The Competition Is Soft

, , , , | Related | June 24, 2017

(I’m playing a competitive multi-player online game on my laptop. My nephew, eight to nine years old, shows up and decides to watch me. He’s at the age where he’s earnestly trying to play well, but doesn’t.)

Nephew: “Can I play?”

Me: “No. This game is too hard for you.” *as in too difficult for someone his age*

Nephew: “Oh. Do you have a soft game?”

Me: “…”

The Ring-Bearer Of Bad News

, , | Romantic | June 20, 2017

(My husband and I have been married for about six months and he is great at losing things, including his wedding ring a few times. Yesterday evening he was smoking chicken and ribs and decided to take his ring off and set it by the sink. Worried that it would be lost down the drain, I moved it to the pocket of my pajamas.  At one point I was seated on the couch and he decided to tickle me. After wrestling around I got up and walked away, only to put my hand in my pocket and find it empty.)

Me: “Honey? Um… I might have sort of lost something.”

Husband: “What did you lose?”

Me: “I may possibly have lost your wedding ring.”

Husband: “No you didn’t. I put it by the sink while I was cooking.”

Me: “Right… And I picked it up and put it in my pocket so that it wouldn’t get pushed down the drain.”

Husband: “It wouldn’t get pushed down the drain anyway. It was by the sink, not in it.”

Me: “On the edge. And with our luck, yes, it would have fallen down and I didn’t want you to lose it again.”

Husband: “So you put it in your pocket, and then lost it?”

Me: “That sounds accurate.”

(Since he had been tickling me, we immediately began pulling the cushions off of the couch. I was beginning to panic and became frustrated with myself when we couldn’t locate it. We went through every single cushion, with my husband holding it up and reaching his hand back while I shined a flashlight and checked underneath. Finally, he sat back laughing as I was on the verge of tears.)

Husband: “Honey… Stop. It’s okay.”

Me: “No! It’s not! I lost your ring.”

Husband: “No, you didn’t.”

Me: “It’s missing, and I last had it, so yes, I did.”

Husband: “No, love. Look.”

(He then held his hand up, with a huge grin on his face. He was wearing his wedding ring. Apparently he had found it halfway through our search, slipped it on while I was checking under the couch, and then had me shine the light where he was feeling around in hopes that I would see he was wearing it. I was completely oblivious because I was so focused on checking the couch!)

Only Pill They Need Is A Chill Pill

, , , , , | Right | June 16, 2017

(My store usually opens at 10 every morning, except for Sunday on which we open at 1. In order to open the store I have to be there by 12, which sometimes leads to people trying to open the door before realizing we’re closed. Today I show up early and happen to watch someone make their way to the door and try to open it, before heading back to his car. Once his car is running I get out and make my way to the door to open it, but notice the man has gotten out of the car and is following me. Not wanting him to try to follow me inside I turn and smile.)

Me: *smiling brightly* “Hi.”

Customer: “Hi, are you opening?

Me: “Not for another hour, sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I just run in and grab something real quick?”

Me: “Um… sorry, but we can’t let anyone in the store before we’re open.”

Customer: “But you’re right here! I just need some pills.”

(This is pretty common. As an ‘adult novelty’ store, we sell ‘Herbal Supplements.’)

Me: *still smiling* “Like I said, I can’t let anyone in the store, but if you come back in an hour—”

Customer: *interrupting and starting to yell* “BUT YOU’RE RIGHT F***ING HERE! I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CAN’T LET ME GET MY F***ING PILLS!”

Me: *taken back by the sudden flip* “W-well, we’re not—”

Customer: *interrupting again* “LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE B****, JUST OPEN THE F***ING DOOR!”

(Just as the customer starts walking towards me, the cop car that tends to patrol the area since we’ve had a few break-ins in the shopping center pulls up.)

Cop: “Is there a problem here?”

Customer: *calming down just a bit* “Yeah, this person’s not letting me in her store!”

Cop: *turning to me* “Are you guys even open yet?”

Me: “No! We don’t open for another hour!”

Customer: “But you’re here, and I just want my pills!”

Me: *fed up, and more confident thanks to the cop* “Well, the credit card machine’s not booted up, I’m not logged into the system, there’s no cash in the till, and it’ll take an hour to even get ready to even take your payment!”

Customer: “But… but… UGH, FINE! But I’m calling your corporate to complain!” *storms off as the cop and I share a look*

(I later learned he did actually complain, but were met with not only laughter, but a ban from our stores for aggressive actions towards a sales rep!)

Time To Re-tire-o This Scam

, , , , , | Right | June 14, 2017

(My Spanish teacher swears this happened to her police officer husband. We aren’t sure we believe it, but… A local garage has been broken into, but the only thing missing is a tire. This happens from time to time when somebody has blown a tire but doesn’t have the money to pay for a replacement. So the officer goes cruising around the area and quickly finds two Hispanic men walking by the side of the road, one carrying a tire. He pulls over and comes to speak to them.)

Officer: “Hey there. Is that your tire?”

Man #1: “Uh, it’s his. I’m just walkin’ with him.”

Officer: “Where’d you get the tire?”

Man #1: *quickly* “Oh, he doesn’t speak English! I can… translate?”

Officer: “Okay, then… ask him where he got the tire.”

Man #1: *pause* “Where-o get-o el tire-o?”

(Man #2 stares at Man #1 in horror.)

Officer: *also staring* “Where-o… get-o… el tire-o.”

(They both got arrested.)

Smartly Dressed

, , , | Related | June 14, 2017

(As I am preparing for my date and fixing my hair. I turn to my mother and ask:)

Me: “Do you think I should wear my hair up or down with my glasses?”

(She looked for a moment.)

Mother: “Well, do you want to look intelligent or like yourself?”

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