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Relatives Are Really A Puzzle

, , , , | Related | January 23, 2022

I was at a flea market at closing time. A vendor offered me two kindergarten-level puzzles for free. I declined, saying I didn’t know any small children. He insisted I take them, so I thanked him and accepted them just to end the conversation.

I took them home and forgot about them.

A while later, a relative by marriage visited us, bringing her children who were aged seven and ten. The kids found the puzzles and started playing with them. I did not care; I had no attachment to the puzzles.  

Their mother was incensed.

Relative: “My kids put together 1000-piece puzzles!”

Me: “That’s nice. I did not give them these. They just grabbed them.”

And when they left, they took them with them.

It’s Important To Know Your Own Worth

, , , , , | Friendly | January 14, 2022

Two friends and I are driving down a scenic road on the river. This area is known for big mansions, and most of the residents make at least half a million dollars a year. We drive past and wax poetic about if we had the money to afford any of them. We pass by a home under construction with two massive staircases and huge bay windows with balconies. I raise my hand out the window.

Me: “I am open for a sugar daddy! I’ll even do weird stuff!”

My friends both burst into laughter.

Friend: “That’s going on your tombstone.”

Whistle While You Work It Out

, , , , , , , | Right | January 7, 2022

I work in a call center for a major bank. I help with anything from balance to lost/stolen cards to online banking. I get a call from an older gentleman who sounds like he went riding with King Richard in the Crusades.

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to add someone to my bill pay.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Can you please log in to your account?”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “Are you on our home page?” 

Customer: “What is a home page? 

Me: “Do you have your computer on?”

Customer: “I need to be in front of the computer? Hold on…”

I hold on.

Customer: “Do I need to turn it on?”

Me: “Yes, please. Let me know when it’s up and running.”

Customer: “I’m on the home screen. Where do I go now?”

Me: “You said you wanted to add someone to your bill pay, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”

Me: “Log into your checking account on our website.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “Double-checking: who are you going to be adding to your bill pay?”

Customer: “My mortgage company says they will accept electronic payments through bill pay. I want to do that.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you, but I need you to log into your checking account.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “By chance is there anyone else at home that uses your computer that can help us?”

Customer: “My five-year-old grandson is here. Do you want to speak with him?”

Me: “I’m willing to give it a shot if you are.”

Customer: “Let me get him.”

It sounds like he is missing his front teeth, so he whistles a bit when he talks.

Kid: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi. I was hoping you would be able to help your grandfather with something on the computer. Do you know how to pull up a website?”

Kid: “I go on Grandpa’s computer all the time; Mom doesn’t let me go on the one at home.”

Me: “Well, I can keep that secret if you can help your grandfather with something.”

Kid: “Okay.”

I then spend the next thirty minutes walking a five-year-old and a very old man through how to set up bill pay. The kid was a wiz on the computer and was showing his grandfather where to go and what to push. He didn’t know how to read but knew all his letters, so I could spell things to him and he found them quickly.

It was the longest call I ever had, but still, ten years later, it makes me smile as the kid was so excited helping his grandfather with the little whistle when he spoke.

Bullet Dodged

, , , , , , , | Working | December 28, 2021

Back in 1989, I had just moved to a new area. I was working at a hotel, and after work, a friend and I would frequent a restaurant between work and home. Over the next few weeks, I ended up flirting with one of the workers back and forth. I was young and naive. Turns out, she was a recent new mother but the father was gone as they were separated.

I worked up the courage to ask her out.

Worker: “Okay, but I can’t commit to a time right now.”

I felt that was understandable. A few days later:

Worker: “I’m off tomorrow night if you’re free.”

Me: “Sure. Where would you like to meet, and when?”

Worker: “Wait until I’m off work.”

That had me waiting in the parking lot until closing. As I waited, they closed. There was another car in the parking lot picking up another coworker, but I thought nothing of it. That’s when the police showed up. The worker walked out with the assistant manager and pointed toward me. The police then came over to me.

Police Officer: “Why are you here?”

Me: “I’m supposed to be picking up [Worker] for a date.”

Police Officer: “Her husband is in that car over there to pick her up.”

A day or two later, I went back there with my friend there and saw her.

Me: “Why didn’t you just tell me you were married?”

She didn’t answer me. As we were eating, the assistant manager came out.

Assistant Manager: “You are harassing [Worker] and you need to leave.”

We did leave, and we didn’t go back to that location again.

Fast forward several months. We had moved, and we went to a different location of the same fast food chain. The new manager there was the assistant manager that had kicked us out at the other location. He was all apologetic, offered us some free food, and explained:

Assistant Manager: “She played that same game with a few other guys, it turns out. She was eventually fired for it.”

I am guessing she wanted to get her husband jealous to get attention or something. It was a learning experience for me, and I became a bit more untrusting of people’s motives after that.

That’s It! Nobody Wish Anyone Anything Anymore!

, , , , , | Right | December 20, 2021

I’ve just finished helping two elderly women. They’ve both been very polite and pleasant to deal with throughout the entire transaction, other than being a little disappointed that we are sold out of Christmas stamps.

Me: “You two are all set! I hope you both have a wonderful day and enjoy your holiday season!”

[Woman #1] suddenly shoots me a death glare.

Woman #2: “Happy holidays to you as well, sweetie!”

They walk to the door; the rest of the conversation is between the two of them as they leave.

Woman #1: *Loudly* “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

Woman #2: “What?”

Woman #1: “It’s ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS,’ not ‘Happy Holidays’!”

Woman #2: “I said, ‘Merry Christmas.’”

Woman #1: “No! You said, ‘Happy Holidays,’ like a liberal hippie! It’s not ‘Happy Holidays’!”

Woman #2: “Well, I didn’t say, ‘Happy Holidays,’ now, did I?! I am not a liberal hippie! Do I look like a liberal hippie to you?! I only ever say, ‘Merry Christmas’!”

Their argument continued as they walked out the door and into the coffee shop next door. I can only hope, for the sake of the employees next door, that their argument ended quickly!