If You’re Going To Be An Idiot, Be A Loved Idiot

, , , , , , | Working | July 3, 2020

I am fortunate enough to work with talented, fun, hard-working people I consider friends, but like all friends, some of them drive me a little insane. One of the worst is a guy who never listens to anything.

Coworker: “This program is a pain. How am I even supposed to [do a thing]?”

Me: “That’s weird. The tutorial covers that. Did it not display for you?”

Coworker: “I just clicked through it.”

Me: “Okay… Well, hit ‘enter’ to go to the menu.”

Coworker: *Sounding annoyed* “But how do I go to the menu?”

Me: *Pause* “Hit ‘enter.’”

Later, in an email:

Me: “Hey, [Coworker]! I’m working on a promo with [Client], just so you know. I’m going to rope in [Artist] to do the images for it.”

Coworker: “Have you thought about using [Exact Same Artist I Just Mentioned]?”

Me: “That was the second sentence of that email.”

Coworker: “Oh, well, I didn’t read that far.”

Even later-er:

Coworker: “Hey, what are we doing for our launch today?”

I email him a list of items.

Coworker: “But what about [very first item on the list, I’m not even kidding]?”

Me: “You’re lucky you’re my friend.”

He’s a great coworker and friend except for this, and it wouldn’t be an issue if it didn’t happen all the time, and if he wasn’t such a butt when the same thing happened to him.

Me: “I gave [Other Coworker] your new phone number.”

Coworker: “I gave it to him yesterday! I even wrote it down.”

Me: “I know; he couldn’t find the paper when he went to add you to his contacts.”

Coworker: “Ugh, I hate repeating myself! People need to pay more attention to the details.”

Sigh. Love you, buddy.

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Dawn Of The Dead (Once Mom Gets Through With You)

, , , , , | Related | July 3, 2020

My brother is about five years older than me and very smart, and, for most of my young life, I was his little minion. Needless to say, we could be complete terrors to our parents at times. This is one such incident; I am around five or six and my brother is ten or eleven.

We’re playing in the backyard and notice that our dog has created a rather sizable crater. It’s large enough to say, fit a small child. I lie in it to check the fit and we get a couple of shovels to expand it when it’s not quite big enough. Then, I lie down in the hole and my brother puts a piece of plywood over me, asking me to push up on it to make sure I can escape easily. With a hollowed-out dog bone by my head as a snorkel and a thin layer of dirt on top, our trap is set, and my brother goes inside to find Mom.

Brother: *Excitedly* “Mom! Try to find [My Name]!”

I hear Mom walk around for a few moments.

Mom: “I don’t see her.”

Brother: “She’s here. Look harder!”

Mom: “Is she hiding?”

Brother: “Yep!”

I hear some slightly more frantic footsteps.

Mom: *Getting hysterical* “[Brother], where is your sister?!”

Brother: *Gleefully* “I buried her!”

Mom: “YOU WHAT?!”

Taking my cue, I sat up, pushing the dirt and plywood off of me like a zombie rising from the grave, to the gobsmacked shock of our mother.

I don’t remember what punishment we received for our little prank, but I think it involved a spoon and a promise from both of us to never entomb our sibling again.

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Unfiltered Story #199847

, , | Unfiltered | July 2, 2020

I am in a grocery store on a day when the temperatures are in the 90s. I am shirtless, wearing just a pair of shoes and sneakers (the store is shirtless-friendly). A woman comes up to me.

Woman: Where are the jalepenos?

Me: I don’t know, I’m sorry. Try asking that employee.

Woman: No, YOU should show me!

Me: I don’t know where they are.

I walk off. She follows.

Woman: How dare you just walk off! You’re not very helpful! I shall complain to your manager!

Moments later she approaches with a manager.

Woman: I want you to fire him! He was so rude!

Manager: *That’s* who you’re complaining about? He doesn’t work here. He doesn’t even have a shirt on so I don’t see how you could confuse him for one of my employees!

Woman: You’re not gonna fire him?

Manager: He doesn’t work here. Nothing I can do.

The woman starts kicking off so I decide to help the manager out.

Me: Boss, I quit! *winking*

Manager: *catches on* Oh! Right! Good! You’re fired!

I walk off to another aisle and wait until the woman, satisfied that I’d been “fired”, had got her jalepenos and left the store before continuing with my shop. On the way out, the manager laughs and tells me “not to be late for my next shift!”.

Unfiltered Story #199839

, , | Unfiltered | July 2, 2020

I am stocking the mobile accessories section, while wearing the company’s distinctive shirt, and a man approaches me.
Guy: Do you work here?
Me: Yes.
Guy: How much do your phone cases cost?
Me: *thinking he is joking, I don’t say anything for a minute. When he doesn’t say anything, I answer* It depends on what brand and model phone case you want.
Guy: *pulls his old phone case out of pocket* I want this one.
Me: Let me get a sales associate for you.
I can’t believe this guy actually expected me to know not only what brand and model his phone case was, but to also know how much he paid for it.

Unfiltered Story #199781

, , , | Unfiltered | June 29, 2020

(We are a rising mom and pop restaurant near Downtown Orlando, so we offer lunch special menus M-F 10:30AM-3:30PM excluding holidays at least until sales pick up and we don’t need them. It is Christopher Columbus Day today, a much disputed holiday. It is also Monday. I hear this conversation from behind my desk)

Host: Alright darling what will you be having today?
Customer: Where is your lunch special?
Host: Because it is a holiday our lunch special is unavailable today.
Customer: Even on Monday?

(The host is expressionless.)