My little cousin is having a major tantrum during a visit to my grandpa’s place. She wasn’t being calmed down by her parents in the slightest.

Grandpa: *To my cousin.* “You wanna try calming down, dear?”

Cousin: “No! I’m p***ed off!”

That was the first time we’d ever heard her say anything like that. The rest of us (including her parents) are a little shocked. Grandpa, for his part, just shrugs.

Grandpa: “Well, it’s better to be p***ed off than p***ed on.”

The little shock from before leads to bigger shock – enough shock for my cousin’s parents to finally take her outside to calm down.

Thanks, Grandpa.

My five-year-old cousin is in the back seat of the car with my aunt (his mom) driving.

Cousin: “Can we get McDonald’s on the way home?”

Aunt: “Yes, if you can spell McDonald’s.”

About five seconds later he says:

Cousin: “Uh… Can we get KFC instead?”

Over the weekend, we are at my cousin’s place. Her mom is visiting. Because high cholesterol runs in the family, my cousin decides to do the right thing: she buys the leanest pork mince she can find, twice the price of the regular kind, and proudly explains it.

Cousin: “We’re eating super healthy this weekend. I got the best lean mince for the meatballs.”

Her mom smiles and offers to prepare it. She cooks well, though in a very old-fashioned way, so my cousin agrees.

A few minutes later, we hear the following from the kitchen:

Cousin: “Mom? What’s going on?”

She walks in and freezes. Her mother is standing over the bowl, steadily pouring vegetable oil into the mince.

Cousin: “MOM! What are you doing?!”

Mom: *Calmly, like nothing’s wrong.* “I’m just making it better with some fat.”

Cousin: *Furious.* “Better? I bought that lean mince on purpose to keep it healthy! For you! You’re on cholesterol medication, and you just drowned it in oil!”

Her mother shrugs, still stirring.

Mom: “Lean meat is too dry.”

Cousin: “I spent all that effort and money to keep you healthy, and you undid it in seconds. You might as well have poured it straight down the drain!”

All her effort to protect her mom’s health was thrown away by the very person who needs it most.

My sister and her kids are visiting. My kids and hers are around the same age so usually the cousins all get along, usually…

My Kid: *Sticks her tongue out at her cousin.*

Cousin: “No thanks… I use toilet paper.”

I immediately shared eye contact with my sister, as we both tried to hold in our laughter. Where are the sixth graders learning these comebacks!?

Me: “So yeah, I’m gay. But I don’t know what everyone’s going to think about it. I mean, what would [cousin] say? What would Grandma say?”

Oldest Brother: “What would [Cousin] say?’ Really? [Cousin]?”

Me: “Well, not just her. But yes, also her.”

Oldest Brother: “[Cousin], who is over thirty and who has never even dated anyone her whole life? And wore a suit to my wedding?”

Me: “Yes, her! What if she says—”

Oldest Brother: “—Who owns at least three shirts with an ace-of-spades on it? With the purple, green, white, and black badges all over her bag? The one who signs off every text message with “the family triple-A battery”? THAT [Cousin]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Oldest Brother: “Then the only thing you’re going to have to worry about is how you will pass the IQ test they’re going to make you take.”

Yes. It turns out my oldest cousin is aromantic, asexual, AND agender, but so easy-going about pronouns that I just had never actually noticed. My coming out to the family went well. But I am still paying off my brother’s silence.

CORRECTION: A misspelled word has been corrected.