I work in a large gift shop on the main street of one of the world’s most famous theme parks, a “Happiest Place on Earth,” if you will. A woman comes over to me.

Customer: “Hi, I need some advice. I’m looking for something for my sister.”

Me: “I can try to help. What kind of thing were you looking for?”

Customer: “Well, my sister is recently with child.”

Yes, I remember her using the exact phrase ‘with child’.

Customer: “She’s considering getting rid of it, and I wanted to get her a gift that would invoke the blessings of motherhood and steer her away from the path of sin.”

Me: *Blinks.* “Uh… we got some ‘World’s Greatest Mom’ plushies?”

Customer: “Yes, I saw those. I need something that invokes harder.”

Me: “Uh… we sell baby onesies?”

Customer: *Sighs.* “You’re not trying very hard at all, are you?”

She wanders off to find a coworker. Based on the coworker’s facial expression and how wide their eyes went, pretty sure they were asked the same question…

I worked in a theme park. A woman wanted me to rent her a wheelchair. Her tone was immediately entitled and aggressive, and I admittedly tone-matched.

Customer: “Just do it on those registers right there.”

That would be really easy to do if, y’know, that was my job. Which it wasn’t. I worked retail in the back of the park. We did not, and have never had, wheelchairs in any store. That’s only at the wheelchair and stroller rental at the front of the park. This was at night, too, so they had a whole day of walking around to realize they might wanna grab her mom a wheelchair.

This woman was convinced there had to be a whole system to cater to her whims and deliver her a wheelchair. I explained repeatedly:

Me: “I have no wheelchairs. I can’t even do that on my registers. They don’t deliver, and I don’t fetch. Those aren’t our jobs, and that’s not how it works.”

I was trying to make it clear that no one is leaving their area short-staffed to cater to their wants.

Me: “I can call a nurse for your mom, or you or your husband can walk to the front and rent the chair yourselves at the rental station.”

She refused a nurse… her argument was that her mom’s leg hurt badly enough that she needed a wheelchair, but she didn’t want me to call a nurse.

She asked to speak to a manager, so I passed the lady off to her, and she gave her the same answers I did:

Manager: “We can call a nurse. A nurse can put your mom in a wheelchair and help you out.”

Absolute refusal. She kept repeating the same story. Eventually, she got the bright idea to try the “I want to speak to your manager” tactic on my manager.

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager. Is there anyone above you I can talk to?”

My manager was currently the highest-ranking person in the entire area.

Manager: “No, actually. You’re at the top.”

In the time she spent arguing with us while her family sat on the sidelines waiting, she or her husband could have easily walked to the front and done it themselves, twice.

I used to work as a waitress in a French-themed sandwich shop. Note that we were not, in fact, in France. The only truly French things about us were that we used baguettes for our sandwiches and one of our sandwich guys was from France.

An exasperated older lady approaches me.

Customer: “Is the butter you use actually French?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Do you actually ship it in from France?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t ship our ingredients in from France.”

She starts getting upset.

Customer: “But your shop has ‘France’ in the name! It’s right there! So how could your butter not be French?!”

Me: “Just because a location is in the name doesn’t mean everything is from that location, just inspired by.”

Customer: “Don’t be stupid! Of course it is, or it would be a lie, and I would sue you!”

Me: “In that case, I have some bad news for you about Kentucky Fried Chicken, Outback Steakhouse, California Pizza Kitchen, and China Wok…”

Me: “Hey, [Boss], you said in the meeting that you were considering [Local Resort] for the team retreat?”

Boss: “Yeah, my neighbor recommended it. It sounds great.”

Me: “Is your neighbor often… uh… in a state of undress?”

Boss: “Uh… why?”

Me: “I’m on Google, and it’s telling me that [Local Resort] is a nudist colony.”

Boss: “What?!”

He Googles it himself.

Boss: “Wow, that explains why my neighbor is always only in his underwear when we’re talking across the yard.”

Me: “So… no [Local Resort] for the team retreat?”

Boss: “Definite no. I know the whole point is for the team to get to know each other better, but not that well!”

We ended up choosing a regular local resort for the retreat. At most, I saw some male coworkers’ knees and shoulders, which was scandalous enough for me!

I work for a certain famous theme park, where witches and wizards ride on a magic train. This is pre-2018.

This was in a huge tourist town, where every ten feet is a different amusement park, so people easily get confused on if they were in the mouse, the globe, or Shamu’s place. 

I was approached by a woman while I was working the train and asked if it would, and this is a direct quote frozen forever in my mind:

Tourist: “…Take me to the Holy Land*, where they crucify Jesus every hour, on the hour?”

*The ‘Holy Land Experience’ was a Christian theme park that closed in 2020. There would be daily reenactments of Jesus’ crucifixion at the park, but not hourly… the poor guy.