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This Is Where We Write The Story Name Things

, , , , , | Romantic | October 23, 2021

When stressed or tired, I tend to forget nouns. My husband has just finished eating dinner.

Me: “Can you please put your food holder into the washer box?”

Husband: *Big sigh* “Use your words…”

Me: “I am! I am specifically using my words!”

We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really)

, , , , , , , | Related | October 12, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.


I submitted this story. Grandma is up to her tricks again.

One of our cats figured out that if she puts her toys on the track for Grandma’s stairlift, it acts like a slide. This same cat also found and stole a bunch of pipe cleaners my mom had planned on using in her classroom. One day, Grandma wants to come downstairs but her stairlift isn’t working. My dad figures a cat toy is probably jammed in there — not the first time that’s happened — and tries to get it unstuck. It still doesn’t work. Dad tries a few things over the weekend but he can’t fix it. He calls a guy on Monday to come out and look at it later that week. The guy finds that a pipe cleaner has slid in and the metal part touched something and shorted out something electrical. He has to order a part, though, so Grandma is stuck upstairs for at least another week.

Grandma barely leaves her bedroom. It’s actually rather pleasant downstairs, especially at mealtimes. Dad brings her food every day so she doesn’t starve and we don’t have to put up with her. But she starts to get stir-crazy and her behavior gets more extreme as time goes on.

Because Grandma is barely moving, she starts to develop muscle cramps in her legs. A normal person might try stretching or doing a few laps in the hallway upstairs. Not my grandmother. She calls her doctor and gets a prescription for Percocet. She takes one pill, decides it doesn’t work, and schedules another video appointment with the doctor.

My dad is working from home right now, but Grandma doesn’t understand, no matter how many times he explains it to her, that just because he is home, it does not mean he can jump up whenever she calls. Dad gets up super early and finishes his work by 2:00 pm every day. He tells her to schedule her appointments for after 2:00 so he can help her set up the video call. She schedules the second appointment for 11:00 am. When her appointment time arrives, she calls the house phone downstairs and tells him to help her. He says he’s in a meeting and can’t right now. She calls my uncle — Dad’s brother — and says Dad is refusing to help her with her doctor’s appointment. My uncle calls Dad and is like, “what the heck are you doing?” and comes over to help her. The doctor prescribes her Tylenol with tramadol. Once again, she takes one pill and decides it doesn’t work.

The night before her stairlift is supposed to be fixed, she calls the house phone around 9:00 pm. She wants us to take her to the ER so she can get a shot for her pain because “the last shot I got lasted me nine months.” Dad points out that her stairlift is still broken and she can’t get downstairs.

Grandma: “I’m having shooting pain down my legs. I have to go to the hospital. Call 911 and they’ll carry me downstairs.”

Dad: “I’m not calling 911 just so they can carry you downstairs. Did you try Advil?”

Grandma: “No, I can’t take Advil because the doctor wants me to take acetaminophen and you can’t mix those drugs.”

Dad: “When was the last time you took acetaminophen?”

Grandma: “Yesterday. Just call 911 so they can take me to the hospital.”

Dad: “First, how do you plan on paying for this trip? Second, how do you expect to get home?”

Grandma: “They’ll bring me back once I’m done.”

Dad: “No, they won’t. You need to move around some. That will help. But if you really want to go to the hospital, then you can call 911.”

Miraculously, her pain suddenly wasn’t that bad. And sure enough, once the stairlift was fixed and she was able to go downstairs, she started moving around more and she wasn’t in any more pain. And so ends a lovely three weeks without Grandma.

We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar! (Salad), Part 2
We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar! (Salad)

The Couponator 30: Managerial Override

, , , , | Right | September 30, 2021

In my early days as a cashier, I’m ringing up a guy for some paints. His next purchase is some books, with coupons, of course.

Me: “I’m sorry, but our coupons don’t work on books.”

Customer: “I knew you’d say that. You know, I’ll call the general attorney to get this place shut down!”

Me: “Uh… excuse me?”

Customer: “Yeah, don’t think I won’t! I got on [Competitor]’s a**, and I’ll be on your a**, too!”

Me: “But I’m not the one who made the policy.”

Customer: “So? You’re working here, aren’t you?”

I know he’s blowing smoke, but at the time, I didn’t know how to prove it. Now I know that the exceptions are printed on the coupons themselves, which I would’ve pointed out.

Customer: “Your manager left in an awful hurry, didn’t he?”

Me: *Tired sigh* “I’ll go call him.”

My manager comes in. The dude’s still being an a** over a very common coupon exception.

Manager: “I’ll override it for you, sir.”

And just like that, that rotten jerk waddled away, having been rewarded for his bad behavior without so much as a thank-you. That was the day I stopped believing in the milk of human kindness.

The Couponator 29: A Cents-less Tragedy
The Couponator 28: Panic Attack!
The Couponator 27: Red Friday
The Couponator 26: Father’s Day
The Couponator 25: The Cheese Explosion

You Don’t Want To Be In Her Limelight

, , , , , | Right | September 28, 2021

Some years ago, I worked at a garden center in the annuals/perennial section. A woman came up to me.

Customer: “Where can I find a limelight?”

Me: “That’s actually a color descriptor, not a plant name; quite a few different plants have that color name attached, shrubs right through to annuals.Is what you’re looking for an annual or a perennial? Maybe a bush, a tree?”

Customer: “It’s called limelight!”

And she just kept repeating this. I finally moved to where we could see all the sections and asked what part of the center she had bought it from. She refused to even look and repeatedly stomped her foot at me.

Customer: “It’s called limelight!”

She was the only customer I walked away from in nearly ten years of working at the garden center. I heard later that someone was able to find her plant — I have no idea how— and it turned out to be a perennial that was about fifteen feet away from where we had been standing.

F! As In WTF!

, , , , , | Working | September 27, 2021

I am talking on the phone with someone from the administrative office about documents that we scan every day. The documents in question are labeled with two letters and six numbers, like AB123456. The lady I am talking to has hearing problems but won’t admit it, since she claimed she couldn’t hear a loud coworker when he was yelling into the phone.

Me: “Okay, I just scanned in a document.”

Admin: “What’s the number?”

Me: “LF987654.”

Admin: “LS987?”

Me: “No, LF. Lima foxtrot.”

Admin: “L like ‘lima,’ S like ‘Sam’?”

Me: “No. L like ‘lima,’ F like ‘foxtrot,’ or ‘Frank,’ or ‘finale.’”

Admin: “So, LS987123?”

Me: “No. Lima foxtrot 987654.”

Admin: “So, L like ‘lima,’ S like ‘Sam’?”