The Biohazards Of Anal-ysis

| Portland, OR, USA | Working | December 31, 2012

(I am the hospital’s pharmacist. Occasionally, a patient is admitted to the hospital who brings in medications from home, often in a plastic baggie or other unlabeled container. One day, a nurse calls me ahead of sending down the pills.)

Nurse: “I’m sending down some pills to be identified, but they smell funny… like bad breath or poop or something.”

Me: “Uh, okay.”

(About 10 pills arrive in the pneumatic tube system. They look funny, are irregularly shaped and have no imprint codes stamped on them. The brown outer coating is sloughing off. I think they are perhaps an herbal product. When I open the baggie, the stench nearly knocks me off my feet. I put on a pair of gloves and spend a few minutes gagging, but nonetheless trying to figure out what they are. Defeated, I call the nurse back.)

Me: “Where did you say they patient got these pills from?”

Nurse: “Oh, the gastroenterologist is here, and he dug 40 of them out of the patient’s rectum.”

Me: “…Say WHAT?! Listen, for future reference, that would have been nice to know before I opened the package and nearly threw up!”

Nurse: “Consider yourself lucky: the unit secretary touched them with her bare hands!”

(The “pills” were indeed several weeks’ worth of tablets that had been the cause of the patient’s severe constipation!)

December 2012 Top Story Roundup

| Not Always Working | Working | December 30, 2012

December 2012 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Working’s top-rated stories for the month of December!

  1. The Age Of Penitence (724 thumbs up)
  2. Take It Personally To The Bank (694 thumbs up)
  3. This Employee’s A Real Cut-Up (686 thumbs up)
  4. Time To Try Another Tactic (670 thumbs up)
  5. Security Shouldn’t Be So Elementary (654 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

December 2012 Top Story Roundup

Not Always Working | Working | December 30, 2012

December 2012 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Working’s top-rated stories for the month of December!

  1. The Age Of Penitence (724 thumbs up)
  2. Take It Personally To The Bank (694 thumbs up)
  3. This Employee’s A Real Cut-Up (686 thumbs up)
  4. Time To Try Another Tactic (670 thumbs up)
  5. Security Shouldn’t Be So Elementary (654 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

His Brain Is On The Rocks

| London, UK | Working | December 30, 2012

Me: “Single vodka and diet Coke; no ice, please.”

Bartender: “Sure.”

(He takes a glass and immediately begins filling it with ice.)

Me: “No ice, please!”

(He continues putting ice in the glass.)

Me: “Excuse me! No ice, please!”

Bartender: “What?”

Me: “No ice!”

Bartender: “You don’t want ice?”

Me: “No thanks.”

(He sighs theatrically, empties out the ice, and takes the now empty glass to the optics.)

Bartender: “Did you say whisky?”

Me: “No, vodka. And diet Coke.”

Bartender: “Single or double?”

Me: “Single, please!”

Bartender: “With Coke?”

Me: “DIET Coke, please.”

Bartender: “Oh sorry, did you want ice in that?”

Putting The Squeeze On Stupid

, | Montana, USA | Working | December 30, 2012

(I am talking to some of my coworkers about how I wanted to get a pet snake. I have always loved snakes, and have been considering getting one for awhile.)

Me: “I think I want to get a ball python, because they don’t get very big, but I would love a boa!”

Coworker: “Why the h*** do you want a snake?”

Me: “Uh, cause I like them.”

Coworker: “Wouldn’t you rather have a ferret, or a hamster?”

Me: “You’re acting like I have no choice, like it’s a snake or nothing.”

Coworker: “Well, I hope that when you get that snake, it bites you and injects you with poison!”

(Most of my coworkers went silent at that point. They all know I have a bit of a temper. But, instead, I start to laugh.)

Me: “Seriously? Do you have any idea what you are talking about? First of all, it’s not poison, it is venom. Secondly, pythons and boas don’t have venom. They are constrictors, hence the name Boa Constrictor. If you are going to be a jerk, at least sound intelligent when you do it!”

(My coworker wouldn’t talk to me for almost a week after that. Now, 6 months and a new job later, I’ve got my first baby ball python!)

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