(One of our employees is complaining that her laptop is going really slow, so I’ve been told to take a look at it.)

Me: “Well, here’s the problem. Your computer has a 200GB hard drive and you’re using 193GB of space. Copy your old personal files to DVD and clean out your personal files. It should run better then.”

Employee: “Oh, okay! I’ll go home and do that tonight!”

(The next day, the employee complains that their computer won’t turn on. I go down to take a look at it.)

Me: “Hmm, it’s trying to boot but won’t. Did you delete anything from your Windows folder or mess with any of the settings before Windows starts?”

(Note: technically, she shouldn’t have been able to change Windows settings I removed her permissions access, and she shouldn’t have known how to mess with BIOS.)

Employee: “I don’t know! I did what you told me. I cleaned out my files!”

Me: “Okay, but did you remove anything that I should know about?”

Employee: “I don’t think so. The machine did most of the work!”

Me: “You mean you ran the Windows Disk Cleanup?”

Employee: “No, the machine! The dishwasher!”

Me: *confused* “Dishwasher? You mean you had a friend do it?”

(Silly me… I assumed she meant a restaurant dishwasher—somebody who works at a restaurant somewhere cleaning dishes but is also a tech-savvy friend.)

Employee: “No! The dishwasher! You told me to clean out my files, so I did! I think the keyboard shrank a little in the hot water cycle, though. Should I have used cold water only?”

(I’ve transferred from a store in the city where I went to college to a store in my home town after moving back. It’s my first day.)

Coworker: “So, you’re new?”

Me: “I’m new to this store, but I’m a transfer from Burlington, Vermont.”

Coworker: “Where’s that?”

Me: “Vermont.”

Coworker: *blank look*

Me: “Vermont… it’s a state.”

Coworker: “Oh. Never heard of it.”

(Later, I discover that several of my other colleagues also have never heard of Vermont. My manager asks me about my day and I tell him about this.)

Me: “I tried to explain what store I was from, but a few of the other associates have never heard of Vermont. It’s only ten hours away from here.”

Manager: “Oh, well… they are still in college.”

Me: “That’s fifth grade geography.”

Manager: *blank look*

(I work at a large factory and am spread across all three shifts. Sometimes, I don’t make it to certain areas for weeks. I’m also a newlywed of one year, and am the same size as when I got married. One day. I run into an older female employee.)

Employee: “Wow! Haven’t seen you in a while!”

Me: “Yes, sorry. It’s been crazy around here.”

Employee: “So, I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Employee: “Are you expecting?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m not.”

Employee: “Oh! Well, marriage looks good on you then.”

Me: “Um, thanks?”

Employee: “Don’t worry, dear. I gained 40 pounds after I got married!”

Me: *speechless*

Employee: “There’s no shame in letting yourself go a little.” *winks*

Me: *speechless*

(I recently bought a new computer to replace my previous one, which is over 20 years old and is completely obsolete. The following happens at an electronics store while I am shopping for a new modem. As the salesman shows me different models of modem, the conversation shifts to my new computer.)

Me: “I’m glad we finally bought a new computer. The old one is really obsolete. Surprisingly, it’s still working!”

Salesman: “Wait, so you have two computers now? Well, you should buy a router rather than a modem. That way, you can get internet on both computers.”

(The salesman immediately puts the modems away and starts looking in the routers alley, which are around 20 bucks more expensive than a modem.)

Me: “No, no. We are putting the old computer away. We will just use the new one.”

Salesman: “Well, if you had a router, you could still use the old one just in case.”

Me: “No, no. The old one is a 1990 Power Mac. It’s pretty obsolete nowadays, so we won’t use it anymore. I just need a modem for the new one.”

Salesman: “Your new computer is a Mac, too?”

Me: “Uhm, no.”

Salesman: “Then, I’ll have to find a router compatible both with Mac and PC. Let’s see…”

(Ignoring me, he starts searching in the expensive end of the router section.)

Me: *giving up* “Let me guess. You guys get a commission on all sales?”

Salesman: *absentmindedly* “Yes, why do you ask?”

(Note: It is Valentine’s Day, I am single, and a bit upset about it. This occurs when I am calling to order a new ATM card from my bank.)

Employee: “Okay, you should be getting your new card in the mail within a few weeks.”

Me: “Awesome. Thank you.”

Employee: “No problem. I should probably wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day, but I f****** hate today!”

Me: “That is exactly what I needed to hear!”