Chroniton & Paste

, , , , | Right | February 28, 2011

(Note: I run the scoring system at swim meets for my local pool.)

Parent: “Do you mind pulling up my son’s race time?”

Me: “No problem. What race?”

Parent: “32.”

(I glance over at the announcer’s table. Race 25 is currently swimming.)

Me: “Oh, so you want his qualification time? Sure, I can pull that up.”

Parent: “No, no. I want his race time.”

Me: “You do realize that the race hasn’t happened yet, right?”

Parent: “Oh, that matters? Okay, then… switch him into an earlier race.”

Me: “Even if I switched him into a race that had already happened, it wouldn’t make your son’s time appear in the system. The computer doesn’t work that way.”

Parent: “It doesn’t?”

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Me, Myself, And Iced Tea

, , , , | Right | February 28, 2011

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Restaurant]!”

Wife: “Hello. We’ll take two buffets, please.”

Me: “Alright, would you like drinks?”

Wife: “I would.”

Me: “And you, sir?”

Husband: *gives me an odd look, nods slightly, and then looks at his wife*

Wife: *to her husband* “What’s that look for?”

Husband: *completely serious* “I don’t like it when people talk to me. I can’t hear the voices…”

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Whipped For The Cream

, , , | Right | February 27, 2011

(A male customer comes into my cafe and spends five minutes staring at the baked goods before finally coming up to order.)

Customer: “Well, there’s no manly way to say this: I want a cream puff.”

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Downgraded Membership

, , , , , | Right | February 27, 2011

(I’m nineteen and go to college.)

Customer: “Oh, I think you have class with my daughter, Kayla.”

Me: “I don’t think I know her. What year is she?”

Customer: “10th.”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “10th grade.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m in college.”

Customer: “Sure you are, sweetie.” *winks*

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Her Banking Days Are Numbered

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2011

Caller: “Why does the automated system say it can’t find my card?! I’ve been complaining about this for months now, and I’m really disappointed it isn’t fixed!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. Let me see what I can find. Can I have your card number, please?”

(The caller reads off twelve numbers.)

Me: “And the last four?”

Caller: “Oh! You need all sixteen? Do you suppose that’s why it couldn’t find my account?”

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