Zero Nutritional Information Must Mean Zero Calories!

, , , , , | Right | December 5, 2018

(I’m ordering food from a popular fast food chain. I see an advertisement outside about their new chicken sandwich. Inside, there’s only one other customer, and the cashier.)

Me: *to the cashier* “Sorry, do you happen to have the nutritional info on the new [Sandwich]?”

Cashier: “I don’t know for certain, but it might be on the board over there.”

(She gestures to the board on the wall showing nutrition facts for most of their items. I check the board and it’s not there. This makes sense, as it’s a new item.)

Me: “Nah, it’s not there. I’m sorry; I’m just bad at making decisions.”

(A customer who has been standing to the side chimes in.)

Customer: “Ah, c’mon, man! You can be good to yourself tomorrow; just get the thing, already!”

Me: “I’ve been good to myself today. This is my only meal!”

Cashier: “Exactly! You can worry about nutrients later!”

Customer: “Yeah, dude, you deserve this! It’s the holiday season, after all!”

Me: “All right, fine. I’ll get the [Sandwich] with fries and a diet [Soda].”

Customer: “See, there you go! A diet soda cancels out all the calories!”

Me: “Yeah, but haven’t you heard? Aspartame cancer, apparently.”

Cashier: “Cancer can wait. Besides, we’ll have a cure by the time you’re old!”

(We all shared a laugh. This exchange guaranteed I’ll be going back!)

Healthier Old People During Flu Season Results In Increase Of Random Chats

, , , , | Right | December 4, 2018

(An elderly woman on one of the store’s scooters comes up to me while I’m working.)

Customer: “I need to tell you something!”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “So, in July, I came in here and I bought two of the cough drops with zinc of one brand, and I bought two cough drops of another brand. Well, last week we finally used them all up. It was this d*** flu that’s been going around. But I just wanted to tell you that in July I was prepared, because I bought cough drops in July.”

Me: “Um… Wow. Good for you.”

(The woman scoots away and I go back to what I was doing. A minute later she comes back over to me.)

Customer: “And another thing.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “The cough drops with zinc in them are better for you.”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: “Oh, yes.” *scoots away*

A Recipe For Disaster

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 2, 2018

(My boyfriend says that his parents will be in town for a brief visit in two weeks and have expressed an interest in meeting me. We decide that a quiet dinner at my home would be best, which I don’t mind, as I enjoy playing host. As I’m trying to plan the menu, I keep sending my boyfriend recipe ideas and asking him about his parents’ preferences.)

Me: “Is there any food your parents particularly like or dislike? Do they like spicy food or prefer to keep it mild? Are there any foods they’re allergic to? Do they have any sort of dietary restrictions I should know about?”

Boyfriend: “I’m sure anything you pick out will be wonderful and they’ll love it.”

Me: “Yes, but I also want to be considerate of their tastes.”

Boyfriend: “You’re overthinking it. You’re an awesome cook, and they’ll love whatever you make for them.”

(Realizing I’m not going to get any sort of help, I plan what I think to be a well-rounded menu complete with salad, an appetizer that contains shellfish, a main course featuring beef tenderloin, and a dessert that contains chocolate. Fast forward to the fateful evening; food-wise, everything is coming out looking delicious. I meet the parents, and while they seem to respond favorably to me, I notice between the two of them they’ve barely touched their food. I don’t want to call attention to this fact, but I’m worried something is wrong. They end up excusing themselves early, asking my boyfriend to take them back to his home. He quickly sneaks in a kiss on the way out, saying he’ll call. An hour later he calls.)

Me: “So, is everything all right? Your parents didn’t seem to like the anything I made for them and were wanting to get out of here pretty quickly.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, the food was a bust for them. We’re at [Nearby Restaurant] right now and they’re getting something to eat. I excused myself to the bathroom to call you really quick.”

Me: “Did I do something wrong?”

Boyfriend: “I thought your food was delicious.” *sigh* “It’s just that… Well, my father doesn’t eat any type of salad except potato salad. My mother is a pescetarian, meaning she’ll eat fish, but not meat, and the only beef my father will eat is ground beef. Not to mention the only types of side dishes he’ll eat are either pasta, potatoes, or biscuits, not vegetables like you made. Oh, and my mother is allergic to chocolate.”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: *annoyed* “And you didn’t think any of this information was important enough to tell me when I was planning the menu? I asked you about these things and was told, ‘whatever I make is fine.’”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I f***** up, didn’t I?”

Me: “Big time.”

(And that’s the story of how I first met — and starved — my in-laws. Since I’ve been with their son, they’ve come to love the dishes I make, as long as I keep their preferences and dietary restrictions in mind.)

Unfiltered Story #129053

, , | Unfiltered | December 2, 2018

(It is Super Bowl Sunday, but also the start of a popular coupon promotion at work. As such, the lines are incredibly long, going halfway down the aisles and also across almost to the frozen section, and due to a scheduling error, only a handful of cashiers are available. I am not cashiering as I have other work that needs to get done. I have just arrived and I am getting ready to start my first job when a woman with an overflowing cart comes up to me.)

Customer: Excuse me, can you put all this back for me? I forgot my coupons at home and I don’t want to buy this without them.

Me: (stares at her cart) Uh…

Customer: Or can you just hold it all until tomorrow when I come back with my coupons?

Me:…. Go ask Customer Service. They can help you.

(Customer Service told her no, like I knew they would.)

Unfiltered Story #129051

, , | Unfiltered | December 1, 2018

(It is Super Bowl Sunday and the start of a popular coupon promotion. The lines are incredibly long and not moving very fast. We are doing everything we can to make them move faster. I am walking next to the line. A little girl sitting in a cart grabs my attention.)

Little Girl: “Excuse me, how come the line isn’t moving?”

Me: “Because a lot of people are buying lots of things today.”

Little Girl: “Oh.”

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