’re concerned about is the car?”

Me: “You run off with a younger woman and you’re on your own, buddy, but I want the car!”

Husband: “Well, you better hope there is no younger women at the auto store.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? What are you going to do?”

Husband: *putting on a mock sleazy voice* “Hey, baby, I might not have a car right now but I’ve got a sexy bicycle!”

Didn’t Have To Scream For That Ice-Cream

, , , , | Working | June 12, 2017

(I work at a small convenience store in my fairly rural town. It’s a really casual work environment, especially on this Sunday afternoon where we haven’t seen anyone for the last 20 minutes. I’m on shift with the owner and a new girl on her second shift.)

New Girl: “It’s so hot! I’d kill for an ice cream right now.”

Me: “Mmm, yeah. Great idea. What type? I’ll go grab some.”

Manager: “I’d love a Cornetto.”

New Girl: “Oh, no, it’s okay. I don’t have any cash with me, anyway.”

Manager: “Cash? Hun, you don’t have to pay.”

New Girl: “But—”

Manager: “None of my employees have paid for food since I opened this shop. You’re not going to start.”

New Girl: “But—”

Manager: “Help yourself. Just don’t steal smokes or anything, yeah?”

New Girl: “Are you sure?”

Manager: “Yes!”

New Girl: “Uh…”

Manager: “Oh, just eat the god-d*** ice-cream!”

Give The Pep Talk A Rest

, , , | Romantic | June 8, 2017

(I’m a nurse and working night shift in this story. Lately, my husband has been getting up at 4:50 am to go to the gym before work but normally gets up at 6-6:15 am. He is not a morning person. I send him the following text at 5:20 am…)

Me: “You’ve got this, sweetie! Make those muscles work! Make those biceps curl! Make your body sweat for the amazing breakfast you’ll make when you get home! You’re going to get to your goal weight and I’m with you all the way!”

Husband: “I love you. But this morning is my rest morning…”