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Spoilers: The Whole Death Thing Apparently Didn’t Stick

, , , , , , | Related | May 15, 2022

My youngest cousin is, frankly, annoying as h***. She always has to be better than anyone, and her sense of humour consists of mocking, insulting, or hitting other people. Unfortunately, when she was little, most people thought it was cute and let her get away with it. She’s also very religious and has a “holier-than-thou” attitude. The majority of my family members are atheists and got tired of her attempts to proselytize us long ago, but at my brother’s wedding, she finds a new victim.

Cousin: “Have you welcomed Jesus into your heart yet?”

Friend: “Uh. I’ve heard of him. Personally, I’m a follower of the Raven Queen.”

Cousin: “But Jesus is our saviour! Don’t you want to go to Heaven? Have you even read the Bible?”

Friend: “Bits, yeah, in school.”

Cousin: “You should really take it more to heart! It speaks about how Jesus sacrificed Himself and died for our sins!”

Friend: “Don’t spoiler me! I didn’t get to that part yet!”

At this point, everyone around was listening, ready to save him from our over-zealous cousin. We all burst out laughing. So far, she hasn’t tried again!

It’s Like A Hug For Your Neck!

, , , , , | Related | April 15, 2022

One of my older cousins got married when I was in my early teens. Some of the bridal shower decorations were made with pearly pale pink beads. There were a few packs of beads leftover, so I used some of them to make a short necklace for my cousin. It didn’t look too different from any other inexpensive faux pearl necklace.

A few weeks later, she brought up the subject of the necklace.

Cousin: “It really is beautiful. Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome!”

Cousin: “You know the best part?”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “I get to tell people, ‘Oh, my cousin made me a necklace for my wedding shower!’ and they assume I’m talking about a little kid. Then, I point to my neck and say, ‘Isn’t it pretty?’ and the look on their face is hilarious!”

She’s mostly stopped wearing jewelry since the birth of her first child, but I’m glad she got a few laughs out of it before it had to be hidden from grabby baby hands!

Well, The TV Still Works, Right?

, , , , , , | Related | April 1, 2022

My cousin and his fiancé invite my family over for dinner at their new house. Having lived there for only a few weeks, they don’t have everything set up yet. I notice their TV isn’t mounted and is leaning against the wall. Later, his fiancé brings it up and I mention I noticed.

Fiancé: “Yeah, a couple of weeks ago [Cousin] invited a couple of his buddies over to help mount the TV and watch the game, and he told them to bring beer and tools. There was a mix-up as to who was bringing what, and they both only brought beer and ended up just drinking all night.”

Her Priorities Seem Fine

, , , , , , , | Related | March 8, 2022

I’m getting married. Some extended family decide they don’t like it because my fiancée and I are both women. My dad isn’t having any of their nonsense.

Cousin: “How are you going to explain it to the kids?”

Dad: “Explain what?”

Cousin: “That their sister isn’t marrying a man! They’re too young to understand.”

Dad: “I’ve been married four times and they’ve handled that just fine. But okay. I’ll explain.”

He turns to my youngest sister, who is seven years old.

Dad: “Hey, [Sister], your sister is getting married to a woman.”

Sister: “Are we going to the wedding?”

Dad: “Yeah.”

Sister: “Will there be cake?”

Dad: “Sure will. But there are two brides, not a bride and a groom.”

Sister: “Okay. Will I be able to have some of the cake?”

Dad: *To the cousin* “I think she’s fine.”

My sister is a big fan of my wife. There are pictures of them at the reception hugging and eating cake together.

Currently Seeking Translators Fluent In Geek

, , , , , | Related | January 31, 2022

My girlfriend’s parents have arranged a Christmas-before-Christmas event so that their relatives will be able to attend before the state borders get shut down for lockdown again. It is a full formal Sunday lunch — the good china, placemats, arranged setting, that sort of thing.

My girlfriend’s mother is a fantastic cook, so I jump at the chance to attend. I’ve met most of her family, but she does have an uncle and some cousins who are coming from across the country specifically to visit everyone.

My girlfriend’s mother sits me beside one of the cousins, although until we introduced ourselves, I thought she must have been an aunt. [Cousin] is the oldest of the generation, so she’s nearly middle-aged while my girlfriend and I are still in University.

Cousin: “It’s nice to meet you, [My Name]. So, I think [Girlfriend] said you were studying at [Local University]?”

Me: “Ah, yeah, I’m studying IT there.”

Cousin: “Oh, that’s a good field. Just general IT, or are you doing one of the specialty degrees?”

Me: “It’s all fun, but I’m actually specialising in security. It’s all very technical and complicated.”

Cousin: “Oh, that must be pretty challenging. Anything in particular you’re enjoying or having trouble with?”

Me: “It’s all very complicated; I don’t really know how to explain it to a layman. Uh. The design evaluation I’m trying to do now is hard, I guess? That’s when you’re looking at a system and trying to put in security before you even build it. They don’t really explain how you find things.”

Cousin: “For a uni course? Try starting with a STRIDE threat model. It’s an older method and it’s a little high-level, but that just means there’s lots of information online about it. In real life, sometimes you need a different method, but a lot of threat modelling techniques were alterations on STRIDE so you can’t go wrong getting familiar with it. Also, make sure to check the relevant standards and whether there was a CC evaluation.”

Me: “Uh…”*Laughs* “What?”

Cousin: “Oh, sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve had to train a new grad. Let me grab my phone after this and I’ll explain what you need to do. My day job is cyber security director over in [Major Government Organisation]. Some pentesting, some SOC, but mostly GRC these days.”

Me: “…oh!”

Cousin: “Auntie takes her dinner parties really seriously and thinks really hard about how to seat people next to each other, didn’t you know?”

Well, now I do. And I got a High Distinction on that security design course.