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Please Burn Before Returning

, , , | Right | April 4, 2009

(I work at a large outdoor equipment store. I had an older woman approach the register with a female urinary device, which is used for winter mountaineering so that women can use pee bottles in their tents.)

Me: “Howdy. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking at this – do they work well?”

Me: “Uh, well, I imagine so, but I don’t have any experience with that product.”

Customer: “Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

Me: “We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee on everything we sell here in the store. I will ask, however, that if you return it, you clean it first and double bag it!”

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Dealing With Customers Is Child’s Play

, , | Right | April 3, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company], this is [My Name], how may I help you?”

Customer: *laughing hysterically* “Is there a grown-up there?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: *still laughing* “Is there a grown-up there? You sound like a child!”

Me: “Oh, thank you ma’am, but I’m an adult. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Are you sure? You sound like you’re three! What do they do, hire children?”

Me: “No, I’m 22 actually. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Pass me to someone who sounds like an adult.”

Me: “I don’t think we’ll be able to help you.” *hangs up*

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Heal The Blind, Raise The Dead, & Now A Book Deal

, , , , | Right | April 3, 2009

Customer: “I’m looking for the autobiography of Jesus.”

Me: “Um, do you mean a biography of Jesus?”

Customer: “No! I want the AUTO-biography of Jesus! Where would it be?”

Me: “Well, I guess you could try the Bible section…”


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Chilly Reception

, , | Right | April 3, 2009

(I was working at the kiosk where we sell sweets and drinks when this transaction occurred with an old woman over the bottled water.)

Customer: “Is that water cold?”

Me: “Yes, it’s just out of the fridge.”

Customer: “I don’t see a fridge.”

(I gesture towards the fridge a few feet away from the kiosk.)

Customer: “Can’t I just have one out of there?”

Me: “Yeah, of course.”

(I fetch her one out of the fridge.)

Customer: “That doesn’t look too cold to me.”

Me: “…well, you can feel for yourself, if you like. It really is quite cold.”

Customer: “No. You do it.”

(I put my hand against the bottle and then pretend to flinch.)

Me: “You’re right, ma’am, it’s boiling hot. I’m very sorry about that.”

Customer: “I’ll just have a Coke then.”

Me: “…”

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Yes, Boarded Up Windows Will Send The Right Message

, | Right | April 2, 2009

(Our store was recently renovated with big glass front windows.)

Customer: “Wow, they renovated.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Aren’t you afraid someone might come and shoot out the windows?”

Me: “No, actually, it hadn’t really crossed my mind.”

Customer: “Well, you should be concerned!”

Me: “I’m not. I can’t say I’ve worried over that.”

Customer: “Well, this is downtown. These things happen! You should be worried!”

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