Gin & Tonic For The Soul

, , , , | Right | June 7, 2021

I work in the billing department of a mobile phone provider.

Me: “Good evening, how can I help?”

Customer: “Can I pay a bill, please?”

He is the clearest-spoken human being I have ever heard. He is an elderly man with an upper-class English accent. He sounds like an aristocrat.

Me: “Certainly. Can I have your name?”

Customer: “I am Lord [Customer], the Seventh Baron [Town].”

Me: “Thank you. Let me bring up your details.”

His address is an old aristocratic mansion in an affluent area.

Me: “How would you like to pay?”

Customer: “Credit card, please.”

The payment clears.

Me: “Thank you, sir. Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer: “Yes, one large gin and tonic, please.”

I am laughing. I have had customers pull my leg before, but an aristocrat? It was totally unexpected compared to the standard behaviour of many wealthy customers.

Me: “Sure, I’ll see what I can do about that. Have a great weekend!”

Customer: “Only if you do, too!”

I amended his next bill and added a surcharge: “£0.00 — gin & tonic, per customer’s request, [date]”.

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, , , , | Right | May 25, 2021

I’m twenty-seven and just got engaged. I’m serving a woman on the till. She starts laughing.

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Customer: “I’m so sorry. For a minute, I thought you were wearing an engagement ring.”

Me: “I am; I just got engaged to my boyfriend.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me; that’s impossible! You’re no more than fourteen. This Is just a little weekend job for you!”

It was the middle of a weekday, so if I had been fourteen, I would’ve been skipping school!

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Very Middling Advice

, , , | Right | April 23, 2021

I’m working in my cousin’s DIY store for the summer.

Customer #1: “How much grass seed do I need to buy for my lawn?”

Me: “How big is your lawn?”

Customer #1: “Medium.”

Me: “Great. You want an average amount of grass seed — not too much or too little, okay?”

Customer #1: “That’s great, thanks!”

A little while later:

Customer #2: “How much should I water my plants?”

Me: “What kind of plants do you have?”

Customer #2: “They’re all different sizes, mostly around this size.” *Gestures vaguely in the air beside her*

Me: “Okay. Then you want to make sure you don’t water them too much because they’re not really big. But make sure you’d water them more than a really small plant.”

Customer #2: “Thank you. Where can I find a watering can like that?”

Me: “There are watering cans here that you can fill part of the way up or all the way up.”

Customer #2: “That’s a great idea!”

The following day:

Customer #3: “Hi. I need paint for my living room, but I don’t know what kind.”

Me: “That’s no problem. I can show you our indoor paints.”

Customer #3: “Which colour should I get?”

Me: “Here are the really light ones and here are the really dark ones. If you don’t want it too dark or too light, you should pick one in the middle.”

Customer #3: “Thank you. I’ll take a few cans.”

After she leaves, my cousin comes up to me angrily.

Cousin: “How are you doing this? How are they accepting your advice when they don’t know what they want or how much they need?!”

Me: “Babysitting for fifteen years. It’s basically the same thing.”

This story is part of our Best Of April 2021 roundup!

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Shorties Unite! Way Down Here…

, , , , | Working | April 14, 2021

I’m a techie, travelling with a small play to be performed at a Womens’ Playwriting conference in Galway. The lighting designer and I go to check out the performance space that the play will be performed in.

We enter at the back of the auditorium and walk the tiered steps down toward the stage. The lighting tech is asking his assistant to adjust a light over the seating, but before the assistant can get there, the lighting designer — 6’5″ — just reaches up and makes the adjustment; he can reach it easily.

The lighting tech, who’s maybe 5’7″ or so, looks at the lighting designer and then down at his own legs, and shouts, “GROW, d*** ye!”

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Eggs-pecting Breakfast!

, , | Right | April 13, 2021

The restaurant where I work doesn’t open until 12:00 pm every day. We do not and have never served breakfast or brunch. It’s about 11:30 and I am outside setting up the tables and chairs. It has started to rain. Two American tourists approach me:

Tourist #1: “Are you serving breakfast?”

Me: “No, I’m very sorry, but we don’t actually serve breakfast and we’re not open until 12:00 pm.”

Tourist #2: “But [Other Business] told us you did!”

Me: “Well, I’m very sorry about that. They must have been mistaken and confused us with another restaurant. Perhaps—”

Tourist #2: “BUT I WANT EGGS!”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry but we don’t serve eggs or any kind of breakfast, nor are we open right now. You’re welcome to come back at twelve when we’ll be serving lunch.”

Tourist #2: “But I want eggs, and [Other Business] told us you do breakfast!”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry, but they must have been mistaken.”

Tourist #1: “Well, do you know anywhere else around that serves eggs?”

Me: “Sure—”

Tourist #2: “And it has to be near because it’s raining and I don’t want to walk too far because we’ve already walked all this way!”

Me: “Okay, well, there’s [Hotel] around the corner. I’m not sure if they’re still doing breakfast at this hour but you could definitely try. There’s also [Pub] or [Café] or [Restaurant].”

Tourist #2: “Do any of them serve eggs? I want eggs!”

Me: “I honestly can’t be 100% sure of what they all serve. There’s a lovely cafe around the corner that does really nice pastries and coffee and might do some breakfast, if that’s any help?”

The second woman is sighing and rolling her eyes.

Tourist #1: “Okay, thank you for your help. We’ll try there.”

They finally left and I was left standing there wondering exactly how this woman expected me to help her. Did she expect me to whip out some eggs and a frying pan from my pocket and start cooking on the street?

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