It All Comes From The Great Sofa Tree

, , , | Right | December 5, 2019

(I’m helping a friend at a craft show. He’s a woodworker selling furniture pieces, so he has a large tent with a no food or drink sign outside. I see a customer walk in with a cup of lemonade that’s sweating in the heat. He starts to set it down on a table.)

Me: “Hey! Please don’t put that there!”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “You’ll leave a water ring on the tabletop, or it could spill.”

Customer: “Well, then you need to get tables that are sturdier. You know people are going to bring drinks in here to look at what you have for sale and set stuff down.”

Me: “The table is what’s for sale!”

Customer: “What?!” *looking around the booth, confused*

Me: “We are here selling handmade furniture.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows you can’t make furniture!” *goes to set his drink down again*

Me: “Sir, you need to leave. Now. Or I’m contacting security.”

(He left, puffing in indignity.)

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Putting The Pain Into Campaign

, , , | Right | December 4, 2019

(I am volunteering at a booth at the local county fair. I’m running a bit late for my scheduled shift, so I’m hurrying past the various tents and stands. One that I pass belongs to one of the two main political parties. I barely even glance at the tent, since I’m more focused on getting to where I need to be. As I pass, the man running the political tent shouts:)

Campaigner: “Too scared to talk to us, huh?”

(Way to make sure I DON’T vote for your candidates, dude.)

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It’s Time For Them To Back Off

, , , , | Right | November 6, 2019

(I’m part of a falconry display at a fair, holding a Yellow-Billed Kite for people to look at and hold. A woman comes over to see.)

Woman: “Ooh, he’s lovely what is he?”

Me: “He’s a Yellow-Billed kite called Asbo.”

Woman: “Is it okay to pet him?”

Me: “Yes, but only on his chest, please.”

(I demonstrate where to stroke him but the woman immediately starts to stroke his back and his wings. A friend of mine comes over.)

Me: “Please don’t stroke his back; birds spend a lot of time waterproofing their feathers, and our oily hands strip that off.”

Woman: *continues to stroke his back* “Ooh, he’s so soft.”

Me & Friend: “Please stop that now.”

Woman: *still stroking his back* “Why?”

Me: “You’re taking his waterproof layer off his feathers; he needs it.”

Woman: “Oh.”

(She was still stroking his back, so I had to physically remove her hand from the bird, to which she walked off in a strop.)

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The Ear Is The Problem, Not The Earring

, , , | Right | October 10, 2019

(I’m an art vendor selling my own beaded jewelry. For each pair of earrings I make, I create a beaded design and then attach it to an earring hook, earring stud, or ear clip. All earrings can be converted to a different type, and I have signs around my booth saying that I will do the conversion for no additional charge. Most customers have no trouble understanding this. But at one fair, two customers enter my booth and look at the jewelry pieces on display. One picks up a pair of earrings attached to ear clips.)

Customer: “I like these earrings. But I don’t wear clip-ons.”

Me: “Oh, that’s no problem. I can easily convert them to pierced earrings. It’ll take me about five minutes, probably less, and it’s no extra charge.”

Customer: “Well, I like them but I just don’t wear clip-ons, so…”

Me: “Um, well, like I said, I can convert them. I have earring wires and studs. It’s no extra cost for me to convert them to pierced earrings, if you don’t mind waiting a few minutes. I can do it right now.”

Customer: “Sorry. I just don’t wear clip-ons, so I’m not interested in buying these.”

Me: *thoroughly confused, since I don’t know how I could be any clearer about her options* “Um… okay, then…”

(The customer set the earrings down on the table, and then she and her friend left the booth.)

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Find My iPhone: The People Version

, , , , | Friendly | October 8, 2019

(It’s the last night of the county fair, so it’s very crowded. I’m waiting in line with some other parents for their kids to get off a ride that spins you around as it tilts on an axel. As the ride tilts downward, I see something go flying from the ride towards the trucks and generators nearby, just barely missing a windshield. A woman walks away from the crowd and crouches under a pickup truck parked in the mud. When she stands up I see her holding a new iPhone. The woman carefully makes her way through the crowd to the ride operator.)

Woman: “Someone on the ride lost this.”

(When the ride stops, the operator grabs her microphone.)

Operator: “Attention, riders! I got a new phone over here! Anyone lose a phone?”

(The riders all pointed to a teenage girl in tears, and then moved aside so she could get off first.)

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