It Does If You Fast-Forward At 88 Miles An Hour

, , , , | Right | April 24, 2019

I was at an office of my cable company, picking up my first DVR. The person helping me briefly went over how it all worked, like how far back I could rewind, recording, etc.

Then, with a resigned look, she adds, “You know you can’t fast-forward live television, right?”

I can only imagine how many complaining customers she’d dealt with who didn’t understand that the DVR was not, in fact, a time-travel machine into the future. I’ve never had so much sympathy for a cable company employee in my life.

A Likely Story, Teach

, , , , , | Learning | April 22, 2019

(I’m in the fifth grade. I turn in a math assignment. A week later, I get it back, torn up. This is what is written on it, paraphrased.)

Teacher: “You did a good job. My dog thought so, too.”

(That was the first time I’ve ever heard about a teacher’s dog eating homework!)

Nothing Like Peace And Quiet

, , , , , | Related | April 19, 2019

Once or twice a week, my mom will call her parents to check in on them. One day, she tries to call them but the call doesn’t go through. She tries again and the same thing happens. She waits an hour or two before trying again, and she still can’t get a hold of them. She tries on both the home phone and her cell phone. Nothing. Eventually, she calls her brother and asks him if he’s been able to call their parents. He tries and he can’t get through to them, either.

The next day, Mom tries to call her parents a few more times, but still can’t reach them. She decides that if she can’t reach them by the end of the day, then she will drive over to their house the next morning — her day off. My uncle has the same thought, and since he lives closer to them, he drives over to their house that day after he gets off work.

Turns out, there is a setting on my grandparents’ phone that allows them to block all calls. My grandfather was tired of scammers calling his house, so he fiddled around with the phone and found out he could block calls. My mom was relieved when my uncle called and said that they were alive, and they’d just thought their children’s numbers were scam phone calls. It took a few hours, but my uncle and grandfather managed to fix the phone. My grandfather will never live that down.

Would Rather Deal With The Fungus

, , , , , | Healthy | April 19, 2019

I am extremely susceptible to fungal infections like ringworm. It’s not a real problem, for the most part, just an unsightly nuisance. I had a mark on my arm that I knew from experience was a fungal infection, but the OTC drugs don’t work well on me, so while I was visiting a new doctor about an unrelated issue I asked her about getting a prescription for it. The doctor asked me why I needed it, so I showed her the mark on my arm and explained my history with these kinds of infections.

The doctor immediately got extremely snotty and annoyed with me. She said that I wasn’t a doctor — which is true — and that whatever that mark was, it was not a fungal infection, and that it could be very serious. She said I should tell her about any worrisome marks and then let her do her job — determining what they are and making decisions about my care — without making guesses about what the problem is. She announced that she was going to look at a sample of the mark to determine what it was and what needed to be done, took a skin scraping, and flounced out of the room.

Five minutes later she was back. She wouldn’t look me in the eye while she told me it was a fungal infection, handed me a script, and then marched out.

Six Cents None The Richer

, , , , , | Right | April 17, 2019

(I work for a large gas station chain. I am ringing up an old man when I miss an item on the counter. I realize my mistake only after he has already paid, so I go to scan the item I missed. The item is $1.99 plus six cents of tax. He proceeds to freak out for the dumbest reason possible before trying to backtrack once he realizes he is an idiot.)

Me: “That will be $2.05 with the tax for that, then, sir.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? I’m not paying that! You’re charging me even more tax?!”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Customer: “You messed up, and now I have to pay more tax? I don’t think so.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s not how taxes work. Sales tax is based on a percentage. If the two bucks were with the first order you would have paid exactly the same amount in taxes as you are now.”

Customer: “Oh.” *laughs* “Yeah, I knew that. I was just messin’ with you.”

(Sure you were, dude. Sure you were.)


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