You Can National Trust There To Be Some Good Stories

, , , , , | Right | March 31, 2020

(I volunteer under the National Trust at a property where visitors to the house are given tokens to give to us at the door as proof of payment. These tokens are about the same size and shape as a 10p coin.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Property]! Do you have your tokens for me today?”

Visitor: “Oh… yes… Hang on, they’re in this pocket… Here.”

(He holds out a token and a 10p coin. I joke with him, as I do every time this happens:)

Me: *laughing* “Ah, is this my tip?!”

(Immediately, the man pulls back his hand in horror and stares at me.)

Visitor: “We have to tip the volunteers? But… I didn’t tip the one at the gate? Was that rude? Should I go back? [Daughter], why don’t you run back and give the man on the gate—”

Me: “No, sir, no, I didn’t– Just the other token, please. It’s just a joke I do; a lot of people mistake change for the tokens.”

Visitor: “Oh, thank God! That really scared me! Don’t scare people like that! Why would you say that? You’ll get complaints!”

(I have done it since and no one else has had a reaction like that… or complained! Other stories I love:)

Tiny Little Girl #1: “Are there any ghosts here?”

Me: “Apparently a couple, but wouldn’t you be scared of them?”

Tiny Little Girl #2: “No! We’re ghost hunting!”

Me: “Ah, well, there are some in the study–“

Tiny Little Girl #2: “WHERE IS THE STUDY?”

Tiny Little Girl #1: “Has anyone died here?”

(Also: a drunk man drains his entire mini bottle of Prosecco in the entrance hall.)

Drunk Man: “Where can I put this?”

(And finally:)

Man: “This place really needs some newer furniture.”

Me: “This house was built in the eighteenth century.”

Man: “Exactly!”

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Jumping Through Life Ten Centimeters At A Time

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2020

(I’m at an Olympic Museum in Germany, as a tourist. The museum encourages people to try out a lot of things. I spot a girl, three to four years old, ready to try the long jump — an event where you run toward the white line and jump as far as you can. I don’t speak German, but this was very easy to understand.)

Little Girl: “Four, three, two, one… Get ready, set… Go!”

(She ran as fast as her little legs could, showing concentration. She reached the white line and… stopped. She gathered her strength and jumped as far as she could! It was about ten centimeters. The girl threw her hands into the air and started cheering. I couldn’t help but applaud the little girl.)

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Beautifully Weird

, , , , | Right | March 23, 2020

(I’m ringing up a couple and their son, who is about four years old. The boy keeps talking to me throughout the entire purchase. He’s very blunt and quite honestly hilarious.)

Boy: “What’s your name? You’re pretty!”

Me: “Aw, thank you! My name is [My Name].”

Boy: “That’s a weird name!”

Dad: *turns red* “No, son. Tell her it’s a beautiful name!”

Son: “It’s beautiful!” 

(I didn’t even care. I was too busy laughing.)

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The Most Relatable Toddler

, , , | Healthy | March 8, 2020

(On the morning of my son’s two-year-old “well-child” checkup, he wakes up unusually grumpy. Shockingly, the news that he has to go to see the pediatrician does not improve his mood, so in an effort to get him to stop whining in the back of the car, I make an absolute rookie mistake. I promise him that after his appointment, I will take him on a trip to his favorite place. I then discover that I have the kind of two-year-old who neither understands nor accepts the concept of “after,” and as such, the following interaction happens at least six times in the next 45 minutes:)

Son: *wordlessly bawling at the top of his lungs*

Nurse: “Oh, no, what’s the matter?”

Son: “I WANT TO GO TO TARGET.”

Nurse: “Me, too, honey. Me, too.”

(At least he did not scream at the doctor. Instead, he gently wept and whispered, “Please. Target.”)

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Sounds Like An Expert To Us

, , , , | Related | March 1, 2020

I’m ringing up a customer who is buying chocolate bars with his young daughter. She’s probably four years old. He pays and then goes to put the two chocolate bars in his jacket pocket when his daughter stops him.

Daughter:
“Dad! No! Don’t do that! It will make a mess!”

Customer:
“It’s okay. They will be fine”

Daughter:
“Trust me, Dad. I have years of experience with putting chocolate in my pockets!”

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