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Mom Needs A Tablet To Write This Stuff Down

, , , , | Related | January 20, 2022

My mother bought my daughter a laptop for school and speech therapy. Despite being five at the time — seven years old now — my daughter takes pretty good care of it, and nowadays, I make sure it has a spot and its charger does, as well. My daughter also has had her share of tablets: two that died out after getting their money’s worth, and one that for some reason stopped responding to her finger.

My mother is asking me about it one night.

Mom: “Hey, where is that tablet I got her?”

Me: “The old Windows one? That broke at [previous address]. Remember?”


Me: “No… you didn’t.”

Mom: Yes, I f****** did! It was $700!

Me: “None of her tablets has ever been that much.”

Mom: “The one with the keyboard!”

Me: “The old Windows one. Yeah, that’s the one that finally died after two years of use.”

Mom: “Where is her tablet?!”

Me: “Do you mean the ONN brand? Either in the house or car.”

She becomes very annoyed at this.

Me: “Do you mean her Switch? It’s in her room.”

Mom: “What the h*** is a Switch?!”

Me: “That pink console she had at Thanksgiving.”

Mom: “No! Her tablet I got off of [Website]!”

Me: “You mean her laptop?

Mom: “Oh. Yeah. Where is it?!”

Me: “Corner of the kitchen table on its charger.”

Mom: “Okay.”

Dad: “How did you forget it was the laptop that was that much money?”

Me: “Had you said that first, I would have told you exactly.”

Mom: “Is it charged?”

Me: “What part of ‘on its charger’ did you not hear?”

Mom: “…”

Me: “I didn’t think your memory was that bad, Ma! Also, you bought that when the [health crisis] started… which was last year.”

Mom: “Oh…”

She looked around after that and I just started laughing. I try not to let arguments that she and I have get too much in the way because I know that in some cases, like this, my mother’s memory will not serve her well, or in any justice whatsoever.

A Beary Well-Earned Bit Of Chow

, , , , , , , , | Working | December 20, 2021

I’m visiting family in a small town and I stop by a local bakery.

Employee #1: “Oh, hey. You’re [Dad]’s kid, right?”

Me: “Hey, yeah, I’m [My Name].”

Employee #1: “Great, great… So, you’re the biologist, right? Mind helping us settle a little dispute?”

I’m expecting a question about vaccines or masks, and I’m about to start explaining that I can’t help when the second employee whips out her phone. She opens a picture but doesn’t show it to me yet.

Employee #2: “So, I was hiking recently, and I got this picture. Now, I don’t want to bias you in any way, so I’m not gonna say what the argument is just yet, but can you tell us — exactly and scientifically — what kind of animal is… this?

She flips around her phone, showing a very clear picture of a bear.

Me: “I’m the wrong kind of biologist for that, but… I’ve got a friend who does wildlife bio. Let me send him a picture and we can get an expert opinion.”

Me: *Texting* “Hey, [Friend], can you tell what kind of bear this is?”

Friend: “Hmm. Black bear, Ursus americanus, but I can’t tell the subspecies. Let me ask [Professor].”

Me: *To the employees* “Okay, he’s going to bring this to an expert.”

Employee #1: “If you can give us a definitive answer, then you get a slice of pie on the house.”

We chat for a bit, but they refuse to tell me any more about the picture until a final judgment is made.

Friend: “Okay, I have your answer. It’s a good picture, but it’s hard to tell from this angle. However, I showed it to [Three Professors and Two PhD Students] and we compared photos online. Almost certainly Ursus americanus, the Eastern black bear. [Professor] thinks it’s male, but we can’t determine for sure. That’s all assuming this was taken locally. If it’s not in Maine, let me know.”

Me: “Okay, we’ve got an opinion from the experts. But first, do you know where the picture was taken?”

Employee #2: “Yeah, about twenty miles due north from here. I can point it on a map if that helps.”

Me: “No, they just wanted to confirm it was in Maine. I give you… Ursus americanus, the Eastern black bear.”

Employee #2: “Knew it! So, what kind of pie would you like?”

Me: “Pumpkin, please. [Employee #1], what did you think it was?”

He folds his arms and doesn’t answer.

Employee #2: “And here’s one slice of pumpkin pie for knowing the difference between a bear and a Chow Chow.”

Ankle-Deep In Litigation

, , , , , | Right | November 12, 2021

I am working in the garden center. It’s one of those REALLY hot days and I am cashiering outside. No big deal for me, as it’s a preferable option to be able to stroll through the rows of flowers instead of standing at the end of a register inside.

An older woman comes in to browse for a few. I don’t pay her too much notice until I find her sprawled out on the ground. Rushing over, I help get her a seat and some water and then call for a manager who also comes out and offers assistance.

Customer: “I just came from a very air-conditioned car and the change from that to the extreme heat must have caused me to faint.”

The manager offers to call an ambulance, but she refuses.

Customer: “I left my car running for my dog who’s still inside the car. I don’t want to leave him alone.”

After we have her sign a release stating that she is refusing help, she limps off to her car and drives away. I am asked to write up an incident report and I think that is the end of it.


A month or so later, the same woman shows up at the garden center again, this time sporting a crutch and a leg cast.

Me: “Oh! What happened?”

Customer: “I finally decided to go to the doctor after I got home, and I found out that I had a broken ankle.”

I express genuine concern when hearing that. She then goes on to talk about how much it costs and how much it hurts… and then hits me with this zinger:

Customer: “I’m going to find out how much I can get from this store!”

Then, she limped her way in to find the customer service desk. Sure, lady. Lucky for us, there was a paper trail of her refusing treatment and cameras capturing her fall. She didn’t get a cent.

That’s A Fuphy Way To Spell It!

, , , , , , | Working | September 15, 2021

My wife and I are on vacation with my friend and his wife. After I check in, I wait by the desk while my friend checks in.

Desk Clerk: “Okay, I’ll check you in now! What name is your reservation under?”

Friend: “It’s under Stephen [Last Name]. That’s Stephen with a ‘ph’.”

Desk Clerk: “Very good, sir! One moment while I get your key card set up.”

The clerk enters everything into his computer, programs the keycard, hands him a map of the grounds, etc.

Desk Clerk: “Okay, Mr. & Mrs. [Last Name], you’re all set! Here’s your key card, a map of the hotel, and a list of restaurants and activities in the area. Hope you enjoy your stay with us! If you need anything, just call the front desk!”

Friend: “Thank you very much.”

A few days later, we were all checking out. My friend got his statement and noticed that the clerk had entered his name into the computer and spelled his first name “Pheven” [Last Name]! It’s not like his name wasn’t spelled correctly on the credit card my friend used to pay for his room!

The Suit Fitted Twice!

, , , , | Right | August 10, 2021

I am a customer service manager at a dry cleaner. I’m on the register when a guy calls up around 9:20.

Caller: “Can you clean my suit? I just got a call for a job interview tomorrow morning!”

The name on the caller ID is a very Irish-looking name, starting with O’N***, and the phone number doesn’t belong to any existing customer accounts.

Me: “No problem. If you can get it here by 9:45, we’ll have it ready this afternoon.”

Caller: “I’m a ways out, but my GPS says I should be able to get there by ten. Could you still do it?”

Me: “That wouldn’t be a problem. They start the final load of same-day rush orders around ten; I’ll just have them hold off a bit to make sure your suit gets cleaned in time.”

At 9:50, he calls back to say that the traffic is heavier than expected, and he is still about twenty minutes away. I tell him not to worry; we’ll still hold the machines for him. I then tell the plant manager out back that the customer is running a bit late, and she says to let her know as soon as the suit comes in so they can start the load.

At 10:05, a guy comes in with a suit.

Customer: “I have a job interview, and I need my suit done for tonight!”

Me: “Are you the guy who called ahead?”

Customer: “Yes. I’ve never been here before.”

No problem. I create a new customer account, but the name he gives looks Spanish. I don’t notice that the phone number is different, too. I have only spoken to one person on the phone who needed something rushed, but sometimes the caller ID gives the name of the previous person who had that number. I didn’t actually ask for the customer’s name over the phone.

After I make the tickets, I give him his copy and comment:

Me: “Funny thing, the name on the caller ID was O’N***. Must have been the name of the guy who had your number before you.”

Customer: “No, that’s actually my dad’s name.”

This seems a bit odd to me, but I figure maybe he’s adopted or has his mother’s last name.

I tell him to have a nice day, and then I bring the suit to the crew out back and tell them that this is the suit we’ve been waiting on. They start the machines, and I return to the register.

Ten minutes later, a red-headed guy comes rushing in with a suit.

Caller: “Thank you so much for holding the machines. I’m new to the area and didn’t know how bad the traffic got. I really want to make sure I look good for the interview tomorrow!”

My heart sinks.

Me: “Oh, are you Mr. O’N***?” 

Caller: “Yeah, how’d you know?”

Me: “That was the name on the caller ID. I’ll be right back.”

I had to go tell the crew and the plant manager that the real suit we were waiting on just came through the doors. 

It was too late to stop the load to add another suit in. We had to run an extra load to get them cleaned as promised, and it put our schedule back a bit for the day. 

The previous guy probably figured it was a harmless white lie to say he had called in when he hadn’t, or maybe he thought we’d say no if he was honest, since it was past our advertised cut-off time for same-day service. If he had been honest, he still could have gotten his suit cleaned on a rush since we were already holding the machines for someone else. Why he went as far as claiming O’N*** was his dad’s name is completely beyond me.