They All Want To Be Left Holding The Baby

, , , | Working | September 29, 2017

(One of my closest friends works in a shoe shop with very large windows. Our other close friend has gotten me into the habit of making weird faces, or at least waving at her when she’s working; much to the amusement of her coworkers. My insanely sociable one-year-old also likes to wave at her unofficial auntie, and since she loves shoes and all the attention from the other female staff, it’s better than Christmas for her when we go inside. We have just gotten her her first pair of shoes a few weeks ago this incident, which is when her fan-club starts.)

Me: *to daughter* “Oh, Auntie [Friend]’s working today! Say hiya!”

([Friend] waves at us, then runs out of the shop.)

Friend: “Can I borrow your baby?”

Me: “Sure. Give her back when she’s 18!”

Friend: *going inside* “[New Worker]’s on her last day of training here, and we need to train her on fitting baby shoes.”

(We go in, and my daughter gets lots of attention as her feet are measured and the fit of her shoes are checked again. The trainee does a great job, and we go about our business. A few months later, I go in with my mother while my daughter is at home with her dad and my friend is off work.)

Worker: *as we’re leaving* “Where’s your little helper today?”

Me: “At home with her dad; thank God!”

(They laugh, but I can tell they’re disappointed not to see her, which is cute in itself. A few days later, my friend runs outside after waving again.)

Friend: “Can I take her inside? The girls want to see her!”

Me: *smiling* “Okay, you take her there and I’ll take the buggy.”

Friend: “I’m pretty sure if [Owner]’s watching the cameras, he’s wondering why I just stole a baby!”

(My daughter got lots of attention, got to play with shoes, and got to sit in the tiny chair in the kid’s section. I swear, she could set the place on fire and they’d all adore it!)

Hopefully They’re Not Taking Physics

, , , | Right | August 8, 2017

Customer: “Hello, I’m going back to college as a mature student and I need a bag that’s easy on my back and light.”

Me: “Okay, the best bag for your back carrying college books would be a backpack. It spreads the weight evenly.”

Customer: “Oh, no, no. I’m a mature student and I just couldn’t wear one of those. I’m too old. I need something over the shoulder, but light, very light. I’ll have lots of books.”

Me: “I wouldn’t say you’re too old but whatever you prefer. If you have a lot of books then I’d recommend this black nylon satchel with metal clips. It should last you and it’s a very light material.”

(She takes the satchel and off she pops. Next weekend however she’s back.)

Customer: “Hello, I bought this here last week and it was very light but when I took it home and put books in it, it was heavy. Can I exchange it?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, why not?”

Use Cerebro To Make It So

, , , | Romantic | August 5, 2017

(My husband and I are watching one of the X-men movies.)

Me: “No, Captain Picard! That’s a terrible idea; why would you do that?”

Husband: “You do know that’s Professor X right?”

Me: “He’ll always be Captain Picard to me.”

That’ll Teach You To Put A Sock In It

, , | Romantic | July 20, 2017

(My husband is getting ready for work. He takes a rolled up pair of socks and complains that I paired up two wrong socks, which appear to be completely alike except one is a bit longer than the other. I am lying in bed at the moment and we are bantering, me claiming that it’s just one shrinking and the other not, and he busting me for being bad at pairing socks. Then an idea pops into my head. I lift up my shirt and smile. My husband starts walking towards me with a smile, too, and reaches for my boobs.)

Me: “So, you like that?”

Husband: *smiling* “Of course.”

Me: “Despite the fact that one is a bit bigger than the other? So I guess the socks are just fine, then.”

First Date With Bill

, , | Romantic | June 29, 2017

(I’m on a first date with a guy I met through friends. We’re having dinner and drinks in a bar I frequent a lot. He even commented on how the wait staff greeted me by my first name when we arrived, thinking it was funny! It’s come to the end of the night and I’ve been having a great time so far.)

Me: “Thank you so much for a lovely evening! I’ve really enjoyed it.”

Date: “Me, too! We should do this again sometime.”

Me: *I take out my purse* “Sounds good! We should probably ask for the bill though. I hate to cut the evening short but I’ve got work tomorrow and need to catch the last bus home.”

Date: “Yeah… hey, I’ve got this! My treat!”

Me: “Are you sure? Thank you!”

(He goes up to the bar to pay because the restaurant is very busy and there are no servers available. I take that time to double check the bus times on my phone. When he comes back we leave the restaurant together and then go our separate ways. A few days later I’m back at the restaurant for lunch when the manager approaches me…)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name]! Can I talk to you really quickly?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, [Manager]. What’s up?”

Manager: “I just need you to settle up that bill from the other night! You forgot to pay on the way out.”

Me: “What bill?”

Manager: “The bill from your date! It’s all right; we all forget sometimes! How did your date go, by the way?”

(So it turned out the guy asked the bartender to put the bill ‘on her tab’… I tried to text him about it but he blocked my number immediately and then went on to tell our mutual friends the date was ‘a disaster.’ I haven’t seen or heard from him since, but apparently my friends don’t hang out with him anymore either.)

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