This Is Not Smoothie Sailing

, , , | Right | March 1, 2021

We have new smoothies in two flavors. This is my first day back, so I haven’t tried both.

Customer: “Have you tried the new smoothies?”

Me: “I’ve tried the chocolate one, but the veggie one should be good, too!”

Customer: “I’m having trouble deciding, but I’m going to have one of those.”

Me: “Okay!”

Customer: “The chocolate one is fine.”

I ring him up and make and serve his smoothie. When we get to the counter, however, there is an issue.

Customer: “Is this mine?”

Me: “Yessir!”

Customer: “Oh, you must have misunderstood me! I wanted the veggie one!”

I remade it because of our satisfaction guarantee; all the while his child was throwing our checkers pieces everywhere while he did nothing.

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Who Knew You Could Mess Up Instant Ramen?

, , , , | Related | March 1, 2021

My eight-year-old nephew has just learned to make the “add water and microwave” ramen bowls. His eleven-year-old brother figures, if his little brother can do it, how hard can it be? After popping one in the microwave, he falls back on one of his favorite Sibling Activities, gloating.

Older Nephew: “Look, I know how to cook ramen better than you!”

[Younger Nephew] looks around his brother at the microwave and says, completely deadpan:

Younger Nephew: “Your ramen is on fire.”

We quickly put the fire out to find that [Older Nephew] had neglected to actually read the instructions and hadn’t added water. It took three days for the smell of smoke to go away and we had to buy a new microwave.

At thirteen now, his cooking skills haven’t improved much, but at least he learned not to gloat about them. We also learned to keep a closer eye on him in the kitchen.

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Catnipping Away At Your Customer Service Smile

, , , , | Right | February 24, 2021

I work at a vet office inside a national pet store chain. Despite being inside a pet store, we are completely separate. I do not know where every single item in the store is. I do know some stuff because I shop there sometimes.

It’s almost closing time for the vet office and I am really busy doing work at the front desk. An older male comes up to the counter where reception is for the hospital. It’s not uncommon for people to think we’re together with the store. Most times, they understand why we direct them to find a pet store employee.

Customer: “Where can I find catnip?”

Me: “I’m not sure, but you can ask a pet store employee where it is.”

Customer: *Sarcastic tone* “Well, thanks a lot.”

Me: “Sorry about that. We are separate from the pet store and I’m not familiar with the item locations in the store.”

Customer: “So you can’t call someone over here to help?”

The vet office is in the back of the store. I am annoyed that I have to stop my tasks to help this guy when he can go to the front to ask an employee. I admit I do have a rude look on my face and an irritated tone of voice as I page on the intercom for a pet store employee to come to the hospital area.

Me: “Someone will be with you in a moment.”

I go to the back treatment area to cool off and rant to the remaining few nurses and doctor about this guy, thinking a pet store employee will be down shortly to help him and I can finish my tasks. This is not the case as I go back up to finish checking out the last patient.

Me: *To the patient* “Okay, the total will be—”

Customer: *Interrupting* “You know what? What is your name?”

I respond with the biggest customer service smile I can manage.

Me: “[My Name].”

Customer: *Continuing the sarcastic tone* “I am going to report you to corporate, because your customer service attitude just makes me want to spend my money here at this store! Here you go!”

He slams down a cat scratcher thing on the counter in between me and the client I’m checking out. I manage to keep a smile on my face the entire time because this whole thing is funny.

Me: “Okay! Have a nice night!”

I finish checking out the patient and continue with my tasks, mentally wishing good luck to that guy with complaining to corporate about a “pet store” employee with my name when I don’t even work for them. I think that is the end of things, but then he comes back with a pet store manager as my back is turned.

Customer: “Oh, there it is.”

I turn around and see it’s him and that he is grabbing the cat scratcher thing he slammed down on my counter earlier. He says in a sheepish tone:

Customer: “Uh, thank you, [My Name].”

Me: “Yeah, no problem.” 

I asked the pet store manager what he’d said. He’d tried to complain about me but did not get anywhere because she told him that I do not even work for the store. I guess he decided to spend his money at this store anyway!

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These Puns Are Criminal

, , , , , | Romantic | February 24, 2021

My husband and I are lying in bed, having our usual pre-sleep recap of our days.

Husband: “[Boss] was giving us an overview of the candidates coming in for interviews. He said one of them gave him a bad vibe, said he came across as condescending.”

Me: “Ahh, condescending. The opposite of gentleman-ascending.”

Husband: *Long pause* “Shut up.”

Me: *Giggling wildly* “Hey, honey? What do you call a patronizing criminal going down a set of stairs? A condescending con descending!”

He rolled over in bed and pretended to fall asleep. I continued giggling. Unfortunately, I can’t even say my horrible jokes were due to a late hour; this is just my sense of humor. You’d think he would be used to it after eight years together.

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Why Did He Think This Would Work?

, , , | Right | February 16, 2021

Cashier: “Hello, welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I want fries.”

Cashier: “Okay. What size?”

Customer: “Fries.”

Cashier: “We have small, medium, and large fries.”

Customer: “Yeah, that one.”

Cashier: *Short pause* “The large?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Cashier: “Okay, anything else?”

Customer: “No.”

Cashier: “Okay, that will be [Price].”

Customer: “No.”

Cashier: *Another pause* “Our large fries cost [price], with tax. If you want, our medium fries are [lower price], instead.”

Customer: “No.”

Cashier: “Well, I’m sorry, but that is what it costs.”

The customer speaks in a tone like he is talking to a small child.

Customer: “I want fries, buuut I don’t want to pay for them.”

Cashier: “But you do have to pay for them if you want to get them here.”

Customer: *In a smug tone* “No.”

Cashier: “All right, then.”

The cashier presses something on the register.

Cashier: “Please step aside so I can take the orders of people who are actually willing to pay.”

The man stepped aside, I guess thinking that the cashier had put through his order. However, after a few more orders, including mine, had been processed and delivered, it apparently became obvious to him that he wasn’t getting the fries he’d demanded, and he ended up stomping out.

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