Since This Story Was Written, Disney Bought Everything  

, , , , , , | Right | October 19, 2019

(I am a manager, working near an employee checking bags at a movie theater. They approach an elderly female guest.)

Employee: “Hello, ma’am, we have a bag check policy here; I do need to check your bag.”

Guest: “Are you Disney certified?”

Employee: “I’m sorry… What?”

Guest: “This is Florida. You need to be certified by Disney to check bags. Can I talk to your manager?”

Me: “I’m right here, ma’am. You don’t need to be certified by Disney to do anything. We need to check your bag.”

Guest: “Not until you prove you’re Disney certified. It’s required.”

Me: “Where are you from?”

Guest: “Jersey.”

Me: “Well, here in Florida, Disney doesn’t own everything yet. So, until then, we need to check your bag or it can’t come in.”

(Hidden in her bag: raisinets, snow caps, four bottles of water, one bottle of Sprite, a bag of hot fries, and peach gummies.)

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Sometimes You Just Have To Be Your Own Parade

, , , , | Right | October 18, 2019

(It’s the day of a well-known pirate-themed parade. Our store is near the parade route, so we often get people in various states of sobriety that stop in to stock up on food and drinks. A very tall man, dressed in full pirate gear, walks through the doors. It’s about 10:00 am.)

Customer: “What’s up, everybody?! It’s [Parade] Day!”

(My coworker bagging groceries chuckles.)

Coworker: “This should be fun.”

(The customer wanders through the store, occasionally stopping to exclaim over food items and yell, “Hello!” at other customers. He gets to my register. He’s buying chips, Gatorade, and a lot of liquor.)

Customer: “What’s up, [Grocery Store] peeps?! It’s a great day for a parade!”

Me: “That’s what I hear!”

(I ring through his stuff and he pays.)

Customer: “Right on, cashier lady!” *high-fives me* “Have an awesome day!” *grabs his stuff, fist bumps my coworker, and walks out*

(My coworker and I stare at each other and start laughing.)

Coworker: “Day drunk or just really excited?”

Me: “I’m going to guess… really excited. Although he was in full costume at 10:00 am, so… who knows?”

(When the local news aired parade highlights that night, there was my customer, riding a float and throwing beads!)

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My Girlfriend Is Not Always Right

, , , , , | Romantic | October 17, 2019

(My girlfriend and I go to the store to buy food for the week. She works retail and I work in food. As we arrive at the store, we talk about things customers say that are ALWAYS annoying. However, at the register, this happens:)

Cashier: “Huh… this won’t scan.”

Girlfriend: “Won’t scan, huh?”

Me: “No…”

Girlfriend: “Then–”

Me: “Stop!”

Girlfriend: “I guess–”

Me: “Don’t!”

Girlfriend: *with a cringe* “It’s free.”

Me: “Why?!”

Girlfriend: “I honestly don’t know.”

(The cashier was less than amused.)

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Should Have Paid Attention

, , , , , | Working | October 16, 2019

(I’m opening the office mail when I notice a particularly thick envelope from a law office.)

Me: “All right, taking bets. Death, bankruptcy, or suing?”

Coworker: “Death.”

Me: “I feel like we get more bankruptcies.”

Manager: “Definitely suing.”

(I open the letter and find a check along with several invoices.)

Me: “Huh. They’re just paying their bill.”

Manager: “No one would have guessed that!”

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Making Your Response Explicitly Clear

, , , , , , , , | Working | October 15, 2019

(I am out to my lunch with my brother, his boyfriend, and my boyfriend. All three men are 5’7” or taller and they all work out. I order a bunch of French fries for myself. The waiter brings them over and gives them all to my brother.)

Brother: “Here, [My Nickname].”

(As I’m reaching for the French fries, assuming it was a mix-up and the waiter will understand, he cuts me off and tries to hand me my brother’s burger.)

Waiter: “No! Sorry, but this is yours!”

(He pressures me into taking it, so I do, planning on switching them back. Then, I look down at the tray. On a napkin is written, “You’re hot enough to bang all night long, babe. ;)” along with a phone number.)

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

(I show him, and then my brother and his boyfriend. My brother takes the tray, giving me the fries.)

Me: “What are you planning?”

Brother: “Shhh!” *waiter arrives* “Hey, man.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir?”

Brother: “About this note…” *lifts it up*

Waiter: “Oh, s***. I’m so sorry, I meant it for her!”

Brother: “Oh, d***. I was hoping it was for me.”

Waiter: “Excuse me?”

Brother’s Boyfriend: *leans over brother’s shoulder, smirking* “Yeah, been a while since we had a threesome.”

Brother: “And you never let me suck your d**k! Maybe this guy will, since you’re so particular.”

Waiter: *pales and flees* 

(We all burst out laughing. The waiter comes back with a manager.)

Manager: “Sorry, ma’am, sirs. I’m going to ask you all to leave.”

Us: “Huh?”

Manager: “According to [Waiter] you were verbally harassing him, saying sexually explicit things, and being nosy.”

Me: “No, no! He gave me this note, and my brother was messing with him to try to teach him not to do this stuff.” *gives the note to him*

Manager: *pause* “I’m going to look into this. If you all are lying, I’ll have to ban you from all locations. And if you–” *turns to the waiter* “–are lying, there will be repercussions.”

(He leaves and we all go back to eating, kind of worried about the waiter situation. Eventually, the manager comes back, seething.)

Manager: “I’m so sorry. We have cameras, there, there, and there–” *pointing at nearby cameras* “–and they were able to show that [Waiter] did give you the note. Plus, we checked his handwriting, and it’s the same. I’m so sorry you were uncomfortable, and while I must say that I don’t condone your response, it was warranted. Would you like your meal for free?”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s okay. As long as he doesn’t get away with it.”

Manager: “He won’t.”

(We still wound up getting free dessert, somehow, but I’ll never forget my boyfriend’s facial expression when my brother started talking about sucking d**k.)

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