Crafty Cousin Contrives Crude Consequence For Crazy Car Companion

, , , , , , , | Related | April 2, 2019

(I’m out driving with my cousin and aunt. My aunt is a horrible back-seat driver.)

Aunt: “The turn is coming! Get ready for the turn! It’s coming!”

Cousin: “I know where the turn is! Shh!”

Aunt: “Will you change lanes already?!”

Cousin: “Listen. Have I ever got lost driving? No! Have I accidentally ever missed a turn? Maybe once or twice, but not near enough for you to be yapping away like that. Now, zip it, or I’ll embarrass the heck out of you!”

Aunt: “You wouldn’t dare! Red light!

(The red light in question is a decent distance ahead of us and my cousin had already started to slow down before our aunt screamed. Once stopped, he looks at me in the rearview mirror with an evil grin on his face.)

Cousin: “Just wait a few minutes. We have a brief stop to make.”

Aunt: “Wait, what?” *eyes widen* “You wouldn’t!”

(My cousin just keeps grinning. After a couple of minutes of silence, he pulls into the parking lot of an adult video and toy store and rolls down the window.)

Cousin: “HEY, EVERYONE! THIS IS MY MOM, [AUNT]!”

(My aunt’s face turns bright red and she tries to duck out of view.)

Aunt: “Stop it! Get out of here! [Cousin], no!”

Cousin: “SHE’S LOOKING TO BUY ADULT PARAPHERNALIA FOR THE FIRST TIME! WE GOT A NEWBIE, HERE, BUT WHOA, IS SHE READY TO LEARN!”

(My aunt just made embarrassed whimpers and tried to hide her face while my cousin drove out of the parking lot and back on the road. My cousin had a satisfied smile on his face almost the entire way to our destination, and my aunt never tried to be a back-seat driver to him ever again.)

Being A Big Baby About It

, , , , , , | Related | March 25, 2019

(My husband and I both dislike children, so we didn’t invite any children to our wedding and we spread the word that we didn’t want any kids or babies there. Most family and friends were cool with it and either clubbed together to pay for a crèche service for the day or sent us their regrets that they wouldn’t be able to come. All fine, until I get a phone call from one of my cousins.)

Cousin: “I just heard that my baby isn’t invited to your wedding even though I am?!”

Me: “Sorry, but we’re not inviting any children or babies to our wedding.”

Cousin: “You selfish c***! What do you expect me to do?!”

Me: “Either find someone to look after your baby for the day or don’t come to the wedding. We understand that people who can’t be without their children for whatever reason won’t be able to come, and that’s totally fine.”

Cousin: “What are you going to do once you start having babies?! Huh?!”

Me: “We’re not having any kids, but that’s irrelevant. We don’t want children at our wedding, and we’re paying for it, so we can make the rules.”

Cousin: “F*** you, you selfish c***. I’ll turn up with my baby, anyway! You won’t notice she’s there; she’s quiet. The wedding isn’t about you! Selfish! Selfish!”

Me: “If you’re going be this insulting, then you’re uninvited, anyway.”

Cousin: “You can’t do that, and you can’t ban babies from a wedding! It’s not a real marriage if you’re not having kids, anyway, you stupid c***.” *hangs up*

(She DID, in fact, show up on the day of the wedding with her baby in tow, despite telling us via email she wouldn’t come to our “sham wedding” after that phone call. The rest of our guests told her to GTFO, so she ended up driving 40 miles home again right away! I only found out about this after the wedding, which went very well. We have a lovely, happy, childless marriage now.)

Painting A Barren Landscape

, , , , , | Related | March 8, 2019

(I’m talking on the phone to my cousin shortly after a big family party.)

Cousin: “Oh, by the way, I was so sorry to hear about [Daughter]’s problem.”

Me: “Huh? Which problem?”

Cousin: “Well, that she’s… not able to have children.”

Me: “What?! [Daughter] isn’t infertile, at least that I’ve heard.”

Cousin: “She told me she was!”

(Immediately after finishing this conversation, I call my daughter.)

Me: “Why is [Cousin] under the impression that you’re sterile?”

Daughter: “Probably because I told him I was.”

Me: “Was there some reason for this or was it just a passing fancy?”

Daughter: “He kept bugging me about [Son-In-Law] and I having kids, and I didn’t think it was any of his business, so I told him I couldn’t get pregnant to get him to shut up.”

Me: “[Daughter]! He feels terrible!”

Daughter: “What? Telling someone they ought to be having kids is rude. You’d tell me off if I did it to someone. He acted like a jacka**; now he feels like a jacka**. Maybe another time he’ll stop and think about it before he says something similar to someone who actually can’t get pregnant.”

Me: *after a pause* “I blame your father. You turned out too clever.”

Daughter: “Love you, too, Mom.”

Textbook Case Of Creepiness

, , , , , , , | Related | January 10, 2019

(My older brother and I have a typical brother-sister relationship, though most everyone I meet says we’re way closer than a lot of siblings. One day, my cousin, who lives nearby and has always been best friends with my brother, comes over. They’re both three years older, and we all live at our homes. My girlfriend comes over, too.)

Brother: “[My Name]! [Girlfriend] is here!”

Me: “Thanks!”

(My cousin walks into the room just as I greet my girlfriend, and we move to go upstairs.)

Cousin: “Hey, what’s a pretty girl like you doing holding those textbooks? Let [My Name] carry them!” *laughs, grinning at my girlfriend and my brother*

Brother: “Actually, you should let me carry them.”

(I’m shocked because it sounds like my brother is flirting with her, and I thought he would never do that.)

Girlfriend: “No. I’ve got them, thank you very much.”

(She sneers, though I know she’s scared, because my brother is probably a foot taller than us, and my cousin isn’t much smaller.)

Brother: “Please, just one?”

(He winks at me, where my cousin can’t see, and I nod to my girlfriend. My brother takes the books and whirls around, hitting my cousin in the head.)

Me: “[Brother]!”

Brother: “Leave. Now.”

Cousin: “What the f***, man?

Brother: “You’ve always been a creep, and I put up with it when it was about porn stars and s***, but my sister’s girlfriend? No way! Get the f*** out of my house and don’t come back!”

Cousin: “You’re a [LGBT slur], [My Name]? No wonder you’re so ugly! I—“

Brother: “SHUT. THE. F***. UP! NOW!”

(My brother throws the book on the floor, and grabs my cousin’s hair, which is past his ears.)

Brother: “[My Name], door!”

(I scrambled over the railing, dropped a foot to the floor, and ran to open the door. My brother pulled our cousin along and threw him outside. I moved to slam the door, but my cousin grabbed my arm and started screaming cuss words. He tried to yank me outside, but my brother punched him in the face, and as soon as our cousin let go of me, slammed the door closed, locking it. Obviously, we didn’t drive him home, and things were a bit tense at Christmas.)

Wedlocked Into That Narrow-Mindedness

, , , , , | Related | January 2, 2019

(When I am born, my mom isn’t married. Due to circumstances good enough for another story, my mom becomes a single, working mom. At one point when I’m about four, my mom takes me to a dinner with family at her cousin’s. When everyone else is seated at the nicely-set-up dining room table, my mom’s aunt comes in, sees me, and says:)

Cousin’s Mom: *slightly irate* “I’m not sitting at the same table as a child born out of wedlock!”

Cousin: *recovering more quickly than the rest* “Oh, no problem, Mom. I’ll set the table for you in the kitchen, then, shall I?”

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