A Non-Influencer And Their Non-Influence

, , , | Right | July 24, 2021

I’m coming into the store where I work to get some groceries. A guy is hassling my boss about an e-cig that won’t take a charge.

Boss: “Sir, we can’t give you a replacement because it’s no longer in stock.”

Customer: “I have fifty-thousand subs on my blog and I’ll make sure they don’t shop at the store anymore!”

I chime in.

Me: “This location has been open since the 1960s and will probably be around long after he is dead.”

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Diagnosis: Unnecessary Anguish

, , , , | Healthy | July 24, 2021

In 2016, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Due to the cancer being estrogen-related, she opted out of chemotherapy and decided that the mastectomy and pills would be enough. I supported her 100% and even argued against doctors and my father when they tried to pressure her.

Two years later, her thyroid started acting up. She went in for multiple biopsies. While we waited for results, I started Googling if the breast cancer could have metastasized into her thyroid. A week went by, and she went to her regular doctor and was told that the results were cancer. We got a nice report that said whatever they found was malignant.

We were devastated, and I blamed myself for not pushing chemo on my mom. We got the results Wednesday and had to wait until Monday to see her cancer doctor. It was a bad week. The day of the appointment, I tagged along with my mom and dad so I could be kept informed. The doctor walked into the office smiling.

Doctor: “How are we doing today?”

Mom: “I don’t know, you tell me. Do you know what stage it is? Has it spread?”

Doctor: “Cancer?”

Mom: “In the thyroid?”

Doctor: “You don’t have cancer.”

Mom: “What? They told me it was cancer.”

That was apparently shocking enough that the doctor left the room to go talk with the other doctors who did the biopsy.

Doctor: “Well, I mean it’s not not cancer. We don’t know exactly what’s wrong. It needs to come out for sure, but it’s probably not cancer, and if it was, it’d be stage zero and not dangerous.”

I sat in silence while the doctor hashed out treatment and surgery options with my parents. I felt relieved but also annoyed and confused. 

Me: “I read the report, though. Why’d they put ‘malignant’ if they didn’t know?”

Doctor: “Oh, well, sometimes they just need to put something on the report.”

It wasn’t cancer, by the way. The thyroid was two times bigger and three times heavier than it should have been and covered in nodes, but my mom made a full recovery and is healthy.

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Cat Poop: It’s What’s For Dinner

, , , , , , | Healthy | July 22, 2021

My cat’s name is Dinner; my boyfriend, who is Vietnamese American, named him. He hasn’t been feeling well (the cat), and the vet told me to bring in a fecal sample.

They are still doing business by car, so when I pull up and the vet tech comes out, I hand over the bag of poop.

Me: “This is for Dinner.”

Vet Tech: *Stammering* “Thank you?”

Then, I come to my senses.

Me: *Laughing* “It’s a sample from my cat, Dinner. The vet needs it.”

She was so professional and so polite, in spite of her “WTF” face.

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Stupidity In Full Bloom

, , , , | Right | July 21, 2021

I work for a gardening company that has multiple companies under it. I work in a chat for all the companies and usually just answer typical gardener questions.

Visitor: “Hi, I have a question about one of your items.”

Me: “Absolutely! How may I assist you today?”

Visitor: “I see here on this iris, it says it comes packaged as ten per package. So how many will I get in each package?”

I have to read the question a few times to be sure I understand. 

Me: “For every 1 (one) package of that iris, you will receive 10 (ten) of the irises.”

Visitor: “But how many exactly?”

Me: “You will receive exactly ten irises.”

Visitor: “I don’t think you understand. If I want one order, how many irises will I receive?”

Me: “If you order one order, you will get ten. If you order two orders, you will get twenty. Multiply each other by ten, and that’s the number of Irises you will receive.”

Visitor: “That doesn’t work if you multiply it by zero.”

Me: “I am very sorry for the confusion, but it does work; if you order zero orders you will receive zero irises.”

Visitor: “I didn’t come here to do math, I came to garden, and you are no help!”

They then disconnected the chat. I still don’t know what I could have said to help.

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The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Pie

, , , , , | Related | July 21, 2021

I visit my mom and stepdad for a few days to celebrate my birthday. For my birthday dinner, I request Cuban sandwiches and to help Mom make an apple pie. Once we’re finished with the sandwiches, Mom and I get to work on the pie. Shortly, the apples are peeled and we’re cutting them into pieces and putting them into the crust. I keep popping pieces into my mouth instead of the pie.

My mom addresses me in a tone that says she knew this was inevitable but she’s still aggravated.

Mom: “You’re supposed to be helping me make the pie!”

Me: “Mom… I’ve been ‘helping’ you make food like this for over thirty years!”

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