A So-Called Engineer Can Only Fix So-Called Problems

, , , | Right | December 2, 2018

(I work in a call centre for an Internet and home phone provider. A customer rings in, very angry and shouting at me.)

Customer: “Fix my phone! Ever since your so-called engineer installed my broadband, it’s had issues.”

Me: “Okay, what is wrong with the phone?”

Customer: “Just fix it.”

Me: “I need to know what’s wrong with it.”

Customer: “Can’t you tell it’s not working?”

Me: “No, I need to you to tell me what’s wrong.”

Customer: “It’s not working; you should know this.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone?”

Customer: “You have no right to know that.”

Me: “Well, if you won’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help. So, if I can’t do anything, I will have to end the call. Bye now!”

Victory Cream!

, , , , | Romantic | November 10, 2018

(My husband gets dozens of zits from dry skin if he doesn’t apply cream to his body after showering. He is lazy to do it and I constantly nag him about it. He also stubbornly claims that the cream does nothing for it, despite knowing full well it does. One day we have this lovely conversation.)

Me: “You should apply cream more often.”

Husband: *interrupts me mid-sentence, triumphantly* “I did, just yesterday! See? You did not notice!”

Me: *simultaneously finishing my sentence* “…because you did yesterday and look, your skin looks so lovely.”

(He got that “busted” look on his face while I was grinning from ear to ear, and honestly he has been doing a big better on the “applying cream” front since then.)


The Express Yourself Lane

, , , | Friendly | October 17, 2018

(I’m loading my shopping at my local supermarket which doesn’t have an express or self service. As a result, it is common to have someone with one or two items to ask if they can go ahead of you when you have a full trolley of items. Usually I don’t mind, but some customers think they automatically have an entitlement to go ahead of you just because they have a couple of items.)

Woman: “I’m just going to go ahead of you. I only have four items, okay?”

Me: “Well, no, because I only have three items.”

Woman: *confused* “But I only have four items.”

Me: “I know, and I have less, so there’s no reason for you to go ahead of me. You need to wait.”

Woman: “But I’m in a rush.”

Me: “So am I. Still not letting you ahead of me.”

Woman: *thinking for a minute* “Well… I’m a pensioner. I’m old and tired. I need to go first.”

Me: *turning to face her fully* “And I’m eight months pregnant, so I’m also tired. I also just finished a full work day and I’m bursting to go to the toilet so, for the last time, you are not going ahead of me.”

A Sure Bet That This Is A Scam

, , , | Right | October 13, 2018

(I’m working at the till in a bookies. Customers write bets on paper with carbon copy and we stamp them in the till when they pay. We keep the original and they keep the copy. After each race, the manager marks up the winners and files them so the counter staff can find them when the customer brings up the winning docket. We have computers to check all results and odds, etc. One of our regulars is a complete gambling addict and is constantly trying to scam us. She bets on the dog races every morning. For this type of race, people typically bet on the trap number rather than the dog name; a bet that just says “three €2” is a perfectly valid bet for €2 on the dog in trap three winning the next race after the till timestamp. This customer keeps all her old dockets, and if trap three wins in a different race later on, she will try to pass it off as a winning docket, so we have to double-check everything she does. One day she decides to try a new scam. She hands me docket for trap number five. I look through the winning dockets; it’s not there. I call up the results.)

Me: “This isn’t a winner.”

Customer: “It is; number three.”

Me: “This says number five.”

Customer: *shouting* “It’s number three.”

Me: “That’s number five.”

(By this stage the manager has found her original docket and brings it over. It clearly says “five.” The manager holds the docket up to the glass.)

Manager: “What does that say? What does it say?”

Customer: “That’s how I write my threes!”

Manager: “Get out; you’re barred!”

Not Happy With The Vitaminimum

, , , , | Related | October 12, 2018

(We give my two-year-old daughter a daily multivitamin, which looks and tastes like a normal jelly sweet/gummy candy. We tell her that they help keep her healthy; we are also trying to teach her about germs and covering her mouth when she coughs. It’s normal for her to try and finagle a second or third vitamin out of us, especially if she sees us take any.)

Daughter: “Teeth sore. Need a vitamin!”

(Another occasion…)

Me: “[Daughter], stay out of the kitchen, please!”

Daughter: “I need something!”

Me: “What do you need?”

Daughter: “Um… a vitamin!”

(On another occasion, she bumps her head quite hard and my husband is comforting her.)

Husband: “What will make it better?”

(Expected answers: cold pack or kiss.)

Daughter: “A vitamin!”

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