(It’s a few days before Christmas, and it’s one of our VP’s birthdays. We all hear an announcement over the PA system that there is breakfast in our lunch room to celebrate the birthday and holidays. As I’ve already eaten, I remain at my desk. Multiple coworkers have already asked me why I’m not going, and I’ve told them I already ate. Most of them just keep walking, satisfied with my answer, but not this one.)

Coworker: “[My Name] let’s go! There’s food!”

Me: “But I already ate breakfast.”

Coworker: “So? Overeating! That’s the [company] way!”

(As far as I know, I am the only Jewish employee at my location. It is two weeks before Christmas, and I’m cleaning out the dressing rooms when a coworker rushes up.)

Coworker: “[My Name]! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

Me: “What’s up?”

Coworker: “I need you to cover my shift on Christmas Eve! I waited too long to schedule my break so I NEED someone to cover for me.”

Me: “Sorry, no can do.”

Coworker: “Why not? You covered for me on Easter!”

Me: “I know, but I can’t do Christmas because—”

Coworker: “But you’re Jewish. Ugh, why are you people always so selfish?”

(For a minute I just stare at her; she seems to realize that she has just crossed a line, and her face turns bright red.)

Me: *coolly* “My dad’s family is Christian, so I spend Christmas with them because it’s one of the only times I get to see my grandparents. And even if I didn’t, I would go home anyway because my mom’s birthday is the 26th. I’ve already booked my flight, and I asked for the week off months ago.”

(She mumbles about finding someone else and rushes away. I don’t know if she found somebody to cover her on Christmas. What I do know is that I will NOT be covering her Easter shift next year. I have plenty of other coworkers who would appreciate the chance to spend the holiday with their kids.)

(It is the week before Christmas, so nearly every business is playing Christmas carols, including the cafe that I’m in. Apart from me, the only other people in there are the two workers behind the counter.)

Carol: “…holy infant so tender and mild.”

Worker #1: *mumbling to herself, but still loud enough for me and the other worker to hear* “Just like a chicken wing.”

Me & Worker #2: *glance at each other in total silence, then both lose it*

Worker #1: *looking between the two of us* “What?”

(It is the first day of Hanukkah, which fell a little before Christmas. I am planning a Hannukah get-together that afternoon and I go a little overboard and decorate the house. From my front door, a giant, glittery menorah and a giant sign that reads “dreidel, dreidel, dreidel” are clearly visible and Hannukah music is playing. I’m also wearing a goofy headband with bouncing blue dreidel antennae. The doorbell rings. Expecting a guest, I answer; it is a package delivery service.)

Me: *signing for the package* “Thank you so much. Happy Holidays!”

Delivery Worker: “You’re welcome. Have a very Merry Christmas.”

Me: “I appreciate the sentiment, but I actually don’t celebrate.”

Delivery Worker: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!”

Me: *dreidel headband bounces silently*

(It’s the final week leading up to Christmas, and I am suffering from a terrible case of what I call “Christmas brain.” I have a lot going on both at work and in my personal life, and I’m not getting enough sleep on top of chronic illness. So I’m starting to jumble things in my head a little. Fortunately, the other workers in my small store sympathize and we all have some fun with it. We are running a sale in which 100 different products are being offered at 25% off.)

Me: *to a customer* “And as you shop, keep in mind that we have select items on sale for 100% off! Wait…”

(Everyone within earshot starts laughing, including me.)

Customer: “What a great deal!”

Manager: “[My Name], you’re fired.”

Me: “Okay, so really, there are a hundred things for 25% off. If you have any questions, please ask one of my coworkers. I have to go clean out my locker because I’ve just been fired.”

(I put my head on my manager’s shoulder and he gave me a friendly pat. I love my job.)

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