(I am spelling my email address over the phone to get a confirmation notice for an order.)

Me: “A-S-K-A—”

Representative: “A-S-pay-A?”

Me: “No, A-S-K like ‘ask.’”

Representative: “Oh, A like ‘ask,’ S like ‘swan,’ K like ‘cat.’”

Me: “That’s right, A-S-K-A… No, wait…”

Representative: “I’m sorry; I mean K as in ‘cobra’!”

Me: “…”

Representative: “Kangaroo! Kangaroo.”

Me: “That’s the one.”

Representative: “Sorry, I’m really not awake yet.”

Me: “No problem. I was about to go right along with you!”

(My cousin likes to force her five-year-old son to conform to some high standard of a perfect little boy like you’d see in a magazine and doesn’t allow him to actually act like a small child. We like to instill a little whimsy in him whenever she’s not around. We’re currently taking him to a street fair, and my sister finds a dandelion that’s turned to puff.)

Sister: “Look! If you see a dandelion that looks like that, you can make a wish and blow on it, and it’ll carry your wish into the sky!”

(He excitedly blows on it ,and we continue walking. He sees the prettiest fall leaf — the first of the season — on the sidewalk, and excitedly picks it up.)

Cousin: “My wish came true!”

(He had a smile on his face for the rest of the day.)

(I am babysitting for two boys, ages two and seven. The two-year-old is still in diapers, and is very wriggly when I try to change his diaper. He even kicks me in the face sometimes. On this particular occasion, he has diarrhea, and it’s a mess. I’m attempting to change his diaper, but he keeps moving and making more of a mess. The seven-year-old comes over.)

Seven-Year-Old: “I can hold his legs for you while you change him.”

Me: “Are you sure? It’s going to smell pretty bad when I fully open the diaper.”

Seven-Year-Old: “I’m sure.” *grabs his brother’s legs* “Whenever you’re ready.”

(I open the younger boy’s diaper. A smell like death fills the room. I try to clean him up and change him quickly, but the older boy and I both are gagging and having to turn away repeatedly. I finally finish changing the boy’s diaper, and he runs off. The older boy and I quickly dispose of the diaper and run into the kitchen to wash our hands and get a breath of air that doesn’t smell deadly. I get an idea.)

Me: “Are you hungry at all?”

Seven-Year-Old: “Yeah, a bit.”

Me: “How about some cookies? I think we deserve them.”

Seven-Year-Old: “Yeah! Thanks!”

(We begin eating cookies when the younger boy comes over and looks at me expectantly.)

Two-Year-Old: “Cookie?”

Seven-Year-Old: “NO! NAUGHTY AND STINKY BOYS DON’T GET COOKIES!”

(I didn’t stop laughing for an hour.)

(I am the customer in this story. I have recently rescued a kitten, named Caboose after a much-loved character in a web series I am obsessed with. The character is known for accidentally causing catastrophes and blaming another character. I am playing with Caboose in my lap next to my phone when I realize that he has been playing with the screen and has called my phone’s support line.)

Support: “Hello, [Company] Support. My name is [Support]; how can I help you today?”

Me: “Uh… hi. Sorry, but my kitten appears to have paw-dialed you guys.”

Support: “That’s okay! Is there anything you needed to ask, anyway, while we’re on?”

Me: “Mm, nope! Caboose just enjoys eating my phone case. Thanks, though!”

Support: *still cheerful* “It’s not his fault. Tucker did it.”

Me: “I love your company now.”

(I work in a shoe store. Today this guy comes in, and picks out and pays for work boots. Then, this happens:)

Associate: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any bags big enough for this box.”

Customer: “Then I don’t want them. Give me my money back.”

Associate: “Ooookay…”